Non-smoker to guy offering smokes: No, thanks — I’m trying to quit.
Smoker: What do you do about the cravings?
Non-smoker: Well, when I get a craving I just dip instead.
–Wall St
Overheard by: dakota
Archive for the ‘Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport’ Category
Home Is Where You Hang Your Wednesday One-Liners
Saleswoman to customer on busy day: Some days you really should just stay at home. You’re cranky.
–Macy’s, Herald Square
Loud black lady on cell: Mothafuckah, I ain’t no one-night stand. If you think you can fuckin’ call me at 10:30 to 11:00 at night and fuckin’ pull me out of my home with my kids, then you must think I’m some other… [whispers] bitch.
–Mail room, Financial District
Woman on cell: Good, that way she won’t be able to beat on anyone else’s house guests! Let her sit at home and beat on her own house guests!
–M14 bus
Overheard by: Eyeteeth
Conductor: Jessica! Jessica! Girl, you on this train. Jessica Elizabeth! I’m taking you home, girl.
–6 train
Overheard by: fridaholic
Why the Economy’s in the Shitter: Explained.
Wall Street suit #1: Dude, in this economy it’s our duty to be good advisors to our clients.
Wall Street suit #2, chuckling: Dude, you just said “doodie.”
–Nassau & Liberty
Overheard by: Megz
This Always Happens When You Listen to Maya Angelou
Older man hugging younger man: Wassup, my nigga?
Younger man: Dad, cut it out. We’re white.
–Leonard & Lafayette St
Overheard by: Big Larry
Or More Of a Leisure Activity?
Lawyer’s, interviewing prospective jurors: Have you or anyone in your family been the victim of a crime?
50-something woman: Well, we’ve all been mugged… is that a crime?
–New York Supreme Court
Overheard by: Robin
The Au Jus Of Wednesday One-Liners
11 year-old boy throwing water balloon back and forth: It’s like a hymen, perfectly intact after a minor rape! (balloon is thrown to him and bursts all over him) Oh, sweet hymen juices!
–Tompkins Square Park
Eight-year-old boy to another: God, just drink your spit!
–90th St & 2nd Ave
Drunk hobo with hand-down pants: I’m not going to ejaculate! (repeats it over and over)
–D Train
Overheard by: seat changer
Blind woman to blind friend: Sweaty people suck.
–W 23rd Street
Overheard by: Cool and Dry
Little girl: I don’t like boys! They’re mean and they sweat a lot!
–2nd & Ave A
Young girl to boy: Ewwww, I’m dripping cum!
–Hester & Allen
Overheard by: lower east side
Stealing — Genius!
Suit #1: First we’ll get his 40 thousand dollars, then we’ll fire him.
Suit #2: Oooh — okay!
–Tribeca
Overheard by: JEK
Saviors: Gotta Catch ’em All!
Teen boy #1: You should be a Pokemon for Halloween.
Teen boy #2: Like Jesus?
–Chambers St.
That Means He Knows How to Get Women
Boss guy: I’ll meet you at Seebo at 5:30.
Design guy: Um…I think it’s pronounced “Chee-bo.” C‑I-B‑O. It’s Italian.
Boss guy: What do I know? I’m a Viking.
–Office, Hanover Square
Overheard by: R.S.
Medsday One-Liners
Radiology nurse: I have been asked out before. But never while giving a barium enema!
–Radiology Medical Office, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Paper
Doctor on cell: I have to get oriented as to the location of those cadavers!
–3rd Ave, Near Cabrini Medical Center
Older doctor to younger doctor in a group: You actually tried to get a dermatology consultant to come in the middle of the night? That was pretty dumb. You know those guys wouldn’t get out of their Shea butter body wraps unless the world was ending.
–Kings County Emergency Room
Suit to lady friend: If you really wanted to smoke crack you’d go to the hospital!
–Nassau St & Ann St
Overweight girl to female friend: Wanna play gynecologist?
–St. Mark’s Place
Overheard by: Sarah Booz
