Archive for the ‘Stab’ Category

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers– IQ: 180 So­cial Skills: ‑57

Pro­fes­sor: Why do peo­ple take drugs? Be­cause their lives suck. That’s right…all of you.

–Man­hat­tan Col­lege

Chem­istry pro­fes­sor, dis­cussing quan­tum physics: If you beat on some­thing hard enough, you can get it to do what you want!

–St. John’s Uni­ver­si­ty, New York City

Prop­er­ty pro­fes­sor, af­ter play­ing Bar­bra Streisand’s ver­sion of “Not While I’m Around”: Now, is that the same song as Steven Sond­heim’s ver­sion in Sweeney Todd?? (dream­i­ly) Well, when Bar­bra Streisand does a song…is it ever the same song?

–St. John’s Law School

Over­heard by: Cori

Pro­fes­sor: If Oba­ma wins the elec­tion, I’ll buy you all beer.

–The Coop­er Union

Pro­fes­sor: So the way Saint Au­gus­tine broke the Lord’s com­mand­ment not to steal (no­body in class is lis­ten­ing) Was all just his way of hon­or­ing the Lord’s law, by cre­at­ing his own. It’s sort of like when you have a child that’s not al­lowed to stay up past nine but he knows his par­ents can stay up as late as they want, so in an act of re­bel­lion he smears his shit all over the walls.


Pro­fes­sor: Now, for your pre­sen­ta­tions, there is a time lim­it. If you go over nine min­utes, I will cut you. (silent pause) …off.

–City Col­lege of New York

My Son is an Hon­or Student…and a Van­dal!

Suit #1: …so he’s got one hand on the car’s aer­i­al, and with the oth­er hand he’s punch­ing a four inch by eight inch dent in the car, while run­ning along­side. At this point it be­comes de­struc­tion of prop­er­ty.
Suit #2: And that’s when the cam­pus po­lice got in­volved?

–52nd & 6th

Over­heard by: Mered­ith

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Suf­fer the Heartache of Gringo Hips

Four-year-old girl to nan­ny: No, princess­es don’t get tick­led. They just dance and get mar­ried.

–North Williams­burg

Over­heard by: an­ti-fem­i­nist

White girl in hood­ie: If I see any of the oth­er girls there want to dance with you they’d bet­ter watch out, ’cause it’s stab-a-slut Sun­day.

–J Train

Short guy with greasy hair: Yo, this girl was like, “wan­na dance?” and I was like “okay,” so she start­ed danc­ing mad good. She was grind­ing up against me with her ass.

–3rd Ave & 71st, Brook­lyn

Gay guy on cell in long line dur­ing Cir­cuit City close­out: Does it have speak­ers? Be­cause I like to dance in my room, and I like to feel the mu­sic. It’s re­al­ly cold, so I like to dance in my room, you know?

–Cir­cuit City, Union Square

Drunk girl to Gui­do she knocked heads with while danc­ing: I’m a drinker, not a dancer!

–Hook & Lad­der Pub, Mur­ray Hill

Over­heard by: al­so a drinker

Pro­fes­sor: I’m of the per­son­al opin­ion that any­thing counts for art. Take, for ex­am­ple, Nel­ly’s “Hot in Here.” We have an ad­mo­ni­tion of cer­tain weath­er con­di­tions and an en­treaty for cer­tain mem­bers of a de­mo­graph­ic to re­act with­in a cer­tain way, and a com­pli­ant voice replies, “I am get­ting so hot, I’m gonna take my clothes off.” This piece of art demon­strates how much eas­i­er life would be if get­ting a woman naked was that easy. And al­so, it makes me dance, and as we know, hips don’t lie.

–NYU Bob­st Li­brary

Over­heard by: queenof­s­cots

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Take Ad­van­tage Of Medicare While They Still Can

Blonde on cell: So it was ei­ther an am­bu­lance or a taque­ria.

–Times Square

Girl on cell: What? What!? Go to the hos­pi­tal. Go to the hos­pi­tal! Please. Why? Be­cause when you get stabbed you go to the hos­pi­tal, you don’t go and lay down.

–Jer­sey Tran­sit

Thug, in a rush: Look, I don’t give a fuck! I just want Med­ic­aid!

–13th & 3rd

Dis­grun­tled male gy­ne­col­o­gist: We’re the bas­tard stepchil­dren of the surgery world. Gen­er­al sur­geons bare­ly think we’re hu­man. “Oh, don’t get up, it’s just a gy­ne­col­o­gist.” I could have been a gen­er­al sur­geon, a plas­tic sur­geon, a den­tist, a lawyer… I’d be mak­ing more mon­ey, too. My broth­er’s cat need­ed a cae­sar­i­an sec­tion and the vet got paid more than I get paid to do a cae­sar­i­an sec­tion!

–Gy­ne­col­o­gy Of­fice, 32nd & Madi­son

Over­heard by: Rose Fox

Girl on cell: I told you I was sick and need­ed to go to the doc­tor’s! I can’t even swal­low! I tried food, wa­ter and liq­uids!

–Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: Ross

Chick in scrubs (light­ing cig­a­rette) to friend in scrubs: My heart rate won’t go down!

–113th & Am­s­ter­dam

Over­heard by: McF­reaky

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Re­mem­ber When It Just Meant “Hap­py?”

Drunk queer: I am not gay! Just re­mind me of that lat­er.


Over­heard by: un­in­vit­ed par­ty guest

Lem­ming: Are we still fol­low­ing the Gay­lords or are we be­com­ing In­de­pen­dent?

–Cen­tral Park

Over­heard by: Col­le­giate Cutie

Mid­west­ern­er: I had a dream that I had a lot of fun­ny fag­got friends. It was so much fun! Then I woke up.


Met­ro­sex­u­al: So, I’m think­ing of be­com­ing gay. What about you? Are you still gay?

–35th & Broad­way

Chick on cell: I mean, when it’s just the two of us, he’s re­al­ly gay — and I’m talk­ing gay­er than you — and frankly, that’s gay… And I don’t un­der­stand why he can’t just be that gay on stage… So hey, did you hear about that plane crash? Yeah… yeah… yeah, New York­ers are re­al­ly sen­si­tive to planes crash­ing in­to build­ings — some­thing must have hap­pened a while ago or some­thing… Yeah, so I think I’m go­ing to have sex with that guy from Craigslist… Al­though, he is ten years old­er than me, so if he’s look­ing for com­mit­ment he can have sex with me while he’s look­ing… It is not trashy — you can’t do any­thing trashy in your ear­ly 20s. I still have four more years un­til I have to even start think­ing about be­ing too trashy… Hey, can I call you back? I have to call my mom.

–10 ex­press bus

French woman: So this Gay­dar… It is like a radar? For the gays?

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: La­dle

Lati­na on cell: I’ll fuck­ing kill him. I will. I’ll fuck­ing kill him. I don’t know. No. He’s not. I just hate it that he thinks he can treat you like that. I mean, I’ll fuck­ing kill him even though he’s a man, you know? I’ll fuck­ing walk up to him and, like, stab him or some­thing. Fuck yeah, I got a knife. I mean, maybe he’s gay, though. That must be it. He’s gay. No, no, no. He’s gay.. He has to be. No, I know he is. It’s a fact. That’s the on­ly thing that makes sense, right? I mean, what oth­er op­tion is there?

–Gra­ham Ave, Williams­burg

Over­heard by: Fol­low­ing Qui­et­ly Be­hind