Archive for the ‘War’ Category

Just As Long As It’s Chicks Who Are Will­ing to Sleep with Me

20-some­thing hip­ster boy #1: So, you ever think that the US will stop be­ing the most pow­er­ful na­tion in the world?
20-some­thing hip­ster boy #2: Well, if not us, then who?
20-some­thing hip­ster boy #3: They say Chi­na will take over even­tu­al­ly.
20-some­thing hip­ster boy #2: Chi­na? What the hell are they gonna do, drop peo­ple on us?

–E Train

Over­heard by: chi­nese girl who sat next to them

What’s More Amer­i­can Than Wednes­day One-Lin­ers?

Guy on cell: Come on, one third of Amer­i­cans don’t pay their tax­es. I want to be one of them.

–7th Ave & Garfield, Brook­lyn

Guy on cell: Does he know where he is? This is America–this is Amer­i­ca. They makin’ ice cream every sec­ond! I don’t know what he’s com­plain­in’ about, they got chains makin’ food 24 hours a day…they even makin’ milk on Christ­mas!

–NJ Tran­sit

Over­heard by: Tess

Ob­nox­ious black guy to an­oth­er: I was watchin’ a spe­cial on tv last night talkin’ about how gays can’t be in the war! When they find out the whole Amer­i­ca is gay, we’re screwed!

–45th & 9th

Con­struc­tion work­er to an­oth­er: Hell, I could break down George Bush in a de­bate. And I’m a fuckin’ plumber! (pause) I hate my damn na­tion…

–Dunkin’ Donuts, As­to­ria, Queens

Con­duc­tor: This is the r lo­cal to Con­ti­nen­tal… For­est Hills… Queens… USA!

–R Train

Over­heard by: Mugsy’s Moll

Wednes­days Don’t Kill Peo­ple; One-Lin­ers Kill Peo­ple

Large black man on cell phone: They did the deal with the di­a­monds, then the oth­er guy got greedy and shot up the place.

–Union Ave

Over­heard by: Seth Call­away

Teen, look­ing around: Where are we? Are we pur­chas­ing il­le­gal arms?

–Turk­ish Restau­rant, Mon­tague St.

Over­heard by: Mike N

Blonde chick in pink coat, perk­i­ly: … There was no ex­it wound, and no bul­let.

–L train

Over­heard by: La­dle

Girl talk­ing to co-work­er: I live near Wall Street and there are like army men down there with ma­chine guns and it’s scary! How do I know they don’t have Touret­te’s and won’t just start shoot­ing their guns all over the place?!

–41st & 3rd

Old­er suit, calm­ly, to his two fe­male cowork­ers: I’d like to put a gun to his head and say “Nick­ie do the right thing or I will blow your fuck­ing head off.”
[His com­pan­ions nod in un­der­stand­ing.]

–Star­bucks

Calm Jew­ish fra­ter­ni­ty guy on cell: So, I’m be­ing de­port­ed and draft­ed in­to the Is­raeli army… It’s okay, I’ll name my gun af­ter you!

–NYU Wa­ver­ly Build­ing

Wednes­days Feel Vir­tu­ous When They Don’t Eat One-Lin­ers

Weird hobo: Ladies and gen­tle­man, I am a dis­abled Viet­nam vet. I’m ask­ing help from all of you so I don’t wind up on the streets. While in Viet­nam, I was ex­posed to Agent Or­ange, which caused me my disability–I be­came a veg­e­tar­i­an.

–Down­town 3 Train

Over­heard by: An Amused For­mer Veg­e­tar­i­an

Ag­ing hip­pie to woman spout­ing PE­TA pro­pa­gan­da: I’ve been a ve­g­an for 30 years. You’re em­bar­rass­ing me. Why do you do that?

–F Train

Over­heard by: AeC

Guy: Yo, I’m veg­e­tar­i­an now, I don’t eat no meat, but man I love that chick­en. That chick­en just keeps comin’ back to me!

–Man­na’s

Over­heard by: eating­in­harlem

Crazy-look­ing woman on bench: Oh my gosh, I was to­tal­ly a veg­e­tar­i­an yes­ter­day. Like lit­er­al­ly, I ate no meat.

–Cen­tral Park

Over­heard by: Meat Eater

Clue­less 20-some­thing fe­male: Do you have an­oth­er menu? I’m a ve­g­an.

–Broth­er Jim­my’s BBQ, 31st St

WOL­ing Me Soft­ly

Grand­ma to kid: It’s re­al­ly hard to kill peo­ple, you know.

–West Vil­lage

(20-some­thing sits down and stretch­es his arms out in a yawn)
Man sit­ting one seat away: If you touch my leg I’ll kill you.

–1 Train

Mid­dle-aged beef­cake on phone: Oh yeah? Well he’s not try­ing any­more be­cause he’s dead.

–42nd & Lex

Over­heard by: bildita

Suit on cell: He was a great guy, un­til he de­cid­ed to kill some­one.

–Smith & Wol­len­sky

Loud woman on pay­phone (very an­gri­ly): Well what the fuck am I sup­posed to do with her? Mau­soleum? What? What the fuck?

–96th & Madi­son

Over­heard by: grate­ful un­dead

Sev­en-year-old black boy: I’m goin’ to Iraq, to kill Oba­ma!

–125th & Am­s­ter­dam

Over­heard by: The Drum­mey

Wednes­day One-Lin­er, Huh! What Is It Good For?

JAP on cell: If more peo­ple wore glit­ter there would no war.

–Ther­a­py Store

Crazy old guy: I want a dog for pres­i­dent. You know why? Dogs don’t start wars.

–31St & Dit­mars, As­to­ria

Over­heard by: Ran­di and Patrick

(at an an­ti-war ral­ly)
Street ven­dor: Say no to war, say yes to Louis Vuit­ton!

–Mid­town

Over­heard by: Oh the irony

50-some­thing guy on cell: You see, we are a mil­i­tary agency, not a gov­ern­ment agency. (pause) So when I punched out that Home­land Se­cu­ri­ty guy, I punched out a civil­ian.

–Union Square Park

Over­heard by: Kse­nia

Eight-year-old boy: I dare you to fight in the civ­il war!

–7 Train

Do Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Mea­sure Up?

East­ern Eu­ro­pean in velour jump­suit, ap­proach­ing guy on street: Sup, cuz. Hey, re­mem­ber to give it to Ricky tonight for that thing to­mor­row. It’s a good size. Al­right, see you lat­er.

–89th & 3rd

Over­heard by: Ben A

Girl to friends: And then she was like, “yeah, let me look at you with my weird­ly over­sized eye­balls.”

–Court St., Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: iwn2000

Fe­male suit on phone: We need to get them! (pause) No! They’re too big! They won’t fit in the hole!

–Broad­way

Guy: Mas­culin­i­ty is de­ter­mined by the size of your (slight pause) army…

–Mil­len­ni­um High School

Lit­tle girl, car­ry­ing tiny stick: Look! I have the biggest stick in the world!

–Cen­tral Park

Then What’s the War on Poly­ester?

Tat­tooed man hold­ing copy of Peace­ful War­rior: What about this? I think I’d like this.
Girl­friend: Why?
Tat­tooed man: It’s about a big war or some­thing.
Girl­friend (read­ing back of DVD): No, no. It’s about a war­rior.
Tat­tooed man: Yeah, so there has to be a war if there’s a war­rior.
Girl­friend: I don’t think it’s about a re­al war, it says some­thing here about gym­nas­tics.
Tat­tooed man: Gym­nas­tics? That’s like a fag­got war or some­thing.

–Hol­ly­wood Video, Stat­en Is­land