Archive for the ‘Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport’ Category

The Au Jus Of Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

11 year-old boy throw­ing wa­ter bal­loon back and forth: It’s like a hy­men, per­fect­ly in­tact af­ter a mi­nor rape! (bal­loon is thrown to him and bursts all over him) Oh, sweet hy­men juices!

–Tomp­kins Square Park

Eight-year-old boy to an­oth­er: God, just drink your spit!

–90th St & 2nd Ave

Drunk hobo with hand-down pants: I’m not go­ing to ejac­u­late! (re­peats it over and over)

–D Train

Over­heard by: seat chang­er

Blind woman to blind friend: Sweaty peo­ple suck.

–W 23rd Street

Over­heard by: Cool and Dry

Lit­tle girl: I don’t like boys! They’re mean and they sweat a lot!

–2nd & Ave A

Young girl to boy: Ewwww, I’m drip­ping cum!

–Hes­ter & Allen

Over­heard by: low­er east side

Meds­day One-Lin­ers

Ra­di­ol­o­gy nurse: I have been asked out be­fore. But nev­er while giv­ing a bar­i­um en­e­ma!

–Ra­di­ol­o­gy Med­ical Of­fice, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Pa­per

Doc­tor on cell: I have to get ori­ent­ed as to the lo­ca­tion of those ca­dav­ers!

–3rd Ave, Near Cabri­ni Med­ical Cen­ter

Old­er doc­tor to younger doc­tor in a group: You ac­tu­al­ly tried to get a der­ma­tol­ogy con­sul­tant to come in the mid­dle of the night? That was pret­ty dumb. You know those guys would­n’t get out of their Shea but­ter body wraps un­less the world was end­ing.

–Kings Coun­ty Emer­gency Room

Suit to la­dy friend: If you re­al­ly want­ed to smoke crack you’d go to the hos­pi­tal!

–Nas­sau St & Ann St

Over­weight girl to fe­male friend: Wan­na play gy­ne­col­o­gist?

–St. Mark’s Place

Over­heard by: Sarah Booz

Ap­par­ent­ly My Years of In­ten­sive In­struc­tion Have Paid Off

La­dy #1: So, ap­par­ent­ly my son was over at Jessie’s house, and they were ‘touch­ing.’
La­dy #2, rem­i­nisc­ing: Oh, the pet­ting…
La­dy #1: I know, what a tramp! So any­way, Jessie’s mom was con­cerned about it, but I told my son, ‘Damn, you go boy!’

–Wall St

Over­heard by: al­so likes the pet­ting

Sad­ly Not Be­yond the Realm of Pos­si­bil­i­ty

Kid press­es call but­ton on com­muter hot­line phone.

Fa­ther: Why did you do that?
Son: I’m sor­ry. I did­n’t know what it was.
Fa­ther: If you do that again the po­lice will ar­rest you.
Son: Re­al­ly?
Fa­ther: Yes, George Bush will come and take you to jail.
Son: What?
Fa­ther: He will kill you and put your pic­ture on the Wall of Mem­o­ries [Ground Ze­ro fea­ture].

–World Trade Cen­ter PATH sta­tion