Archive for the ‘Subway conductors’ Category

What What (In the Wednes­day One-Lin­ers)

Drunk-look­ing girl on cell: … And I just re­ceived a post­card of butts! Things are look­ing up!

–Port Au­thor­i­ty

Over­heard by: La­dle

An­gry soc­cer mom: Who­ev­er has his or her hand on my ass, you bet­ter be one of my kids.

–Stat­en Is­land Fer­ry

Chick on cell: Ew! Ass stri­a­tions?

–1 Train

Over­heard by: La­dle

Col­lege girl: I slept at Steve’s dorm. Need­less to say, my ass cleared every sur­face he had in that room. Twice.

–Down­town B Train

Over­heard by: Po­la

Tall guy on cell: Lis­ten, if you want a white woman to show you her ass all you got­ta do is pull out a cam­era. They drop their panties in a sec­ond, at least that’s what I tell the com­mit­tee.

–Star­bucks, Colum­bus Cir­cle

Con­duc­tor over loud­speak­er: Aaaand next stop… Yo’ ma­ma’s ass!

–F Train from Queens

Over­heard by: Tina K

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Choo-Choo-Choose You

Con­duc­tor: At­ten­tion down­town pas­sen­gers. The train that just left the sta­tion was ob­vi­ous­ly not your train.

–6 Train

Woman on cell: Hey, it’s the MTA who should be spanked!

–Rec­tor St.

Over­heard by: La­dle

Small girl to mom: I like this train sta­tion the best be­cause it has an el­e­va­tor, and you can see the whole world out­side. The whole wide beau­ti­ful world.

–Harlem Es­ca­la­tor, 1 Train

Over­heard by: Mark Brinker

Guy: I get all my in­for­ma­tion from sub­way ads.

–F Train

Over­heard by: Thom Co­hen

Woman, hear­ing gar­bled an­nounce­ment that E train is run­ning as an F: No! They are takin’ all my E trains!

–E Train

Over­heard by: I can has E train?

Crack­head: Make sure to take your news­pa­pers with you on the way out of the train. I’m hav­ing com­pa­ny over lat­er and I want it to look nice.

–Franklin Av­enue Shut­tle

Over­heard by: shut­tle rid­er

Less Than Truth­ful Wednes­day One-lin­ers

Con­duc­tor: Ladies and gen­tle­men, we apol­o­gize for the de­lay. I promise it will nev­er. hap­pen. again.

–up­town C train

Man scream­ing on cell : Nah, I did­n’t lie to you about nuthin’. [Pause] Even if I did lie, I sho’ would­n’t tell you about it!

–43rd & 6th

Over­heard by: C Mike

Parkin­son’s Is­n’t Con­ta­gious

Man: Ex­cuse me…I just want­ed to let you know that I was walk­ing just out­side this sta­tion and a large, black man just grabbed and shook me and start­ed say­ing some­thing crazy.
MTA la­dy: Did he take any­thing from you?
Man: No. But he was crazy and he shook me!

–Clin­ton-Wash­ing­ton Av­enues sta­tion

Over­heard by: Mar­la Shu

Now I Know My Wednes­day One-Lin­ers, Next Time Won’t You Wednes­day One-Lin­er With Me?

Lit­tle boy singing to moth­er: E is for drug­gies!

–R Train

Over­heard by: Al­le­gra

Crazy hobo: Take the V train! V is for va­sec­to­my. Why take the crowd­ed E train where all the les­bians will crush you?

–V Train Plat­form

Over­heard by: Tom

Con­duc­tor: This is 14th Street. Trans­fer here for the L as in “low­er lev­el of hell”.

–F Train

Over­heard by: So True

Lit­tle boy play­ing with chop­sticks: Look mom! (forms a V) V for Vic­to­ria! (forms an X) X for xy­lo­phone! (forms a T) and T for ter­ror­ist!

–Japan­ese Restau­rant, 3rd & 25th

Con­duc­tor over loud­speak­er: I know it’s Sat­ur­day af­ter­noon and all you peo­ple are mad con­fused be­cause the trains are all messed up on week­ends, so lis­ten up: The W as in “Will you mar­ry me?” will be run­ning on the Q as in “cook­ie” line. And the R as in (goes in op­er­at­ic singing voice) “rooooooooooomeooooooooooo” will be run­ning nor­mal­ly for the rest of the week­end. Al­right y’all… There you go. En­joy your Sat­ur­day!

–Canal Street Sub­way Sta­tion

Over­heard by: stfo

Wednes­day Wears the One-Lin­ers in This Fam­i­ly

South­ern tourist in pink pants: I don’t see any­body else wear­ing pink pants around here!

–73rd & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Har­ri­et Vane

Girl on cell, wear­ing leg­gings and a t‑shirt: Oh, shit, I for­got to put on pants again.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

La­dy in cor­ner stall: Damn, I done sweat­ed through my pants!

–Re­stroom, 1 Lib­er­ty Plaza

Smug girl to gag­gle: No, these are my pe­ri­od pants. My mom washed them for me!

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: bih.

Thug: I’m the on­ly playa in the hood with his pants on his waist!

–10th & Ave B

Over­heard by: Kay­la K

Con­duc­tor over in­ter­com: At­ten­tion, all crew mem­bers! Be sure you have your pants! Hey, Lar­ry, you got yo’ pants?

–Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: Ge­ol­o­gist

This Round’s on Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Hobo to an­oth­er: Now the av­er­age Amer­i­can might not know about the econ­o­my and the de­pres­sion. But they know about Bud­wieser. If they go to the bode­ga and there’s no Bud­weis­er, they know there’s a prob­lem.

–53rd Street E Sta­tion

Over­heard by: SJG

Bald 30-some­thing man: I be­lieve in whiskey and lit­tle else.

–Lorimer & Union

Girl walk­ing down the street: You took metham­phet­a­mines, I’m get­ting a Di­et Coke!

–2nd Ave & 11th St

Over­heard by: dazed and con­fused

Elat­ed girl: This beer is re­al­ly help­ing my canker sore.

–93rd & 2nd

Over­heard by: bri­an w

Guy at bar: If the New York Pub­lic Li­brary served Scotch, I would go there.

–Kar­l’s Klip­per, St George, Stat­en Is­land

Over­heard by: John­ny Dron­go

Train con­duc­tor: Next stop, Moshu­lo Parkway…and can some­one get me a fuck­ing so­da! I’m in car 3! I need a damn so­da!

–4 Train

Over­heard by: B‑Dizzle Yo

They Just Like Watch­ing Us Scur­ry

Con­duc­tor #1: The ar­riv­ing N train pulling in­to the sta­tion will be leav­ing first. I re­peat, the ar­riv­ing N train pulling in­to the sta­tion will be leav­ing first.
Con­duc­tor #2: This is the N train!
Con­duc­tor #1: Every­one get back on the train! Every­one get back on the train!

–Dit­mars Boule­vard sta­tion

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are Shame­less Peck­er Check­ers

Suit on cell: I said to him, “If I had my dick out on the bar, you think she would­n’t look at it?” and he kept telling me I owed her an apol­o­gy, so I said, “Sweet­heart, sor­ry I looked at your pussy.” Lis­ten, I got­ta get off the train now. I’ll call you back.

–LIRR

Over­heard by: Pasty

Guy stand­ing at low­ered uri­nal to guy stand­ing at reg­u­lar height uri­nal: The low uri­nal is for the guys with big dicks, so they don’t bot­tom out.

–Roc Restau­rant

Guy to group of friends (bois­ter­ous­ly): I on­ly date chicks with small hands…makes my dick look huge!

–St. An­drews Bar

Over­heard by: al­li­max

Woman (scream­ing in­to phone): Suck my dick, bitch!

–Near Man­hat­tan Mall

Guy shout­ing in­to cell: We got a cab. And you can eat a dick.

–Hanover & Wa­ter

Over­heard by: Kaitlen

Con­duc­tor: Ladies and gen­tle­men, we are be­ing de­layed be­cause some dick is hold­ing the door. We will be mov­ing when the dick takes his arm out the door.

–4 Train

Over­heard by: jessie