Younger kid: Damn, look at all the puddles of water in here.
Older kid: Look like hurricane Katrina hit this bitch.
(younger kid laughs)
Older kid: Niggas from New Orleans swimmin in the water and shit.
–Macy’s Bathroom
Overheard by: Anon
Archive for the ‘Store’ Category
If Your Father Hadn’t Slapped Me, You Wouldn’t Have Been Born
Old woman: Mom, look at this bag. Isn’t it cute?
Really old woman: Ewww! No!
She slaps her daughter’s wrist.
Really old woman: It’s ugly! That color! You have no taste!
Old woman: Jeez, Mom. I just thought it would be a nice bag for spring. You didn’t have to slap me.
Really old woman: Now I won’t have to look at it! Or you!
–Lord and Taylor
Love, the Sexually-Transmitted Disease Nobody Talks About
Guy: I can understand her sleeping with my best friend on my couch and all…
Girl: But the falling in love thing? That’s just rude!
–Union Square Barnes & Noble
Overheard by: suzz
Not in the Face, Wednesday One-Liners
Girl on cell: You keep talking over me – it makes me want to punch you in the uterus.
–Ray’s Pizza, 52 & 8th
Overheard by: Jarett
Guy to friend: You keep referring to me as “that guy” and we’ll see how long you stay conscious.
–33rd & 7th
Nervous man seated against the wall: I don’t like this seat. I don’t like sitting here. I like to sit on the aisle. What if there’s a fight? I don’t want to be trapped in a place with a fight.
–Off-Broadway Theatre
Overheard by: Hannah
Ghetto chick: Can’t you get somebody else to fuck him up? Why you gotta do it?
–W Train
Overheard by: sara n.
Man: He was trying to turn his alcoholism into a positive thing instead of attacking the guy who raped his sister.
–The Strand Bookstore
Overheard by: Slightly confused, yet intrigued…
Girl on cell: Remember that time you got into a fight with an inch worm?
–Chambers St
Overheard by: Shooty
Wednesday One-Liners Should Not Be Taken If You Are Pregnant or Nursing
Kid to friend: Is your dad in town? I need Ambien CR.
–Saatchi & Saatchi, Hudson St
Overheard by: dlr
Guy on cell: No, they never came. [Pause.] I just never got them! [Pause.] I told you you can’t just send random pills through the mail!
–Strawberry Fields, Central Park
Strung out middle-aged lesbian: How long does that detox stuff take to work? I need to be clean of the Xanax by my doctor’s appointment next week. He knows I’m on meth, but he can’t find out I’m on Xanax.
–E Train
Worried suit: …But I can’t be on Zoloft, so I don’t know what to do.
–E 14th St
Patient to friend: He asked for an Ensure. He got an Ambien instead.
–NYS Psychiatric Institute
Overheard by: nonrandomerror
Suit: Her meds worked better this audition season ‑you could tell.
–Oriental Garden
…And You Say I Always Forget Our Anniversary!
Annoyed wife: Why is there toast in my purse?
Clueless husband: It’s not toast, it’s a cracker.
–FAO Schwartz
Wednesday One-Liners Happen
Dude on cell: If he wrote a fucking haiku I would shit myself!
–50th b/w 8th & 9th
Hip dude: I was like: “Your voice is drowning me in a wave of bullshit.”
–W 4th
Customer to associate: Where can I pay for this shit?
–Apple Store, 5th Ave
Suit on cell: No, I have IBS. IBS! Ya know, Irritable Bowel Syndrome. I’ll shit when I gotta shit, and that’s the way this is gonna go!
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Quippy Pasqual
am New York paper guy: Get your free am New York! They’re free because their employees get paid shit!
–53rd & 7th Ave
Here Comes Return Season
Guy: This sweater is huge!
Girl: Get fat.
Salesguy: Ha, ha! Wow, I needed that.
–Bloomingdale’s, 59th & 3rd
Girls Licking Girls Seems More Like Strawberry
Chick #1: I’ve become so vanilla.
Chick #2: You’re not! You’re not vanilla!
Chick #1: I so am. Lick me and you’ll get diabetes.
–Bloomingdale’s
Overheard by: djlindee
Buns as Soft as Yours Deserve the Hardest Salami I Can Give You
Middle Aged Woman: I’d like to get some hard salami, but I’d like to see it first.
Serious Deli Man: You would like to see my hard salami? [goes to get it and brings it out to show her]Woman: Is it very hard salami? How hard is the salami?
Serious Deli Man: Ma’am, I don’t think it is hard enough for you.
–Fairway Market
Overheard by: Jen
