Young woman: I really want a boyfriend who is mean, who can say that, “I’m gonna kill him” and then looks down at his hand, and that laughs.
Older woman nods.
Young woman: You know, like those villians in movies with that grin, not the crazy ones who laugh but the ones who grin.
–NYU gym locker room
Woman: Who do you think would win a fight between Ann Coulter and Maureen Dowd?
Man: A fight?
Woman: Yeah, you know, a death match.
Man: I’m gonna go with Ann Coulter.
Woman: You think? They both wear long, spikey heels. They could put each other’s eyes out pretty fast.
Man: But Ann Coulter would be like, “Rock on, I’m in a death cage!” And Maureen Dowd would be like, “Wait, what am I doing in a death cage?”
–Alt.Coffee, Avenue A
Girl: Like, my grandmother got stabbed with an ice pick by her brother. And then they were estranged for years.
–Bobst Library, Washington Square South
Thuggette to random Latina girl: That’s right, keep walkin’ bitch! I’ll throw yo’ ass in the trash right ’bout now!
Thug: Can’t we act civilized just for like, five minutes?
Thuggette: Fuck you, nigga!
–Times Square Subway Station
Overheard by: Tim
Father-of-the-year: My son. He came home with a swollen eye. I asked him why and he said another boy hit him. I asked him if he hit him back and he said, ‘No.’ I asked him why and he said, ‘Because that would hurt him.’ So I said, ‘He’s hurting you, isn’t he?’ So I told him to hit him back. That’s how the world is. Do you think when he starts going to school he’ll catch on?
–53rd & 6th
Hard hat meathead: Hey man, I haven’t seen you since that time you hit that guy in the face with a wrench!
–LIRR — Long Beach to Penn Station
Evander Childs graduate: Oh, you went to Spellman? I think I beat up a kid from Spellman.
–125th & Lenox
Angry man on cell: Tell her that if she walks in the wrong direction again, I am going to punch her in the fucking face!
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Marissa
Guy: Dude, I’ve totally had girls ask me to give them bloody noses before sex.
–5th St between 1st & 2nd
Overheard by: MMS
Girl: There were these spiders on her so the guy she was with gave her a good beating all over.
–1 train
Overheard by: arachnophile
Mother: When I’m so old that I think it’s okay to wear a fanny pack, please just set me on fire and walk away.
Chick: Okay.
–Brooklyn Heights Promenade
20-something woman on cell: Did I tell you mom got into a fight with a raccoon again? (pause) Yeah, I know, our mom is totally going to die of rabies.
–Starbucks, West Village
Overheard by: Vaccinated for rabies
Guy to another: Flap your wings baby, just flap your wings!
–Broadway
Woman, shouting at no one in particular: You know I’m unstoppable! I’m like an ox!
–1 Train
Overheard by: Rose Fox
NYU girl: My mother was like, “what would you do with a giant inflatable turkey?” and I was like, “what wouldn’t you do with a giant inflatable turkey?”
–3rd Ave & 14th St
Overheard by: Mickey
Customer: Got anything to kill a mouse?
Clerk: Hammer!
Customer: Yeah, tried that.
–True Value Hardware Store, Carroll Gardens
Overheard by: I Prefer A Circular Saw
Black lady to coworker: Girl, I got me a real bad paper cut this afternoon. Hurt like a bitch! I swears, a real bad paper cut hurts more than actually being stabbed.
–M3 bus
Overheard by: Mooka
Chick on cell: I can’t decide if I want to fuck you or push you into oncoming traffic on the BQE.
–51st & Lex
Young girl to young guy: I don’t know you yet, so you can’t hit.
–Union Square
Overheard by: So happy to have finally overheard something worth submitting!
Guy on cell: Yeah, I got a fuckin’ ass whoopin’ for him on lay away, though.
–36th & 8th
Overheard by: Jenn
Crotchety old man: The best part was when his daughter stabbed him in the neck with scissors.
–Outside AMC, Times Square
Overheard by: Max Wastler
Woman, 40s: …so I was like, no man can get away with that! I won’t let him get away with that! So I decided to leave him. I took my clothes, my jewelry, and my money, I didn’t need no more than that…are you listening to me? So I packed my bags, took my jewelry, his jewelry, my money, his money, and left $5 on the dresser–leave him broke, right? And then before I left, he was sleeping? And you know, the muscle still works even when he’s sleeping (there’s kids around but y’all know what muscle I’m talking about). So I did what I had to do, right, and then I took the superglue and stuck it right to his stomach. I glued that shit down. I rubbed it all over his hair down there, too. Got him good. Neighbors told me he had to go to the hospital, get that shit surgically removed.
–4 train
Overheard by: Anna
Hat Tip 🎩 to The Marketing Scientist
