Archive for the ‘Theater’ Category

The Sum Of All Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Woman on cell: And when my broth­er got near him, his poop came out. That’s how scared he was.

–107th & Broad­way

Woman on cell: So yeah, they are re­al­ly scary, like if you walk in the house they will bark re­al­ly loud, and that’s to­tal­ly worse than them bit­ing you.

–Ma­jes­tic The­ater

Girl on cell: I went in for ge­net­ic coun­sel­ing and I found out things that scared me.

–10th Ave & 39th St

Over­heard by: Todd Fletch­er

Girl on cell: No, you can’t go! I’m too stoned and too scared. Just stay on the phone with me, please.

–Su­per­mar­ket, As­to­ria

Con­duc­tor: Nev­er fear! The phan­tom of the train is here!

–7 Train

Over­heard by: Alex

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers for Cele­bre­tards

Young black guy to an­oth­er: You know, Oba­ma is to pol­i­tics what Richard Sim­mons is to ex­er­cise.

–PATH Train

Guy stand­ing out­side bar: And she was like, “What, like Gary Cole­man?” and I’m like, “No, not like fuck­ing Gary Cole­man!”

–4th & 10th

Girl to boyfriend: Well, Tom Green on­ly had one tes­ti­cle. It’s to­tal­ly fine.

–E 11th St

Over­heard by: j

Suit on cell: And I was like, “Fuck you, Ryan Cabr­era”!

–Bed­ford & 6th St

Black girl on cell: I told you, we’re like the Paris Hiltons of Liberia.

–Bor­ders, Wall St

Over­heard by: step

Guy (af­ter tak­ing pic­ture with Je­re­my Piv­en): Damn! I can’t put this on My­Space. I’m wear­ing the same shirt I wore when I met Chazz Palminteri!

–Out­side Bar­ry­more The­atre

Over­heard by: Pasta…Salad

The On­ly Thing That Could Make Rent Bear­able.

Rent­head #1: He was­n’t *that* bad as Roger.
Rent­head #2: Weren’t you drunk last time you saw him?
Rent­head #1: Yeah. That’s prob­a­bly why. When I’m drunk I’m more like “Oh, his hair’s shiny,” rather than “Wow, he has no emo­tion.“
Rent­head #2: His hair is shiny. (pause) Next time he’s on as Roger, let’s get drunk.

–Ned­er­lan­der The­atre

Though I’d Rather Hei­di Klum Woke Me Up

Wife: I think we might need a stiff drink af­ter this.
Hus­band: (does­n’t re­spond)
Wife: It’s sup­posed to be sad.
Hus­band: I think I want to take a nap now.
Wife: Do you want me to wake you up when the show starts?
Hus­band: (grunts)
Wife: Was that a yes or a no?
Hus­band: Yes.

–Cher­ry Lane The­atre

Over­heard by: Emi­ly B.