Small Jewish woman on the phone: Hey, so sorry, I’m running late. I’m just leaving my house now. I woke up with a horrible cold…
Post office worker: Miss?
Small Jewish woman on the phone: Oh wait… It’s my turn… I’m actually in line at the post office… Oh and when I see you, absolutely no hugs, I am very contagious!
–Post Office, London Terrace
Overheard by: wish I had a bottle of purel
Teen girl: It’s just… Even though he was fat, I liked him because of his personality. But once I actually saw his penis, or more like lack of a penis, that was just the last straw. I mean, you can be kinda fat with an awesome personality, but you’ve gotta have a good-sized dick, y’know?
Friend: Wait, you didn’t know he had a small dick until last week?!
–56th & 3rd
Overheard by: samantha
Girl #1: Again? That’s twice this week.
Girl #2: Yeah, I really think I am a nymphomaniac.
–3rd Ave & 60th St
Professor: Have a good weekend! [Pause] What day is today?
Students: Monday.
Professor: Shit!
–NYU
Red-haired hipster: Yeah, I haven’t bathed myself in a week, so today I took a shower.
Hipster chick: Yeah, last time I took a shower was on Christmas Eve. I guess I should bathe.
–L Train
Overheard by: every day bather
Headline by: antigoth
Runners-Up:
· “God, I Hope This Was Overheard on Christmas Day” — Vasyl
· “Jesus Would Want It That Way” — Nick Turner
· “On the Plus Side, I’ve Driven All Of the Roaches Out Of My Apartment” — Kelly
· “Robert Pattinson’s Dream Girls” — John
· “Smells Like.… Teen Spirit?” — rose
· “Wait, Do Golden Showers Count?” — Trey Jackson
· “Why Is There an Echo on This Train?” — Scott Easton
· “Why You Never See Hipster Babies…” — Ray
20-something: I didn’t even realize it was my birthday until I checked Facebook!
–Upper West Side
Overheard by: mtrainetiquette
Girl to friend: We should celebrate tonight–it’s my half birthday in 10 days.
–Crocodile Lounge, E 14th St
Tourist: See nobody is wearing birthday scars…
–34th St & 5th Ave
Guy to girl: Wait, did you really believe I was going to get you a Hello Kitty vibrator for your birthday?
–45th & 8th
Drunk girl to hobo: It’s my birthday! You should be giving *me* money!
–111 & Broadway
Seven-year-old: I want to take a year off.
Dad: You are not taking a year off.
Seven-year-old: But I want to party.
Dad: You cannot take a year off to party!
–83rd & Park
Middle-Aged man: I hope we don’t get caught.
Prostitute: Don’t worry, I never have.
–81st & Amsterdam
Headline by: Sean
Runners-Up:
· “…Not Once in My Ten Years on the Force.” — Ingwall
· “Any Extra Charge For the Lip Service?” — Hobo Whisperer
· “He Was Looking For, ”Cause Then We’d Have to Be Punished…’ ” — alex
· “I’ve Got My Lucky Condom” — Sheri
· “Is Hugh Grant Considered ‘Middle-Aged’?” — Matthew McGuirl
· “My Parents Will Be Home in an Hour” — Lois
· “Skip the Condom. She’s Been Tested, Too” — Andy Adelewitz
· “Take Your Father to Work Day” — Sean Mc Grath
Honorable mentions:
· “Charge Me If You Can” — petch
· “If You Can’t Beat ‘Em (in Public)” — Heather
· “They Were Talking About Their Braces.” — Allison
Girl #1: If Rome was built in a day, I can definitely build a website in one day also…
Girl #2: The saying is “Rome wasn’t built in a day.“
Girl #1: Are you sure? That kinda ruins my logic.
–NYU
Drunk guy to laughing Asian: There is no theory of evolution–only a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
Girlfriend: Babe, no more Chuck Norris, please!
Drunk guy: But Chuck Nor…
Girlfriend: No, give me one good reason you should talk about Chuck Norris.
Drunk guy (without hesitation): Cause god wanted 10 days to create the world, and Chuck Norris only gave him 6, do you want an 8‑day work week? Huh?
Girlfriend to friend: How did I just lose this argument?
Friend: Yeah, that was unexpected.
–Zanzibar Bar
Overheard by: Wish i was chuck norris
Hat Tip 🎩 to The Marketing Scientist
