Archive for the ‘Time’ Category

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are An­oth­er Year Old­er but None the Wis­er

20-some­thing: I did­n’t even re­al­ize it was my birth­day un­til I checked Face­book!

–Up­per West Side

Over­heard by: mtraine­ti­quette

Girl to friend: We should cel­e­brate tonight–it’s my half birth­day in 10 days.

–Croc­o­dile Lounge, E 14th St

Tourist: See no­body is wear­ing birth­day scars…

–34th St & 5th Ave

Guy to girl: Wait, did you re­al­ly be­lieve I was go­ing to get you a Hel­lo Kit­ty vi­bra­tor for your birth­day?

–45th & 8th

Drunk girl to hobo: It’s my birth­day! You should be giv­ing *me* mon­ey!

–111 & Broad­way

Don’t Talk With Your Mouth Full

Mid­dle-Aged man: I hope we don’t get caught.
Pros­ti­tute: Don’t wor­ry, I nev­er have.

–81st & Am­s­ter­dam
Head­line by: Sean

Run­ners-Up:
· “…Not Once in My Ten Years on the Force.” — In­g­wall
· “Any Ex­tra Charge For the Lip Ser­vice?” — Hobo Whis­per­er
· “He Was Look­ing For, ”Cause Then We’d Have to Be Pun­ished…’ ” — alex
· “I’ve Got My Lucky Con­dom” — Sheri
· “Is Hugh Grant Con­sid­ered ‘Mid­dle-Aged’?” — Matthew McGuirl
· “My Par­ents Will Be Home in an Hour” — Lois
· “Skip the Con­dom. She’s Been Test­ed, Too” — Andy Adele­witz
· “Take Your Fa­ther to Work Day” — Sean Mc Grath

Hon­or­able men­tions:
· “Charge Me If You Can” — petch
· “If You Can’t Beat ‘Em (in Pub­lic)” — Heather
· “They Were Talk­ing About Their Braces.” — Al­li­son

Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test

Much Like the Con­tin­ued Pop­u­lar­i­ty of Walk­er: Texas Ranger

Drunk guy to laugh­ing Asian: There is no the­o­ry of evolution–only a list of an­i­mals Chuck Nor­ris al­lows to live.
Girl­friend: Babe, no more Chuck Nor­ris, please!
Drunk guy: But Chuck Nor…
Girl­friend: No, give me one good rea­son you should talk about Chuck Nor­ris.
Drunk guy (with­out hes­i­ta­tion): Cause god want­ed 10 days to cre­ate the world, and Chuck Nor­ris on­ly gave him 6, do you want an 8‑day work week? Huh?
Girl­friend to friend: How did I just lose this ar­gu­ment?
Friend: Yeah, that was un­ex­pect­ed.

–Zanz­ibar Bar

Over­heard by: Wish i was chuck nor­ris

And It’ll Be a Lot More Fun Now That I Can Ac­tu­al­ly Hold My Liquor!

Girl #1: Re­al New York­ers hate LA. I’m sure I’d hate it if I had to live there.
Girl #2: Yeah, la’s ter­ri­ble. I would­n’t mind liv­ing in San Fran­cis­co, though, be­cause I was bap­tized there.
Girl #3: I don’t know, LA’s kind of fun for like a year.
Girl #1: When did you live there?
Girl #3: Third grade.

–LIRR

Over­heard by: bun­bury

Noth­ing Says Healthy Re­la­tion­ship Like Self-Loathing

Ja­maican girl: You know what I think about a lot? I think I must have been white in my past life, but I must have done some­thing re­al­ly, re­al­ly hor­ri­ble to get stuck in this black body.
Boyfriend: Jeez, you do think about that a lot.
Ja­maican girl: Oh, not 90 per­cent of the time. Just 10 per­cent.

–Sub­way to Archer Ave

Over­heard by: Just a girl

And Now You Ex­pect Me to Walk??

Girl­friend, ex­it­ing cafe: I told you you should have googled this place be­fore we drove all the way here!
Boyfriend: I’m sor­ry. Let’s just go in­to the city! Bars are open un­til five there!
Girl­friend: You could­n’t en­ter­tain me in Brook­lyn for half an hour. What are you go­ing to do with me in the city un­til five?
Boyfriend: Walk up and down the city streets!

–Bed­ford Ave & 6th St