Archive for the ‘Thievery’ Category

Night Train, Thun­der­bird and Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Crazy hobo with gui­tar to stranger: Damn… you in­vit­ed a lot of peo­ple.

–1 Train

Hobo to young mar­ried cou­ple: I have found the promised land. Se­ri­ous­ly. I’d get a plane tick­et right now, but it’d be cheap­er to go to con­fes­sion for a week and then get hit by a bus. Re­mind me to tell you about this lat­er.

–Times Square

Over­heard by: Oliv­er

Grimy hobo: Hey, do you guys have any change? Hey, do you guys have any change?
(20-some­thing girl walks past him, with busi­ness­man a few steps be­hind) Hey, do you guys want to have sex? Uh, I mean…

–W 3rd & Thomp­son

Hobo, tak­ing do­na­tions to help the home­less, count­ing coins: 25…50…60… (grabs fist­ful of coins sticks in pock­et) Tax re­bate!

–Union Square

Where They Make Us Take a Re­fresh­er Course on Eth­nic Stereo­types Bian­nu­al­ly

Mus­cu­lar mook with sweet trib­al tat­too, dri­ving Toy­ota Tun­dra, yelling on cell: Some­one stole my fuck­ing knap­sack! It had my fuck­ing Mer­ril­l’s. My Sper­ry’s. If I see some­one wear­ing Sper­ry’s, I will fuck­ing crush them.
Tajik­istani cab dri­ver: That is the bad kind of Ital­ian. I should know, I live in Bay Ridge.

–53rd & 9th Ave

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Call It “Ex­treme Shar­ing”

20-some­thing hip­ster to friend, punch­ing him in the arm: Dude, you stole my Face­book sta­tus!

–Cen­tral Park

Over­heard by: dude, just think up a new one!

Ca­ble man to an­oth­er, stand­ing in line at Wendy’s: Yeah, I was across the street at Popeyes, but it looked like some man was go­ing to rob the place, so I came here in­stead.

–Flat­bush & Ocean Park­way, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: An­na

Crazy la­dy to pi­geon: Get out­ta here! You ain’t gonna get none if you beg. You got­ta wait for me to give it to you. (throws bread in oth­er di­rec­tion) That’s why you ain’t get none. (a few min­utes lat­er, she gets up to leave) Al­right. It’s been re­al. Thank for not steal­ing my pota­to chips.

–Tribeca Park

Four-year-old boy to mom: Mom, when you take chips from my bag with­out ask­ing, you’re steal­ing. We talked about this. We talked about this at length.

–Up­town 3 Train

Over­heard by: This girl from NY

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Ain’t Got the Mon­ey, Hon­ey

Old­er man, to no one in par­tic­u­lar: That’s why I keep my in­come low, so no one jumps me.

–Myr­tle & Clin­ton, Brook­lyn

Woman with scratch-off lot­to card to friend: I won four dol­lars! I won four dol­lars! You know I can’t spend that, though. I got­ta get food for my kids. Those nig­gas be hun­gry!

–Stat­en Is­land Fer­ry

An­gel­ic-look­ing teen girl scream­ing in­to cell: Are you com­ing to the movies with me? You’re broke? Just mug some­one on the way. Mug some­one! (pause) Mug! M‑u-g! Rhymes with “thug”!

–Cham­bers & West St

Puer­to Ri­can dude on cell: I ain’t got no mon­ey. I got weed, but I ain’t got no mon­ey.

–25th St & 7th Ave

Vil­lage la­dy: She was in fore­clo­sure be­fore it was fash­ion­able to be in fore­clo­sure.

–Bleeck­er & Mer­cer

Hey, Mind If I Take Your Wal­let?

Ema­ci­at­ed goth/punk guy: Hey, do you know where a CVS is?
Passer­by suit: I don’t know what that is…
Passer­by prep­py girl: Are you look­ing for a CVS?
Ema­ci­at­ed goth/punk guy: Yes!
Prep­py girl: Well, there’s a Du­ane Reade right there, it’s like, the same thing.
Ema­ci­at­ed goth/punk guy, mat­ter-of-fact­ly: I know, it’s just im­pos­si­ble to steal from Du­ane Reade.
Prep­py girl: Oh.
Ema­ci­at­ed goth/punk guy: I’m re­al­ly poor.
Prep­py girl: Okay.
Ema­ci­at­ed goth/punk guy, cheer­ful: Thanks any­way!
Prep­py girl, al­so cheer­ful: You’re wel­come!

–Colum­bus Cir­cle

Over­heard by: Han­nah

Wednes­days Don’t Kill Peo­ple; One-Lin­ers Kill Peo­ple

Large black man on cell phone: They did the deal with the di­a­monds, then the oth­er guy got greedy and shot up the place.

–Union Ave

Over­heard by: Seth Call­away

Teen, look­ing around: Where are we? Are we pur­chas­ing il­le­gal arms?

–Turk­ish Restau­rant, Mon­tague St.

Over­heard by: Mike N

Blonde chick in pink coat, perk­i­ly: … There was no ex­it wound, and no bul­let.

–L train

Over­heard by: La­dle

Girl talk­ing to co-work­er: I live near Wall Street and there are like army men down there with ma­chine guns and it’s scary! How do I know they don’t have Touret­te’s and won’t just start shoot­ing their guns all over the place?!

–41st & 3rd

Old­er suit, calm­ly, to his two fe­male cowork­ers: I’d like to put a gun to his head and say “Nick­ie do the right thing or I will blow your fuck­ing head off.”
[His com­pan­ions nod in un­der­stand­ing.]

–Star­bucks

Calm Jew­ish fra­ter­ni­ty guy on cell: So, I’m be­ing de­port­ed and draft­ed in­to the Is­raeli army… It’s okay, I’ll name my gun af­ter you!

–NYU Wa­ver­ly Build­ing