Archive for the ‘Suits’ Category

The Kind Of Thing We’ve Come to Ex­pect from Blondie.

Blonde in con­vert­ible: Hey, cutie!
Suit: (turns around briefly, keeps walk­ing)
Blonde: Hey! With the nice ass, we were talk­ing to you!
Suit, walk­ing back to con­vert­ible: Yes?
Blonde: My friend here thinks you’re cute and wants your num­ber.
Suit: Uh… I’m flat­tered, but I have a fi­ancee, so I’ll pass.
Brunette dri­ver: I did­n’t ask if you were sin­gle, I said you had a nice ass and I want your num­ber.
Suit: Again, thanks, but no.
Brunette: How about I give you mine?
Blonde: You know, for when the mar­riage does­n’t work out.
Suit: Yeah, no. But you girls have a great day.

–3rd Ave & 46th St

Make Womb for Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Suit on phone: I don’t think she knows. (pause) But it’s just a night job! (pause) No, there’s no way I’m preg­nant. (pause) Why not?! Be­cause I’m a man, god­dammit!

–Star­bucks

Woman on cell: So re­mem­ber that time I thought I had that mis­car­riage?

–Grand Con­course & Ford­ham Road

Over­heard by: Er­i­ca S

Slight­ly over­weight girl: Thank you for the of­fer, sweet­ie, but I’m not preg­nant. I’m just fat!

–M100 Bus

Over­heard by: Tina­thetiny

Tall girl on cell: No way! I thought *you* were go­ing to im­preg­nate *me*. I wan­na have *your* chil­dren.

–Prince & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Ken Pa­proc­ki

And Mom­ma Bear Said, “This Ad­vice Is Too Friend­ly”

Con­duc­tor: Ladies and gen­tle­men, due to an ear­li­er in­ci­dent, all Sixth Av­enue line trains are run­ning over the Eighth Av­enue line. Please be pa­tient.
Con­fused tourist la­dy: What does that even mean? I don’t un­der­stand.
Suit: It means that if you want to take any of the trains on the or­ange line you trans­fer at the next sta­tion like nor­mal, but in­stead of go­ing down­stairs you just wait on that plat­form for the train you want.
Mid­dle-aged woman across aisle: They’re not or­ange line trains. It’s the B, the D, the F and the V. Re­al New York­ers don’t call it the or­ange line.
Suit: Hey, la­dy, fuck you. There, is that New York enough for ya?

–E train ap­proach­ing W 4th St

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Want to Be a Part Of It

Suit: That’s why I can’t help but love New York. New York is like the sick un­cle that touch­es you when no ones around.

–Grand Cen­tral Ter­mi­nal

Girl, af­ter pass­ing a tourist bump­ing in­to her: In New York we say “ex­cuse me!”

–Ma­cy’s, Her­ald Square

Over­heard by: The City Plan­ner

Guy to friend: Are we in the in­ner city or just the city?

–1st Ave & 6th St

Dude walk­ing out of Penn sta­tion: You know what’s great about go­ing out in New York City? You can get com­plete­ly bombed and it’s no big deal, be­cause you’ll prob­a­bly nev­er see those peo­ple again, you know?

–Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: BPV

Aussie: The key to this city is to use words like “shit­ter.”

–96th & Colum­bus Ave

The Unit­ed One-Lin­ers Of Wednes­day

Fe­male suit on cell: And if we get cus­tody, we can take the girls to North Car­oli­na! Fuck it! Yeah, we can!

–37th St & Madi­son

Over­heard by: catch­ing a train

Lit­tle boy: Mom­my, is Cal­i­for­nia re­al­ly far? Would we have to take the f train to get there?

–N Train

Crazy-eyed la­dy on sub­way: The pub­lic schools failed my son! He flunked out, and now he’s get­ting all As in pri­vate school! We need to stop putting mon­ey in­to Geor­gia and put mon­ey in­to our schools! You know what else we need to do? We need to drill in Alas­ka, be­cause if we don’t, Rus­si­a’s go­ing to get a pipeline in there and take it all!

–Up­town R Train

Over­heard by: An­na P.

20-some­thing woman: I think he’s just go­ing to club me…and drag me back to Alas­ka.

–Bleeck­er & 11th

Over­heard by: Im­ma club you

Fa­ther to five-year-old daugh­ter touch­ing sign­posts and cars: You can rub any­thing you want in Con­necti­cut, hon­ey, but we have to be care­ful in New York.

–Union Square

Thugette: Ohio was mad crazy. Hill­bil­lies be fuck­ing chill­in’ on the block. Ain’t no one had teeth! No one! You ever seen one of those movies where some white guy goes fuck­ing crazy and kills, like, ten peo­ple? Like he’s walk­ing down the street and just stabs a cat in the neck? It was like that.

–V Train

Meds­day One-Lin­ers

Ra­di­ol­o­gy nurse: I have been asked out be­fore. But nev­er while giv­ing a bar­i­um en­e­ma!

–Ra­di­ol­o­gy Med­ical Of­fice, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Pa­per

Doc­tor on cell: I have to get ori­ent­ed as to the lo­ca­tion of those ca­dav­ers!

–3rd Ave, Near Cabri­ni Med­ical Cen­ter

Old­er doc­tor to younger doc­tor in a group: You ac­tu­al­ly tried to get a der­ma­tol­ogy con­sul­tant to come in the mid­dle of the night? That was pret­ty dumb. You know those guys would­n’t get out of their Shea but­ter body wraps un­less the world was end­ing.

–Kings Coun­ty Emer­gency Room

Suit to la­dy friend: If you re­al­ly want­ed to smoke crack you’d go to the hos­pi­tal!

–Nas­sau St & Ann St

Over­weight girl to fe­male friend: Wan­na play gy­ne­col­o­gist?

–St. Mark’s Place

Over­heard by: Sarah Booz