Archive for the ‘Sweat’ Category

The Au Jus Of Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

11 year-old boy throw­ing wa­ter bal­loon back and forth: It’s like a hy­men, per­fect­ly in­tact af­ter a mi­nor rape! (bal­loon is thrown to him and bursts all over him) Oh, sweet hy­men juices!

–Tomp­kins Square Park

Eight-year-old boy to an­oth­er: God, just drink your spit!

–90th St & 2nd Ave

Drunk hobo with hand-down pants: I’m not go­ing to ejac­u­late! (re­peats it over and over)

–D Train

Over­heard by: seat chang­er

Blind woman to blind friend: Sweaty peo­ple suck.

–W 23rd Street

Over­heard by: Cool and Dry

Lit­tle girl: I don’t like boys! They’re mean and they sweat a lot!

–2nd & Ave A

Young girl to boy: Ewwww, I’m drip­ping cum!

–Hes­ter & Allen

Over­heard by: low­er east side

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Eat Boogers

Man on cell: It’s a swollen, pus-filled se­ba­ceous cyst…

–Nathan’s, West 32nd St

Over­heard by: SuzeV

Chick leav­ing Du­ane Reade (ex­pos­ing armpit): Air it out ba­by, air it out!

–Du­ane Reade, 14th & 1st

Over­heard by: Lil­lian

Guy to friends: I’m just gonna rub my shit all over her face. All over!

–96th and Broad­way

Fat girl on cell: Oh my god, se­ri­ous­ly. My mom is *so* nasty when­ev­er we go out to eat some­where. I’m not kid­ding. Like, she is *nev­er* hap­py where we get seat­ed, and she’s like, “This sil­ver­ware is smudgy! This glass has grit in it! The light­ing is aw­ful! The tec­ton­ic plates of this lo­ca­tion are shift­ing, I de­mand a pa­tio ta­ble!” I try to be as nice as I can to the wait staff to make up for her. Se­ri­ous­ly. I’ve seen wait­ing. Please don’t shave your ass­crack hair in­to my food be­cause my mom was a douchenoz­zle.

–jet blue ter­mi­nal, jfk

Over­heard by: now ques­tion­ing my piz­za in­gre­di­ents

Girl on cell: Yeah, you pret­ty much have the same body func­tions when you’re dead as when you’re alive. It’s gross, but I love it.

–Mer­cer b/w 3rd & 4th

Over­heard by: Threw up in my mouth a lit­tle bit

Wednes­day Wears the One-Lin­ers in This Fam­i­ly

South­ern tourist in pink pants: I don’t see any­body else wear­ing pink pants around here!

–73rd & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Har­ri­et Vane

Girl on cell, wear­ing leg­gings and a t‑shirt: Oh, shit, I for­got to put on pants again.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

La­dy in cor­ner stall: Damn, I done sweat­ed through my pants!

–Re­stroom, 1 Lib­er­ty Plaza

Smug girl to gag­gle: No, these are my pe­ri­od pants. My mom washed them for me!

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: bih.

Thug: I’m the on­ly playa in the hood with his pants on his waist!

–10th & Ave B

Over­heard by: Kay­la K

Con­duc­tor over in­ter­com: At­ten­tion, all crew mem­bers! Be sure you have your pants! Hey, Lar­ry, you got yo’ pants?

–Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: Ge­ol­o­gist

Wednes­day Puts on Its One-Lin­ers One Leg at a Time

Ghet­to dude on phone: Do you know what I could do with that mon­ey? I could get a new pair of pants… or maybe get my hair done.

–Broad­way & 86th St

Girl to an­oth­er: I had this teacher in high school who wore the tight­est pants. Camel toe all the time.

–Union Square

Over­heard by: Gi­an­car­lo

An­noy­ing sober 20-some­thing, re­turn­ing from bath­room: God! I’m so sweaty, it made it re­al­ly hard to pull my pants down.

–Din­er, 3rd Ave

Teenage girl to an­oth­er: He came here to do a con­cert. He prob­a­bly does­n’t want to hear you scream, “Take your pants off!”

–Bat­tery Park

How Many Weight Watch­ers Points Are in a Wednes­day One-Lin­er?

NYU JAP on phone to moth­er (en­raged): Ugh, mom! No! Wear­ing sea­son­al­ly in­ap­pro­pri­ate out­er­wear will not make me sweat and lose weight!

–NYU Sil­ver Cen­ter

Over­heard by: Maeve

Woman in line with friend at Du­ane Reade, read­ing can of en­er­gy drink: Wait. There’s carbs in here? Like bread carbs? Carbs are bread, right? Cause when peo­ple go on, like, a low carb di­et, they don’t eat any bread, right? But I still don’t un­der­stand why there’s bread in here. What­ev­er. It does­n’t even taste like bread.

–Du­ane Reade

10-year-old kid to friend: So you’re a year old­er than me, but you’re 20 pounds lighter? That’s fucked up.

–Christo­pher St & Wa­ver­ly Place

Over­heard by: sharknife

Girl: You know how some peo­ple are so­cial drinkers? I’m a so­cial eater.


Over­heard by: nin­ja z

Asian fash­ion­ista: Yeah, I think I’m like a size 12 in boys.

–Conde Nast Build­ing

Over­heard by: jack­at­tack

Loud guy on cell: Ac­tu­al­ly, I can’t be bu­lim­ic any­more be­cause I have no gag re­flex. I’ve been suck­ing too much cock.

–34th & 7th Ave

Over­heard by: Alis

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are His­to­ry, Dude

Guy hold­ing ba­by: I’ve de­cid­ed I’m go­ing to write a pop-up his­to­ry of the an­cient world, based on Herodotus. Should be great for ba­bies.

–Strand Book­store

Amer­i­can his­to­ry tu­tor: The on­ly dic­ta­tor I know of is Hugo Chavez, and that’s be­cause I met him.

–Jake’s Sa­loon, 57th & 10th

Over­heard by: poor kid’s gonna fail that test

Rich mom with two kids: … And it was named af­ter our coun­try’s first pres­i­dent, Christo­pher Colum­bus.

–117th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: does­n’t get colum­bus day off

Guy to friend: If I can make it through the ’80s, I can make it through any­thing.

–As­tor Pl

Over­heard by: squish­duck

Pro­fes­sor: Sigis­mon­do Malat­es­ta was the on­ly per­son in his­to­ry to ever be pub­licly con­signed to Hell by the pope. Now, that’s when a pope was a pope. I wish the pope would just get on TV and say, ‘You’re go­ing to Hell!’

–Ford­ham Uni­ver­si­ty — Rose Hill

Over­heard by: Christi­na

Guy: Wait, have I ever told you guys about my ir­ra­tional fear of the late 1800s?

–NYU dorm

Over­heard by: Dan­i­mal