Archive for the ‘Suits’ Category

I’m All Out of Friends

Suit #1: Yeah, back in high school I picked on the wimps in gym. It’s how I made friends, y’­know?
Suit #2: Yeah, to­tal­ly. That’s how I made friends too.
Suit #1: I won­der what­ev­er hap­pened to those guys.

–6th Ave

Wow, “Long Is­land” and “Bet­ter” in One Dis­cus­sion

Suit #1: How long have you lived here?
Suit #2: How old are you? Prob­a­bly longer than you have been alive.
Suit #1: Born and raised in New York, huh?
Suit #2: No, a farm in PA. Got the fuck out of there, though. Met a girl from New York–well ac­tu­al­ly, Long Island–married her and moved out here. Thought she had mon­ey. Yeah…fooled the shit out of me.
Suit #3: Ha, you were that close to be­ing bet­ter than all of us.

–Wall & Wa­ter

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers for Cele­bre­tards

Young black guy to an­oth­er: You know, Oba­ma is to pol­i­tics what Richard Sim­mons is to ex­er­cise.

–PATH Train

Guy stand­ing out­side bar: And she was like, “What, like Gary Cole­man?” and I’m like, “No, not like fuck­ing Gary Cole­man!”

–4th & 10th

Girl to boyfriend: Well, Tom Green on­ly had one tes­ti­cle. It’s to­tal­ly fine.

–E 11th St

Over­heard by: j

Suit on cell: And I was like, “Fuck you, Ryan Cabr­era”!

–Bed­ford & 6th St

Black girl on cell: I told you, we’re like the Paris Hiltons of Liberia.

–Bor­ders, Wall St

Over­heard by: step

Guy (af­ter tak­ing pic­ture with Je­re­my Piv­en): Damn! I can’t put this on My­Space. I’m wear­ing the same shirt I wore when I met Chazz Palminteri!

–Out­side Bar­ry­more The­atre

Over­heard by: Pasta…Salad

The Kind Of Thing We’ve Come to Ex­pect from Blondie.

Blonde in con­vert­ible: Hey, cutie!
Suit: (turns around briefly, keeps walk­ing)
Blonde: Hey! With the nice ass, we were talk­ing to you!
Suit, walk­ing back to con­vert­ible: Yes?
Blonde: My friend here thinks you’re cute and wants your num­ber.
Suit: Uh… I’m flat­tered, but I have a fi­ancee, so I’ll pass.
Brunette dri­ver: I did­n’t ask if you were sin­gle, I said you had a nice ass and I want your num­ber.
Suit: Again, thanks, but no.
Brunette: How about I give you mine?
Blonde: You know, for when the mar­riage does­n’t work out.
Suit: Yeah, no. But you girls have a great day.

–3rd Ave & 46th St

Make Womb for Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Suit on phone: I don’t think she knows. (pause) But it’s just a night job! (pause) No, there’s no way I’m preg­nant. (pause) Why not?! Be­cause I’m a man, god­dammit!

–Star­bucks

Woman on cell: So re­mem­ber that time I thought I had that mis­car­riage?

–Grand Con­course & Ford­ham Road

Over­heard by: Er­i­ca S

Slight­ly over­weight girl: Thank you for the of­fer, sweet­ie, but I’m not preg­nant. I’m just fat!

–M100 Bus

Over­heard by: Tina­thetiny

Tall girl on cell: No way! I thought *you* were go­ing to im­preg­nate *me*. I wan­na have *your* chil­dren.

–Prince & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Ken Pa­proc­ki

And Mom­ma Bear Said, “This Ad­vice Is Too Friend­ly”

Con­duc­tor: Ladies and gen­tle­men, due to an ear­li­er in­ci­dent, all Sixth Av­enue line trains are run­ning over the Eighth Av­enue line. Please be pa­tient.
Con­fused tourist la­dy: What does that even mean? I don’t un­der­stand.
Suit: It means that if you want to take any of the trains on the or­ange line you trans­fer at the next sta­tion like nor­mal, but in­stead of go­ing down­stairs you just wait on that plat­form for the train you want.
Mid­dle-aged woman across aisle: They’re not or­ange line trains. It’s the B, the D, the F and the V. Re­al New York­ers don’t call it the or­ange line.
Suit: Hey, la­dy, fuck you. There, is that New York enough for ya?

–E train ap­proach­ing W 4th St