Archive for the ‘STDs’ Category

You’ve Been Wait­ing for an Ex­cuse to Use That One, Haven’t You?

NYU girl: I’m not sur­prised that she has mono. I mean, she’s been a slut for a while now. It was bound to catch up with her.
Friend: Yeah, she’s a re­verse juke­box.
NYU girl: A what?
Friend: You know how you put mon­ey in­to a juke­box and it makes noise? Guys put their dicks in her to make her shut the fuck up.

–NYU Sil­ver Cen­ter

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers for the Thir­teen-Year-Old in Every­one

Girl to friend: When­ev­er I get a re­al­ly big booger, I feed it to the dog.

–Apart­ment Build­ing, Mid­town

Girl: And the doc­tor asked if she’d gone down on any­one late­ly, and she said “yeah, and when I was do­ing it, all these lit­tle bumps kept falling off in my mouth,” and the doc­tor said “you have gen­i­tal warts in your throat.”

–L Train

Over­heard by: atrain

Man on cell: And he opened a can of worms, ate the whole thing and then spit it all in­to his friend’s mouth. We were dry heav­ing. But every­one just looked at us weird.

–1st & 15th

Over­heard by: An­gela

Pre­teen boy on cell: (belch­es) Huh? (belch­es again, loud­ly) What did you say? I can’t hear you, I’m burp­ing.

–77th & 2nd

Girl to friend: My dad would say, “don’t send her choco­late, it makes mu­cus.”

–W 24th St & 10th Ave

Over­heard by: Fred Daubert

He’ll Be The “Pro-Life” of the Par­ty!

Con­cerned male friend: Well, aren’t you afraid of get­tin’ like, an STD or some­thing? Don’t you use con­doms?
Con­fused teen girl: Well, we did the first few times, but then we did­n’t. I mean, he’s been com­ing in­side me for like a year now and noth­in’ ever hap­pened. (points to bel­ly, im­ply­ing she’s preg­nant)
Con­cerned male friend: And how old is he again? How old are you?
Con­fused teen girl: He’s 18. I’m 16–almost 17.
Con­cerned male friend: Damn, I don’t know. This is fucked up. What you gonna do when you wan­na go out? Like with your friends and shit.
Con­fused teen girl: I’ll take my ba­by with me!

–E Train

Head­line by: Er­i­ca Neu­mann

Run­ners-Up:
· “$5 Says You Guys Don’t Get a Sin­gle Non-Palin Head­line on This One” — two­fer­rets
· “Ju No What I’m Talk­ing About?” — Bar­ry P.
· “My Breast-milk Is Gonna Be, Like, Fifty Per­cent Jägermeister…” — Who Does­n’t Love A Drunk­en In­fant?
· “That Thing Is Gonna Need One Hell Of a Fake I.D.” — MJP
· “There’s a Bris­tol Palin Joke Here Some­where…” — S‑Train
· “You Know, Like One Of Those El­mo Back­packs?” — All by my­self.

Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test

Full Frontal Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Dude to an­oth­er: Yeah, but she got a yeast in­fec­tion from sit­ting around naked on muffins all day.

–Union Square

Over­heard by: chris

Art­sy guy on cell: No, no, she’s not naked… But you want to see her naked!

–12th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: EthanK

Flight at­ten­dant: Your pi­lot for the flight to­day is Buck Naked. Your first of­fi­cer is Justin Case. That’s just in case Buck Naked de­cides to get buck wild.

–La­Guardia

Dude: I heard that all they do there is have sex and drink beer… And have naked snow­ball fights.

–41st & 7th

Itch­ing, Burn­ing, Flak­ing Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Girl to friend: I told him you had fuck­ing mad STDs be­cause he said he want­ed to fuck you. (pause) You’re wel­come!

–Wash­ing­ton Square Park

Suit ex­it­ing cab: Yo, make sure you don’t give him your num­ber. He’s got crabs.

–30th Ave & 30th St, As­to­ria

Over­heard by: OhKel­lyO

Blonde 20-some­thing on phone: Ei­ther the uni­verse just proved there is no god, or he is a moth­er­fuck­ing cunt! (paus­es, then in low tone) Be­cause… I think I have her­pes.

–Bat­tery Park

Over­heard by: close enough to hear the her­pes part

Thug to thugette: I did­n’t have warts on my body till I met you.

–Metro North

Over­heard by: ba­con­ista

Guy on cell, lean­ing ca­su­al­ly against fire hy­drant: Hey, so, I just got my test re­sults back, and… uh… so I got her­pes. So… maybe you should get your­self test­ed. (pause) No, no, no. No. No! Dammit, Jes­si­ca, lis­ten, I… fuck. Sor­ry, Jen­nifer. No, I–no, I’m sor­ry, I’ve just been mak­ing this call a lot to­day. (pause) Hel­lo?

–Car­roll Gar­dens, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Kytt

Dirty, Sexy Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Young gay guy in Daisy Dukes, shades and tank top, yam­mer­ing away on cell: Is it to­tal­ly ac­cept­able to have sex on the beach there?

–43rd St & 8th Ave

Over­heard by: An­na Rose

Teen boy to friend: If I were a gi­ant I’d fuck the Stat­ue of Lib­er­ty!

–Hous­ton & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Hen­ry

Chick to friend: As soon as I get over this yeast in­fec­tion, I’m gonna bang the shit out of him.

–Mc­Don­ald’s, Times Square

Over­heard by: Keep It Movin’

Black guy on cell: Pen­e­tra­tion?! Pen­e­tra­tion?! It ain’t about pen­e­tra­tion, it’s all about sen­sa­tion.

–E 4th St

Over­heard by: girl named sug­ar

Drunk man to drunk woman, while mak­ing out against a car: Let’s just go with it…let’s just fuck on top of the car.

–Bleeck­er & Mac­dou­gal

Girl to the guy at the next ta­ble: Haven’t I slept with you be­fore?

–Stabrucks, 78th & Lex­ing­ton

Over­heard by: Ash­lee