Archive for the ‘Turtle Bay’ Category

But How Will You Put Me to Sleep?

Six-year-old boy push­ing shop­ping cart: Dad­dy, look! Beer!
Dad: Yes, that’s beer.
Six-year-old boy: We have to get some beer.
Dad: No, we’re not get­ting any beer to­day.
Six-year-old boy, bummed: Okay, we won’t get any beer to­day.

–Grist­edes Su­per­mar­ket, 40th & 2nd

Reg­u­lar Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Woman: …Then they gave him en­e­mas un­til it ran clear. Now he has­n’t had a move­ment in three days. Should I be wor­ried?


Suit: Yeah, I just left a floater in the up­stairs bath­room.

–44th & 3rd

Am­bigu­ous­ly gay ac­tor: Flow­ers come out. Girls do not poop, ever. Ever!

–Tisch School of the Arts, NYU

Over­heard by: a girl who poops

Fresh­man chick: I am so not in the mood to take a shit right now.

–Re­stroom, Hunter Col­lege

Cheru­bic blonde chick to an­oth­er: You know that ‘BM’ means poop, right?

–Met­ro­pol­i­tan Mu­se­um of Art

Suit-in-train­ing: Oh, yeah, I do have to take a shit — I for­got.

–NYU Stern Build­ing

Guy wait­ing for stall: Let’s go gang, push it out! We got­ta go out here!

–Man­hat­tan Mall

Over­heard by: KeeZ

Fem­i­nism Did­n’t Die, It’s Liv­ing Com­fort­ably as a Stay-at-Home Mom in White Plains

Girl #1: I am like, to­tal­ly ad­dict­ed to Days of our Lives.
Girl #2: Re­al­ly?
Girl #1: Yeah, but I am so fucked up, be­cause this one char­ac­ter to­tal­ly got fired and they put an­oth­er guy in his place. I can’t even watch him, be­cause, you know, he’s not the same guy.
Girl #2: Re­al­ly?
Girl #1: Yeah, it’s re­al­ly fucked up my TV view­ing sched­ule. I mean, what am I go­ing to watch, one of the judge shows?
Girl #2: Well, you could go to class or study in­stead.…
Girl #1: I don’t need to. I’m study­ing to be a sec­ond wife. That girl’s shoes are so cute. They would match my bag. Ex­cuse me, where’d you get those shoes?
Girl #3: My hus­band.
Girl #1: See, class dis­missed.

–53rd St & 3rd Ave

Over­heard by: Kimbers614

It’s Wednes­day One-lin­ers, Crazy

Too tan woman: It’s the first day in a week that no one has called me a psychopath.…yet.

–W. 66th be­tween Broad­way and Cen­tral Park West

Guy: I thought when I got up I was go­ing to lose con­trol. Then it went away.

–54th be­tween 1st & 2nd

Over­heard by: Brandy Row­ell

Big guy: That girl’s a se­r­i­al killer. She mur­ders men and then leaves panties on their face.

–47th Street & 5th Av­enue

Over­heard by: Bri­an

Girl: That “I’m Re­al­ly Catholic” Ploy Works Every Time

Dude #1: Did you go home with that girl last night?
Dude #2: Yeah, I was up all night. She was like a fuck­ing porn star — stuck her fin­ger in my ass!
Dude #1: Porn star? That girl had a face fit for ra­dio! And she told me that she was re­al­ly Catholic!
Dude #2: I told her I’ve on­ly been with two girls, and then I tried to stick it in her ass!
Dude #1: You are a re­al scum­bag!

–36th & 3rd

Over­heard by: Pe­ter Per­si­co