Archive for the ‘Waitresses’ Category

Usu­al­ly There’s a Gru­elling Ap­pli­ca­tion Process

Queer: I am not pay­ing for the ap­pe­tiz­er, be­cause it came out at the same time as our en­tree and it should have come out be­fore.
Ghet­to wait­ress: You have to pay for it, be­cause I brought it out.
Queer: Well, when you don’t get mon­ey for it don’t be alarmed!
Ghet­to wait­ress: You’re lucky you even got your food!

–Din­er, 51st & 9th

Over­heard by: Rich

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Call the Hot­line Every Week

Teen girl, de­spair­ing­ly: If they ever find out a way to bring peo­ple back to life, I’m go­ing to kill my­self!

–14th St Sub­way Plat­form

Over­heard by: yonc­to

Blonde on cell: Don’t send me stu­pid things about how you want to stab your­self in the heart. It’s in­con­sid­er­ate.

–Union Square

Over­heard by: Con­fab­u­la­tion Na­tion

Hip­ster: I’m so stressed out right now; if I was go­ing to NYU, I would’ve jumped out of a build­ing.

–City Col­lege

Over­heard by: Damn Right!

Guy on cell: You took them with al­co­hol? [Pause.] Wait, let me get this straight, you took all of them, then you got drunk? Yeah dude, that is just sui­cide.

–El­e­va­tor, Saks Fifth Ave

Old wait­ress: Were you here the time Jim­my cru­ci­fied him­self?

–Man­hat­tan Restau­rant, Green­point

Over­heard by: chris

Dis­grun­tled Lati­na to friend: And I told her bitch: “Kill your­self, you don’t even know how to smoke right!”

–4 Train

Dried-Up Spinal Flu­id Is So 1994

Cus­tomer: So, what’s new? Been a while…
Wait­ress: Not much. Kind of a weird day, though. [The own­er] was in here with his kid ear­li­er, though, and he was do­ing E.
Cus­tomer: Wow.
Wait­ress: ‘Wow’ is right. I mean, se­ri­ous­ly — who does E any­more?

–Piz­za Shop, Mott St, So­ho

It’s Like She Does­n’t Think It’s Our Busi­ness!

Wait­ress with thick ac­cent: Jen­nifer Lopez, she preg­nant again?
Host­ess with equal­ly thick ac­cent: Yes, think so.
Wait­ress: She nev­er tell any­one!
Host­ess: I know, she keeps se­cret.
Wait­ress: She go on the talk show. They ask her all the ques­tions. “Are you go­ing to have a ba­by?” All she do is laugh. She just laugh! She nev­er says any­thing! She nev­er an­swers!

–Lindy’s Rester­aunt

Over­heard by: Chloe­fron

On­ly One of Us Can Wear the Pants in This Re­la­tion­ship

Bar­tender: This is so weird, but you just can’t tell any­one. I don’t know what to do about Fred*. I had a few peo­ple over on Fri­day, and when every­one left my pants were miss­ing. So I had every­one over again on Sun­day, and I left the draw­er with my pants closed. He goes to the bath­room and comes back with a huge bulge in his trousers, and my draw­er is open and I am miss­ing a pair of pants.
Wait­ress: So what are you gonna do?
Bar­tender: From now on I on­ly buy skirts.

–Na­tion, 45th & 5th

Over­heard by: Bare­ly swal­lowed my drink