Archive for the ‘Subway conductors’ Category

Wednes­day One-lin­ers Join the Jet Set

South­ern woman on cell: I could not feel worse than I do right now…You will…Oh my god, they are gonna have to land that air­plane so you can vom­it.

–66th be­tween CPW and Colum­bus

Over­heard by: Char­lie

Dirt­bag: Man, I have to get over to Eu­rope. I got­ta sell a fuck­ing kid­ney.

–St. Mark’s Place

Man on cell: Yeah ba­by, yeah, I’m still in Lon­don. Yeah, I’ll be back on Wednes­day, ba­by.

–West 4th & Jane

Con­duc­tor: You’re now en­ter­ing the coun­try of Brook­lyn. Please have your pass­ports ready…

–F train

Over­heard by: Paul Eng

The Lit­tle Wednes­day One-Lin­er That Could

Cheer­ful fe­male con­duc­tor: This is the ex­press train. That means it’s not not not not not not not the lo­cal train. Don’t screw up.

–Metro-North Rail

Over­heard by: Lynne

Con­duc­tor: Be­hold! This is Wood­side! Change here for the for­mer Shea Sta­di­um, now Mets-Wil­lets point. Have a great time!

–LIRR

Con­duc­tor: Af­ter Syos­set, the next stop will be ex­press, di­rect­ly to Hunters Point Av­enue. Do not pass go, do not col­lect 200 dol­lars.

–LIRR

Over­heard by: morn­ing­com­mute

Con­duc­tor: There is an up­town ex­press train across the tracks. When the doors open, get off if you want to get off. Don’t just stand there look­ing at it.

–Up­town 6 Train

Over­heard by: Julie

Con­duc­tor, as doors open for pas­sen­gers: Ladies and gen­tle­men, we know you’ve been wait­ing a long time for a train… (doors close abrupt­ly) Wait for an­oth­er.

–Q Train

What’s More Amer­i­can Than Wednes­day One-Lin­ers?

Guy on cell: Come on, one third of Amer­i­cans don’t pay their tax­es. I want to be one of them.

–7th Ave & Garfield, Brook­lyn

Guy on cell: Does he know where he is? This is America–this is Amer­i­ca. They makin’ ice cream every sec­ond! I don’t know what he’s com­plain­in’ about, they got chains makin’ food 24 hours a day…they even makin’ milk on Christ­mas!

–NJ Tran­sit

Over­heard by: Tess

Ob­nox­ious black guy to an­oth­er: I was watchin’ a spe­cial on tv last night talkin’ about how gays can’t be in the war! When they find out the whole Amer­i­ca is gay, we’re screwed!

–45th & 9th

Con­struc­tion work­er to an­oth­er: Hell, I could break down George Bush in a de­bate. And I’m a fuckin’ plumber! (pause) I hate my damn na­tion…

–Dunkin’ Donuts, As­to­ria, Queens

Con­duc­tor: This is the r lo­cal to Con­ti­nen­tal… For­est Hills… Queens… USA!

–R Train

Over­heard by: Mugsy’s Moll

Life Is Like a Box of Wednes­day One-Lin­ers…

Man on cell: What did I do to you? I bought you a house and you don’t even wan­na live in it!

–F Train

Over­heard by: LC

Con­duc­tor, over in­ter­com: Ladies and gen­tle­men, this train is over­booked. That’s just the way things are. Life is un­fair.

–Am­trak Train, Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: La­dle

Suit: There was a time in my life when I would have nev­er tired of hear­ing the word “vagi­na”. That time has passed.

–Stat­en Is­land Supreme Court

Con­duc­tor: Watch your step as you ex­it the train, and if you’re late, just re­mem­ber that life is a lot like be­ing on this train: we may not be there yet, but we’re get­ting there.

–2 Train

Over­heard by: can this con­duc­tor dri­ve my train every day please?

What What (In the Wednes­day One-Lin­ers)

Drunk-look­ing girl on cell: … And I just re­ceived a post­card of butts! Things are look­ing up!

–Port Au­thor­i­ty

Over­heard by: La­dle

An­gry soc­cer mom: Who­ev­er has his or her hand on my ass, you bet­ter be one of my kids.

–Stat­en Is­land Fer­ry

Chick on cell: Ew! Ass stri­a­tions?

–1 Train

Over­heard by: La­dle

Col­lege girl: I slept at Steve’s dorm. Need­less to say, my ass cleared every sur­face he had in that room. Twice.

–Down­town B Train

Over­heard by: Po­la

Tall guy on cell: Lis­ten, if you want a white woman to show you her ass all you got­ta do is pull out a cam­era. They drop their panties in a sec­ond, at least that’s what I tell the com­mit­tee.

–Star­bucks, Colum­bus Cir­cle

Con­duc­tor over loud­speak­er: Aaaand next stop… Yo’ ma­ma’s ass!

–F Train from Queens

Over­heard by: Tina K

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Choo-Choo-Choose You

Con­duc­tor: At­ten­tion down­town pas­sen­gers. The train that just left the sta­tion was ob­vi­ous­ly not your train.

–6 Train

Woman on cell: Hey, it’s the MTA who should be spanked!

–Rec­tor St.

Over­heard by: La­dle

Small girl to mom: I like this train sta­tion the best be­cause it has an el­e­va­tor, and you can see the whole world out­side. The whole wide beau­ti­ful world.

–Harlem Es­ca­la­tor, 1 Train

Over­heard by: Mark Brinker

Guy: I get all my in­for­ma­tion from sub­way ads.

–F Train

Over­heard by: Thom Co­hen

Woman, hear­ing gar­bled an­nounce­ment that E train is run­ning as an F: No! They are takin’ all my E trains!

–E Train

Over­heard by: I can has E train?

Crack­head: Make sure to take your news­pa­pers with you on the way out of the train. I’m hav­ing com­pa­ny over lat­er and I want it to look nice.

–Franklin Av­enue Shut­tle

Over­heard by: shut­tle rid­er

Less Than Truth­ful Wednes­day One-lin­ers

Con­duc­tor: Ladies and gen­tle­men, we apol­o­gize for the de­lay. I promise it will nev­er. hap­pen. again.

–up­town C train

Man scream­ing on cell : Nah, I did­n’t lie to you about nuthin’. [Pause] Even if I did lie, I sho’ would­n’t tell you about it!

–43rd & 6th

Over­heard by: C Mike

Parkin­son’s Is­n’t Con­ta­gious

Man: Ex­cuse me…I just want­ed to let you know that I was walk­ing just out­side this sta­tion and a large, black man just grabbed and shook me and start­ed say­ing some­thing crazy.
MTA la­dy: Did he take any­thing from you?
Man: No. But he was crazy and he shook me!

–Clin­ton-Wash­ing­ton Av­enues sta­tion

Over­heard by: Mar­la Shu