Archive for the ‘Stuyvesant’ Category

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers: “Is This Thing On?”

PA sys­tem: Leia, please meet your par­ty at the front. Leia, not the princess, please meet your par­ty at the front.

–Bed, Bath & Be­yond, 18th & 6th

Over­heard by: Re­bec­ca

An­nounc­er over loud­speak­er: The time is now one am o’­clock!

–Bag­gage Claim, JFK

Over­heard by: Kim­mie

Loud­speak­er an­nounce­ment: At­ten­tion, all late night shop­pers, this is a live an­nounce­ment. I re­peat, this is not a record­ing! Right now, in our deli de­part­ment, ful­ly-cooked chick­ens! Come on over and get your chick­ens! They’re hot! They’re fresh! And they were alive this morn­ing!

–Path­mark, Cropsey Ave, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Sta­cy

An­nounce­ment over loud­speak­er dur­ing class: Hel­lo, I’m sor­ry for the in­ter­rup­tion. Mr Poland Spring, you have to go out­side, they’re about to tow your truck.

–Stuyvesant High School

Loud­speak­er: Good af­ter­noon, East Side. Fag football…oops, I mean “flag foot­ball” will meet in the cafe­te­ria im­me­di­ate­ly fol­low­ing ad­vi­so­ry.

–East Side Com­mu­ni­ty High School

Not An­oth­er Teen Wednes­day One-Lin­er

Teen in side­ways cap: I touched it, but I did­n’t like it.

–Up­town A Train

Over­heard by: La­dle

Stu­dent: Dude, I think I’m dyslex­ic with stairs.

–Stuyvesant High School

Teen, se­ri­ous­ly: No… We­bkinz are def­i­nite­ly a lot more high-main­te­nance then neopets.

–Down­town 6 Train

Teenage boy: I want to be a Sen­a­tor or some­thing like that. Like, the Gov­ern­ment is the best place to have sex.

–Bard High School, Queens

Over­heard by: Sun­ny

Punk teen to friends: Even though it seemed like she was in­to things, now she’s not in­to any­thing.

–Union Square

Over­heard by: i don’t like stuff ei­ther

Wednes­day One-lin­ers on Fad Di­ets

Fruit stand guy: Too much pa­paya! Too much mar­i­jua­na! Too much co­caine!

–Dean & Court, Cob­ble Hill

Over­heard by: Zach

Asian girl: You’re not fol­low­ing the di­et plan! It’s ei­ther junk food or no food!

–Stuyvesant High School

Fast Times at Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Teacher: My fa­ther al­ways told me, “Nev­er run away from a fight. If the guy’s big­ger than you, hit him. If he gets back up, hit him again. If he gets back up again, hit him with a garbage can. If he still gets back up, run like hell, ’cause this dude’s gonna kill you!”

–Stuyvesant High School

Teacher: Okay. Emer­gency pro­ce­dures. If the fire bell rings, we run like hell.

–Stuyvesant High School

Over­heard by: Goober

Chi­nese teacher (re­fer­ring to Sichuan earth­quake): They had a say­ing af­ter the earth­quake hap­pened that orig­i­nates from a male part. “Peo­ple are sup­posed to rise up, and get hard!” …and be strong.

–Bard High School Ear­ly Col­lege

Math teacher: Give me your lit­tle men!

–Spence School

Eng­lish teacher: I could be charged with child abuse in some states for teach­ing gram­mar in 90-de­gree weath­er. (stu­dent is silent) I’m not go­ing to hit you.

–Brook­lyn Tech

Over­heard by: Julie

Hey, I Saw the Crude Sketch­es in the Boys’ Re­stroom Way Be­fore That

(class is watch­ing a sci­ence video)
Sci­en­tist in the video: The prob­lem with the big bang is that we know noth­ing about it. We don’t when it banged, why it banged, how it banged, what ex­act­ly was be­ing banged…
(en­tire class laughs)
Smart-ass stu­dent: See, when a man loves a woman…
Smarter-ass stu­dent: Please, as if you did­n’t just learn that last year in bio!

–Stuyvesant High School