Overheard In New York

Archive for the ‘Starbucks’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Burp the Worm

Teen girl: If you want to lose weight, watch a lot of porn. I’m serious, if you watch porn, you won’t have to eat for hours. Oh, and masturbating burns a lot of calories, too.

–Brooklyn

Very upset drunk hobo, after conductor announces last stop: Your kickin’ all these people out to wait for the next train, just so you can jerk off?

–Bowling Green Station

Street dancer: Everyone on earth was born as a result of an orgasm. Everyone masturbates. And if they say they don’t, they’re lying. Even the Pope masturbates!

–Union Square

Irish dude, throwing tea to the ground: It’s not right, man! Asshole masturbated in my tea!

–Outside Starbucks

Teen thug: I wanna pleasure myself while writing an essay, what’s the problem with that?

–Q Train

Overheard by: Robert G.

Anxiety I Like to Relieve by Peeing in Coffee Cups

Barista girl: Ohmigod, I love your shoes! I want them.
Register girl: Thanks.
Barista girl: I love them! Awww.
Register girl, embarrassed: Thanks, haha.
Barista girl: I love them, but I can never get them… Because I can’t wear black with brown.
Register girl, borderline offended: Why not?
Barista girl: It gives me anxiety, that’s why.

–Starbucks

Like We Do at Church

Old woman: You had an audition today?
Young woman: Yeah, for the Jerry Springer show. I sang ‘Mama Smacked Me on the Asshole.’

–Starbucks, 43rd & 8th

Make Womb for Wednesday One-Liners

Suit on phone: I don’t think she knows. (pause) But it’s just a night job! (pause) No, there’s no way I’m pregnant. (pause) Why not?! Because I’m a man, goddammit!

–Starbucks

Woman on cell: So remember that time I thought I had that miscarriage?

–Grand Concourse & Fordham Road

Overheard by: Erica S

Slightly overweight girl: Thank you for the offer, sweetie, but I’m not pregnant. I’m just fat!

–M100 Bus

Overheard by: Tinathetiny

Tall girl on cell: No way! I thought *you* were going to impregnate *me*. I wanna have *your* children.

–Prince & Broadway

Overheard by: Ken Paprocki

Let’s Not Bicker and Argue over Who Tapped Who

Hipster chick #1: Augh! His ass is hairy!
Hipster chick #2: Hahaha, and disgusting! I would never, ever tap that.
Hipster chick #1: You can’t tap that — guys can only tap girls’ asses… Right?
Hipster chick #2: Sure. Probably. Yes. But when you hang out with a gay guy all day long, things like that get a bit hazy.

–Starbucks

Now We Know What You Want

Male college student: Hmmm… I think maybe I’ll order something.
Horny female companion: You should, since we both know you haven’t eaten anything today.
Male college student: Oh, no — I had lunch earlier…
Horny female companion: That was a sexual innuendo, stupid.

–Starbucks, 115th & Broadway

Yeah, You Like That, Don’t You, Monkey?

Barista: So, Sutton Foster was in here the other day.
Friend: Yeah? I don’t really like her…
Barista: What are you, nuts?! She’s great! Oh! A few days ago, like, the whole cast of Spring Awakening came in.
Friend: Oh. Yeah, I didn’t like that show.
Barista, yelling: Honestly, what are you even doing here?! Do you want to be on Broadway? Is this the life you want? Christ, you would think I was talking to a monkey from Indiana.
Friend: Um, sorry?
Barista: Whatever. Forget it. You’re a waste of talent… Want some free sticky bread?

–Starbucks, 47th & 8th