Archive for the ‘Subway conductors’ Category

Would It Be Feasible for Me to Throw Myself in Front Of My Own Train?

Conductor: This is a Manhattan-bound number three train; next stop is Sutter avenue-Rutland road; stand clear of the closing doors please.
[Doors close and open again.]Conductor: Please do not block the doors, stand clear, please.
[Doors close and open again.]Conductor: Do not block the doors. Stand clear, please.
[Doors close and open again.]Conductor: For the last motherfucking time, do not block the fucking doors! I know you ghetto-ass niggas don’t care about school, but some people want to get the fuck to work! Stand clear!
[Doors close and open again.]Conductor: I can’t fucking take this shit.

–3 Train

Overheard by: Morel Farember

Wednesday One-Liners Hope the Building Doesn’t Go Condo

Father to young son: We’ll get an apartment in Kentucky. Then you’ll only have to go to school through 6th grade.”

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: Dashing Dan

Jewy girl on cell: He’s an apartment broker?… Last time you said he dealt with hedge funds… Yea, I don’t think they are the same thing.

–21st St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Lezbotron

Guy: Well, my week has been interesting. Last month Meredith tried to sublet my apartment right out from under me. So, this week I went through her stuff and mailed her boyfriend –wait no, fiancé– a receipt from when she got an abortion last summer.

–10th & 1st

Overheard by: ED

Reasonable cop: Even though it’s a stinkin friggin apartment, he’s got a place to put his ugly fuckin head.

–Dunkin Donuts, Woodside, Queens

Twink #1 to twink #2: I believe in my heart of hearts that I should live in an apartment like the ones in Woody Allen movies.

–50th St & 9th Ave

Conductor on very crowded F train: Those of you with very small apartments will appreciate them now.

–F Train

Overheard by: da sarkastik ninja.

NY1 Top Story: Child Protection Services Taken Over by MTA

Voice over PA, as train is pulling out of the station: How you gonna let your child run around like that? You call yourself a mother? I could’ve closed the doors on your child and then what? You would’ve been all sad and shit but I was nice, I chose to keep the doors open. You call yourself a mother… lettin’ your child run around on the subway…

–1 train

Overheard by: LSB

There’s No Crying in Wednesday One-Liners!

Conductor: This is Willets Point/Shea Stadium. You know, home of the other team. (passengers laugh) You may laugh, but we all know no one really likes the Mets. Anyhoo, have a nice day, everyone. Stand clear of the closing doors.

–7 Train

Overheard by: Kristen

20-something guy wearing Red Sox hat to girlfriend: There’s no way we can have kids in New York. They’d be going to school with a bunch of brainwashed Yankee fan offspring, and every night we’d have to be telling them bedtime stories that end with “and they all lived happily every after, except for Derek Jeter, because he’s a fuckin’ asshole.”

–1 Train

Young woman on cell: I’m from New York, but live in Boston, but want to move back to New York… It’s hard being a Yankees fan surrounded by fucking Red Sox fans. I can’t do it anymore.

–L Train

Overheard by: I agree…

Subway conductor: Yankees fans. This is a Bronx-bound express D. This will not stop at Yankee stadium. Transfer at the next station to the B. (20 minutes later) Yankees fans. I promise you this train will not stop at Yankee stadium. You can transfer to the B at the next station. Or you could just not go to the game. The choice is yours.

–D Train

20-something mother to another, trying hard to look knowledgeable: The Yankees and Mets are playing two games today, the first at Yankee stadium and the second at Fenway, where the Mets play.

–Barnes & Noble Cafe

Woman in Jesus t‑shirt: Jesus hates the Yankees. 

–Uptown C Train

Overheard by: Penny

Conductor to packed train: Attention, attention passengers. To all Yankee fans on this train, please have a safe day today, and enjoy the game. Personally, I am a Red Sox fan. That is all.

–Uptown 4 Train

Wednesday One-liners Join the Jet Set

Southern woman on cell: I could not feel worse than I do right now…You will…Oh my god, they are gonna have to land that airplane so you can vomit.

–66th between CPW and Columbus

Overheard by: Charlie

Dirtbag: Man, I have to get over to Europe. I gotta sell a fucking kidney.

–St. Mark’s Place

Man on cell: Yeah baby, yeah, I’m still in London. Yeah, I’ll be back on Wednesday, baby.

–West 4th & Jane 

Conductor: You’re now entering the country of Brooklyn. Please have your passports ready…

–F train

Overheard by: Paul Eng 

The Little Wednesday One-Liner That Could

Cheerful female conductor: This is the express train. That means it’s not not not not not not not the local train. Don’t screw up.

–Metro-North Rail

Overheard by: Lynne

Conductor: Behold! This is Woodside! Change here for the former Shea Stadium, now Mets-Willets point. Have a great time!

–LIRR

Conductor: After Syosset, the next stop will be express, directly to Hunters Point Avenue. Do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars.

–LIRR

Overheard by: morningcommute

Conductor: There is an uptown express train across the tracks. When the doors open, get off if you want to get off. Don’t just stand there looking at it.

–Uptown 6 Train

Overheard by: Julie

Conductor, as doors open for passengers: Ladies and gentlemen, we know you’ve been waiting a long time for a train… (doors close abruptly) Wait for another.

–Q Train

What’s More American Than Wednesday One-Liners?

Guy on cell: Come on, one third of Americans don’t pay their taxes. I want to be one of them.

–7th Ave & Garfield, Brooklyn

Guy on cell: Does he know where he is? This is America–this is America. They makin’ ice cream every second! I don’t know what he’s complainin’ about, they got chains makin’ food 24 hours a day…they even makin’ milk on Christmas!

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: Tess

Obnoxious black guy to another: I was watchin’ a special on tv last night talkin’ about how gays can’t be in the war! When they find out the whole America is gay, we’re screwed!

–45th & 9th

Construction worker to another: Hell, I could break down George Bush in a debate. And I’m a fuckin’ plumber! (pause) I hate my damn nation…

–Dunkin’ Donuts, Astoria, Queens

Conductor: This is the r local to Continental… Forest Hills… Queens… USA!

–R Train

Overheard by: Mugsy’s Moll

Life Is Like a Box of Wednesday One-Liners…

Man on cell: What did I do to you? I bought you a house and you don’t even wanna live in it!

–F Train

Overheard by: LC

Conductor, over intercom: Ladies and gentlemen, this train is overbooked. That’s just the way things are. Life is unfair.

–Amtrak Train, Penn Station

Overheard by: Ladle

Suit: There was a time in my life when I would have never tired of hearing the word “vagina”. That time has passed.

–Staten Island Supreme Court

Conductor: Watch your step as you exit the train, and if you’re late, just remember that life is a lot like being on this train: we may not be there yet, but we’re getting there.

–2 Train

Overheard by: can this conductor drive my train every day please?