Archive for the ‘Thanks, Long Island! (Male JAPs)’ Category

Wednes­days Don’t Kill Peo­ple; One-Lin­ers Kill Peo­ple

Large black man on cell phone: They did the deal with the di­a­monds, then the oth­er guy got greedy and shot up the place.

–Union Ave

Over­heard by: Seth Call­away

Teen, look­ing around: Where are we? Are we pur­chas­ing il­le­gal arms?

–Turk­ish Restau­rant, Mon­tague St.

Over­heard by: Mike N

Blonde chick in pink coat, perk­i­ly: … There was no ex­it wound, and no bul­let.

–L train

Over­heard by: La­dle

Girl talk­ing to co-work­er: I live near Wall Street and there are like army men down there with ma­chine guns and it’s scary! How do I know they don’t have Touret­te’s and won’t just start shoot­ing their guns all over the place?!

–41st & 3rd

Old­er suit, calm­ly, to his two fe­male cowork­ers: I’d like to put a gun to his head and say “Nick­ie do the right thing or I will blow your fuck­ing head off.”
[His com­pan­ions nod in un­der­stand­ing.]


Calm Jew­ish fra­ter­ni­ty guy on cell: So, I’m be­ing de­port­ed and draft­ed in­to the Is­raeli army… It’s okay, I’ll name my gun af­ter you!

–NYU Wa­ver­ly Build­ing

And Is Lucky the Lep­rechaun a Pri­ma Don­na in Re­al Life?

(Irish ser­vice el­e­va­tor op­er­a­tor is show­ing new guy the ropes, de­liv­ery Thug walks in)
Op­er­a­tor, with Irish brogue: What’s up?
Thug: 11 C, man. (thug looks at the new guy)
Thug: You new man? Yo, I got­ta ask you a ques­tion, do you drink beer?
New guy: Yup.
Thug: You drink Guin­ness?
New guy: Yeah, some­times.
Thug: Al­right, I got­ta know, is the Guin­ness here dif­fer­ent from the Guin­ness back home?
New guy: I am a Long Is­land Jew.
Thug: Shit, for re­al? I thought every­body who worked here was from Ire­land.
(thug gets off the el­e­va­tor to make de­liv­ery)
Op­er­a­tor: You should’ve asked him if it’s dif­fer­ent buy­ing food in a su­per­mar­ket in­stead of hav­ing to chase and kill it with a spear.

–E 77th St