Archive for the ‘Trains Not Subway’ Category

What Not to Wednes­day One-Lin­er

Hip­ster girl: Look, just be­cause you’re preg­nant does­n’t mean you have to dress like a fifth grad­er.

–Union Pool, Brook­lyn

Vain fag, look­ing at pants: I re­al­ly love these shorts, I hope they’re *in* this sum­mer…

–LIRR

Guy wear­ing bright green leather clogs: No, I’d nev­er wear crocs. They’re ug­ly.

–For­est Hills Gar­dens, Queens

Over­heard by: Aloof Lon­er

Goth girl: Let’s buy fur coats and throw paint on our­selves.

–Bloom­ing­dale’s

Dis­em­bod­ied voice: Yo, these are mom jeans. I hate that shit! The waist goes all the way up to your stom­ach and then it makes a lit­tle V‑neck pouch for your vagi­na. I hate that shit!

–Fit­ting Rooms, Gap in Her­ald Square

Over­heard by: Zarya

[Wait­ing in line for the washroom.]Lady, bawl­ing her eyes out: Sor­ry, I or­dered this jack­et, and it’s two sizes too big!

–Ma­cy’s

Over­heard by: Tra­cy

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers for Cele­bre­tards

Young black guy to an­oth­er: You know, Oba­ma is to pol­i­tics what Richard Sim­mons is to ex­er­cise.

–PATH Train

Guy stand­ing out­side bar: And she was like, “What, like Gary Cole­man?” and I’m like, “No, not like fuck­ing Gary Cole­man!”

–4th & 10th

Girl to boyfriend: Well, Tom Green on­ly had one tes­ti­cle. It’s to­tal­ly fine.

–E 11th St

Over­heard by: j

Suit on cell: And I was like, “Fuck you, Ryan Cabr­era”!

–Bed­ford & 6th St

Black girl on cell: I told you, we’re like the Paris Hiltons of Liberia.

–Bor­ders, Wall St

Over­heard by: step

Guy (af­ter tak­ing pic­ture with Je­re­my Piv­en): Damn! I can’t put this on My­Space. I’m wear­ing the same shirt I wore when I met Chazz Palminteri!

–Out­side Bar­ry­more The­atre

Over­heard by: Pasta…Salad

And It’ll Be a Lot More Fun Now That I Can Ac­tu­al­ly Hold My Liquor!

Girl #1: Re­al New York­ers hate LA. I’m sure I’d hate it if I had to live there.
Girl #2: Yeah, la’s ter­ri­ble. I would­n’t mind liv­ing in San Fran­cis­co, though, be­cause I was bap­tized there.
Girl #3: I don’t know, LA’s kind of fun for like a year.
Girl #1: When did you live there?
Girl #3: Third grade.

–LIRR

Over­heard by: bun­bury

Wednes­day Con­ga Lin­ers

Man on cell: Yeah, so do you know that show Danc­ing with the Stars? They got the idea for it from the cam­era in my show­er.

–6th Ave & 55th St

Over­heard by: Ali­cia

Ag­ing badass to la­dy friend: Yeah, I to­tal­ly got es­cort­ed out of a Tom Pet­ty con­cert for danc­ing in the aisles.

–17th St & 5th Ave

Over­heard by: Orig­i­nal Badass

Black guy: Hey every­body! Stop what you’re do­ing! There’s two black guys about to dance on this train! That’s some­thing you don’t see of­ten!

–A Train

Flam­boy­ant gay man to friend: You can’t sashay in there. There’s no room to sashay at all.

–Out­side LGBT Com­mu­ni­ty Cen­ter, dur­ing Fur Ball

Over­heard by: pan­darants

Drunk Asian girl: It’s al­ways time to dance in North Ko­rea.

–2nd St & Ave B

Think of the Starv­ing Ba­by Birds in Africa

Guy on cell: Yeah…right…uh huh…hold on a sec­ond.

He leans over and throws up on the side­walk.

Guy on cell: What were you say­ing?

–59th & 5th

Over­heard by: Jeff Hub­bard

Woman #1: I wan­na get re­al­ly stoned so I can throw up.
Woman #2: Why?
Woman #1: Just to know I can.

–LIRR

Girl: I want to throw up. Like, I have some puke in the back of my throat.

–Broad­way & West 4th

Over­heard by: Ju­lia

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are in a Tran­si­tion­al Phase

Con­duc­tor (af­ter a few min­utes wait­ing at sig­nal): One of those trains bet­ter hur­ry it up and move it, I have bet­ter things to do.

–N Train

Con­duc­tor: Across the plat­form is an ex­press 3 train. The doors are open, you can make it. Go for it! Go! Catch that train! (af­ter a few stops) There is an ex­press 2 train across the plat­form. You will make it. You will not miss it. You will make it.

–1 Train

Over­heard by: mo­ti­vat­ed

Cheer­ful con­duc­tor: Wel­come to the sta­tion for­mer­ly known as Prince!

–R Train

Con­duc­tor: We are now ar­riv­ing at Grand Cen­tral. This is our fi­nal stop. We’re six min­utes ear­ly, so now you can’t say any­thing bad about us.

–Metro North Train

Over­heard by: An­gela

Con­duc­tor: That is a 1 train and all trains are run­ning ex­press. An­oth­er lo­cal won’t run til 5 am Mon­day. You can wait but we don’t serve din­ner or break­fast, and I’m all out of sleep­ing bags.

–1 Train

Over­heard by: Steve

Con­duc­tor: Ladies and gen­tle­men, the train’s emer­gency brakes have been ac­ti­vat­ed for some rea­son. The train op­er­a­tor is go­ing to walk around the train and check if there’s a…body, or some­thing, un­der the train. Af­ter that, we’ll be able to move!

–C Train

Over­heard by: Pa­tient Pas­sen­ger

Train con­duc­tor: Last call for the 10:00 local…last call! Get on the train cause away we go, and it’s 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…blastoff!

–Metro North

Over­heard by: to mount kisco, and BE­YOND!

You’d Think They’d Tai­lor Them More to Me

Con­duc­tor (over PA sys­tem): Make sure you pick up all your be­long­ings… If you have small chil­dren, be sure to take them by the hand be­fore leav­ing the train. Thank you for rid­ing New Jer­sey tran­sit, and have a great day.
Jer­sey girl (to suit): Now see, I don’t have chil­dren! They haven’t thought these an­nounce­ments through.

–NJ Tran­sit