Archive for the ‘Trains Not Subway’ Category

The Lit­tle Wednes­day One-Lin­er That Could

Cheer­ful fe­male con­duc­tor: This is the ex­press train. That means it’s not not not not not not not the lo­cal train. Don’t screw up.

–Metro-North Rail

Over­heard by: Lynne

Con­duc­tor: Be­hold! This is Wood­side! Change here for the for­mer Shea Sta­di­um, now Mets-Wil­lets point. Have a great time!

–LIRR

Con­duc­tor: Af­ter Syos­set, the next stop will be ex­press, di­rect­ly to Hunters Point Av­enue. Do not pass go, do not col­lect 200 dol­lars.

–LIRR

Over­heard by: morn­ing­com­mute

Con­duc­tor: There is an up­town ex­press train across the tracks. When the doors open, get off if you want to get off. Don’t just stand there look­ing at it.

–Up­town 6 Train

Over­heard by: Julie

Con­duc­tor, as doors open for pas­sen­gers: Ladies and gen­tle­men, we know you’ve been wait­ing a long time for a train… (doors close abrupt­ly) Wait for an­oth­er.

–Q Train

Test­ing, Wednes­day One, Two, Three-Lin­ers

Prin­ci­pal, over PA sys­tem: At­ten­tion: We are test­ing out the PA sys­tem. If you don’t hear this, please call the of­fice.

–Pub­lic School

An­nounc­er on 6 train (which was be­ing held at the sta­tion): At­ten­tion ladies and gen­tle­men. (pause) Does this thing even work?

–Up­town 6 Train

Over­heard by: Your Mom

Cop, over mega­phone from pa­trol car: At­ten­tion peo­ple in the park, we think you are all drunk. Whether legal­ly or il­le­gal­ly, please, va­cate the area. (a few min­utes lat­er, af­ter dri­ving around the foun­tain) Peo­ple in the foun­tain, don’t think we can’t see you…don’t use stargaz­ing as your ex­cuse be­cause there’s too much light pol­lu­tion!

–Wash­ing­ton Square Park

Over­heard by: In the foun­tain

Con­duc­tor over PA: At­ten­tion pas­sen­gers. Acts of pugilism are not al­lowed on this train.
(two min­utes lat­er) At­ten­tion pas­sen­gers. This is just a re­minder that acts of for­ni­ca­tion or fel­la­tio are not al­lowed on this train.

–Post Mid­night Drunk Train, LIRR

Over­heard by: Rob T Fire­fly

Ner­vous voice on build­ing PA sys­tem: Can I have your at­ten­tion, please? Can I have your at­ten­tion, please? Please dis­re­gard this mes­sage.

–Third Ave & b/w 50th & 51st

Life Is Like a Box of Wednes­day One-Lin­ers…

Man on cell: What did I do to you? I bought you a house and you don’t even wan­na live in it!

–F Train

Over­heard by: LC

Con­duc­tor, over in­ter­com: Ladies and gen­tle­men, this train is over­booked. That’s just the way things are. Life is un­fair.

–Am­trak Train, Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: La­dle

Suit: There was a time in my life when I would have nev­er tired of hear­ing the word “vagi­na”. That time has passed.

–Stat­en Is­land Supreme Court

Con­duc­tor: Watch your step as you ex­it the train, and if you’re late, just re­mem­ber that life is a lot like be­ing on this train: we may not be there yet, but we’re get­ting there.

–2 Train

Over­heard by: can this con­duc­tor dri­ve my train every day please?

Itch­ing, Burn­ing, Flak­ing Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Girl to friend: I told him you had fuck­ing mad STDs be­cause he said he want­ed to fuck you. (pause) You’re wel­come!

–Wash­ing­ton Square Park

Suit ex­it­ing cab: Yo, make sure you don’t give him your num­ber. He’s got crabs.

–30th Ave & 30th St, As­to­ria

Over­heard by: OhKel­lyO

Blonde 20-some­thing on phone: Ei­ther the uni­verse just proved there is no god, or he is a moth­er­fuck­ing cunt! (paus­es, then in low tone) Be­cause… I think I have her­pes.

–Bat­tery Park

Over­heard by: close enough to hear the her­pes part

Thug to thugette: I did­n’t have warts on my body till I met you.

–Metro North

Over­heard by: ba­con­ista

Guy on cell, lean­ing ca­su­al­ly against fire hy­drant: Hey, so, I just got my test re­sults back, and… uh… so I got her­pes. So… maybe you should get your­self test­ed. (pause) No, no, no. No. No! Dammit, Jes­si­ca, lis­ten, I… fuck. Sor­ry, Jen­nifer. No, I–no, I’m sor­ry, I’ve just been mak­ing this call a lot to­day. (pause) Hel­lo?

–Car­roll Gar­dens, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Kytt

Mar­riage Re­quires a Dif­fer­ent Kind of Act­ing

Lit­tle girl, hold­ing Phan­tom Of The Opera play­bill: Mom­my, were those two peo­ple mar­ried?
Moth­er: What two peo­ple?
Lit­tle girl: Those two peo­ple who kissed.
Moth­er: No. Those were ac­tors. They were just act­ing in a play.
Lit­tle girl: But then out­side, I saw them hug.
Moth­er: I think they were just say­ing, “Good job.” That’s how they say, “Good job.“
Lit­tle girl: Well, I saw them kiss so they bet­ter have been mar­ried!

–LIRR train

Over­heard by: sara swank

Re­al Bun­ny Eyes Dis­solve, Too

Girl #1: We did this ex­per­i­ment with Peeps in high school. Noth­ing dis­solved them. Not hy­drochlo­ric acid. High­ly con­cen­trat­ed. Not sul­fu­ric acid. High­ly con­cen­trat­ed. Not ni­tric acid. High­ly con­cen­trat­ed. Noth­ing dis­solved ex­cept the eyes.
Girl #2: So how come when I eat Peeps, my poop is­n’t pink and spark­ly?
Girl #1: Oh, there’s in­gre­di­ent break­down and bile’s in­volved, but you pret­ty much shit Peep.

–Metro-North train