Archive for the ‘Weapons’ Category

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Up the Wa­zoo

Guy on cell: Wow! That’s a lot of cook­ies. If I had that many cook­ies, I’d put a cou­ple of them in my ass. (pause). It does­n’t mat­ter, I’ve got the space. I can’t eat that many cook­ies.

–23rd & Lex­ing­ton

Teen girl to teen boy: Un­less you want a 9 mil­lime­ter stuck up your ass­hole.

–Grand Cen­tral Ter­mi­nal

Girl on cell: Well, it’s still rec­tal.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: La­dle

20-some­thing girl to 20-some­thing guy, quite loud­ly: Yeah, but putting a met­al spike up his ass was­n’t ex­act­ly what I had in mind!

–28th St & 5th Ave

Over­heard by: Jar Aaron

20-some­thing woman: Ba­by, I think we’re go­ing to keep the Thanks­giv­ing din­ner out of my ass­hole.

–Herkimer St., Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: M. Fresh

Wednes­days Don’t Kill Peo­ple; One-Lin­ers Kill Peo­ple

Large black man on cell phone: They did the deal with the di­a­monds, then the oth­er guy got greedy and shot up the place.

–Union Ave

Over­heard by: Seth Call­away

Teen, look­ing around: Where are we? Are we pur­chas­ing il­le­gal arms?

–Turk­ish Restau­rant, Mon­tague St.

Over­heard by: Mike N

Blonde chick in pink coat, perk­i­ly: … There was no ex­it wound, and no bul­let.

–L train

Over­heard by: La­dle

Girl talk­ing to co-work­er: I live near Wall Street and there are like army men down there with ma­chine guns and it’s scary! How do I know they don’t have Touret­te’s and won’t just start shoot­ing their guns all over the place?!

–41st & 3rd

Old­er suit, calm­ly, to his two fe­male cowork­ers: I’d like to put a gun to his head and say “Nick­ie do the right thing or I will blow your fuck­ing head off.”
[His com­pan­ions nod in un­der­stand­ing.]


Calm Jew­ish fra­ter­ni­ty guy on cell: So, I’m be­ing de­port­ed and draft­ed in­to the Is­raeli army… It’s okay, I’ll name my gun af­ter you!

–NYU Wa­ver­ly Build­ing

Janie Got a Wednes­day One-Lin­er

Voice over em­ploy­ee’s walkie-talkie: Okay, I re­al­ly need those guns. Any­one who has one, I need it down in bridal.

–Bed Bath & Be­yond

Ob­nox­ious woman: So I said, “moth­er­fuck­er, I’m not your sister–I’m your cousin. So I will shoot you.”

–Up­town 2 Train

Large black man: If you ain’t got no bul­lets, you got­s­ta melee!

–23rd St b/w 5th & 6th

Over­heard by: Zach

Wannabe hip-hop­per, try­ing to sell CD: It’s clean mu­sic, and I ain’t nev­er shot no one!

–Union Square

20-some­thing guy on cell: They got no right to bring up that gun charge, it’s over ten years old!

–19th St & 6th Ave

Over­heard by: Emi­ly David­son

Dude, af­ter chat­ting to po­lice­woman: I just have a thing for women in uni­form! My mind says, “no, no, set­tle down,” and my pe­nis says, “but she’s got a gun!”

–Hud­son & Laight

These Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Will Self-De­struct in Five Sec­onds

South­ern tourist: … And, like, we all came all the way to the city, and there’s a bomb threat? I mean, we even made reser­va­tions!

–78th & Broad­way

Guy to chick: Take Al­bert Ein­stein, for in­stance. He was a small guy, and he built the atom­ic bomb… And he nuked Japan with it.

–116th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Chelsea

Mom to child as he fash­ions a bomb out of clay: Tyler, this is a non-vi­o­lent birth­day par­ty!

–Cen­tral Park

Over­heard by: Won­der­ing what a vi­o­lent one is like

Sub­sti­tute chem­istry teacher: Okay, let’s get a lit­tle sex ap­peal in here… Who knows how to make a hy­dro­gen bomb?

–Stuyvesant High

Moral­ly out­raged thugette: He mess with the wrooong girl! I will blow this whole train up!

–G train

Over­heard by: sarah

Pro­fes­sor: … And in next week’s class — how to build a nu­clear bomb!

–Ford­ham Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: Sromeo

Who Wednes­day One-Linered Mr. Burns?

Black 30-some­thing man: And she said, “Nig­ga, you wan­na fuck mah tit­ties wit a gun?”

–Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: Aman­da R.

10-year-old boy, very loud­ly, to 10-year-old girl: Oh, yeah, well…how many guns have you ever held?

–5 Train

Mid­dle aged white man in shorts: Any­one awake at 2 am should be shot!


Over­heard by: L.C.

Street per­former, try­ing to move crowd: Okay, let’s try this! White peo­ple, we are not dan­ger­ous! (lifts shirt, pats down sides) We are un­armed! Step clos­er!

–W 45th & 5th

Man on phone: Right. Right. Wait, what? (in shock) He don’t got a gun? Well, he has to have a gun! What kin­da game do you think this is?

–J Train

Army dude to friends: Peo­ple shoot at me every once in awhile. Do I get tipped? No, fuck tips!

–Ha­van­na’s Bar

And I Hate When She Ques­tions My Ho­plol­o­gy

Greek male #1: Your moth­er is up­set! She is very mad about this!
Greek male #2: She is mad at me?
Greek male #1: Yes! Be­cause you did not take care of the job.
Greek male #2: I did! I used the black knife with the big blade. The good one.
Greek male #1: Oh, very good.
Greek male #2: You are up­set. I can see it in your eyes.
Greek male #1: No, I just had a cou­ple of beers.

–Cres­cent & Dit­mars, As­to­ria

Over­heard by: Na­tal­ie