Archive for the ‘Subway conductors’ Category

NY1 Top Sto­ry: Child Pro­tec­tion Ser­vices Tak­en Over by MTA

Voice over PA, as train is pulling out of the sta­tion: How you gonna let your child run around like that? You call your­self a moth­er? I could’ve closed the doors on your child and then what? You would’ve been all sad and shit but I was nice, I chose to keep the doors open. You call your­self a moth­er… let­tin’ your child run around on the sub­way…

–1 train

Over­heard by: LSB

There’s No Cry­ing in Wednes­day One-Lin­ers!

Con­duc­tor: This is Wil­lets Point/Shea Sta­di­um. You know, home of the oth­er team. (pas­sen­gers laugh) You may laugh, but we all know no one re­al­ly likes the Mets. Any­hoo, have a nice day, every­one. Stand clear of the clos­ing doors.

–7 Train

Over­heard by: Kris­ten

20-some­thing guy wear­ing Red Sox hat to girl­friend: There’s no way we can have kids in New York. They’d be go­ing to school with a bunch of brain­washed Yan­kee fan off­spring, and every night we’d have to be telling them bed­time sto­ries that end with “and they all lived hap­pi­ly every af­ter, ex­cept for Derek Jeter, be­cause he’s a fuckin’ ass­hole.”

–1 Train

Young woman on cell: I’m from New York, but live in Boston, but want to move back to New York… It’s hard be­ing a Yan­kees fan sur­round­ed by fuck­ing Red Sox fans. I can’t do it any­more.

–L Train

Over­heard by: I agree…

Sub­way con­duc­tor: Yan­kees fans. This is a Bronx-bound ex­press D. This will not stop at Yan­kee sta­di­um. Trans­fer at the next sta­tion to the B. (20 min­utes lat­er) Yan­kees fans. I promise you this train will not stop at Yan­kee sta­di­um. You can trans­fer to the B at the next sta­tion. Or you could just not go to the game. The choice is yours.

–D Train

20-some­thing moth­er to an­oth­er, try­ing hard to look knowl­edge­able: The Yan­kees and Mets are play­ing two games to­day, the first at Yan­kee sta­di­um and the sec­ond at Fen­way, where the Mets play.

–Barnes & No­ble Cafe

Woman in Je­sus t‑shirt: Je­sus hates the Yan­kees.

–Up­town C Train

Over­heard by: Pen­ny

Con­duc­tor to packed train: At­ten­tion, at­ten­tion pas­sen­gers. To all Yan­kee fans on this train, please have a safe day to­day, and en­joy the game. Per­son­al­ly, I am a Red Sox fan. That is all.

–Up­town 4 Train

Wednes­day One-lin­ers Join the Jet Set

South­ern woman on cell: I could not feel worse than I do right now…You will…Oh my god, they are gonna have to land that air­plane so you can vom­it.

–66th be­tween CPW and Colum­bus

Over­heard by: Char­lie

Dirt­bag: Man, I have to get over to Eu­rope. I got­ta sell a fuck­ing kid­ney.

–St. Mark’s Place

Man on cell: Yeah ba­by, yeah, I’m still in Lon­don. Yeah, I’ll be back on Wednes­day, ba­by.

–West 4th & Jane

Con­duc­tor: You’re now en­ter­ing the coun­try of Brook­lyn. Please have your pass­ports ready…

–F train

Over­heard by: Paul Eng

The Lit­tle Wednes­day One-Lin­er That Could

Cheer­ful fe­male con­duc­tor: This is the ex­press train. That means it’s not not not not not not not the lo­cal train. Don’t screw up.

–Metro-North Rail

Over­heard by: Lynne

Con­duc­tor: Be­hold! This is Wood­side! Change here for the for­mer Shea Sta­di­um, now Mets-Wil­lets point. Have a great time!

–LIRR

Con­duc­tor: Af­ter Syos­set, the next stop will be ex­press, di­rect­ly to Hunters Point Av­enue. Do not pass go, do not col­lect 200 dol­lars.

–LIRR

Over­heard by: morn­ing­com­mute

Con­duc­tor: There is an up­town ex­press train across the tracks. When the doors open, get off if you want to get off. Don’t just stand there look­ing at it.

–Up­town 6 Train

Over­heard by: Julie

Con­duc­tor, as doors open for pas­sen­gers: Ladies and gen­tle­men, we know you’ve been wait­ing a long time for a train… (doors close abrupt­ly) Wait for an­oth­er.

–Q Train

What’s More Amer­i­can Than Wednes­day One-Lin­ers?

Guy on cell: Come on, one third of Amer­i­cans don’t pay their tax­es. I want to be one of them.

–7th Ave & Garfield, Brook­lyn

Guy on cell: Does he know where he is? This is America–this is Amer­i­ca. They makin’ ice cream every sec­ond! I don’t know what he’s com­plain­in’ about, they got chains makin’ food 24 hours a day…they even makin’ milk on Christ­mas!

–NJ Tran­sit

Over­heard by: Tess

Ob­nox­ious black guy to an­oth­er: I was watchin’ a spe­cial on tv last night talkin’ about how gays can’t be in the war! When they find out the whole Amer­i­ca is gay, we’re screwed!

–45th & 9th

Con­struc­tion work­er to an­oth­er: Hell, I could break down George Bush in a de­bate. And I’m a fuckin’ plumber! (pause) I hate my damn na­tion…

–Dunkin’ Donuts, As­to­ria, Queens

Con­duc­tor: This is the r lo­cal to Con­ti­nen­tal… For­est Hills… Queens… USA!

–R Train

Over­heard by: Mugsy’s Moll

Life Is Like a Box of Wednes­day One-Lin­ers…

Man on cell: What did I do to you? I bought you a house and you don’t even wan­na live in it!

–F Train

Over­heard by: LC

Con­duc­tor, over in­ter­com: Ladies and gen­tle­men, this train is over­booked. That’s just the way things are. Life is un­fair.

–Am­trak Train, Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: La­dle

Suit: There was a time in my life when I would have nev­er tired of hear­ing the word “vagi­na”. That time has passed.

–Stat­en Is­land Supreme Court

Con­duc­tor: Watch your step as you ex­it the train, and if you’re late, just re­mem­ber that life is a lot like be­ing on this train: we may not be there yet, but we’re get­ting there.

–2 Train

Over­heard by: can this con­duc­tor dri­ve my train every day please?

What What (In the Wednes­day One-Lin­ers)

Drunk-look­ing girl on cell: … And I just re­ceived a post­card of butts! Things are look­ing up!

–Port Au­thor­i­ty

Over­heard by: La­dle

An­gry soc­cer mom: Who­ev­er has his or her hand on my ass, you bet­ter be one of my kids.

–Stat­en Is­land Fer­ry

Chick on cell: Ew! Ass stri­a­tions?

–1 Train

Over­heard by: La­dle

Col­lege girl: I slept at Steve’s dorm. Need­less to say, my ass cleared every sur­face he had in that room. Twice.

–Down­town B Train

Over­heard by: Po­la

Tall guy on cell: Lis­ten, if you want a white woman to show you her ass all you got­ta do is pull out a cam­era. They drop their panties in a sec­ond, at least that’s what I tell the com­mit­tee.

–Star­bucks, Colum­bus Cir­cle

Con­duc­tor over loud­speak­er: Aaaand next stop… Yo’ ma­ma’s ass!

–F Train from Queens

Over­heard by: Tina K