Archive for the ‘Stupidity’ Category

NewsFlash: New Jersey Builds Immigration Wall

Yuppie on cell cutting long line, to cashier: I’d like to buy some cookies.
Cashier: Um, the line starts back there, sir.
Yuppie, into cell: I hate the fucking East Side. Everyone thinks they’re hot shit. I can’t figure out this fucking line — all I want to do is buy some fucking cookies… New Jersey is my destiny.

–Bakery, 70th & Lex

Jim Gaffigan: The Horror!

Loud woman: You said you'd had Hot Pockets!
Quiet woman: No, I…
Loud woman, interrupting: Yes, you did! You told me you had had Hot Pockets!
Quiet woman: I haven't had Hot Pockets in weeks. Not since Evan*'s parents were in town.
Loud woman: You told me you did just days ago! You lie! Li-ar!
Quiet woman: No, I said the reason I had cake for breakfast is that I *ran out* of Hot Pockets!

–6th St & Ave A

Overheard by: Rose Fox

If Everybody You Meet Is a Wednesday One-Liner, Check the Mirror

Guy to friend: Yeah, Eric's an asshole, but he's like… my asshole.

–11th & Broadway

Overheard by: Z

Man on cell: I enjoy sucking the wind out of assholes.

–Brooklyn Public House

Overheard by: In fairness, the conversation was about verbal bullies

Girl: Wow, my asshole has just been all sorts of evil all day, I shat in four different bathrooms on this floor and the one up, so I wouldn't suffer alone. I shared its wrath. Is that wrong?

–Office, Midtown

Loud dude: My asshole is really fucking itchy!

–Bronx High School of Science

Overheard by: urbanadventurer

Crazy hobo: Attention everyone! You're all assholes! Stupid assholes!!

–Park Row, near Brooklyn Bridge

Overheard by: Hollister

Wednesday One-Liners Have Lost Their Group

Teenage boy tourist: Times Square is by far the coolest part of New York. It’s almost like heaven!

–Times Square

A tourist is craning his neck to photograph the Empire State Building.

New Yorker: What is he looking at?! … Oh.

–34th & 5th

Tourist: There isn’t anywhere within walking distance.

–53rd & Lex

Overheard by: Not a Clueless Tourist

Hobo, after stealing someone’s luggage: Tourists need to be more careful when they come to New York City.

–6th Ave & 23rd St

Overheard by: BOB Sled

Tourist dropping money in front of frozen female mime he’s been staring at for five minutes: That was truly incredible. Thank you so much.

–Outside MoMA

Tourist: I guess we should go to the Ground Zeroes.

–5th Ave & 13th St

Overheard by: Sally Tomato

Thug: Just push them out of the way. They’re tourists, they’ll love it.

–Times Square

Overheard by: duffduff

Wednesday One-liners

A chick pushing an old woman in a wheelchair says: Just let me know when you get tired of walking.

–59th & 3rd

Overheard by: Christopher

Queer: I can’t believe she said I was a liar. Sure I make random stuff up, but I’m not a liar.

–West 4th & broadway

Overheard by: MrRobinson

Hobo: All right fine, you win, I guess I do wish they were shitty pilots.

–6th Avenue & 9th Street