Archive for the ‘Suicide’ Category

Nos Mori­t­uri Te Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Boat PA: Ladies and gen­tle­men on the top deck of the boat, please do not stand on the bench­es. If you fall over­board, you will die in this frigid, freez­ing wa­ter. Thank you, and en­joy your vis­it to El­lis is­land.

–El­lis Is­land Fer­ry

Over­heard by: land lub­ber

Ur­ban so­phis­ti­cate: Steve Ir­win’s death was ran­dom. That stingray did not know where his heart was!

–Met­ro­pol­i­tan Opera

Over­heard by: Opera On­look­er

Male suit to woman suit: So, hope­ful­ly you’re not the an­gel of death… Are you?

–53rd & Broad­way

Over­heard by: S&B

Teen guy to three teenage girls: I’m pret­ty sure I’m in­vin­ci­ble and can’t die.

–6th Ave

Over­heard by: Justin

Woman on cell: My trip went re­al­ly well, ex­cept for Mar­i­lyn’s* death and all.

–52nd St & Madi­son

Over­heard by: kinicke

50-some­thing pro­fes­sor: So, then the lit­tle girl goes back up in­to her room where she is read­ing bible vers­es while every­one else is in church. Then, she ei­ther dies all alone… Like Heath Ledger… Or she kills her­self. We just don’t know.

–Barnard Col­lege

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Leave a Note

Clerk: … So she pulls the sui­cide card. On the sec­ond date!

–30th St

Over­heard by: Schroed­er

So­ci­ol­o­gy pro­fes­sor: Just think of your life as a thou­sand chances a day to com­mit sui­cide.


Pes­simistic teen: Jel­ly beans make me want to kill my­self.

–Tasti D‑Lite, Bleeck­er & Mac­Dougall

Over­heard by: Louis

Chick: I would nev­er com­mit sui­cide! I would do some­thing in­stead. You know, like cut sug­ar cane…


Over­heard by: Nosy

Wednes­dan­i­mal One-Lin­ers

Man to friend: I don’t know what made him think he could out­run an al­li­ga­tor!

–Sheri­dan Square

Over­heard by: Lo­ry

Fa­ther to young son: Holy shit, Joey, look at the tur­tles! They’re stackin’ and rackin’ ’em!

–Cen­tral Park Zoo

Mom to kid, point­ing to seal ex­hib­it: Look! Ot­ters!

–Cen­tral Park Zoo

Over­heard by: Re­bec­ca

Young man, joy­ful­ly throw­ing his arms in the air: Then all of the lem­mings go off of the cliff!

–The Vil­lage

Over­heard by: Aaron

The Same Dy­nam­ic That Makes Peo­ple See Slash­er Movies

Overex­cit­ed teenage girl, pick­ing up a copy of Al­ice Se­bold’s Lucky: Oh my god. Do not read this book. It will make you want to kill your­self, and the au­thor.
Bored teenage boy: Re­al­ly? I’m not that… de­pressed or any­thing.
Overex­cit­ed teenage girl: Nei­ther was I!

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty Book­store

Over­heard by: amused book­seller

Fun­ny You Should Say That

Stu­dent con­duct­ing sur­vey: Would you like to take a sur­vey?
Girl: What’s it about?
Stu­dent: Well, I can’t tell you what it is about, but it on­ly takes three min­utes, and if you don’t like it, you can stop at any time and still get a …
Girl, cut­ting him off: Okay, but it won’t make me want to kill my­self like every oth­er sur­vey I take?

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty, Lern­er Hall

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Leave a Note

Co­lum­bia stu­dent on cell: Man, I need Spring Break so bad. I need it more than I need­ed to mess around with that sui­ci­dal chick last week­end.

–W 114th St

Over­heard by: arthur dig­by sel­l­ars

Mid­dle-aged la­dy on cell: Well, does Mom know about this? … That’s not a sui­cide pact, Dad, it’s a mur­der-sui­cide.

–Smith & Baltic, Brook­lyn

Old sub­ur­ban la­dy: Well, maybe I should try killing my­self for once!

–Port Au­thor­i­ty

Over­heard by: Ian

Teen to friend, en­thu­si­as­ti­cal­ly: Let’s hold hands and skip and tell him to go kill him­self!

–Hen­der­son Ave, Stat­en Is­land

Over­heard by: Green Star

Old guy: Guy is hold­ing up traf­fic for five hours be­cause he wants to jump off the George Wash­ing­ton Bridge. You wan­na kill your­self, take a bot­tle of pills!

–Chi­ro­prac­ter’s of­fice

Over­heard by: sara n.