Chick: We could liquor him up and steal his soul.
Guy: Why would we want his soul?
Chick: Because black is the new black.
–140th & Broadway
Archive for the ‘Thievery’ Category
Mr. Kent, Are You Not in Fact the Man of Steal?
Man on phone: I didn’t steal it, I took it! I don’t steal!
–Avenue of the Americas
Overheard by: Kit
That’s How I Got Her
Little girl walks by with her mother.
Hipster chick to friend: Oh my god, she’s so adorable! I just want to steal her!
Mother, turning around: Thank you.
–Union Square
Presenting 2007’s Least-Reassuring Reassurance
Hobo: Yo, can I get a cigarette? [Girl hands him one.] Can I get a light? Don’t worry, I’m not going to mug you — it’s too cold for that shit.
–90th & 1st
Wednesday One-Liners Call It “Extreme Sharing”
20-something hipster to friend, punching him in the arm: Dude, you stole my Facebook status!
–Central Park
Overheard by: dude, just think up a new one!
Cable man to another, standing in line at Wendy's: Yeah, I was across the street at Popeyes, but it looked like some man was going to rob the place, so I came here instead.
–Flatbush & Ocean Parkway, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Anna
Crazy lady to pigeon: Get outta here! You ain't gonna get none if you beg. You gotta wait for me to give it to you. (throws bread in other direction) That's why you ain't get none. (a few minutes later, she gets up to leave) Alright. It's been real. Thank for not stealing my potato chips.
–Tribeca Park
Four-year-old boy to mom: Mom, when you take chips from my bag without asking, you're stealing. We talked about this. We talked about this at length.
–Uptown 3 Train
Overheard by: This girl from NY
Toucha Toucha Toucha Touch Wednesday One-Liners, They Want to Be Dirty
Hipster girl: …so then he was like, “Hi, remember me? I jumped you on the bridge three years ago!”
–Union Square
Overheard by: Gamoid
Girl: There are so many hands on me right now.
–1 train, Lincoln Center
Girl on cell: So, I fell asleep on the bus the other day, and when I woke up, the guy next to me had his hand between my legs.
–BX 12 bus
Guy in wifebeater: Nah…Nah…That ain’t rape. That definitely ain’t rape.
–W. Broadway & Spring
Teen girl: What did I do this summer? I got fingered on a train, that’s what. Fucking bitches.
–Union Square
Overheard by: Vicksburg
Dude on cell: I mean, I put her in some funny positions, but you must know her better by now…Hello?
–4th St & 6th Ave
Hipster girl to hipster guy: I’m really glad I ran into you! Maybe we could hump on this train too?
–Q train, Canal St
Overheard by: mike C.
Wednesday One-Liner: The World's Oldest Profession
Older, dirty-looking hobo: Hey, spare me some change, all I want tonight is a hooker and some malt liquor.
–Ave A & 4th St
20-something girl: Seriously! There is nothing better after a stressful day than stealing a car, picking up a hooker, taking her to the beach, fucking her, killing her, getting your money back and not getting arrested. Nothing!
–Underhill & St. Mark's, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Claire H.
Young woman to boss: If you don't give me more hours, I'mma have to start sellin' my pussy!
–Chelsea
Overheard by: Holly
Subway musician in drag the night before Valentine's Day: Be with the one you love! If you don't have anyone, then hire somebody! And keep your receipt!
–Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Morning Glory
Musician on train platform: Everything gonna be alright! Get home safe, New York. Remember: if you see something, say something, don't keep it to yourself. And remember, New York, if you can't be with the one you love, pay someone! Keep all the receipts. I know what I'm talking about.
–B Train
Overheard by: Free Love
I’m Only Classy When Lit
Guy: During the blackout we were over there stealing beers from that convenience store.
–8th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Stacy Katz
Wednesdays Don’t Kill People; One-Liners Kill People
Large black man on cell phone: They did the deal with the diamonds, then the other guy got greedy and shot up the place.
–Union Ave
Overheard by: Seth Callaway
Teen, looking around: Where are we? Are we purchasing illegal arms?
–Turkish Restaurant, Montague St.
Overheard by: Mike N
Blonde chick in pink coat, perkily: … There was no exit wound, and no bullet.
–L train
Overheard by: Ladle
Girl talking to co-worker: I live near Wall Street and there are like army men down there with machine guns and it’s scary! How do I know they don’t have Tourette’s and won’t just start shooting their guns all over the place?!
–41st & 3rd
Older suit, calmly, to his two female coworkers: I’d like to put a gun to his head and say "Nickie do the right thing or I will blow your fucking head off."
[His companions nod in understanding.]
–Starbucks
Calm Jewish fraternity guy on cell: So, I’m being deported and drafted into the Israeli army… It’s okay, I’ll name my gun after you!
–NYU Waverly Building
…Once I Get It Back from What's-Her-Name on the Fourth Floor.
Girl: So I don't steal from privately owned places and shit, I steal from like CVS.
Guy: The funniest thing I ever stole was a five-dollar finger vibrator.
Girl, excited: Did it work?
Guy: Yeah, it was the shit! You can borrow it anytime.
–NYU Dorm
Overheard by: Mika