Archive for the ‘Superheroes’ Category

Wednes­day’s One-Lin­er Sense Is Tin­gling

Black man in Bat­man suit try­ing to get tourists to pay to take pic­tures with him: I got bills! I got bills!

–Times Square

Over­heard by: kpan

Traf­fic cop, mo­tion­ing in vain for car to stop: I guess my pow­ers aren’t work­ing to­day…

–Citi­field, 7 Train En­trance

Teenage girl: I love my physics teacher. He’s like a fat, mid­dle-aged Su­per­man.

–Bard High School, Queens

Over­heard by: Sun­ny

Large man with heavy ac­cent shout­ing in­to cell: Please send somebody–I have just been robbed. (pause) I am on the cor­ner. (pause) What do you mean, “white”? He is a Spi­der­man! He’s wear­ing a Spi­der­man suit!

–Stan­ton & Es­sex

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Will Be Mar­ried to Su­per­mod­els One Day

Nerdy tourist boy look­ing at dis­play: My depth per­cep­tion is yelling at me…

–Mu­se­um of Nat­ur­al His­to­ry

Over­heard by: jules

Piz­za guy on cell: Have a good 4th… What? No, I said to have a good 4th, not “may the force be with you.” (pause) Have a good 4th. (pause) Yeah, have a good 4th, and may the force be with you. Uh- huh. Good night.

–Dekalb & Hall St, Brook­lyn

In­di­an nerd to friends, in the midst of heat­ed de­bate: Dude, vi­t­a­mins are fuck­ing weak!

–Grand Cen­tral Sub­way Plat­form

Over­heard by: djpro­jex­ion

Geek on cell, in line at Com­ic Con: Dude, I’m at the con… It’s like, ten times more awesome…than any­thing awe­some!

–NYC Com­ic Con

Over­heard by: Red­man­Inc

Nerdy guy: Some su­per pow­ers come with im­plied pow­ers. Like the pow­er of flight. You as­sume the pow­er of wind re­sis­tance, be­cause you’d get pret­ty freak­ing cold fly­ing 200 mph. But no one ever thinks of that.

–Ford­ham Law School

Then Go With My Bless­ing, Caped Cru­sad­er

Moth­er of four-year-old boy (look­ing at dis­play case): Wait up for me, Jack. Don’t go on the es­ca­la­tor with­out me.
Four-year-old boy: It’s okay, I can do it.
Moth­er of four-year-old: No, Jack. Wait for me.
Four-year-old boy: It’s okay, mom. I can go up by my­self.
Moth­er of four-year-old: Jack. Don’t go up with­out me.
Four-year-old boy: Mom. It’s okay. I can do it. I’m wear­ing my lucky Bat­man un­der­wear.

–Ma­cy’s

The Six Train’s Your Es­cape Pod to Smal­l­ville

Four-year-old: I wan­na be Su­per­man!
Dad: No, you wan­na be a po­lice of­fi­cer.
Four-year-old: I wan­na be Su­per­man!
Dad: Su­per­man’s not re­al.
Four-year-old: They say I can be what­e­va I want, I wan­na be Su­per­man!
Dad: Oh, I’m sor­ry lil’ man. You Su­per­man.

–6 Train

Over­heard by: Chris K

Mild-Man­nered Wednes­day by Day. One-Lin­er by Night.

Chick on cell: Do you pre­fer the su­per­hero theme to us in on­ly aprons, hold­ing pe­nis cakes?

–Gar­den of Eden Su­per­mar­ket, 107th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: La­dle

White guy to white girl: Wait, you’d be proud to be su­per­manned by me?

–D Train

(at the su­per­hero fash­ion ex­hib­it, in front of Cat­wom­an’s dis­play)
Man to lit­tle kid: Oh, and look! She has a whip. I won­der what that’s for…

–Met­ro­pol­i­tan Mu­se­um of Art

Over­heard by: EK

Black guy on cell: Nig­ga, you can’t be James Bond and Bat­man, you pick which one you are.

–Smith & 9th St, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Ewan Walsh

Girl on cell: Am I gonna need to drug you, put you in a su­per­hero cos­tume, and snap pho­tos?

–Hal­loween Ad­ven­ture Store

Over­heard by: McF

Bat­man to four-year-old who jumped out from be­hind a ta­ble: Evan, don’t sneak up on me. Su­per­heroes are wound very tight.

–Birth­day par­ty, Mu­se­um of Nat­ur­al His­to­ry

Over­heard by: PG

How Do You Get a Fly­er Guy to Shut Up? Dis­cuss

Fly­er guy: Rain­bow room! Dis­count ad­mis­sion! Ob­ser­va­to­ry! Rain­bow room!
(goth chick un­but­tons her shirt)
Fly­er guy: Rain­bow room… Uh…
(goth chick re­veals a Bat­man t‑shirt)
Fly­er guy, re­cov­er­ing: Dis­count ad­mis­sion! Ob­ser­va­to­ry!
Goth chick (in men­ac­ing voice): I’m Bat­man.
Fly­er guy: Rain­bow room! Dis­count ad­mis­sion! Bat­man! We got bat­man in Gotham! Ob­ser­va­to­ry! Rain­bow room! Bat­man! Dis­count ad­mis­sion!

–Rock­e­feller Plaza

Over­heard by: Rose Fox

Wednes­day One-Win­ers

Amazed thugette: You know you ain’t in the hood, ’cause it says “Wine & Spir­its!”

–12th St & 5th Ave

Over­heard by: To­to

Box of­fice em­ploy­ee: I bought this re­al­ly awe­some bot­tle of wine and I was like: “Oh, I’m go­ing to make re­al­ly amaz­ing pas­ta with veg­eta­bles and bul­lets in it and glass and blood and it’ll be fan­tas­tic.” But then I did­n’t.

–Pearl The­atre

Over­heard by: Mari­ah

Mid­dle aged white guy: Yeah, you can get cheap wine in Harlem, but who wants to get a mas­sage there?

–Thai Restau­rant

Bel­liger­ent tod­dler to mom mak­ing pur­chase: That’s not enough wine, mom! That’s not enough wi­i­i­ine!

–In­ter­na­tion­al Wine & Spir­its, 113th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: McF

Hip­ster to his date: It’s like in the old DC Comics. Su­per­man, you know, his weak­ness was Kryp­tonite, but there was­n’t just green Kryp­tonite. In the old DC Comics there was green, red, blue Kryp­tonite, all col­ors of the rain­bow. Green Kryp­tonite killed him, but with the oth­ers, like, blue Kryp­tonite trans­ferred his pow­ers to some­one else or some­thing like that. Red turned him evil. All these dif­fer­ent col­ors of Kryp­tonite had dif­fer­ent prop­er­ties. And that’s how wine is with me. Every glass of wine, I don’t know what I’m go­ing to get… That anal­o­gy was not so great.

–Hope & An­chor Din­er, Red Hook

Over­heard by: AeC