Archive for the ‘Violence’ Category

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Go for the Jugu­lar

Slut­ty girl: Yeah, we were both drunk and he hit the wrong hole. I’ve been shit­ting blood for two days.

–Citi Field Sta­di­um

Gay guy: I mean… She made my dick bleed.

–St. Mark’s

Over­heard by: jax

Chick laugh­ing hys­ter­i­cal­ly on cell: I know! So much blood came out of his ears!

–Hunter Col­lege

Over­heard by: Fresh Man

Black man on phone: This car was ripped in half, they had to cut this dude out with the jaws of life, he come out bleed­ing from his eye sock­ets and shit. (pause) So you wan­na meet up lat­er?

–Willough­by & Van­der­bilt

Was­n’t This a Teen Movie?

Teen girl to friends: I’ve heard that they un­leash packs of Rot­tweil­ers here at night.
Friends: What?
Girl: Yeah, to keep peo­ple from just hid­ing in here and sleep­ing, or what­ev­er. Be­cause it’s so big and they can’t cov­er the whole thing… Packs of Rot­tweil­ers cov­er­ing the woods… (friends gasp)

–New York Botan­i­cal Gar­dens

Tell That to Sarah Jes­si­ca Park­er

Dude #1: So I’m to­tal­ly fight­ing with Mark–
Dude #2: You mean phys­i­cal­ly fight­ing, or meta­phys­i­cal­ly fight­ing?
Dude #1: Meta­phys­i­cal­ly. But does it make a dif­fer­ence?
Dude #2: Well, dude, you can’t get punched in the face, meta­phys­i­cal­ly.

–West 3rd & Mer­cer

Over­heard by: Dev Nille

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Get Their Mouths Washed Out with Soap

Glee­ful lit­tle boy: We will, we will fuck you! We will, we will fuck you! [Bursts in­to gig­gles.]

–1 train

Over­heard by: caitlinj

Guy: I mean, I was­n’t ex­pect­ing be­ing fucked, ei­ther!

–55th & 8th

Over­heard by: Mari­ah

Guy on cell: You know what? Cleo fucked you, so fuck it — we’re fucked.

–For­est Hills

Tough guy with five-year-old: Hey, bud­dy! Don’t fuck­ing push me! I’ve got my fuckin’ kid here!

–1 train

Over­heard by: wba

His­pan­ic la­dy with stroller, on cell: Moth­a­fuckin’ [Span­ish]… Fuckin’ ass­hole [Span­ish]… Son of a [Span­ish]… Fuckin’ moth­a­fuckin’ [Span­ish]… Bun­ny rab­bit [Span­ish]… Fuck.

–7th Ave, Park Slope

Over­heard by: Mike N (does­n’t speak Span­ish)

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are Car­ry­ing Low

Guy: I had to yell at her and tell her that she could­n’t be preg­nant — I mean, dude, that was last week.

–St. Marks & 3rd Ave

Preg­gers to male friend: And that ass­hole came up and body-slammed me on the train plat­form! Of course, every­one was look­ing at me like I’m the an­i­mal. How can you body-slam a woman who’s sev­en months preg­nant and not feel bad?

–D train

Over­heard by: Jan­nine Ram­lochan

Preg­gers to la­dy push­ing to get to cup­cake ta­ble: La­dy, I am four months preg­nant. Get­ting be­tween me and those cup­cakes is a re­al­ly, re­al­ly good way to lose an arm.

–Mag­no­lia Bak­ery

Snot­ty ac­tress: Oh my gosh, she is such a good writer for my act­ing type. Her script is so like, like — preg­nant with promise.

–14th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Emil­ia

Girl on phone: No, I can’t have sex with you. Be­cause then if I got preg­nant I’d have to be like, ‘Whose ba­by is it? Well, let’s see — is it black, white, brown…?’

–Grand Cen­tral Sta­tion

British moth­er to young son: Do you know what I had to eat when I was preg­nant with you, Bill? Buns! Buns! Buns! Buns! That’s why you’re mad about buns. [To daugh­ter] And that’s why you like brown things.

–Var­ick & King St

Young woman to friends: And she keeps get­ting preg­nant, and I’m like, ‘Stop it, woman!’

–Co­lum­bia cam­pus

Over­heard by: Ch­eney

It’s All Greek to Me

Busi­ness­guy: It’s a small world.
Busi­ness­chick: Es­pe­cial­ly in As­to­ria!
Busi­ness­guy: Ha, ha, ha!
Busi­ness­chick: Hee, hee.

–Mid­town of­fice

Maybe Mom Got a Head Wound in Iraq, or Some­thing

Lit­tle kid: Hey, mom, look! You can see the moon!
Ghet­to mom: Shut up! You can’t see no moon when the sun out. Sit down ‘fore I bust yo lit­tle ass!
Lit­tle kid: But I can see the moon!
Nice old­er la­dy to kid: You’re right, hon­ey. You can see the moon when the sun is out. The moon is bright be­cause of the sun.
Kid to mom: See, I told you I could see the moon?
Ghet­to mom: That bitch lyin’!

–A Train

Over­heard by: in­no­cent mta cus­tomer

My New Wife, Wednes­day One-lin­ers

Guy: Man, you think Lee Har­vey Os­wald had good aim? You should meet my wife.

–B train

Over­heard by: Jess Is­sacharoff

Woman: Her bridal show­er was her sweet six­teen.

–F train

Queer on cell: Hi, Sweetie!…What? You got mar­ried? But hon­ey, you’re gay!

–63rd & 3rd

Chick on cell: So did I tell you about the e‑mail I got? This guy I met on-line, on Nerve–we went out on like three dates, like a year and a half ago. Yeah, so I got an e‑mail from his wife and she was like, “Yo bitch, stay away from my hus­band.” So I wrote back, “Don’t e‑mail me, e‑mail your hus­band who’s been cheat­ing on you for two fuck­ing years.”

–33rd & Park

Teen girl: Yeah, he’s re­al­ly lone­ly since his wife died 3 years ago. Now his best friend is his right hand and some skin lo­tion.

–Park Slope

Guy: Hey, how’s my wife and your kids?

–55th & Madi­son

Over­heard by: Matt

Man on cell: I ain’t try­ing to see you noth­in’. I want to mar­ry you. I’m tellin you the truth. T‑R-U-F‑F. The Truth!

–At­lantic Av­enue gas sta­tion

Over­heard by: Megan

Gate agent: You need to lis­ten to me. Don’t lis­ten to your wife. Your wife does­n’t work here.

–Newark air­port

Over­heard by: jk