Archive for the ‘Venues’ Category

My New Wife, Wednes­day One-lin­ers

Guy: Man, you think Lee Har­vey Os­wald had good aim? You should meet my wife.

–B train

Over­heard by: Jess Is­sacharoff

Woman: Her bridal show­er was her sweet six­teen.

–F train

Queer on cell: Hi, Sweetie!…What? You got mar­ried? But hon­ey, you’re gay!

–63rd & 3rd

Chick on cell: So did I tell you about the e‑mail I got? This guy I met on-line, on Nerve–we went out on like three dates, like a year and a half ago. Yeah, so I got an e‑mail from his wife and she was like, “Yo bitch, stay away from my hus­band.” So I wrote back, “Don’t e‑mail me, e‑mail your hus­band who’s been cheat­ing on you for two fuck­ing years.”

–33rd & Park

Teen girl: Yeah, he’s re­al­ly lone­ly since his wife died 3 years ago. Now his best friend is his right hand and some skin lo­tion.

–Park Slope

Guy: Hey, how’s my wife and your kids?

–55th & Madi­son

Over­heard by: Matt

Man on cell: I ain’t try­ing to see you noth­in’. I want to mar­ry you. I’m tellin you the truth. T‑R-U-F‑F. The Truth!

–At­lantic Av­enue gas sta­tion

Over­heard by: Megan

Gate agent: You need to lis­ten to me. Don’t lis­ten to your wife. Your wife does­n’t work here.

–Newark air­port

Over­heard by: jk

Laina and Nathan (A NYC Short Sto­ry)

Man: Why’d you read all my email?
Woman: I on­ly did it once.
Man: Yeah, right. You men­tioned whether I wrote to Bar­ry about that girl from Cana­da out of the blue, where’d that come from?
Woman: Why would I lie?
Man: It’s against the law. You vi­o­lat­ed me. I’d nev­er do that to you.
Woman: You’d do it.
Man: No.
Woman: You don’t get it.
Man: I do.
Woman: Here, read my email.
Man: No.
Woman: Read mine!
Man: Laina, no!
Woman: “I liked the way you touched me af­ter yo­ga class–”
Man: Laina, it was a joke!
Woman: It’s not fun­ny.
Man: It was a joke.
Woman: You fucked her! And what about Match.com girl? You gave her your home email.
Man: Please. When was this?
Woman: Jan­u­ary. What is that? You want to screw oth­er peo­ple? Why is that?
Man: Laina…it was a joke.
Woman: Oh, and what about this? “I love the way your long hair shakes down on­to my chest. I will have to re­pay you soon.”
Man: I did­n’t pay her a dime.
Woman: Two weeks lat­er you went with me and my fam­i­ly to the Vine­yard.
Man: You have every right to be up­set. It was once, hon­ey!
Woman: You told me you loved me!
Man: It was a joke.
Woman: You don’t joke like this with some­one you used to fuck and still likes you.
Man: I did­n’t fuck her.
Woman: She still likes you.
Man: Laina.
Woman: You’re sick, Nathan! You hear me?! You’re just sick!

–Cafe Pick Me Up, Av­enue A

Over­heard by: Gideon Wal­lace

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Ride a Ves­pa

Hip­ster on cell: I’m not even buy­ing any­thing. I’m just here to be seen.

–Trad­er Joe’s

Hip­ster boy: I loves me some mas­ter race!

–Lob­by, the Met

Over­heard by: Shay­na

Tip­sy hip­ster girl: Wine is so, like, the blood of the gods!

–W 4th & Christo­pher St

Hip­ster guy: I think the most tru­ly good per­son who’s ever been on this earth was Gand­hi. Or maybe Mar­tin Luther King, Ju­nior… But he was black.

–Times Square

Over­heard by: Ghan­di was In­di­an..

Drunk chick: What kind of hip­sters are you that you won’t fuck a girl just be­cause she wants to wear a Sailor Moon cos­tume?

–St. Mark’s Pl

I Like It Bet­ter When They Talk About Star­bucks

Guy on cell: OK, well, be safe. If you get raped make sure he wears a con­dom.

–Williams­burg

Over­heard by: Daniel

Girl: Don’t let me talk to boys af­ter I take blue pills.

–31st & 2nd

Girl #1: Some­times he like to rape my ass.
Girl #2: Ew! Hee hee.

–out­side The Brook­lyn Mu­se­um

Over­heard by: Josh Neufeld

Girl #1: Well, she was raped.
Girl #2: I was­n’t re­al­ly raped.

–Ver­ti­go, 26th & 3rd

Yup­pie chick #1: Sweet­ie, you’re go­ing to get raped dressed like that.
Yup­pie chick #2: No. I have an um­brel­la.

–De­lancey & Allen

Over­heard by: Mitchell Linet­ti

Wednes­day One-lin­ers Are a Mat­ter of Opin­ion

Ethan Hawke: Man, every­body’s fat.

–Em­ploy­ees On­ly, Hud­son St

Over­heard by: mol­ly

Guy on cell: But you’re not fat in Amer­i­ca!

–Ozzie’s Cof­fee III, 5th Ave, Park Slope