Archive for the ‘Trains Not Subway’ Category

Life Is Like a Box of Wednesday One-Liners…

Man on cell: What did I do to you? I bought you a house and you don’t even wanna live in it!

–F Train

Overheard by: LC

Conductor, over intercom: Ladies and gentlemen, this train is overbooked. That’s just the way things are. Life is unfair.

–Amtrak Train, Penn Station

Overheard by: Ladle

Suit: There was a time in my life when I would have never tired of hearing the word "vagina". That time has passed.

–Staten Island Supreme Court

Conductor: Watch your step as you exit the train, and if you’re late, just remember that life is a lot like being on this train: we may not be there yet, but we’re getting there.

–2 Train

Overheard by: can this conductor drive my train every day please?

Itching, Burning, Flaking Wednesday One-Liners

Girl to friend: I told him you had fucking mad STDs because he said he wanted to fuck you. (pause) You're welcome!

–Washington Square Park

Suit exiting cab: Yo, make sure you don't give him your number. He's got crabs.

–30th Ave & 30th St, Astoria

Overheard by: OhKellyO

Blonde 20-something on phone: Either the universe just proved there is no god, or he is a motherfucking cunt! (pauses, then in low tone) Because… I think I have herpes.

–Battery Park

Overheard by: close enough to hear the herpes part

Thug to thugette: I didn't have warts on my body till I met you.

–Metro North

Overheard by: baconista

Guy on cell, leaning casually against fire hydrant: Hey, so, I just got my test results back, and… uh… so I got herpes. So… maybe you should get yourself tested. (pause) No, no, no. No. No! Dammit, Jessica, listen, I… fuck. Sorry, Jennifer. No, I–no, I'm sorry, I've just been making this call a lot today. (pause) Hello?

–Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Kytt

Marriage Requires a Different Kind of Acting

Little girl, holding Phantom Of The Opera playbill: Mommy, were those two people married?
Mother: What two people?
Little girl: Those two people who kissed.
Mother: No. Those were actors. They were just acting in a play.
Little girl: But then outside, I saw them hug.
Mother: I think they were just saying, “Good job.” That’s how they say, “Good job.”
Little girl: Well, I saw them kiss so they better have been married!

–LIRR train

Overheard by: sara swank

Real Bunny Eyes Dissolve, Too

Girl #1: We did this experiment with Peeps in high school. Nothing dissolved them. Not hydrochloric acid. Highly concentrated. Not sulfuric acid. Highly concentrated. Not nitric acid. Highly concentrated. Nothing dissolved except the eyes.
Girl #2: So how come when I eat Peeps, my poop isn’t pink and sparkly?
Girl #1: Oh, there’s ingredient breakdown and bile’s involved, but you pretty much shit Peep.

–Metro-North train

Wednesday One-Liners Are Retaining Sperm

20-something woman on cell: I thought I was pregnant because I was nauseous all the time, but then I realized I was just always hungover.

–111th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ladle

Guy to chick: What the fuck did she get pregnant for? She needed to lose some weight.

–Bowery

Hyper chick: He got me knocked up with this giant pretzel!

–LIRR

Overheard by: Pretzel Vendor

20-something girl to friend: Oh, so you're thinking because it's Memorial Day weekend you're gonna get preggers?

–Hoyt-Schermerhorn Subway Sation

Guy, about a couple who'd broken up: She came back to pick up her shit, and when you come back to pick up your shit, you know, shit happens, and she got pregnant.

–Bed-Stuy, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Ashley

Lady suit on cell: Well, unless you want to get me pregnant, I'm not sure I see a way around this!

–Columbus Circle

Did You, Like, Miss a Meeting?

Man in nearly empty train: There’s an unclaimed bag back there on a seat.
Conductor: Huh?
Man: There’s a bag back there that no one is claiming, and I thought you should know.
Conductor: No… I think it must belong to somebody.

–Harlem line, Metro-North

Overheard by: getting off the next stop

Wednesday One-Liners Look Terrible in Neon Orange

20-something woman to man: You've never been arrested? I have never met anyone that has not been arrested!

–Le Charlot Restaurant, Upper East Side

Angry guy on cell: If you ever send e-mail to my family again, I will wait outside your apartment door! (pause) I got arrested! I spent Thanksgiving in jail!

–11th & University

Overheard by: MissPinkKate

Man in US Correctional Services jacket to another looking around hectically in a large crowd: Make sure we don't lose him!

–Penn Station

Chubby well-dressed black dude to skinny white geeky friends: Time in prison can be good for the soul!

–F Train

Overheard by: MissMae

Guy on cell: Yeah man, she's like a young girl, and she's driving me nuts. It's like always a fight with her. I mean, she's so young, yo… But yeah, I mean, she's a sweetheart. I mean, she's a good girl. So young. Like, we've been together for 7 months and that ain't nothing to me, but to her it's a big deal. And I'm all like, shit, I've been in jail for longer than 7 months, you know, so I don't know what she's bitching about. I don't need her to make me miserable. I can make myself miserable.

–Metro-North Train

Overheard by: Meaghan

Fran Drescher sound-alike: What's wrong with you? Don't applaud, I'm going to jail!

–Eight Mile Creek, Mullberry Street

Overheard by: Adam Nathan