Archive for the ‘Suicide’ Category

We Ivy Lea­guers Can Af­ford to Kill Our­selves with Co­caine

Pro­fes­sor in stuffy room: Some­one open a win­dow.
Stu­dent: We’re on the fifth floor; they don’t open.
Pro­fes­sor: I don’t un­der­stand why they don’t un­lock them. No one is go­ing to kill them­selves. We’re not NYU.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Call the Hot­line Every Week

Teen girl, de­spair­ing­ly: If they ever find out a way to bring peo­ple back to life, I’m go­ing to kill my­self!

–14th St Sub­way Plat­form

Over­heard by: yonc­to

Blonde on cell: Don’t send me stu­pid things about how you want to stab your­self in the heart. It’s in­con­sid­er­ate.

–Union Square

Over­heard by: Con­fab­u­la­tion Na­tion

Hip­ster: I’m so stressed out right now; if I was go­ing to NYU, I would’ve jumped out of a build­ing.

–City Col­lege

Over­heard by: Damn Right!

Guy on cell: You took them with al­co­hol? [Pause.] Wait, let me get this straight, you took all of them, then you got drunk? Yeah dude, that is just sui­cide.

–El­e­va­tor, Saks Fifth Ave

Old wait­ress: Were you here the time Jim­my cru­ci­fied him­self?

–Man­hat­tan Restau­rant, Green­point

Over­heard by: chris

Dis­grun­tled Lati­na to friend: And I told her bitch: “Kill your­self, you don’t even know how to smoke right!”

–4 Train

Too Soon?

NYU girl #1: I have so much work due in this next week that it’s not even fun­ny. I kind of want to kill my­self.
NYU girl #2, glanc­ing around: Don’t say things like that. Peo­ple ac­tu­al­ly take you se­ri­ous­ly around here.

–Star­bucks, Wash­ing­ton Sq Park

Over­heard by: prospec­tive nyu stu­dent … or not

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are Mold­ing Young Minds

Eng­lish teacher: Class, I’d like you to re­mem­ber where the line is. It is al­ways mov­ing, and it is de­ter­mined by me.

–Bronx Sci­ence

Over­heard by: HJWC

Eng­lish teacher: I rose up in­to the air and flew out the win­dow… You did­n’t no­tice this?

–Hunter Col­lege High

Over­heard by: stu­pid eng­lish stu­dent

Old teacher: Okay, there are three rules in this class­room, and I am com­plete­ly se­ri­ous. Num­ber one, no swear­ing. Num­ber two, no scuf­fles. Num­ber three, no sex un­til 3:20 when you can do what you want.

–Grace Church School

Teacher: I’m a huge fan of bath­room stall graf­fi­ti! My fa­vorite from this school is in the third floor bath­room: ‘If you can read this, you are poop­ing.’

–Bard High School Ear­ly Col­lege

Teacher to an­oth­er: You are a he­m­or­rhoid in my ass.

–Brook­lyn Tech

Over­heard by: Julie

Health teacher: Drug abuse is a symp­tom of sui­cide.

–Hunter Col­lege High

Eng­lish teacher: The next scene is about sex, so pay at­ten­tion. You might learn some­thing.

–Brook­lyn Tech

Over­heard by: Julie

Nos Mori­t­uri Te Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Boat PA: Ladies and gen­tle­men on the top deck of the boat, please do not stand on the bench­es. If you fall over­board, you will die in this frigid, freez­ing wa­ter. Thank you, and en­joy your vis­it to El­lis is­land.

–El­lis Is­land Fer­ry

Over­heard by: land lub­ber

Ur­ban so­phis­ti­cate: Steve Ir­win’s death was ran­dom. That stingray did not know where his heart was!

–Met­ro­pol­i­tan Opera

Over­heard by: Opera On­look­er

Male suit to woman suit: So, hope­ful­ly you’re not the an­gel of death… Are you?

–53rd & Broad­way

Over­heard by: S&B

Teen guy to three teenage girls: I’m pret­ty sure I’m in­vin­ci­ble and can’t die.

–6th Ave

Over­heard by: Justin

Woman on cell: My trip went re­al­ly well, ex­cept for Mar­i­lyn’s* death and all.

–52nd St & Madi­son

Over­heard by: kinicke

50-some­thing pro­fes­sor: So, then the lit­tle girl goes back up in­to her room where she is read­ing bible vers­es while every­one else is in church. Then, she ei­ther dies all alone… Like Heath Ledger… Or she kills her­self. We just don’t know.

–Barnard Col­lege