Archive for the ‘Straight Trippin'’ Category

Where Lawyers Come From

Spazzed cus­tomer: Yo, dude, I need some­thing to help me con­cen­trate. I have to take a re­al­ly big test and then I can for­get it all. I have to take the bar — have you heard of that? It’s for be­ing a lawyer.
Em­ploy­ee: Um, well, we have this herbal prod­uct to in­crease the blood flow to your brain.
Spazzed cus­tomer: Can I smoke pot with it?
Em­ploy­ee: Uh, sure.
Spazzed cus­tomer: Great. You take cred­it cards?
Em­ploy­ee: Yeah.
Spazzed cus­tomer: Great, thanks [leaves the store with­out buy­ing any­thing].

–GNC, As­to­ria

Get­ting Wednes­dayed Is Easy; Stay­ing One-Linered Is Hard

Man to woman: Well, I’ve al­ready been in two suc­cess­ful mar­riages…

–Hud­son Riv­er Park

Talk­a­tive hus­band to blase wife: We’ve been mar­ried for over a year, who would not like us?

–F Train

Over­heard by: Elise

Girl: So, when you say “mar­ried,” is that like “mar­ried-and-just-not-di­vorced-yet,” or like “mar­ried-mar­ried-and-ac­tu­al­ly-liv­ing-to­geth­er”?

–6 Train

Woman on cell: Well, it’s a good thing you did­n’t mar­ry Su­san’s broth­er, be­cause he end­ed up los­ing a tes­ti­cle.

–DUM­BO, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Megan

Woman on cell: Sor­ry, but if I want­ed to be heav­i­ly se­dat­ed and drunk all day, I’d mar­ry you.

–Colum­bus Cir­cle

Over­heard by: Josh

Guy with eye patch: If a girl eats out your ass on the first date, you mar­ry her!

–77th & 34th

Ac­tu­al­ly, I Think That’s a Guild By­law

Meth ad­dict #1: So… What kind of work you in?
Young woman, hold­ing up name tag which says ‘so­cial work­er’: So­cial Work.
Meth ad­dict #2: Where do you work?
Young woman: Planned par­ent­hood
Meth ad­dict #1: Shit. Can you find her kid? They got him in fos­ter care.
Young woman: No, sor­ry. I don’t work for child ser­vices. Con­tact your coun­ty of­fi­cials and ex­plain your sit­u­a­tion to them.
Meth ad­dict #2: Yeah I don’t know where he is at. Can you get him?
Young woman: I work at Planned Par­ent­hood. Sor­ry.
Meth ad­dict #2: Just ’cause you’re pret­ty you can’t treat peo­ple like shit.
Young woman: Just be­cause you do drugs does­n’t mean you should­n’t brush your teeth.

–Up­town 4 train

Tra­cy Chap­man On­ly Needs One

Girl #1, touch­ing bam­boo sculp­ture: Rose, how do you think they’re gonna get this down?
Girl #2: I dun­no, un­tie it?
Girl #1: But I mean… Are they gonna, like, move it to a ware­house or, like, in­cin­er­ate it? That’s su­per not eco­log­i­cal­ly sound.
Girl #2: Um…
Girl #1: Fuck! They should just put pan­das up here. Like a shit-ton of pan­das. One, pan­das eat bam­boo. B, it would get the job done fast and all that would be left is the rope. Three, the more pan­das eat, the stronger they get; the stronger they get, the more they bone, and then they’re less en­dan­gered. Four, it would be re­al­ly cute on the news, and… Five? Dude, pan­das!
Girl #2: Are you high?
Girl #1: I’ve just had a Riesen.

–Roof Gar­den, The Met