Guy: …and he had, like, shark teeth! Three fucking rows of them! I swear.
–Fulton & Gold
Archive for the ‘The Bronx’ Category
Not Sure You Avoid That with the “I Heart NY” Shirt, Though
Chick: Would it have been okay if I’d worn my shirt with a zebra on it today, or would that be like wearing a band shirt to a concert?
Dude: Yeah, that’s exactly how it would be. Like, it’s okay if you wear the opening band’s shirt, but not the headliner. If you wore your zebra shirt, we would’ve had to skip the zebras.
Chick: You’re right, I would have looked sooo groupie.
–Bronx Zoo
Overheard by: Sromeo
Stop Me If You've Heard This One
Gangsta to friend: Yeah, so, she started jerkin' him off and instead of cum, man, it was blood!
Friend: Oh shit, nigga!
Gangsta: And then she got one of those knife sharpeners.
Friend: Fuck!
–189th & Belmont
Wednesday One-Liners Take Me Out
Drunk guy: Jesus Christ! My Grandma catches better than you! And she can’t even speak English! Or is alive!
–Yankee Stadium
Overheard by: Renee B.
If Everybody You Meet Is a Wednesday One-Liner, Check the Mirror
Guy to friend: Yeah, Eric's an asshole, but he's like… my asshole.
–11th & Broadway
Overheard by: Z
Man on cell: I enjoy sucking the wind out of assholes.
–Brooklyn Public House
Overheard by: In fairness, the conversation was about verbal bullies
Girl: Wow, my asshole has just been all sorts of evil all day, I shat in four different bathrooms on this floor and the one up, so I wouldn't suffer alone. I shared its wrath. Is that wrong?
–Office, Midtown
Loud dude: My asshole is really fucking itchy!
–Bronx High School of Science
Overheard by: urbanadventurer
Crazy hobo: Attention everyone! You're all assholes! Stupid assholes!!
–Park Row, near Brooklyn Bridge
Overheard by: Hollister
It’s Pronounced ‘Dumas’
Boy: Oh man, my foot really hurts.
Mom: Well maybe if you weren’t such a dumbass it would get better.
–Columbus & 5th
I Could Build a Casino, Then Rob It
Thug: So, if I’m half black and half American Indian, that makes me Puerto Rico.
Thugette: I told you that you was Puerto Rican.
–149th & 3rd, Bronx
Headline by: Mariya
Runners-Up:
· “Actually, it makes you unemployed” – Mr. Bone
· “Bitch, don’t be callin’ me no adjectival form!” – was “rico”/”rican” the first thing you noticed too?
· “Dora the Explorer: South Bronx Edition” – Scott
· “Runs With Hookers didn’t excel in Ethnic Studies” – bri b
· “The new theory of relativity” – sara swank
At Least Wednesday One-Liners Are Pretty
Girl to friend: I wonder what’s the difference between hard tacos and soft tacos.
–Line at Taco Bell, Queens Mall Food Court
Overheard by: NTA
Guy talking to his friend: I don’t believe there is a first time for everything, but I do think there is a first time for anything.
–2nd St & Ave B
Overheard by: Max Berlinger
Girl on cell in hallway: She told me to get bacterial soap.
–Fordham University, Rose Hill
Overheard by: Krisztina ,who uses anti-bacterial
Subway comedian: My wife is so stupid. I told her to take the 2 train, she took the 1 twice. [Awkward silence follows. Comedian proceeds to dance around a subway pole pretending to be a stripper.]
–1 Train
Overheard by: Subway rider
Guy on cell: Dude, you’ve got to stop doing this "living paycheck to paycheck" thing because every time you get a check it’s like an emotional highway.
–Columbia University Campus
Overheard by: Alina
College girl, after closing a Nutella jar: I solved it! I solved the puzzle!
–Broome St
Overheard by: YJL
Because People Who Are Good at Math Are Always the Slowest to Catch On
Student #1: How could you throw a ball 520 meters? That's like half a mile!
Student #2 (from back of room): You know what else is half a mile?
(students all laugh)
Teacher: What? How come everyone got it except for me?
–Bronx HS of Science
Overheard by: Lillian
If You Don’t Get It, Ask an Appeaser
Professor lady: What is your favorite fruit?
Girl #1: J’aime manger les pommes.
Girl #2: Isn’t the rule if it grows underground it’s a vegetable?
–Fordham University, Rose Hill