Archive for the ‘Store’ Category

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers: “Is This Thing On?”

PA sys­tem: Leia, please meet your par­ty at the front. Leia, not the princess, please meet your par­ty at the front.

–Bed, Bath & Be­yond, 18th & 6th

Over­heard by: Re­bec­ca

An­nounc­er over loud­speak­er: The time is now one am o’­clock!

–Bag­gage Claim, JFK

Over­heard by: Kim­mie

Loud­speak­er an­nounce­ment: At­ten­tion, all late night shop­pers, this is a live an­nounce­ment. I re­peat, this is not a record­ing! Right now, in our deli de­part­ment, ful­ly-cooked chick­ens! Come on over and get your chick­ens! They’re hot! They’re fresh! And they were alive this morn­ing!

–Path­mark, Cropsey Ave, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Sta­cy

An­nounce­ment over loud­speak­er dur­ing class: Hel­lo, I’m sor­ry for the in­ter­rup­tion. Mr Poland Spring, you have to go out­side, they’re about to tow your truck.

–Stuyvesant High School

Loud­speak­er: Good af­ter­noon, East Side. Fag football…oops, I mean “flag foot­ball” will meet in the cafe­te­ria im­me­di­ate­ly fol­low­ing ad­vi­so­ry.

–East Side Com­mu­ni­ty High School

Jus­ti­fi­ably In­dig­nant?

White male cus­tomer: I want a small black cof­fee.
East In­di­an fe­male cashier: Do you want cream and sug­ar in that?
White male cus­tomer: No, I want it black.
East In­di­an fe­male cashier: Black?
White male cus­tomer, point­ing at pic­ture of black man in ad on the wall: Yes, black! I want it to look like that guy!

–Dunkin’ Donuts, 53rd & Lex

Over­heard by: next in line

It Makes It Look Big­ger

Girl­friend: So, my Christo­pher is a lit­tle fem­i­nine some­times…
Boyfriend: I spent two hours shav­ing this morn­ing!
Dude: Yeah, but shav­ing what, is the ques­tion.
Girl­friend: Not that.
Boyfriend: No, that was yes­ter­day.
Dude, dis­gust­ed: I was talk­ing about your legs, but thanks…

–Her­shey’s store, Times Square

Over­heard by: equal­ly dis­gust­ed

Just Don’t Try to Fill Them Up With Dirt

Bim­bette daugh­ter: So, you like, had to, like, grow corn and shit when you were lit­tle?
Old hip­pie fa­ther: Yeah, be­fore I moved to Ore­gon. We had cows.
Bim­bette daugh­ter: Ewww! You had to milk cows?
Old hip­pie fa­ther: Yeah, but cows don’t help with house­hold chores, though. On­ly croc­o­diles can do that.
Bim­bette daugh­ter: Word.

–Barnes & No­ble

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are Just “So­cia­ble”

Drunk gay man: I’ve slept with more men than my mom has!

–Ave A

Over­heard by: Let his own mom win that con­test

Woman to man: I don’t want to be known as the whore of New York­ers.

–9th Ave & 44th St

Woman on cell: It’s just sex. There’s no way you guys can ever be per­ma­nent­ly tied, or any­thing.

–Ma­cy’s

Prep­py, mid­dle-aged woman, about man on iPhone: Who is that whore?

–Book­store, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: ‑she prob­a­bly said

Is It Too Late to Apol­o­gize for Moon­ing You?

Black girl #1: Damn, girl! You’re hairy! I dun­no if it’s cause I’m light-skinned, you’re hairy!
Black girl #2: Thanks. Thanks… (walks away)
Black girl #1: You’re like a were­wolf!

–H&M Dress­ing Room, Queens Cen­ter Mall

Over­heard by: hop­ing shes not a were­wolf too…

To­day It’s a Lol­ly. To­mor­row It’s a BMW

(wait­ing in line)
Four-year-old kid: Mom­my, I re­al­ly want a lol­lipop!
Mom: Uhuh, move up here hon­ey.
Kid: Mom! Just give in, I want a lol­lipop, okay?
(moth­er ig­nores him)
Kid: Just give in, it’s okay, I want one. It’s okay to give in, mom.
(pause)
Kid: Mom, this is­n’t go­ing to work for me! I want a lol­lipop!
Ran­dom guy in line: Re­sist!

–As­so­ci­at­ed Su­per­mar­kets, Bleeck­er & La­Guardia

Over­heard by: Caitlin­is­NewHere

Thank God the Wednes­day One-Lin­ers’ Strike Is Over

Chick on cell: We can’t let Blair and Tootie con­trol our lives!

–LIRR

Over­heard by: Poo­gins

Home­less crazy black guy to three scared white girls in their twen­ties: Time is crazy. Oh man, what time is “Des­per­ate House­wives” on?!

–10th Street & 3rd Ave

Large lati­no: Yo, it was so good last night, I mean I can’t be­lieve you missed it. It was the best episode I’ve seen yet, se­ri­ous­ly bro… Well the main thing that hap­pened was Hei­di tried to apol­o­gize to LC and she was all like: “I wan­na for­get you!” I was like: “Whaaaaaat? For re­al?” It was crazy, you got­ta catch it!

–Times Square Of­fice Build­ing

Over­heard by: SU­SAN

Red­head: The “Brady Bunch” world is a world with­out urges.

–Ve­niero’s, 11th St be­tween 1st & 2nd

Over­heard by: Ur­su­la & Winifred

Mus­cu­lar guy: He comes up to me talk­ing all this shit, say­ing that he’ll bring it. Bring what? He’s not gangs­ta like I am, he ain’t thug like me. Skin­ny moth­er­fuc­ka looks like a damn burnt-out Screech.

–On the Bus

Ful­some girl with bad dye job: I’m like: “I watch ‘Law and Or­der: SVU’, I’m not get­ting in your van.”

–15th be­tween 6th and 7th

Over­heard by: Dis­union­square

Aries Spears, in line for an Ash­lee Simp­son au­to­graph: I’m the black guy from MADtv! [Grabs a ran­dom girl’s cam­era and snaps a pic­ture of them to­geth­er and walks away.]

–Vir­gin Mo­bile Mega Store, Times Square