Hipster chick #1: Augh! His ass is hairy!
Hipster chick #2: Hahaha, and disgusting! I would never, ever tap that.
Hipster chick #1: You can’t tap that — guys can only tap girls’ asses… Right?
Hipster chick #2: Sure. Probably. Yes. But when you hang out with a gay guy all day long, things like that get a bit hazy.
–Starbucks
Male college student: Hmmm… I think maybe I’ll order something.
Horny female companion: You should, since we both know you haven’t eaten anything today.
Male college student: Oh, no — I had lunch earlier…
Horny female companion: That was a sexual innuendo, stupid.
–Starbucks, 115th & Broadway
Suit, after taking cashier’s photo on his cellphone: See how photogenic you are?
Cashier: Why did he just take a picture of me?
Next customer: That was creepy.
Barista: That was creepy.
–Starbucks, E 51st St
Overheard by: Chuckell
Suit: And then guess what I told her?
Creep: Plastic poison!
Suit: Exactly!
Creep: He-he-he.
–Starbucks
Barista: So, Sutton Foster was in here the other day.
Friend: Yeah? I don’t really like her…
Barista: What are you, nuts?! She’s great! Oh! A few days ago, like, the whole cast of Spring Awakening came in.
Friend: Oh. Yeah, I didn’t like that show.
Barista, yelling: Honestly, what are you even doing here?! Do you want to be on Broadway? Is this the life you want? Christ, you would think I was talking to a monkey from Indiana.
Friend: Um, sorry?
Barista: Whatever. Forget it. You’re a waste of talent… Want some free sticky bread?
–Starbucks, 47th & 8th
20-something woman on cell: Did I tell you mom got into a fight with a raccoon again? (pause) Yeah, I know, our mom is totally going to die of rabies.
–Starbucks, West Village
Overheard by: Vaccinated for rabies
Guy to another: Flap your wings baby, just flap your wings!
–Broadway
Woman, shouting at no one in particular: You know I’m unstoppable! I’m like an ox!
–1 Train
Overheard by: Rose Fox
NYU girl: My mother was like, “what would you do with a giant inflatable turkey?” and I was like, “what wouldn’t you do with a giant inflatable turkey?”
–3rd Ave & 14th St
Overheard by: Mickey
Loud teenage guidette: He doesn’t date!
Ugly teenage guidette: Yeah, he’s gay or something. I heard—yeah.
Loud teenage guidette: No, no, he’s protestant—like religious. They worship this Chinese guy…
Ugly teenage guidette: Oh, I heard about that! They don’t date?
Loud teenage guidette: They don’t date white people.
–Starbucks
Brunette sister: Ally did turn into a slut in college!
Blonde sister: She’s our sister!
Brunette sister: She’s getting more than we did in college! Although I got more than you.
Blonde sister: Yeah, probably. I’m paying for the lattes.
–Starbucks, Bryant Park
Guy eating pancakes: Everything’s funny in retrospect, like the time I got that screwdriver stuck in my eye.
–IHOP, Brooklyn
Ancient Greek civilization professor: A sexual act, in some sense, for an observer is funny.
–Hunter College
Crazy lady: All the prostitutes need to be rounded up and stuck in churches! (teen girl laughs) You think that’s funny? It’s not gonna be funny when you are in a hospital addicted to crack!
–Water St & Broad St
Girl to her friend: Wouldn’t it be funny if human beings could only walk forward and backwards?
–8th St & 2nd Ave
Lady sitting with girlfriends: It’s funny because I’m pregnant, and he doesn’t know.
–Starbucks
Drunken Jets fan to friends in Jets jerseys: That’s not funny. You want to see something funny? (grabs wooden signpost, slams forehead into it) That’s funny!
–W 4th & Barrow
Overheard by: jira monkey
Customer: Hey, you lost a lot of weight.
Barista: No, I gave birth two weeks ago.
Customer: To a baby?
–Starbucks
Overheard by: mjw51
Hat Tip 🎩 to The Marketing Scientist
