Kid #1, bouncing basketball on the sidewalk: Jesus was like: “Go back to earth and suffer… Or your ass is going to hell.”
Kid #2: Yeah…
–Bushwick Ave & Meserole St, East Williamsburg
Archive for the ‘Threats’ Category
When Rabbits Threaten Blackmail.
Girl #1: I will kill all of your firstborns!
Girl #2: All of them?
–Megabus, Penn Station
Overheard by: Lisa
Now Cover Your Eyes While I Disintegrate That Nice Waitress
Little boy: But how do I know you’re not part of the Martian menace?
Dad, deadpan: You don’t.
–110th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Alexandra
WOLing Me Softly
Grandma to kid: It’s really hard to kill people, you know.
–West Village
(20-something sits down and stretches his arms out in a yawn)
Man sitting one seat away: If you touch my leg I’ll kill you.
–1 Train
Middle-aged beefcake on phone: Oh yeah? Well he’s not trying anymore because he’s dead.
–42nd & Lex
Overheard by: bildita
Suit on cell: He was a great guy, until he decided to kill someone.
–Smith & Wollensky
Loud woman on payphone (very angrily): Well what the fuck am I supposed to do with her? Mausoleum? What? What the fuck?
–96th & Madison
Overheard by: grateful undead
Seven-year-old black boy: I’m goin’ to Iraq, to kill Obama!
–125th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: The Drummey
Wednesday One-Liners Are Working on a Perfume Line
Flustered suit pacing along street: Just letting you know I got a FedEx from Bruce Willis, I guess he finally decided to pay his bills. –84th St Overheard by: mikaela Man to dinner companion: So did you know Mia Farrow is doing a hunger strike? Because of what's happening in Darfur? I hope she dies. –Red Bamboo, West Village Transvestite: Damn, that girl looks like Brooke Shields. Damn, that white girl in the blue shoes looks like Brooke Shields. –4 Train Man giving out Metro newspaper: Metro! Metro! Whoooeee, baby, you looking like Jennifer Lopez! Metro! –7 Train Suit on cell: If he does it again I am going to get all Chuck Woolery on his ass! –Gold St
Exactly How Steve Carell Felt About Evan Almighty
Stoner guy, as it begins to rain: Dude, what is this shit?
Other guy: Um, rain?
Stoner guy: … Man, I got a bad feeling about this…
–Broadway & Bleecker
J. Lo. and Puffy's Unfinished Life Together
Black guy with bags, bumping into Hispanic woman: Don't gimme that look, not my fault, not my fuckin' fault! (Hispanic woman just glares) Look at me again and I'll fuck you in the ass! –53rd St & 5th Ave
Nature: 2 Nurture: 0
Little boy #1: You’re afraid to talk to girls!
Little boy #2 (very solemnly): Because they’re monsters.
–56th & 8th
Overheard by: Cori
He’d Better Get the Lube Out of the Barrel First
Queer: Could you deliver these?
Attendant guy #1: What’s the address?
Attendant guy #2: He lives [at 985 5th Avenue].
Queer: How do you know that?
Attendant guy #1: This is my friend the stalker.
Attendant guy #2: I have a friend who lives there, so I’ve seen you walking in and out.
Queer: Well, the guy who lives above me has a license to carry a gun, and he always does…I have his number on my speed dial.
–Montague Wines, Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: Da rat
Is This Your Vast Feminist Conspiracy Theory Again?
Emotional suit: My shrink said I’m dragging my feet to test my wife.
Supportive suit: He could be right.
Emotional suit: No, it’s a woman.
Supportive suit: Oh no! She is manipulating your ass.
–3 Train
Overheard by: EmLo