Archive for the ‘Tweens’ Category

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers for the Thir­teen-Year-Old in Every­one

Girl to friend: When­ev­er I get a re­al­ly big booger, I feed it to the dog.

–Apart­ment Build­ing, Mid­town

Girl: And the doc­tor asked if she’d gone down on any­one late­ly, and she said “yeah, and when I was do­ing it, all these lit­tle bumps kept falling off in my mouth,” and the doc­tor said “you have gen­i­tal warts in your throat.”

–L Train

Over­heard by: atrain

Man on cell: And he opened a can of worms, ate the whole thing and then spit it all in­to his friend’s mouth. We were dry heav­ing. But every­one just looked at us weird.

–1st & 15th

Over­heard by: An­gela

Pre­teen boy on cell: (belch­es) Huh? (belch­es again, loud­ly) What did you say? I can’t hear you, I’m burp­ing.

–77th & 2nd

Girl to friend: My dad would say, “don’t send her choco­late, it makes mu­cus.”

–W 24th St & 10th Ave

Over­heard by: Fred Daubert

I’m Glad We Had This Lit­tle Talk

12-year-old girl #1: Do you even like boys?
12-year-old girl #2: Yeah, I do!
12-year-old girl #1: Sure… You like them boys who be wearin’ all light col­ors, walkin’ around like, ‘How you doooin’? I’­ma braid your hair!‘
12-year-old girl #2: What? No. I like boys, I don’t like tit­ties.
12-year-old girl #1, af­ter a pause: Some boys be havin’ tit­ties, though.
12-year-old girl #2: Word.

–Gra­ham & Met­ro­pol­i­tan, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: amused in the bus stop

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Gave You Life

Nine-year-old girl: Trick or treat! If you don’t have any can­dy, you can give my mom some liquor!

–Wine shop, Chelsea

Over­heard by: Cath­erynne Va­lente

Cute chick on cell: Hel­lo, Mom. I’m just call­ing to tell you I got a tat­too, and I’m telling you on your voice­mail so I don’t have to hear any shit from you about it. Call me af­ter you calm down. Bye.

–Canal & Lafayette

Over­heard by: Big Lar­ry

Mom and nine-year-old daugh­ter are walk­ing hand-in-hand.

Daugh­ter, shriek­ing: No, Mom­my, please don’t buy the ra­zor! Any­thing but the ra­zor, Mom­my!

–74th & Broad­way

Tween girl: My moth­er is prob­a­bly go­ing to shit on my head.

–Broad­way & 67th

Over­heard by: thaler

Hip­ster NYU dude: She’s not my moth­er any­more.

–14th St & 3rd Ave

Over­heard by: ya­mutha

What Is Art? Are We Art? Are Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Art?

Old­er gay guy on cell: In the 60s, you did­n’t need to have pas­sion or tal­ent to be an artist; you just need­ed to have a van, be­cause no one else was go­ing to haul your shit­ty art around.

–7th Ave & 14th St

Over­heard by: Miss C

Girl read­ing sign at Frank Lloyd Wright mu­se­um: Oh… He was an ar­chi­tect!

–Guggen­heim Mu­se­um

Over­heard by: An­tar­tic

Mom to lit­tle girl: If you look at too much art in one day, you’ll turn in­to a stat­ue.

–Mo­MA

Guy on phone: Yeah, she said she did­n’t think I would want to go, but why the fuck not? I’ll go to a fuck­ing mu­se­um if I fuck­ing want to. I’ll look at some paint­ings and shit.

–Down­town Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Mark McLaugh­lin

12-year-old boy, look­ing at Pi­cas­so paint­ings: This is to­tal­ly my thing, man, it’s like free porn.

–Mo­MA