Archive for the ‘STDs’ Category

Itch­ing, Burn­ing, Flak­ing Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Girl to friend: I told him you had fuck­ing mad STDs be­cause he said he want­ed to fuck you. (pause) You’re wel­come!

–Wash­ing­ton Square Park

Suit ex­it­ing cab: Yo, make sure you don’t give him your num­ber. He’s got crabs.

–30th Ave & 30th St, As­to­ria

Over­heard by: OhKel­lyO

Blonde 20-some­thing on phone: Ei­ther the uni­verse just proved there is no god, or he is a moth­er­fuck­ing cunt! (paus­es, then in low tone) Be­cause… I think I have her­pes.

–Bat­tery Park

Over­heard by: close enough to hear the her­pes part

Thug to thugette: I did­n’t have warts on my body till I met you.

–Metro North

Over­heard by: ba­con­ista

Guy on cell, lean­ing ca­su­al­ly against fire hy­drant: Hey, so, I just got my test re­sults back, and… uh… so I got her­pes. So… maybe you should get your­self test­ed. (pause) No, no, no. No. No! Dammit, Jes­si­ca, lis­ten, I… fuck. Sor­ry, Jen­nifer. No, I–no, I’m sor­ry, I’ve just been mak­ing this call a lot to­day. (pause) Hel­lo?

–Car­roll Gar­dens, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Kytt

Dirty, Sexy Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Young gay guy in Daisy Dukes, shades and tank top, yam­mer­ing away on cell: Is it to­tal­ly ac­cept­able to have sex on the beach there?

–43rd St & 8th Ave

Over­heard by: An­na Rose

Teen boy to friend: If I were a gi­ant I’d fuck the Stat­ue of Lib­er­ty!

–Hous­ton & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Hen­ry

Chick to friend: As soon as I get over this yeast in­fec­tion, I’m gonna bang the shit out of him.

–Mc­Don­ald’s, Times Square

Over­heard by: Keep It Movin’

Black guy on cell: Pen­e­tra­tion?! Pen­e­tra­tion?! It ain’t about pen­e­tra­tion, it’s all about sen­sa­tion.

–E 4th St

Over­heard by: girl named sug­ar

Drunk man to drunk woman, while mak­ing out against a car: Let’s just go with it…let’s just fuck on top of the car.

–Bleeck­er & Mac­dou­gal

Girl to the guy at the next ta­ble: Haven’t I slept with you be­fore?

–Stabrucks, 78th & Lex­ing­ton

Over­heard by: Ash­lee

Our New Pub­lic Ser­vice An­nounce­ment

Guy with lisp to friend: When I have out­breaks, they nev­er have it, so I asked the guy at the gas sta­tion and he just bought a pack for me.
(friend mum­bles some­thing)
Guy with lisp: I have to walk miles to the gas sta­tion to get my her­pes med­ica­tion. My mom does­n’t even know I have her­pes, or that I used to have syphilis! Imag­ine hav­ing poi­son ivy on your knee, and it bursts, and there’s pus. That’s what it’s like. Do you have her­pes?
Friend, stu­pid­ly: Ha-huh. I don’t know.
Guy with lisp: Did you fuck that chick Rachel?
Friend: Ha-huh. Yeah.
Guy with lisp: Did you ride her rough?
Friend: Ha-huh. Yeah.
Guy with lisp, shame­less­ly: You prob­a­bly have her­pes. I gave it to her about a month ago. We should talk more about who I’ve fucked and who I’ve giv­en her­pes to.

–Metro-North Rail

Over­heard by: Fres­ca P.

And That’s One to Grow On

Guy on cell: Se­ri­ous­ly [Bryan] the shit won’t go away! The fuck­ing rash is still there.…yes, I put that cream on my dick but shit, it’s still there!…Oh, I have to put the cream on more than once? You nev­er men­tioned that.
Woman: Sweet­ie, every­one knows you have to put cream on more than once, no mat­ter where you put it.

–Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: Ali

Along With the De­men­tia I Al­ready Have

Pro­pri­etor: I heard you had a fall.
Oc­to­ge­nar­i­an: Oh, yes. I had a fall. They even took me to the hos­pi­tal for six hours. They test­ed me for every­thing ex­cept syphilis.
Pro­pri­etor: That’s what they’re sup­posed to test you for first.
Oc­to­ge­nar­i­an: I wish I had syphilis. At least then I’d be hav­ing some fun.

–73rd & Colum­bus Ave

Over­heard by: G

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Fail the Pu­ri­ty Test

Girl: I’m done with three­somes. Some­one al­ways gets hurt. It’s four-gies on­ly from now on.

–Du­ane Reade, 32nd & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Jaina Wald

Man on cell: You got the what? The what? So you got the queen-sized bed!! You whore! You whore!

–Wall & Wa­ter

Over­heard by: Aubrie

Man: Hey, any­one want to go to an or­gy?

–Cen­tral Park

Loud teen boy: Dad, do we need con­doms?

–Phar­ma­cy, 82nd & Colum­bus

Girl on cell: Well it’s not even like any­one there had any re­al porn back­ground!

–Union Square

Over­heard by: Na­tal­ie

Guy on stoop: Dude! I did not give that girl VD.

–22nd & Broad­way

Loud fe­male suit: Well, at least he was­n’t sleep­ing with an in­tern!

–45th & Lex

Prep­py girl on cell: Hey, girly, I got my­self two tick­ets for us to go to the Do­mini­can Re­pub­lic for next week, and you know what that means: 7 days of Do­mini­can cock. Yum!

–34th St

Over­heard by: naid­aba­by

The CDC Has Is­sued a Trav­el Ad­vi­so­ry

Boyfriend, look­ing at girl­friend’s iPhone: Who is this guy Nick that you’re talk­ing to?
Ditzy girl­friend: Whatever…you don’t have to wor­ry about him. He’s from New Jer­sey, so I would nev­er touch him.
Boyfriend: What’s that have to do with any­thing?
Ditzy girl­friend: Hel­lo! Every­one knows that every­one in New Jer­sey has STDs!

–7 Train

Head­line by: kate

Run­ners-Up:
· “Experience=Wisdom” — Fres­ca
· “I On­ly Cheat on You With­in the Five Bor­oughs” — The Cleve­land Kid
· “It’s Why They Have 50 Dif­fer­ent Words for Painful Uri­na­tion” — Broth­er Elmer
· “Nick: I Told Her That’s Not What “Sub­ur­bia” Is…” — Porter
· “Why Lin­coln & Hol­land Toll Tak­ers Wear Gloves” — Leary Blaine

Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test

If Will and Grace Had Been a Ca­ble Show

Guy: So did you ever hear back from that guy who stood you up last week?
Girl: Yeah, ac­tu­al­ly he got stuck with his kids.
Guy: Kids? He’s mar­ried?
Girl: Di­vorced, ac­tu­al­ly.
Guy: Wow, what a looser…I bet he has her­pes.
Girl: Yeah, maybe. Maybe he re­al­ly stood me up be­cause he was fuck­ing you in the ass and got her­pes.

–Fi­gar­ro’s Restau­rant