Black chick: I figured it out — when I fart on someone, when I spit on someone, it’s lucky!
Latina: Wait, so if I spit on someone, it ain’t lucky?
Black chick: Nah, because it ain’t me doin’ it. It gotta be me.
–Dressing room, Forever 21
Overheard by: I don’t need to be lucky, really…
Tween: I just didn't think it would be so…gooey.
Tween friends, in unison: Ew!
–Barnes & Noble, Bayside
Overheard by: bookseller
Girl #1: Oh my gosh, this is so cool.
Girl #2: I know. [Smiles.]Girl #1: Thanks for bringing me here, I love you. I am so glad I became a lesbian, if I wasn’t I wouldn’t have met you!
Girl #2: Aww, thanks. Do you want to go to my apartment now?
Girl #1: Yes! Let’s go. Are we going to have fun like we did last night?
Girl #2: Even more, baby.
–M&M Store, Times Square
Eight-year old boy, barely audibly: Do you have any kid's shoes?
Middle aged clerk: Do I have sex? (pause) Well…
Eight-year old boy, slightly more audibly: Naw, do you have any kid's shoes?
Middle aged clerk: Kids? Yes. I've got one 24 and one 19. I know they're not really kids, but they still seem like it to me.
Eight-year-old boy: Naw, naw! (loudly) I said “do you have any kid's shoes?”
–Shoe Store, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Eremi
Mom, looking at bedding: Oooh, this one is nice.
Daughter: Mom, I’m getting married. I want to have sex. Lots of it. Hot, steamy, nasty, married-people sex. I just don’t think I can do that on pastels.
–JCPenney bridal registry
Guy: So, I saw this video online of a chick who tied her beef curtains in a knot…
–Astor Pl
Chick: Maybe I should scrap my dissertation and just write erotica?
–Columbia University
Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy
Chick: My favorite porn line, and possibly my favorite movie line ever, is, ‘Suck it, my queen. Suck it.’
–Grand Sichuan, St. Mark’s Pl
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Intern to another: They do too make gay pornography!
–42nd & Madison
Overheard by: Nicolas Agrait
Cube neighbor on phone with friend: So, the first thing she needs to do is throw it out — get rid of all the porn. I mean, she has closets and closets full of it!
–Midtown
20-something woman on cell: I may be too analytical for erotica.
–Outside Century 21
Overheard by: McFreaky
Girl looking at garbage and dirt spilled on the sidewalk: Gross. You think it’s supposed to be art?
–Broadway & Houston
Literature professor: So anything that anybody ever painted was a Guido?
–NYU Silver Center
Plausibly mad septuagenarian clerk: When I was 16 Stravinsky bought my first painting. It was written up in the paper. A couple of days later, I was kidnapped.
–Barnes & Noble, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Seth
Father to four-year-old son: Looking at art makes your legs tired.
–Metropolitan Museum Lobby
Philistine: I don’t like art in which you have to understand the motivation behind it.
–Outside the Guggenheim
Overheard by: Devoted Puppy
Professor-type man to group of teens looking at Greek sculptures: And if the sculpture’s back is up against the wall and you want to see it from behind, just get up against a wall and look at its ass as much as you can… yeah! It’s not dirty or wrong… Just look at its ass!
–Metropolitan Museum of Art
Small child, waiting in bathroom line: Mom, I really have to go.
Mom: Well, honey, you're just gonna have to cross your legs and hold your vagina.
–Barnes & Noble Bathroom, Union Square
Chick #1 looking at life-like dildo that actually cums: I wonder what it cums.
Chick #2: If it were me, I would put in vanilla milkshake.
Chick #1: Oh my god! How amazing would it be if guys came vanilla milkshakes?! I would be on my knees all day long!
Chick #2: Yeah, totally… What a cruel joke that most of them taste like steamrolled, year-old sushi.
–The Pink Pussycat
Overheard by: Sharon Sloan
Artist: Painting is wearing me out. I think I’m ready to retire.
Sales associate: Artists do not retire. As a matter of fact, they are the only ones that do not retire.
Artist: Yeah, they just jump off a bridge or out of a window.
–New York Central Art Supply Store, 3rd Ave, between 10th & 11th St