Archive for the ‘Stab’ Category

That’ll Teach Vi­to to Blab to the Feds

Drunk white dude: We saw this fuckin’ rat in our pantry, so I whis­per over to my room­mate, ‘Dude, dude! There’s a fuck­ing rat in the pantry!’ So I, like, grab a but­ter knife and shit, and like, I stabbed it! I fuckin’ stabbed that fuckin’ rat!
Black chick: Wow! Did you kill it?
Drunk white dude: Nah, it like, bled a lot and shit, so we threw it in the dump­ster. I tried to, like, smash its skull, but I could­n’t do it.
Drunk white girl, not part of their con­ver­sa­tion: Shut the fuck up!

–8th St sta­tion

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers– IQ: 180 So­cial Skills: ‑57

Pro­fes­sor: Why do peo­ple take drugs? Be­cause their lives suck. That’s right…all of you.

–Man­hat­tan Col­lege

Chem­istry pro­fes­sor, dis­cussing quan­tum physics: If you beat on some­thing hard enough, you can get it to do what you want!

–St. John’s Uni­ver­si­ty, New York City

Prop­er­ty pro­fes­sor, af­ter play­ing Bar­bra Streisand’s ver­sion of “Not While I’m Around”: Now, is that the same song as Steven Sond­heim’s ver­sion in Sweeney Todd?? (dream­i­ly) Well, when Bar­bra Streisand does a song…is it ever the same song?

–St. John’s Law School

Over­heard by: Cori

Pro­fes­sor: If Oba­ma wins the elec­tion, I’ll buy you all beer.

–The Coop­er Union

Pro­fes­sor: So the way Saint Au­gus­tine broke the Lord’s com­mand­ment not to steal (no­body in class is lis­ten­ing) Was all just his way of hon­or­ing the Lord’s law, by cre­at­ing his own. It’s sort of like when you have a child that’s not al­lowed to stay up past nine but he knows his par­ents can stay up as late as they want, so in an act of re­bel­lion he smears his shit all over the walls.


Pro­fes­sor: Now, for your pre­sen­ta­tions, there is a time lim­it. If you go over nine min­utes, I will cut you. (silent pause) …off.

–City Col­lege of New York

My Son is an Hon­or Student…and a Van­dal!

Suit #1: …so he’s got one hand on the car’s aer­i­al, and with the oth­er hand he’s punch­ing a four inch by eight inch dent in the car, while run­ning along­side. At this point it be­comes de­struc­tion of prop­er­ty.
Suit #2: And that’s when the cam­pus po­lice got in­volved?

–52nd & 6th

Over­heard by: Mered­ith

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Suf­fer the Heartache of Gringo Hips

Four-year-old girl to nan­ny: No, princess­es don’t get tick­led. They just dance and get mar­ried.

–North Williams­burg

Over­heard by: an­ti-fem­i­nist

White girl in hood­ie: If I see any of the oth­er girls there want to dance with you they’d bet­ter watch out, ’cause it’s stab-a-slut Sun­day.

–J Train

Short guy with greasy hair: Yo, this girl was like, “wan­na dance?” and I was like “okay,” so she start­ed danc­ing mad good. She was grind­ing up against me with her ass.

–3rd Ave & 71st, Brook­lyn

Gay guy on cell in long line dur­ing Cir­cuit City close­out: Does it have speak­ers? Be­cause I like to dance in my room, and I like to feel the mu­sic. It’s re­al­ly cold, so I like to dance in my room, you know?

–Cir­cuit City, Union Square

Drunk girl to Gui­do she knocked heads with while danc­ing: I’m a drinker, not a dancer!

–Hook & Lad­der Pub, Mur­ray Hill

Over­heard by: al­so a drinker

Pro­fes­sor: I’m of the per­son­al opin­ion that any­thing counts for art. Take, for ex­am­ple, Nel­ly’s “Hot in Here.” We have an ad­mo­ni­tion of cer­tain weath­er con­di­tions and an en­treaty for cer­tain mem­bers of a de­mo­graph­ic to re­act with­in a cer­tain way, and a com­pli­ant voice replies, “I am get­ting so hot, I’m gonna take my clothes off.” This piece of art demon­strates how much eas­i­er life would be if get­ting a woman naked was that easy. And al­so, it makes me dance, and as we know, hips don’t lie.

–NYU Bob­st Li­brary

Over­heard by: queenof­s­cots

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Take Ad­van­tage Of Medicare While They Still Can

Blonde on cell: So it was ei­ther an am­bu­lance or a taque­ria.

–Times Square

Girl on cell: What? What!? Go to the hos­pi­tal. Go to the hos­pi­tal! Please. Why? Be­cause when you get stabbed you go to the hos­pi­tal, you don’t go and lay down.

–Jer­sey Tran­sit

Thug, in a rush: Look, I don’t give a fuck! I just want Med­ic­aid!

–13th & 3rd

Dis­grun­tled male gy­ne­col­o­gist: We’re the bas­tard stepchil­dren of the surgery world. Gen­er­al sur­geons bare­ly think we’re hu­man. “Oh, don’t get up, it’s just a gy­ne­col­o­gist.” I could have been a gen­er­al sur­geon, a plas­tic sur­geon, a den­tist, a lawyer… I’d be mak­ing more mon­ey, too. My broth­er’s cat need­ed a cae­sar­i­an sec­tion and the vet got paid more than I get paid to do a cae­sar­i­an sec­tion!

–Gy­ne­col­o­gy Of­fice, 32nd & Madi­son

Over­heard by: Rose Fox

Girl on cell: I told you I was sick and need­ed to go to the doc­tor’s! I can’t even swal­low! I tried food, wa­ter and liq­uids!

–Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: Ross

Chick in scrubs (light­ing cig­a­rette) to friend in scrubs: My heart rate won’t go down!

–113th & Am­s­ter­dam

Over­heard by: McF­reaky