Archive for the ‘Tourists’ Category

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are One Baaaad Moth­er– Shut Yo’ Mouth!

Cute JAP talk­ing about all the stuff she gets: I don’t need a man, I have my mom.

–Rare View Bar

Over­heard by: white guy

Blonde girl to male friend: Lis­ten, John. Fif­teen min­utes, your mom. Fif­teen min­utes, your mom.

–R Train

An­noy­ing 40-some­thing new mom: A good mom al­ways has a di­a­per in her pock­et!

–Barnes & No­ble, 18th & 5th

Over­heard by: I Am McLovey

Cowork­er: I got a boot­leg moth­er.

–Mid­town

Win­dow-shop­ping tourist to wife: Look, hon­ey! It’s the dress your moth­er wore when they buried her!

–Union Square

Over­heard by: CJ

Guy: I go over to the house for Moth­er’s Day and she yells at me for not call­ing her for Moth­er’s Day like my broth­er did. So I go out­side and call her from my cell and say “hap­py Moth­er’s Day!” and she yells at me for be­ing an id­iot.

–37th & 7th

Mis­souri or Kansas?

Cop to cab­bie: Hur­ry up, you Ara­bi­an fuck! Dum­b­ass tow­el-heads…
Tourist mom: Do you have to use that lan­guage? There are chil­dren present.
Cop: La­dy, shut up. This is New York — ei­ther get with it or get out.
Tourist mom: This nev­er would have hap­pened back in Kansas City.

–Rock­e­feller Cen­ter

Wednes­day, with a One-Lin­er Chas­er

Fe­male day-drink­ing tourist: Oh shit, I left my vod­ka in the church!

–Out­side Trin­i­ty Church

Man on cell: If it’s pos­si­ble to fer­ment it, we have fer­ment­ed it.

–7th St b/w 2nd & 3rd Ave

Mid­dle-aged man to younger man: You know how cats and dogs–they eat and then they go? In one end and out the oth­er. I’m like that. My blad­der has room for the equiv­a­lent of one good cock­tail.

–10th Ave and W 50th St

Over­heard by: Ah.…middle age

Com­muter at 8 am: Beer. Beer.

–Grand Cen­tral

Over­heard by: ba­con­ista

Old drunk walk­ing in­to a liquor store, to clerk: Have you got my pre­scrip­tion?

–Broad­way & 106th St

Over­heard by: rick­bruner

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Pre­fer Om­a­ha

Tourist: I don’t like this train line. On the L line they have bench­es so that you can kneel down and pray… And they don’t have crevices dig­ging in­to your ass and shit.

–1 train

Tourist girl: Let’s go to the Up­per Wet Side.

–Palace The­atre, Broad­way

Tourist: You haven’t been raped and stabbed ’til you’ve been raped and stabbed in New York.

–Cen­tral Park

Dude with huge back­pack, clutch­ing a map: Some­times you just don’t want to see a huge ball of twine, y’­know? It’s, like, 200 miles away. [Guy next to him nods head vig­or­ous­ly.]

–Man­hat­tan-bound L train

Mid­dle-aged tourist on cell: No, we got­ta go to Penn Cen­tral. Trust me, I know this place — we got­ta get to Penn Cen­tral.

–Penn Sta­tion

Touché, Ann Coul­ter, Touché

Tourist guy #1: New York is cool man, a lot of places to vis­it and shit.
Tourist guy #2: Yeah, I know… I can’t wait to find me one of them horny-ass “Sex in the City” whores to suck me up while I’m here.
Tourist guy #1: That’s a myth, you fag. It ain’t re­al.
Tourist guy #2: Look at those moms over there. I bet they’re crav­ing some young cock.

–Out­side Ra­dio City Mu­sic Hall

Over­heard by: Fat­Cop

And Mom­ma Bear Said, “This Ad­vice Is Too Friend­ly”

Con­duc­tor: Ladies and gen­tle­men, due to an ear­li­er in­ci­dent, all Sixth Av­enue line trains are run­ning over the Eighth Av­enue line. Please be pa­tient.
Con­fused tourist la­dy: What does that even mean? I don’t un­der­stand.
Suit: It means that if you want to take any of the trains on the or­ange line you trans­fer at the next sta­tion like nor­mal, but in­stead of go­ing down­stairs you just wait on that plat­form for the train you want.
Mid­dle-aged woman across aisle: They’re not or­ange line trains. It’s the B, the D, the F and the V. Re­al New York­ers don’t call it the or­ange line.
Suit: Hey, la­dy, fuck you. There, is that New York enough for ya?

–E train ap­proach­ing W 4th St