Archive for the ‘Waitresses’ Category

Your In­sults Are All Dead, Miss

Host­ess #1: So the day af­ter he dumped me, he bought me a copy of The Latin Sex­u­al Vo­cab­u­lary.
Host­ess #2: And this is why clas­si­cists should nev­er be al­lowed to meet one an­oth­er.
Host­ess #1: Yeah, now I know ten ways to say “fuck you, ass­hole” in Latin.

–Boat Basin Cafe, W. 79th Street

Sad­ly, It Was a Spinach Sal­ad

Wait­ress: Would you like soup or sal­ad with that?
Loud queer: I’ll have the sal­ad, if it’s clean.
Wait­ress: [Silence.]Loud queer: Who’s mak­ing the sal­ad?
Wait­ress: Jonathan.
Loud queer: Oh, if Jonathan’s mak­ing it, then it’s clean. I’ll have the sal­ad.

–Mudd, 9th Ave, be­tween 1st & 2nd St

“…but hold the cheese!”

Serv­er: Oh no, not you again! Whatch­oo want?
Cus­tomer: ‘tal­ian col’ cut.
Serv­er: Whatch­oo want on it?
Cus­tomer: I said ‘tal­ian col’ cut!
Serv­er: Whatch­oo want on it?
Cus­tomer: Damn ba­by, I want you on it!
Serv­er: Shit, you would­n’t even know what to do with me!
Cus­tomer: Damn ba­by, I eat that shit!

–Bed-Stuy deli