Archive for the ‘Union Square and East Village’ Category

Wedne­say One-lin­ers, The End

Frat­boy: They’re go­ing to tear that build­ing down, be­cause it’s se­ri­ous­ly de­crap­i­tat­ed. I mean, just to­tal­ly de­crap­i­tat­ed.

–BAM Cin­e­matek

Girl on cell: He’s go­ing to hell and I don’t even care. He’s go­ing to die and I’m fine with it.

–Hous­ton & 1st Ave.

Guy: My mom was go­ing through menopause, and I could to­tal­ly re­late.

–Lafayette & 3rd St.

Over­heard by: Tedd

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are One Baaaad Moth­er– Shut Yo’ Mouth!

Cute JAP talk­ing about all the stuff she gets: I don’t need a man, I have my mom.

–Rare View Bar

Over­heard by: white guy

Blonde girl to male friend: Lis­ten, John. Fif­teen min­utes, your mom. Fif­teen min­utes, your mom.

–R Train

An­noy­ing 40-some­thing new mom: A good mom al­ways has a di­a­per in her pock­et!

–Barnes & No­ble, 18th & 5th

Over­heard by: I Am McLovey

Cowork­er: I got a boot­leg moth­er.

–Mid­town

Win­dow-shop­ping tourist to wife: Look, hon­ey! It’s the dress your moth­er wore when they buried her!

–Union Square

Over­heard by: CJ

Guy: I go over to the house for Moth­er’s Day and she yells at me for not call­ing her for Moth­er’s Day like my broth­er did. So I go out­side and call her from my cell and say “hap­py Moth­er’s Day!” and she yells at me for be­ing an id­iot.

–37th & 7th

Un­for­tu­nate­ly, I Said It in­to the In­ter­com

20-some­thing chick: So yeah, I did­n’t even care when this girl at my school died.
Friend: Whoa…
20-some­thing chick: Well, she broke my friend’s leg!
Friend: Oh…
20-some­thing chick: When the prin­ci­pal was hav­ing the mo­ment of si­lence, I was like, ‘Geez, she did­n’t take this long to die!‘
Friend: Dude…

–Web­ster Hall

Over­heard by: Vicks­burg

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers for Cele­bre­tards

Young black guy to an­oth­er: You know, Oba­ma is to pol­i­tics what Richard Sim­mons is to ex­er­cise.

–PATH Train

Guy stand­ing out­side bar: And she was like, “What, like Gary Cole­man?” and I’m like, “No, not like fuck­ing Gary Cole­man!”

–4th & 10th

Girl to boyfriend: Well, Tom Green on­ly had one tes­ti­cle. It’s to­tal­ly fine.

–E 11th St

Over­heard by: j

Suit on cell: And I was like, “Fuck you, Ryan Cabr­era”!

–Bed­ford & 6th St

Black girl on cell: I told you, we’re like the Paris Hiltons of Liberia.

–Bor­ders, Wall St

Over­heard by: step

Guy (af­ter tak­ing pic­ture with Je­re­my Piv­en): Damn! I can’t put this on My­Space. I’m wear­ing the same shirt I wore when I met Chazz Palminteri!

–Out­side Bar­ry­more The­atre

Over­heard by: Pasta…Salad

Wednes­day, with a One-Lin­er Chas­er

Fe­male day-drink­ing tourist: Oh shit, I left my vod­ka in the church!

–Out­side Trin­i­ty Church

Man on cell: If it’s pos­si­ble to fer­ment it, we have fer­ment­ed it.

–7th St b/w 2nd & 3rd Ave

Mid­dle-aged man to younger man: You know how cats and dogs–they eat and then they go? In one end and out the oth­er. I’m like that. My blad­der has room for the equiv­a­lent of one good cock­tail.

–10th Ave and W 50th St

Over­heard by: Ah.…middle age

Com­muter at 8 am: Beer. Beer.

–Grand Cen­tral

Over­heard by: ba­con­ista

Old drunk walk­ing in­to a liquor store, to clerk: Have you got my pre­scrip­tion?

–Broad­way & 106th St

Over­heard by: rick­bruner

Wednes­day Con­ga Lin­ers

Man on cell: Yeah, so do you know that show Danc­ing with the Stars? They got the idea for it from the cam­era in my show­er.

–6th Ave & 55th St

Over­heard by: Ali­cia

Ag­ing badass to la­dy friend: Yeah, I to­tal­ly got es­cort­ed out of a Tom Pet­ty con­cert for danc­ing in the aisles.

–17th St & 5th Ave

Over­heard by: Orig­i­nal Badass

Black guy: Hey every­body! Stop what you’re do­ing! There’s two black guys about to dance on this train! That’s some­thing you don’t see of­ten!

–A Train

Flam­boy­ant gay man to friend: You can’t sashay in there. There’s no room to sashay at all.

–Out­side LGBT Com­mu­ni­ty Cen­ter, dur­ing Fur Ball

Over­heard by: pan­darants

Drunk Asian girl: It’s al­ways time to dance in North Ko­rea.

–2nd St & Ave B

Dare We Ask about the “New Anal”?

Girl wield­ing pen: Some­times I want to write on your face.
Guy: That’s okay. Some­times I want to cum on your face.
Girl: Yeah, I know you do. I saw your porn col­lec­tion.
Guy: So sue me. But look, I’m not talk­ing about cov­er­ing your face in jizz. Just a lit­tle on the side.
Girl: A lit­tle on the side?
Guy: Like on your cheek or the cor­ner of your mouth.
Girl: I don’t think so.
Guy: You should. It’s on­ly po­lite. Es­pe­cial­ly if you like me. It’s like the new swal­low­ing.

–Fish Bar, East Vil­lage

Over­heard by: John-John