Archive for the ‘Time’ Category

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Re­mem­ber elim­i­DATE Fond­ly

Man on cell: Yeah man, she is so not any­one that I would be will­ing to in­vest years in… I mean I don’t want to have to spend my time ac­tu­al­ly work­ing on it. I fig­ured, hell, I kind of want to wake up next to some­one a cou­ple of days a week, so I might as well hang on through the sum­mer. No, she has no idea…

–Colum­bus & 62nd St

Grad stu­dent: They have this sym­bi­ot­ic re­la­tion­ship in which he does all the eat­ing and she does all the drink­ing.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Woman to her­self: God, I asked you for a good man; not a fuck­ing joke!

–Spring & Hud­son

Over­heard by: Os­car Gam­ble

Fire­fight­er to oth­ers: It’s not that I have any­thing against com­mit­ment; I just like di­ver­si­ty.

–125th St Fair­way

Over­heard by: Just Shop­pint

Man in shorts to an­oth­er: I would­n’t date a girl with dou­ble vi­sion, pe­ri­od.

–Williams­burg

Over­heard by: Dr No-Eyes

Busi­ness­woman to hobo: If you get back in the dat­ing scene, I’ll kill you.

–Hous­ton & Lafayette

Over­heard by: Home­less guy must be hung

The End Of West­ern Civ­i­liza­tion: An OINY Short Sto­ry.

Lawyer #1: I saw this fun­ny video on YouTube last night. I did a search for “re­tards” and there was this one called “re­tard­ed Brit­ney Spears fan.” It was a re­tard singing one of her songs.
Lawyer #2: Have you seen 2 Girls 1 Cup?
Lawyer #1: I was able to watch about two sec­onds of it be­fore I had to click it off.
Lawyer #2: Did you see the one called “ex­treme pain”? I could on­ly watch about five sec­onds of it. A guy was cut­ting off his own dick.
Lawyer #1: That’s some sick shit. How’s your cat?
Lawyer #2: You should see her. She rolls over on her back and my dog licks her be­tween the legs for a long time, then smacks his lips.
Lawyer #1: You should video that and put it on YouTube. Call it “eat­ing pussy.” You’ll get a mil­lion hits!

–Civ­il Court, 141 Liv­ingston St., Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Big Lar­ry

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Love Drunk Talk

Drunk girl with tin­sel in her hair: Al­right, so why is in my his­to­ry that it says “thehugestcock.com”?

–Star­bucks, Sheri­dan Square

Drunk guy: The Amazins? Fuck them! The on­ly amazin’ thing about them is they nev­er fuck­ing win…

–Down­town 6 Train

Drunk man at 1:30 am: Vagi­na bar!

–49th St, As­to­ria

Drunk girl­friend to even drunk­er boyfriend: Ohmigod! I have to get up in five hours and teach!

–116th St

The Lit­tle Wednes­day One-Lin­er That Could

Cheer­ful fe­male con­duc­tor: This is the ex­press train. That means it’s not not not not not not not the lo­cal train. Don’t screw up.

–Metro-North Rail

Over­heard by: Lynne

Con­duc­tor: Be­hold! This is Wood­side! Change here for the for­mer Shea Sta­di­um, now Mets-Wil­lets point. Have a great time!

–LIRR

Con­duc­tor: Af­ter Syos­set, the next stop will be ex­press, di­rect­ly to Hunters Point Av­enue. Do not pass go, do not col­lect 200 dol­lars.

–LIRR

Over­heard by: morn­ing­com­mute

Con­duc­tor: There is an up­town ex­press train across the tracks. When the doors open, get off if you want to get off. Don’t just stand there look­ing at it.

–Up­town 6 Train

Over­heard by: Julie

Con­duc­tor, as doors open for pas­sen­gers: Ladies and gen­tle­men, we know you’ve been wait­ing a long time for a train… (doors close abrupt­ly) Wait for an­oth­er.

–Q Train