Woman with dalmatian, stuck on island mid-crossing: We don’t want to get killed on Park Avenue! We need to go to Fifth Avenue!
Dalmatian: [Silent.]Woman: Fifth Avenue only!
–92nd & Park
Archive for the ‘Upper East Side’ Category
Ma’am, Please Don’t Nurse the Seals
Chubby girl: I just went to the zoo!
Homely friend: Without me?
Chubby girl: I saw the seals! They looked like our offspring!
–Tasti D‑Lite, 3rd Ave, UES
Overheard by: alexandra
Depends on Whether I Get Everything Back
20-something girl singing: Put your cock and balls in my mouth… La-la-la.
Boyfriend: What?
20-something girl: I just think it would be fun.
–66th & 3rd
Overheard by: I wish
Are You Now, or Have You Ever Been, a Member Of the Communist Party?
20-something woman: Do you have decaffeinated tea?
Waitress: Yes.
20-something woman: Does it have caffeine in it?
Waitress: No?
–86th & York
Overheard by: Silently Amused
He Scribbles Notes in the Margarines
Girl #1: I thought it was gross that he butters his bread on both sides.
Girl #2: Ew! He butters his bread on both sides?
Old woman: Is he married or something? I mean to be that particular…
Girl #3: No, he just wants to be published.
–Shun Lee Palace, East 55th Street
Overheard by: Andrew Saint-John Goodwin
Does the Dog Ride the Short Bus to Obedience School?
Girl: How is a dog like a hairy retard?
Guy: How is a dog not like a hairy retard?
–92nd between 1st & 2nd
Overheard by: B
One of Those ‘It’s Funny Because It’s True’ Situations
Chick #1: Yeah, she totally called her a slut.
Chick #2: No way! Wow!
Chick #1: Yeah, she did.
Chick #2: Wow, that’s rough… well, actually, she is kind of a slut. I guess it’s not really an insult if it’s true.
–Sarabeth’s Restaurant, 92nd & Madison
Overheard by: Dan
The Au Jus Of Wednesday One-Liners
11 year-old boy throwing water balloon back and forth: It’s like a hymen, perfectly intact after a minor rape! (balloon is thrown to him and bursts all over him) Oh, sweet hymen juices!
–Tompkins Square Park
Eight-year-old boy to another: God, just drink your spit!
–90th St & 2nd Ave
Drunk hobo with hand-down pants: I’m not going to ejaculate! (repeats it over and over)
–D Train
Overheard by: seat changer
Blind woman to blind friend: Sweaty people suck.
–W 23rd Street
Overheard by: Cool and Dry
Little girl: I don’t like boys! They’re mean and they sweat a lot!
–2nd & Ave A
Young girl to boy: Ewwww, I’m dripping cum!
–Hester & Allen
Overheard by: lower east side
I Figure if I Wait a Decade or So, I Can Tell My Kids I Invented ‘D’oh!’
Kid #1: DY-NO-MITE!
Kid #2: DY-NO-MITE!
Kid #1: DY-NO-MITE!
Kid #2: That’s funny. What’s that from?
Kid #1: My dad made it up. DY-NO-MITE!
–103rd & Lex
Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson
Wednesday One-Liners Can Pick Up Quarters With No Hands
Girl on cell: Quite frankly, I’d rather be pole dancing.
–Bryant Park
Overheard by: braincurve
Girl: I mean, I’m a stripper, but that don’t mean I’m a ho.
–Central Park
Guy on cell: I don’t get the whole Penthouse Club thing. There are strippers, and they serve you steak? I don’t want a fucking stripper on my lap while I’m eating steak. I’ve got a knife.
–Austin Street, Forest Hills
Overheard by: Ethan
Black girl: ‘Fo real, she makes all that money dancin’, and she can’t even herself get a weave?
–86th & 2nd
