Archive for the ‘Wednesday One-Liners’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Get Some Pussy

Hipster chick with “valley girl” accent: Ya, like, ohmigod, ewwwwww… So I was reading Cosmo, and like, there was this story, about like, guys’ confessions, you know? And like, this random guy actually said, like, “Sometimes, I rub my dick on my cat’s fur, and it feels good.”

–Washington Square Park

10-year-old girl to another: I bet his idea of a hot girl is the crazy cat lady across the street.

–34th St, Astoria

Overheard by: Samantha

Woman to another: I have a friend in Belgium now–we both have cats!

–One World Financial Center

Overheard by: macgeekgrl

Brunette on phone: Do you want to play with your cat or do you want to play with me?

–60th St b/w Park & Madison

Overheard by: Adam B.

20-something on cell: And when I woke up, I had no idea where I was. Then I realized I was spooning his cat.

–Houston & Broadway

Overheard by: J Cox

Use a Wednesday, So You Don’t Get One-Linered Up

Man helping woman carry stroller down stairs: If you had taken the bloody pill when you said you were taking it, we wouldn’t be in this mess in the first place.

–Broadway-Lafayette B/D/F/V Station

Overheard by: Jon A.

Man walking with girlfriend, loudly: Wait, did you bring your diaphragm?

–Times Square

Loud woman on cell: How many times do you have to have sex, and have a baby, before you realize: “If I have sex without a condom I will get someone pregnant.”? Seriously!

–Broadway & 103rd St

Overheard by: Amy

Guy on phone: I always tell people that sex with you with a condom is better than sex with other girls without a condom.

–Outside Trader Joe’s, 14th St

Zoo guide: This zoo likes to be careful with breeding animals by taking into account genes and the like. But then again, Zippy–the baby snow monkey–came along. So be careful with your birth control.

–Central Park Zoo, by the Snow Monkeys

Girl to another: I just don’t see why we can’t make our own condoms.

–14th St & 4th Ave

Rest in Peace, Wednesday One-liners

Anorexia on cell: Oh, she died? From what?…Oh, that’s horrible. Well, everyone has to die somehow.

–Coffee shop, Madison & 79th

Overheard by: Julz

Cab driver: Are you trying for die, bitch?

–Taxi, Houston & Broadway

Overheard by: Aaron Brumer 

Girl on cell: …and they took me to a psychic and the psychic said I’m, like, dead inside and that I have nothing going for me.

–Broadway & Broome

Guy: I’ll tell you what: I’ll kill myself, you don’t have to bother.

–47th & 5th

Woman on cell: Girl, you know I only gotta do two things: stay black and die. And I’m doing that real well. Staying black, I mean.

–Karavas Place ladies’ room, W. 4th Street

Girl: Oh, so I forgot to tell you about my ex who died last year. He drowned…this is a good story.

–World Financial Center 

La Cage Aux Wednesday One-Liners

Queer on cell: And then, at the end of the evening, I was like, ‘Ta ta, motherfucker.’

–PATH train from Hoboken

Queer: There’s no such thing as gay and straight. I think of it more in terms of what people will let me do to them.

–101st & Broadway

Queer: She is so annoying. I’m like, ‘I’ll pay for your coffin, just die already!’

–E train

Overheard by: Miss Meliss

Flaming queer on cell: Hello? Are you listening to me? Are you listening, faggot? Faggot, faggot, faggot, faggot!

–Broadway & Astor Pl

Overheard by: Renee B.

Proud queer: Today was the first time in years I peed like this! [Holds hands up] Didn’t have to wash my hands because I didn’t use ’em!

–Fordham University, Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Hametuka

Queer: Her name is Dakota! It’s just awful. Her parents hate her.

–Fordham Law School

Overheard by: emily

Lions, and Tigers, and Wednesday One-Liners — Oh My!

20-something woman on cell: Did I tell you mom got into a fight with a raccoon again? (pause) Yeah, I know, our mom is totally going to die of rabies.

–Starbucks, West Village

Overheard by: Vaccinated for rabies

Guy to another: Flap your wings baby, just flap your wings!

–Broadway

Woman, shouting at no one in particular: You know I’m unstoppable! I’m like an ox!

–1 Train

Overheard by: Rose Fox

NYU girl: My mother was like, “what would you do with a giant inflatable turkey?” and I was like, “what wouldn’t you do with a giant inflatable turkey?”

–3rd Ave & 14th St

Overheard by: Mickey

The Niceties of Wednesday One-Liners

Angry man yelling into pay phone: Do you know what extortion is? Yeah? Well, it’s not nice.

–Polish resturant, Brooklyn Heights

Bus driver: To all the nice people who didn’t curse at the bus driver, thank you.

–Bx 8 bus

Overheard by: You’re Welcome

Woman collecting money for Coalition for the Homeless: Now, you have a nice day, sir! I don’t wanna tell you have a nice day, because you’re a horrible person! You should be giving me money, but you ain’t and you’re going to hell! But I’m a good person, so I’m going to say have a nice day anyway! Have a nice day, ladies. Shalom!

–42nd & Broadway

Overheard by: Michelle Smith

Homely redhead: I started dating this new guy, and that’s really good because I haven’t dated anyone in over a year. We’ve been on two dates and he’s married and he’s really nice.

–60th & 5th

Dude: He’s a nice guy. If you cross him he’ll tie your ears together and slingshot boxes of wine in your face.

–Bleecker

Chick: She is a nice girl! Completely crazy.

–67th St stop, Queens

Wednesday One-liners Need Anger Management

A car, stuck in traffic behind a garbage truck starts blowing its horn loudly and insistently. A nicely dressed lady shouts: Shut the fuck up, you moron! Haven’t you ever seen a garbage truck before? Fucking moron tourists.

–W. 4th & Perry

Bouncer: Next white boy lays hands on me, I’m gonna fuck him up. 

–West 3rd & MacDougal

Overheard by: Todd Seavey

Girl on cell: Yeah, well tell her I hope she gets a bladder infection!

–Hot Bagels, Staten Island

Overheard by: Renee 

Chef: As much as I like her, if she raises her voice at me one more time, I’m gonna fucking smack her.

–Park Slope

Old guy: Move, you drug addicted heathens! You’re all a bunch of sinners. Polluters!

–50th & 6th

Overheard by: Jeff Rigby 

Man on cell: Dude, why did we draw straws this morning?…Do you have any idea how much cat food costs?! That was my rent money!…Well, kick out the new guy! 

–Union Square Park

A guy waiting to turn left across traffic leans out the window to scream at the clueless Ohio driver who is not moving in front of him: Hey Cleveland! That’s the only shade of green we got!

–57th & Park

Overheard by: Joan Quinn 

Chick on cell: Damn old ladies. Like, maybe Gandhi was wrong and the answer really is punching people in the face? 

–D’Agostino’s, 110th & Broadway

Overheard by: djlindee

Advisory: These Wednesday One-Liners Contain Graphic Violence

Black lady to coworker: Girl, I got me a real bad paper cut this afternoon. Hurt like a bitch! I swears, a real bad paper cut hurts more than actually being stabbed.

–M3 bus

Overheard by: Mooka

Chick on cell: I can’t decide if I want to fuck you or push you into oncoming traffic on the BQE.

–51st & Lex

Young girl to young guy: I don’t know you yet, so you can’t hit.

–Union Square

Overheard by: So happy to have finally overheard something worth submitting!

Guy on cell: Yeah, I got a fuckin’ ass whoopin’ for him on lay away, though.

–36th & 8th

Overheard by: Jenn

Crotchety old man: The best part was when his daughter stabbed him in the neck with scissors.

–Outside AMC, Times Square

Overheard by: Max Wastler

Wednesday One-Liners Hit the Bottle

Woman on train yelling to one who didn’t make it: I’m still not giving the baby back!

–1 train

Overheard by: ana

Pregnant teen: Yeah, I smoked weed with her, and the next thing I heard she had a crack baby…

–6 train

Overheard by: Hoping her baby isn’t a crackhead…

Hipster on cell: So, how’s your baby? What? Oh, I heard you got knocked up!

–10th & Broadway

Overheard by: Evan

Bus driver to another: … And I was like, ‘How do you forget your baby on the bus?!’

–Astor Pl

Overheard by: Elliott

Woman: Oh my god, I was in the other elevator and this lady was going in with a crib. I didn’t know she had a baby! So I stepped in front of her and the crib thing… I totally was in my own world and didn’t mean it, but they kicked me out of that elevator, so now I’m here.

–Crowded elevator, BPC South End Ave

Chick to friend: If she had never aborted that baby me and him woulda never got together, ’cause I don’t fuck with niggas with kids. Fuck that shit.

–L train, Montrose Ave stop

Overheard by: Emily

Henceforth to Be Known as the “Ironyvator”

Guy #1: Get out of the way! You’re in the walking lane and
people are trying to pass.
Guy #2: What walking lane? Only an idiot would walk on an elevator. People who walk are idiots.
Guy #1: This is called an escalator.

–Grand Central

Overheard by: Nicole Victoria

Girl: Let’s take the stairs.
Guy: But the stairs are so…leg-oriented.

–Tisch School of the Arts

Guy: It’s like a conveyor belt for miserable people.

–Penn Station