Archive for the ‘Threats’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Run This City

Conductor: Attention! You’ve boarded the ghetto express. Next stop, Deep Ghetto. If you’re trying to go to any of the Ghetto Light areas, please transfer at this stop for the Ghetto Local. Thank you!

–5 train, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Silvy

Conductor: This is Fifth Avenue. Transfer here for… Aw, hell, there ain’t no transfer here. Get in the damn train.

–E train from JFK, around 5th Ave

Overheard by: ntrprnr

Conductor: Okay everyone, we’re going to evacuate the train now. Just stay calm. This isn’t the Titanic. I repeat, this is not the Titanic.

–Acela, to NYC

Overheard by: The Titanic was on-time

Conductor: Board the train so the doors can close. [Girls slowly shuffle around doors.] You must physically board the train to ride. The platform does not move.

–LIRR

Overheard by: NCtransplantGirl

Conductor, very politely: Ladies and gentlemen, please stand clear of the closing doors so this train can leave the station. Thank you. [Later, not as politely] Sir, maybe the fact that you have to hold on to the outside of the car to stay inside is a sign that you should wait for the next train!

–Crowded Bronx-bound 6 train

Overheard by: Chris

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, I don’t really care if we pull up to the station and your car door doesn’t open. If you don’t listen, I don’t really care. Not my problem anymore, folks! I said it once and I ain’t saying it again!

–LIRR, Jamaica station

Overheard by: commuter

Conductor: Y’all, these suckahs gon’ be on this train for hours!

–1 train

Omagah, It’s Wednesday One-Liners!

Gay man with a completely serious tone: It is going to take a lot of brownie mix and a lot of sex -but I am committed.

–W 52nd & 9th

Overheard by: I wish I knew what they were speaking about

Queer: Well kids, it’s been great, but I gotta go. I have a meeting in a little bit and I want to masturbate first.

–Wagner College Dinning Hall

Queer: Anyone can just leave. It takes a true queen to make an exit.

–Christopher Street

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Queer: And then I was so glad I miscarried because getting knocked up and being pregnant is like, such a hassle!

–Sarah Lawrence College

Overheard by: bitterfame

Gay guy on cell: So wait, you got kicked out because a couple of bitchy fags sprayed you with alcohol?

–23rd & 7th

Black queer: My pillow is Gucci! Raaaaaah! [He beings to attack people with said Gucci pillow.]

–Pillow Fight, Union Square

Overheard by: Lillian

Old large gay man to group of young gays: It was really great meeting you all. You are such an interesting group of people. [To one boy.] I’d love to see you in a speedo!

–Hollywood Diner, 17th St & 6th Ave

Wednesday One-Liners Are Friends With Tom

Geeky boy: I think I’m having trouble meeting people online because my MySpace page is so intimidating.
Goth girls: [Silence.]

–Eileen’s Cheesecake

Girl: Hey, why didn’t you Friendster me on MySpace yet?

–46th & 6th

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

Girl departing with friend: MySpace-message me when you get your new phone! But I’m sure I’ll see you before then.

–Hunter College

Overheard by: acep

Nerd: So I broke up with her by changing my MySpace status from ‘In a relationship’ to ‘Single.’

–Starbucks, Astor Place

Overheard by: Adrienne

Ghetto boy: Where the fuck has he been? Fuck. I’m going to hunt that nigger down on MySpace.

–Wendy’s, 23rd St

Guido in car full of guidos, taking girl’s picture with cell: Hey, girl! Didn’t I see you on MySpace last night?

–Hughes Ave & Fordham Rd

Overheard by: Greg

Skinny girl on cell: What? I’m sorry! Listen, you asked! That’s what happens when you bend over and you aren’t wearing underwear: your pussy definitely ends up on MySpace.

–65th & Lex

For Emily, Wherever This Quote May Find Her

Guy on cell talking loudly: Where the fuck are you, Emily? (pause) Are you shopping? Don't lie to me, Emily! I will come over there and fucking beat the dogshit out of you. (pause) I don't care if I go to jail, it will be worth it to slap your lying ass around. (pause) You don't buy me shit, Emily. Do you buy me my underwear? No! Do you buy me socks? No! I do. What about all those purses and shoes you have? Me!
Random Dominican teenage girl: Damn, Emily really don't buy him nothing.

–Lucky Star Bus

Overheard by: chinatown bus traveler