Male lawyer #1: I’m reading this book that says Hitler’s grandfather was probably a Jewish guy his grandmother worked for as a housemaid.
Female lawyer: Can you imagine how that guy must feel, knowing that he produced Hitler?
Male lawyer #2: I think Hitler would feel worse.
Male lawyer #1: Who gives a shit how Hitler feels?
–Supreme Court, 851 Grand Concourse, Bronx
Overheard by: Big Larry
Young black guy #1: Being a lawyer is a no-brain job. They don’t have to know nothing about nothing. Just stand there.
Young black guy #2: Yeah, but I’d like to be a lawyer. I don’t want to go to court or nothing, just have the title.
Young black guy #1: Most lawyers are worse than the criminals they defend.
Young black guy #2: So, what’s happening with your case?
Young black guy #1: It’s getting dismissed, or I’m pleading guilty or something.
Young black guy #2: Yeah?
Young black guy #1: God rest Johnnie Cochran’s soul.
–Food Court, Concourse Plaza, Bronx
Overheard by: Lawyer
Professor: So what do we know about these debt notes?” (silence) So what do *I* know about these debt notes, that obviously you don’t know?
–NYU Law School
Overheard by: Ames
Professor: My favorite words to hear are “just do nothing.” My second favorites are “open bar.”
–College of Mount Saint Vincent, Bronx
Environmental history professor: Look at some of the items on this menu from a hotel of Chicago Thanksgiving dinner from 1872: loin of buffalo, antelope steak in mushroom sauce, ham of bear, black tail deer, leg of mountain sheep, buffalo tongue… Miss Palin, your table is ready.
–Classroom, Fordham University
Overheard by: Martin Van Nostrand
Linguistics professor, about Spanish-speaking families who live in Spanish-speaking neighborhoods: The only English these people hear is from their landlords and social workers.
–NYU Silver Center
Overheard by: Latka Hero
NYU professor: So we’re going to be walking, and you’ll notice I walk pretty fast. But we’re in New York, and you’re supposed to walk like you know exactly where you’re going in life and nothing is in your way. Because if you slow down you’ll get mugged. (beat) It’s dog eat dog, people.
–NYU Classroom
Russian literature professor: Oh my god, you just totally missed the point of Jesus!
–NYU Classroom
Librarian: You’ll have to go to Bronx Library Center for that.
Geography wizard: Is that in Manhattan?
–Van Nest Library, The Bronx
Girl to friend: I wonder what’s the difference between hard tacos and soft tacos.
–Line at Taco Bell, Queens Mall Food Court
Overheard by: NTA
Guy talking to his friend: I don’t believe there is a first time for everything, but I do think there is a first time for anything.
–2nd St & Ave B
Overheard by: Max Berlinger
Girl on cell in hallway: She told me to get bacterial soap.
–Fordham University, Rose Hill
Overheard by: Krisztina ‚who uses anti-bacterial
Subway comedian: My wife is so stupid. I told her to take the 2 train, she took the 1 twice. [Awkward silence follows. Comedian proceeds to dance around a subway pole pretending to be a stripper.]
–1 Train
Overheard by: Subway rider
Guy on cell: Dude, you’ve got to stop doing this “living paycheck to paycheck” thing because every time you get a check it’s like an emotional highway.
–Columbia University Campus
Overheard by: Alina
College girl, after closing a Nutella jar: I solved it! I solved the puzzle!
–Broome St
Overheard by: YJL
Girl to no one in particular: I want to have sexual intercourse with you.
Friend: Sexual intercourse sounds like they want to put their balls inside your vagina too.
–172 St & Jerome
Overheard by: Emm
Suit on phone: I don’t think she knows. (pause) But it’s just a night job! (pause) No, there’s no way I’m pregnant. (pause) Why not?! Because I’m a man, goddammit!
–Starbucks
Woman on cell: So remember that time I thought I had that miscarriage?
–Grand Concourse & Fordham Road
Overheard by: Erica S
Slightly overweight girl: Thank you for the offer, sweetie, but I’m not pregnant. I’m just fat!
–M100 Bus
Overheard by: Tinathetiny
Tall girl on cell: No way! I thought *you* were going to impregnate *me*. I wanna have *your* children.
–Prince & Broadway
Overheard by: Ken Paprocki
Old man: I like your outfit.
Old woman: Thanks, I wore it at a funeral last night.
–Morris Park
Overheard by: Lon Steinberg
Drunk Guy: That girl’s tits are huge! And it’s snowing!
–Fordham
A man on a tandem bicycle turns to the woman on it and says: You know, it’s remarkable just how much like weddings funerals actually are.
–Varick Street
Overheard by: Sparkle Shortz
Lady #1: What are you looking at?
Lady #2: Hand sanitizer.
Lady #1: Don’t get that shit. It’s so overrated.
–Target, Bronx
Overheard by: Jas & Jess
Hat Tip 🎩 to The Marketing Scientist
