Overheard In New York

Archive for the ‘Starbucks’ Category

Make Womb for Wednesday One-Liners

Suit on phone: I don’t think she knows. (pause) But it’s just a night job! (pause) No, there’s no way I’m pregnant. (pause) Why not?! Because I’m a man, goddammit!

–Starbucks

Woman on cell: So remember that time I thought I had that miscarriage?

–Grand Concourse & Fordham Road

Overheard by: Erica S

Slightly overweight girl: Thank you for the offer, sweetie, but I’m not pregnant. I’m just fat!

–M100 Bus

Overheard by: Tinathetiny

Tall girl on cell: No way! I thought *you* were going to impregnate *me*. I wanna have *your* children.

–Prince & Broadway

Overheard by: Ken Paprocki

Let’s Not Bicker and Argue over Who Tapped Who

Hipster chick #1: Augh! His ass is hairy!
Hipster chick #2: Hahaha, and disgusting! I would never, ever tap that.
Hipster chick #1: You can’t tap that — guys can only tap girls’ asses… Right?
Hipster chick #2: Sure. Probably. Yes. But when you hang out with a gay guy all day long, things like that get a bit hazy.

–Starbucks

Now We Know What You Want

Male college student: Hmmm… I think maybe I’ll order something.
Horny female companion: You should, since we both know you haven’t eaten anything today.
Male college student: Oh, no — I had lunch earlier…
Horny female companion: That was a sexual innuendo, stupid.

–Starbucks, 115th & Broadway

Yeah, You Like That, Don’t You, Monkey?

Barista: So, Sutton Foster was in here the other day.
Friend: Yeah? I don’t really like her…
Barista: What are you, nuts?! She’s great! Oh! A few days ago, like, the whole cast of Spring Awakening came in.
Friend: Oh. Yeah, I didn’t like that show.
Barista, yelling: Honestly, what are you even doing here?! Do you want to be on Broadway? Is this the life you want? Christ, you would think I was talking to a monkey from Indiana.
Friend: Um, sorry?
Barista: Whatever. Forget it. You’re a waste of talent… Want some free sticky bread?

–Starbucks, 47th & 8th

Lions, and Tigers, and Wednesday One-Liners — Oh My!

20-something woman on cell: Did I tell you mom got into a fight with a raccoon again? (pause) Yeah, I know, our mom is totally going to die of rabies.

–Starbucks, West Village

Overheard by: Vaccinated for rabies

Guy to another: Flap your wings baby, just flap your wings!

–Broadway

Woman, shouting at no one in particular: You know I’m unstoppable! I’m like an ox!

–1 Train

Overheard by: Rose Fox

NYU girl: My mother was like, “what would you do with a giant inflatable turkey?” and I was like, “what wouldn’t you do with a giant inflatable turkey?”

–3rd Ave & 14th St

Overheard by: Mickey

Are Wednesday One-Liners Funny Ha-Ha, or Funny-Peculiar?

Guy eating pancakes: Everything’s funny in retrospect, like the time I got that screwdriver stuck in my eye.

–IHOP, Brooklyn

Ancient Greek civilization professor: A sexual act, in some sense, for an observer is funny.

–Hunter College

Crazy lady: All the prostitutes need to be rounded up and stuck in churches! (teen girl laughs) You think that’s funny? It’s not gonna be funny when you are in a hospital addicted to crack!

–Water St & Broad St

Girl to her friend: Wouldn’t it be funny if human beings could only walk forward and backwards?

–8th St & 2nd Ave

Lady sitting with girlfriends: It’s funny because I’m pregnant, and he doesn’t know.

–Starbucks

Drunken Jets fan to friends in Jets jerseys: That’s not funny. You want to see something funny? (grabs wooden signpost, slams forehead into it) That’s funny!

–W 4th & Barrow

Overheard by: jira monkey