Girl #1: I have raisins living in my bag.
Girl #2: … We really are the same person.
–Bard High School Early College
Archive for the ‘Stupidity’ Category
Wednesday One-Liners Have a Big Endowment
Girl: We can’t become gay just to fit in at this school!
–NYU
Passer-by: I pay $40k a year for school, and that makes me better than you.
–NYU, Tisch
Overheard by: Dan Lurie
NYU girl at party: My parents are actually really into civil liberties.
–NYU Dorm
NYU chick to friend: I love coke! (passing white lady gives her a strange look) I meant the drink, not the drug, lady! Jeez, I’m a minority student at fucking NYU! You think I can afford a coke habit??
–8th & University
Overheard by: Melissa Perez
Gay NYU student, rolling around on the ground in student lounge: I am obsessed with the ground. I mean, who’s going to judge me? There’s like six million Asians here and none of them are gay.
–Tisch Hall, NYU
Mother, pushing crying two-year-old in stroller: They’re never going to accept you here if you keep screaming!
–NYU Admissions
Overheard by: Sam
Oh Maybe God!
Hipster chick #1: You know the girl I was telling you about, who didn’t even know what “agnostic” means?
Hipster chick #2: Yeah. That stupid bitch!
–30th Ave, Astoria
Overheard by: reverie
Headline by: Coyoty
Runners-Up:
· “Blessed Are the Stupid Bitches, for They Shall Infuriate the Self-Righteous” — Cyrious Garnetski
· “I Believe That We Can Never Know If She Is a Stupid Bitch or Not.” — Hysterical Woman
· “I Hope She Burns In… Nothingness” — Meg
· “To Be Precise, She Said There Was No Way to Know What Agnostic Means” — Barry P.
· “Why Nuns Have Few Friends” — seven5suited
This Picture Book Will Explain
Bimbette, pointing to menu: How do you pronounce this?
Waitress: It’s called the “Paul Bunyan”.
Bimbette: Is that French?
–High Life Cafe, Upper West Side
Overheard by: EthanK
The Monkey Can Take Care of Himself
Guy #1: Hey, where’s Gus?
Girl: I dunno, he was smoking a cigarette and I left. Where is Gus?
Guy #1: Uh oh.
Guy #2: You mean you just left him to die alone?
–L train
…Or Maybe Something Totally Out There, Like a Cat.
Teen girl #1: So what are you gonna be for Halloween?
Teen girl #2: I dunno, something creative.
Teen girl #1: Yeah, me too. I’m gonna be a cheerleader.
–Dunkin’ Donuts, Queens
The Man Who Boned Grandma (NYC Short Stories)
Tourist grandpa: I’m going to sit here. Do you want a snack?
Tourist grandson: Sure.
Tourist grandpa: Here’s some money. Go over there and buy yourself something. And if you can find somebody nice, ask where we can get some cheesecake.
–Greeley Square
Overheard by: Nick Turner
Hasidic boy: Poppola, I heard a rumor that when a cow gets a cut from the milking machine, and blood gets in the milk…they have to turn it into chocolate milk, so people won’t know it’s there.
Hasidic grandpa: We should be so lucky!
–4 train
Overheard by: Raden Mutter
The Train Whisperer
Conductor: Because of a water main break at 53rd Street, the last
stop on this train will be 42nd Street.
Guy: What the fuck?
Guy on loudspeaker: Ladies and gentlemen and conductor, the last
stop on this train will be 57th Street. You copy that, conductor? You copy that?
Conductor: Uh, the last stop on this train will be 57th Street. This
train will be going through 57th Street.
–N train
Did You Even Read the Informational Pamphlets I Put on Your Pillows?
Pampered Tribeca child #1: Daddy! Please!
Pampered Tribeca child #2: Daddy! Please can we have Mediterranean eggplant for dinner??
Nebbishy Tribeca dad: You know I can’t eat that! It’s a carb!
–7th Ave
Overheard by: Briguy
A Little Wednesday One-Liner in a Big Pond
Drunk girl: I just love a cock in my mouth! It is a fact of my life, like Blair and Tootie. I want to be carnivorous. I will eat fish if it’s the only thing on the menu, but I really just want some meat! I’m not fishiverous!
–Party, Ditmars Boulevard, Astoria
Overheard by: likes steak AND seafood
Girl to friend: Surely if she was ever in possession of a penis, then on merit she would inherit the family lobster farm?
–28th & 7th
Ginger: Garibaldi… That is so weird. That is the name of the California state fish. I wonder if the statue is named after the fish.
–Washington Square Park
Overheard by: camillo cavour
Man to wife: That’s too much calamari, even for a homeless guy.
–East Village
