Archive for the ‘Violence’ Category

$50 Says Mo Would Take That Scarecrow Out

Woman: Who do you think would win a fight between Ann Coulter and Maureen Dowd?
Man: A fight?
Woman: Yeah, you know, a death match.
Man: I’m gonna go with Ann Coulter.
Woman: You think? They both wear long, spikey heels. They could put each other’s eyes out pretty fast.
Man: But Ann Coulter would be like, “Rock on, I’m in a death cage!” And Maureen Dowd would be like, “Wait, what am I doing in a death cage?”

–Alt.Coffee, Avenue A

Wednesday One-liners Bring It

Girl: Like, my grandmother got stabbed with an ice pick by her brother. And then they were estranged for years. 

–Bobst Library, Washington Square South

Assault and Wednesday-One-Liners

Father-of-the-year: My son. He came home with a swollen eye. I asked him why and he said another boy hit him. I asked him if he hit him back and he said, ‘No.’ I asked him why and he said, ‘Because that would hurt him.’ So I said, ‘He’s hurting you, isn’t he?’ So I told him to hit him back. That’s how the world is. Do you think when he starts going to school he’ll catch on?

–53rd & 6th

Hard hat meathead: Hey man, I haven’t seen you since that time you hit that guy in the face with a wrench!

–LIRR — Long Beach to Penn Station

Evander Childs graduate: Oh, you went to Spellman? I think I beat up a kid from Spellman.

–125th & Lenox

Angry man on cell: Tell her that if she walks in the wrong direction again, I am going to punch her in the fucking face!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Marissa

Guy: Dude, I’ve totally had girls ask me to give them bloody noses before sex.

–5th St between 1st & 2nd

Overheard by: MMS

Girl: There were these spiders on her so the guy she was with gave her a good beating all over.

–1 train

Overheard by: arachnophile

Lions, and Tigers, and Wednesday One-Liners — Oh My!

20-something woman on cell: Did I tell you mom got into a fight with a raccoon again? (pause) Yeah, I know, our mom is totally going to die of rabies.

–Starbucks, West Village

Overheard by: Vaccinated for rabies

Guy to another: Flap your wings baby, just flap your wings!

–Broadway

Woman, shouting at no one in particular: You know I’m unstoppable! I’m like an ox!

–1 Train

Overheard by: Rose Fox

NYU girl: My mother was like, “what would you do with a giant inflatable turkey?” and I was like, “what wouldn’t you do with a giant inflatable turkey?”

–3rd Ave & 14th St

Overheard by: Mickey

Advisory: These Wednesday One-Liners Contain Graphic Violence

Black lady to coworker: Girl, I got me a real bad paper cut this afternoon. Hurt like a bitch! I swears, a real bad paper cut hurts more than actually being stabbed.

–M3 bus

Overheard by: Mooka

Chick on cell: I can’t decide if I want to fuck you or push you into oncoming traffic on the BQE.

–51st & Lex

Young girl to young guy: I don’t know you yet, so you can’t hit.

–Union Square

Overheard by: So happy to have finally overheard something worth submitting!

Guy on cell: Yeah, I got a fuckin’ ass whoopin’ for him on lay away, though.

–36th & 8th

Overheard by: Jenn

Crotchety old man: The best part was when his daughter stabbed him in the neck with scissors.

–Outside AMC, Times Square

Overheard by: Max Wastler

Someone Get Him a Manpon, STAT!

Woman, 40s: …so I was like, no man can get away with that! I won’t let him get away with that! So I decided to leave him. I took my clothes, my jewelry, and my money, I didn’t need no more than that…are you listening to me? So I packed my bags, took my jewelry, his jewelry, my money, his money, and left $5 on the dresser–leave him broke, right? And then before I left, he was sleeping? And you know, the muscle still works even when he’s sleeping (there’s kids around but y’all know what muscle I’m talking about). So I did what I had to do, right, and then I took the superglue and stuck it right to his stomach. I glued that shit down. I rubbed it all over his hair down there, too. Got him good. Neighbors told me he had to go to the hospital, get that shit surgically removed.

–4 train

Overheard by: Anna