Guy: We have to figure out a way to get rid of her bird.
Girl: I hate birds like that. They’re full of secrets and dust.
Guy: And lice and opinions.
–13th & A
Archive for the ‘We Love Our Pets’ Category
Welcome to the Wednesday One-Liner Positioning System
Girl on cell, looking for her friends: Can you see me? Look at the sun, I’m directly under it right now.
–Sheep Meadow, Central Park
Guy on cell: Yeah, we’ll go now. Okay. Right now, I’m at 116 and Hamsterdam–Hamsterdam? What the fuck did I just say? Oh, wow, that is a disturbing mental image. Yeah, exactly. River full of hamsters. Okay, see ya.
–116th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: That would be truly terrifying.
Harlem woman on cell: Come find me! I’m on the downtown side of the street!
–East Side
Drunk guy on cell: Yo, I’m on the corner of fuckin’ somethin’ an somethin’.
–42nd St & 5th Ave
Drunk on cell: Where am I? Where am I? I’m at the corner of Charles Street and motherfucking I don’t know!
–West Village
Woman to friends: Oh thank god! I feel so much safer now that we’re at 7th Avenue.
–G Train
Wednesday One-liners Spell It “Aminals”
Guy: …and he had, like, shark teeth! Three fucking rows of them! I swear.
–Fulton & Gold
How Much Is That Wednesday One-Liner in the Window?
Man eating brunch to male friend: We both came out seven years ago. We are puppy gay in dog years.
–Big Daddy’s Diner
Overheard by: Morgan
Very loving mom talking to daughter about her son: Hey! He is not an animal, he is not a dog. Well, at least not today!
–Hell’s Kitchen
Outraged woman to man: What? No! Do not put the dog in the furnace, Ted!
–Court Street
Chick with cigarette, on cell: … Leathery fetish dog-masks, or just Halloween style dog-masks?
–Outside Tagine, 40th & 9th
Overheard by: Ladle
Philosophical suit: The only reason I haven’t divorced my wife is because of the dog.
–Upper East Side
He’s a Guide Dog for the Socially Impaired
Friendly old lady: Did you see the way your dog greeted me outside? Stood right up on its hind legs to say hello! Such a sweet animal!
Middle-aged computer geek: Yes, he likes to socialize. I’m working. Enjoy.
–Starbucks, Broadway & 70th St
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
Wednesday One-liners, American Idols
Tourist: Oh my god! That’s Maggie Gyllenhaal. She’s like, actually walking down the street!
–Magnolia Bakery
Overheard by: Jessica Blackshear
JAP: Do not mention that freaking African queen and her recycled husband!
–The Prime Grill, 49th Street
Twentysomething woman on cell: I’m gonna be late because I had to walk Drew Barrymore’s dog.
–in front of American Apparel, 7th Ave
A New York Moment
A woman has a chihuahua in her purse. An old man enters the train.
Old man: Cute dog. Do you take him everywhere?
Woman: Uh huh. We saw Spider-man yesterday.
Old man: You saw Spider-man yesterday?
Woman: Yeah.
Old man: How did you like it?
Woman: Oh, you know. It is what it is.
Old man: Not that great, huh? Ha, ha. Well, take care.
The man leaves the train. The woman looks down at her dog.
Woman: That was weird.
–V Train
Nuts for Wednesday One-liners
Chris Noth: I talked to her for 10 minutes and figured out she was crazy.
–15th & Irving
Overheard by: Ameha Beyene
Plus, We Both Like Ice Cream. And the Beatles!
Bimbo #1: Yeah, I really think I like him. We get along so well. I mean, we have a lot in common.
Bimbo #2: Oh yeah? Like what?
Bimbo #1: Well, we both love pugs.
Bimbo #2: As in the type of dog? Everyone loves pugs. How can you not like pugs? They are so fucking cute.
Bimbo #1 (challengingly): Yeah? Well, how about this one? Both of our dads died in plane crashes.
Bimbo #2: Oh. My. God. You are sooo meant to be together.
–Brooklyn Bound N Train
Overheard by: totes meant to be
Might Want to Take Off Those Ankle Weights
Young lady: Fuck you, motherfucker!
Boyfriend: C’mon, baby, she dint mean nuttin’ to me.
Young lady: That’s it. You ain’t gettin’ it no more! I wouldn’t fuck you with the cat’s pussy!
Boyfriend: Alright den, the hell with you! Bye–but dem legs are gonna bring you down!
–Queens Bus Stop
