Loud teenage guidette: He doesn’t date!
Ugly teenage guidette: Yeah, he’s gay or something. I heard—yeah.
Loud teenage guidette: No, no, he’s protestant—like religious. They worship this Chinese guy…
Ugly teenage guidette: Oh, I heard about that! They don’t date?
Loud teenage guidette: They don’t date white people.
–Starbucks
Brunette sister: Ally did turn into a slut in college!
Blonde sister: She’s our sister!
Brunette sister: She’s getting more than we did in college! Although I got more than you.
Blonde sister: Yeah, probably. I’m paying for the lattes.
–Starbucks, Bryant Park
Guy eating pancakes: Everything’s funny in retrospect, like the time I got that screwdriver stuck in my eye.
–IHOP, Brooklyn
Ancient Greek civilization professor: A sexual act, in some sense, for an observer is funny.
–Hunter College
Crazy lady: All the prostitutes need to be rounded up and stuck in churches! (teen girl laughs) You think that’s funny? It’s not gonna be funny when you are in a hospital addicted to crack!
–Water St & Broad St
Girl to her friend: Wouldn’t it be funny if human beings could only walk forward and backwards?
–8th St & 2nd Ave
Lady sitting with girlfriends: It’s funny because I’m pregnant, and he doesn’t know.
–Starbucks
Drunken Jets fan to friends in Jets jerseys: That’s not funny. You want to see something funny? (grabs wooden signpost, slams forehead into it) That’s funny!
–W 4th & Barrow
Overheard by: jira monkey
Customer: Hey, you lost a lot of weight.
Barista: No, I gave birth two weeks ago.
Customer: To a baby?
–Starbucks
Overheard by: mjw51
Woman: Um, excuse me but there’s no sugar at either station.
Barista girl: There’s no sugar. We ran out.
Woman: None?
Barista girl: No, they ain’t got any on 42nd either.
–Starbucks, 43rd & 8th
20-something: Can I get an eggnog steamer cut with skim? Is that possible?
Barista: Ma’am, anything’s possible. Next!
–Starbucks, Times Square
Suit on phone: I don’t think she knows. (pause) But it’s just a night job! (pause) No, there’s no way I’m pregnant. (pause) Why not?! Because I’m a man, goddammit!
–Starbucks
Woman on cell: So remember that time I thought I had that miscarriage?
–Grand Concourse & Fordham Road
Overheard by: Erica S
Slightly overweight girl: Thank you for the offer, sweetie, but I’m not pregnant. I’m just fat!
–M100 Bus
Overheard by: Tinathetiny
Tall girl on cell: No way! I thought *you* were going to impregnate *me*. I wanna have *your* children.
–Prince & Broadway
Overheard by: Ken Paprocki
Chick on cell: That sounds good. Oh yeah…you promise? Well I guess we could manage that around 8 o’ clock at Starbucks.
Hobo: Girl, you’re dirty. At a coffee shop?
–Central Park
Overheard by: Ester Ellis
Guy #1: Oh man, they have the old GI Joe figures for sale on this site.
Guy #2: Oh shit, really? That’s awesome.
Guy #3: Yo, what site are you guys looking at?
Guy #4: www.neverbeenlaid.org.
–Starbucks, 7th between 49th & 50th
Overheard by: Jon
Tween girl #1: He had a boner. It was so gross.
Tween girl #2: How do you know he had a boner?
Tween girl #1: I’ve known him since first grade. He had a boner.
Tween guy: How does knowing him since first grade have anything to do with knowing that he had a boner?
–Starbucks
Overheard by: Bryan
Hat Tip 🎩 to The Marketing Scientist
