Archive for the ‘Wednesday One-Liners’ Category

What Day Do We Post Wednesday One-Liners?

Suit to security guard: Which elevator goes next door?

–1 Penn Plaza

Overheard by: Nora

Hot dog vendor: To go?

–Hot Dog Stand, 62nd & 3rd

Overheard by: Chrissy

Woman holding Dunkin Donuts mug to employee: Excuse me, can this mug hold cold drinks as well, or just hot ones?

–Dunkin Donuts, 76th & York

Woman: Crepe cafe? What do they do there? (comes closer) Ohhhh, they make crepes?

–Crepe Cafe Cart, W 50th St

Overheard by: Dianora

20-something girl to friend: What are we even walking for again?

–Strides Against Breast Cancer Walk, Central Park

Laughing, genuinely amazed Columbia underclassman: Isn’t it, like, amazing, how we know what is food and what isn’t food?

–W 114th Street b/w Broadway & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

Conductor: Next stop is…where am I?

–Uptown 1 Train

Wednesday One-Liners Throw Their Pennies Down the Well

Dude: Man, I wish I had a doorknob.

–34th & 8th

Hustler on cell: I just wish you wasn’t being all one-track-mind-your-own-business about this.

–Chinatown

Hobo: Can anybody help a disabled Navy veteran get something to eat? If you help me buy a sandwich, you’ll get a 2007 Zagat for half price. [A suit gives him money but declines the Zagat.] Okay, but I really wish someone would buy the Zagat.

–4 train

Overheard by: Fagat

Guy on cell: You just wish you were my baby’s mama!

–Staten Island Ferry

Overheard by: Elizabeth

Hipster: … So he said, ‘I wish Jesus was alive now. I’d invite him to join MySpace.com and I’d force him to be my friend.’

–Q train crossing the East River

Overheard by: Beth Smith

Wednesday One-Liners Did Coke in the ’80s

Young lady yuppie on cell: It is a perfectly normal fear to be afraid of bubbles!

–83rd & Broadway

Overheard by: KS

Yuppie chick holding hands with yuppie boyfriend: Penis, penis, penis, penis.

–Astor Place

Overheard by: sarah

Yuppie chick on cell: The thing about my ex is it’s, like, the story of ‘If you give a mouse a fucking cookie, I mean, eventually he’ll want to climb into bed with you and have you read him a fucking bedtime story.’

–Rector St

Yuppie: Let’s go find my ex-fiance and beat her up.

–46th & 8th

Wednesday One-Liners and the Political Process

Hobo: There’s a Republican in Greenwich Village! [Sirens sound nearby.] Better watch out!

–W 12th & 8th

Overheard by: nyamelia

Excited man on cell: It’s a White House colonic!

–17th & 6th

Seven-year-old girl with silent parents: Spitzer won! Spitzer won! Spitzer won!

–8th Ave, Park Slope

20-ish guy on cell: What do you mean, ‘Bush will get re-elected in ‘08’? Didn’t you go to fuckin’ grade school and learn about the two term limit on the presidency? Okay, yeah, I’ll be over for dinner tonight… Love ya, Mom! Bye!

–W 41st & 7th

Hipster dude to another: That girl told me she was a Republican, and I fucked her in the ass all night long. That was the best ass sex I ever had.

–Clinton St & 3rd Pl, Carroll Gardens

Overheard by: Terry

Customer: I’d like a grande hazelnut latte and a new president.

–Starbucks

Overheard by: Grady

Wednesday One-Liners Kinda Miss Bush’s Speeches

President: Are they de-seminating the office?…I mean decimating?

–40th & Madison Ave

Overheard by: EScrillz

Girl reading poster: The fastest… (pause) “fastest.” Is that a word?

–42nd St AMC Theatre

Overheard by: Steph

Man on cell: Yeah, well that’s what the beasting is for!

–Penn Station

Woman to friends: You know me, I say what I speak.

–Fordham Road

Frenchman trying to learn English: I was a beef with those potatoes!

–TGI Fridays, Times Square

Overheard by: CS

Hipster art student to friend: As much as…like…whatever, like.

–School of Visual Arts

Overheard by: I guess that’s English

Tourist: I feel so elated! Wait…no, I mean, “violated.”

–Uptown 3 Train

Overheard by: Sally Tempo

Wednesday XXX-Liners

Overly flamboyant gay guy on phone: There is no way he can put himself through law school doing hardcore gay porn!

–Soho

Overheard by: Anastassia

Gay boy to another: Pornstars make good money.

–L Train

Girl: He wants to make money, but all his plans involve me being in porn. You know how long it takes to make a $1000 in porn? Three months!

–Destination Bar, 13th & Ave A

Overheard by: erkala

Heavyset dude to chick watching the Olympics: So I was watching curling porn the other day…

–Lucky Jack’s bar, Orchard St.

Overheard by: Ladle

Guy to friend: I saw that girl in a porn video last night. She has a cock.

–William & Cedar

Overheard by: Laura

Wednesday Caniners

Stylish 20-something woman to overweight pug breathing heavily: Well, Winifred, you’re out of breath because you’re out of shape. (pause) No, you’re not fat. You’re voluminous. (pause) Yes, I am aware it’s not all your fault. Mummy likes to watch you eat powder doughnuts. (pause) Pugs that look like they have a coke habit are very funny for mummy, yes they are.

–Central Park

Young hipster to Labrador, as people approach: Come on! Come on! Say hello! (dog remains seated, doing nothing) God! I’ve been training him for months to talk to couples and it just isn’t working!

–Williamsburg

Woman to her dog: Don’t be an insult to your species! Act like a dog!

–10th St & Broadway

Lady to little barking dog: Shut up. This is not your sidewalk.

–Brooklyn

Wednesday One-Liners Will See You at the Ren Fair

Woman: She had sex with a dragon. She had sex with a dragon! I keep seeing her and wantin’ to ask, “Yo, how’s the dragon?”

–Ollie’s, 69th & Broadway

Overheard by: Nick Draven

Virgin-For-Life on cell: Did you vanquish the dragon?…Yo, I told you to vanquish the dragon! Dumb ass nigga. Damn.

–Gristedes, West Village

Overheard by: KoryD

Nanny to little boy: I think each country must have its own Tooth Fairy.

–5th & President, Park Slope

Overheard by: b

Hipster on cell: It’s cooler, and you’re a vampire. Ok, I get it.

–6th St & 1st Ave

Easy, Breezy, Beautiful: Wednesday One-Liners

Woman on phone: So, should I continue not being a whore or should I go get an emergency Brazilian?

–Lexington Ave & 58th

Girl to friend: No, I can’t do tomorrow afternoon. I am getting waxed for the weekend. Just in case.

–3rd Ave & 80th St

Salesgirl to customer: You so have an exfoliating face!

–Sephora, 57th & Lexington

Overheard by: Amanda

Creepy hobo on payphone: So, you’re doing your nails? Mmmmmm…

–Bleecker & Thompson

Overheard by: Thompson

Girl with pounds of makeup on: Yeah, I’m going on lunch right now. I am so exhausted, I did five makeovers today. Yeah, I am so tired…I had a butch.

–Elevator, Macy’s

Overheard by: K Melv

Thug: All I want is a mani-pedi.

–72nd & Central Park West

Overheard by: wb

High-Motility Wednesday One-Liners

Professor: Skeet is when a man pulls out of the vagina or anus and has an orgasm on the man or woman. It’s also come to refer to the ejaculate itself.

–NYU classroom

Woman on cell: Nice. I just realized I’ve been wandering around with doughnut glaze stuck to my cheek like dried cum.

–44th & 8th

Sex ed teacher: The penis can’t urinate and, um, spermate at the same time.

–Berkeley Carroll School, Park Slope

Overheard by: i believe it’s ejaculate

Man on cell: I hired you to be a fucking porn director, not to make some artsy documentary! I mean, she’s supposed to get that on her face!

–Times Square

Woman to her Grizzly Adams-like companion: But, honey, you don’t have any sperm!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Marissa

Guy on cell: Yeah, I called the sperm bank and told them your test came back positive… Yeah, they said it was no big deal.

–114th & Amsterdam

Dude on cell: I just ordered some soup and am drinking tea, so we’re on the same page. Except about cum, it seems.

–Office, Midtown

Overheard by: Argopelter