Archive for the ‘Waitresses’ Category

You Can Take the Woman out of Georgia, but You Can’t Take the Spit out of Your Coffee

Waitress: Hi, sweetie, how are you?! Can I get you some more coffee, sweetie? Sweetie, you look like you’ve had a rough night, can I get you something else?
Queer looking up at waitress for a silent minute: Darling, I really hope this is your first day, ’cause clearly you are not skilled in the art of serving New Yorkers. I don’t know how they do things down South, but here in the city you ask us what we want, you bring it to us, and you walk away. You don’t make small talk, you don’t ask what’s wrong, and you sure as fuck don’t call us ‘Sweetie.’ Get it?
Waitress: Well, screw you! I don’t need to sit here and listen to some bratty–
Queer, clapping: –Yes! Just like that! Except next time, instead of ‘Screw you,’ I’d say ‘Fuck you.’ Much more effective. Now, may I please have a cup of coffee? Thanks, Georgia.

–Chelsea diner

Usually There’s a Gruelling Application Process

Queer: I am not paying for the appetizer, because it came out at the same time as our entree and it should have come out before.
Ghetto waitress: You have to pay for it, because I brought it out.
Queer: Well, when you don’t get money for it don’t be alarmed!
Ghetto waitress: You’re lucky you even got your food!

–Diner, 51st & 9th

Overheard by: Rich

Wednesday One-Liners Call the Hotline Every Week

Teen girl, despairingly: If they ever find out a way to bring people back to life, I’m going to kill myself!

–14th St Subway Platform

Overheard by: yoncto

Blonde on cell: Don’t send me stupid things about how you want to stab yourself in the heart. It’s inconsiderate.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Confabulation Nation

Hipster: I’m so stressed out right now; if I was going to NYU, I would’ve jumped out of a building.

–City College

Overheard by: Damn Right!

Guy on cell: You took them with alcohol? [Pause.] Wait, let me get this straight, you took all of them, then you got drunk? Yeah dude, that is just suicide.

–Elevator, Saks Fifth Ave

Old waitress: Were you here the time Jimmy crucified himself?

–Manhattan Restaurant, Greenpoint

Overheard by: chris

Disgruntled Latina to friend: And I told her bitch: “Kill yourself, you don’t even know how to smoke right!”

–4 Train

Dried-Up Spinal Fluid Is So 1994

Customer: So, what’s new? Been a while…
Waitress: Not much. Kind of a weird day, though. [The owner] was in here with his kid earlier, though, and he was doing E.
Customer: Wow.
Waitress: ‘Wow’ is right. I mean, seriously — who does E anymore?

–Pizza Shop, Mott St, Soho

It’s Like She Doesn’t Think It’s Our Business!

Waitress with thick accent: Jennifer Lopez, she pregnant again?
Hostess with equally thick accent: Yes, think so.
Waitress: She never tell anyone!
Hostess: I know, she keeps secret.
Waitress: She go on the talk show. They ask her all the questions. “Are you going to have a baby?” All she do is laugh. She just laugh! She never says anything! She never answers!

–Lindy’s Resteraunt

Overheard by: Chloefron

Only One of Us Can Wear the Pants in This Relationship

Bartender: This is so weird, but you just can’t tell anyone. I don’t know what to do about Fred*. I had a few people over on Friday, and when everyone left my pants were missing. So I had everyone over again on Sunday, and I left the drawer with my pants closed. He goes to the bathroom and comes back with a huge bulge in his trousers, and my drawer is open and I am missing a pair of pants.
Waitress: So what are you gonna do?
Bartender: From now on I only buy skirts.

–Nation, 45th & 5th

Overheard by: Barely swallowed my drink