Archive for the ‘Train Station’ Category

A Sor­ry Sack Of Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Guy to friend: I’m sor­ry. When I see tight shorts I don’t think 80s hair met­al.

–23rd St

Con­duc­tor: This sta­tion is Mur­ray Hill. If you look out­side your win­dow and don’t see a plat­form, then you can’t get off. Sor­ry. Please walk to­wards the front of the train.

–LIRR

Over­heard by: PW rid­er

NJ tran­sit con­duc­tor: Folks, this is the 5:50 Mid­town di­rect. We are leav­ing two min­utes late be­cause some of your fel­low com­muters would not board the train. Some peo­ple don’t un­der­stand you can walk on the train. Sor­ry for that.

–NJ Tran­sit, Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: Kather­ine

Ex­treme­ly Brook­ly­nese con­duc­tor: Okay, we’re be­ing held up by an­oth­er f and…uh…another d. Oh, jeez! Sor­ry, peo­ple, it’s not my fault, blame the fuckin’ dis­patch­er! (to per­son in the con­duct­ing booth) What?

–F Train

Over­heard by: Jasper john­son

Con­duc­tor on loud­speak­er: Now ar­riv­ing at Penn Sta­tion. Please ex­it the train prompt­ly. And to those sit­ting in the first two cars, sor­ry about the lack of lights and air con­di­tion­er. (loud­speak­er turns off, af­ter a pause back on). Ac­tu­al­ly, we’re sor­ry about every­thing.

–NJ Tran­sit, Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: bru­tal com­muter

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers?

Woman, pick­ing up rub­ber ball, to em­ploy­ee: Oh, what can you do with this?

–Scholas­tic Store, So­ho

Fresh­man girl: What do we, like, throw in the re­cy­cling bin?

–Leon M. Gold­stein High School

Over­heard by: Robert Gley­ber­man

Woman, de­scend­ing stairs on­to train plat­form: Oh my god! Is that a train?

–Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: cu­ri­ous to know what else she was ex­pect­ing to see at a train sta­tion…

Ran­dom tourist to young Asian kid: Do you sell fake bags?

–Canal Street Sta­tion

As­tute shop­per: Do you take Du­ane Reade cards here?

–Du­ane Reade

Over­heard by: fel­low cus­tomer

Guy on cell: Bagels with but­ter? Where am I gonna get that?

–Up­per East Side

Over­heard by: sarah­jane

You Can Al­ways Tell the Con­duc­tors Who Used to Teach Pub­lic School

Train con­duc­tor on “drunk train” from Penn Sta­tion: To your right, you will see a big shiny train. If you are chang­ing to the train to Port Jeff, get off of this train, and get on that shiny train. If you are chang­ing to the train to Mon­tauk, walk through the big shiny train, un­til you see an even *big­ger* shiny train. The train to Mon­tauk will have not one, but two big shiny lev­els. That is the train to Mon­tauk. So re­mem­ber: Port Jeff?
Con­duc­tor and herd of drunk­en fools: Shiny train!
Con­duc­tor: Mon­tauk?
Drunk­en fools: Big­ger shiny train! Woooo!

–LIRR, Ja­maica Sta­tion

Over­heard by: Sarah

Has “Fruit” Been Re­claimed Yet?

Dad: So what did you learn in school to­day?
Son: Ummm…a toma­to is a fruit.
Dad: What? A toma­to is a fruit?
Son: Yeah, cause it has seeds.
Dad: You’re telling me a toma­to is a fruit? Is a pump­kin a fruit?
Son: Yeah, they have seeds.
Dad: What about a cu­cum­ber, is that a fruit?
Son: No.
Dad: What about a squash? A zuc­chi­ni? You know what I think? I think you’re the fruit!
Son: No, I don’t have seeds.
Dad: …I’m not go­ing there.

–Grand Cen­tral

Over­heard by: Re­hey

Maybe She’s Born with It? Maybe It’s Wednes­day One-Lin­er.

Guy preach­ing on sub­way: I no­ticed I would al­ways get hit on by beau­ti­ful women when I was with a woman, so I start­ed hang­ing out with les­bians, and now we pick up women to­geth­er.

–1 Train

Over­heard by: Alex­is

Pan­han­dler go­ing through train: God bless you, will any­one spare some mon­ey? God bless you, damm! You have a pret­ty white girl­friend.

–6 Train

Over­heard by: Jack­ie

Woman giv­ing out free loot: You girls are so pret­ty, want some con­doms?

–Grand Cen­tral Sta­tion

Hobo: Why do rich men get to mar­ry all the pret­ty girls, kill them, and get away with it?

–125th St

Trashed girl, com­ing out of bath­room: I hate when guys say, “you’re pret­ty enough.”

–Bar 9, 54th & 9th

Over­heard by: La­dle

Big slob­by schlub, loud­ly talk­ing to bud­dy: So, she was about to be­come an­oth­er dis­pos­able pret­ty girl.

–W 66th St

Over­heard by: Su­san Vol­chok

Ram­bling crazy man: All of you women look beau­ti­ful, but in the end, y’all still have to take a shit!

–L Train

Over­heard by: The City Plan­ner

Don’t Read Too Much In­to These Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Check in girl: I on­ly like buy­ing books with sparkles on the cov­er.

–York & 72nd

Over­heard by: fance

Teenage girl on cell: I got­ta find this book in the re­li­gion sec­tion. You know, it’s like… it’s not that you be­lieve in god, or you don’t be­lieve in god, but that you just don’t care? I want that book!

–Bor­ders Book­store, Mid­town

Am­trak con­duc­tor: A free copy of Am­trak’s Ar­rive mag­a­zine is lo­cat­ed in your seat pock­et. For those seek­ing en­light­en­ment, this mag­a­zine is the first step.

–Train, Penn Sta­tion

Stu­dent, dis­cussing The Sound and the Fury: I sup­pose it’s a very *art­sy* ending–a big, re­tard­ed guy hold­ing a bro­ken flower… Does that come with skin­ny jeans and an apart­ment in Williams­burg?

–Stuyvesant High School

Tip­sy 30-some­thing nerd: We can’t all be rid­ing es­ca­la­tors with hard-ons.(older woman turns around) What, la­dy? It’s a lit­er­ary ref­er­ence, look it up!

–1st & 7th

Over­heard by: Phyl­lis Dean

Life Im­i­tates… Art?

Yup­pie: Do you think my neigh­bor­hood is sketchy, too?
Friend #1: Well, the part where you walk past the aban­doned ware­house *is* sketchy.
Yup­pie: They’re build­ing an ad­di­tion. In six months, aban­doned no more.
Friend #2: I hear DUM­BO is hot right now.
Yup­pie: You know, when­ev­er I tell any­body I live in DUM­BO, it’s like that movie Zo­olan­der, when­ev­er Hansel comes in and they all go, “oh, Hansel’s hot now.”

–High Street Train Sta­tion

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers’ Mono­grammed Tow­els Say “W.O.L.”

Prep­py teenage boy on cell: I use the word “ex” as a cop­ing mech­a­nism. She can have her name back once I’m healed.

–Grand Cen­tral

Trans­ves­tite on cell: I’m chang­ing my name from An­gela to Rachel. An­gela sounds very Dis­ney. I don’t feel like Dis­ney. I feel like a hard sound, like Rachel.

–Pel­ham Bay Park

Black guy: Shit be fucked up. Nig­gas got bitch­es’ names. Bitch­es got nig­gas’ names.

–26th & 8th

Over­heard by: With­nail

Yup­pie to an­oth­er: You know, man, I think you say my name more than your wife’s.

–62nd & 2nd

Over­heard by: The Vonz

Up­per East Side girl, se­ri­ous­ly: You know what the first thing I look for in a gen­tle­man caller is? His name.

–89th St & 3rd Ave

Read These Wednes­day One-Lin­ers to In­duce Vom­it­ing

Guy: Once I told my friend Ivan that I like to eat my scabs, and he said he did too, so we ate each oth­er scabs.

–Park Slope

Ug­ly drunk girl: Some­times I pick peo­ple’s noses. (pause) Usu­al­ly noth­ing comes out!

–LIRR, Hunt­ing­ton Line

Over­heard by: I 3 Com­muters Black guy on cell: Then I put KY all over her pussy, yo, and she want­ed to spoon that shit up and eat it!

–Lafayette St

Man to fam­i­ly: Well, I’ve got to as­sume he’s get­ting sick any­way, judg­ing by the snot I just saw.

–Grand Cen­tral Sta­tion

Male law stu­dent: That’s the good thing. You can scratch all day and it won’t spread.

–Ford­ham Law School

20-some­thing re­cep­tion­ist: Urp! I think I just coughed up a fe­tus. I bet­ter Lysol the phone.

–5th Ave

Over­heard by: Brook­lyn­Born