Archive for the ‘Wednesday One-Liners’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Have a Big Endowment

Girl: We can’t become gay just to fit in at this school!

–NYU

Passer-by: I pay $40k a year for school, and that makes me better than you.

–NYU, Tisch

Overheard by: Dan Lurie

NYU girl at party: My parents are actually really into civil liberties.

–NYU Dorm

NYU chick to friend: I love coke! (passing white lady gives her a strange look) I meant the drink, not the drug, lady! Jeez, I’m a minority student at fucking NYU! You think I can afford a coke habit??

–8th & University

Overheard by: Melissa Perez

Gay NYU student, rolling around on the ground in student lounge: I am obsessed with the ground. I mean, who’s going to judge me? There’s like six million Asians here and none of them are gay.

–Tisch Hall, NYU

Mother, pushing crying two-year-old in stroller: They’re never going to accept you here if you keep screaming!

–NYU Admissions

Overheard by: Sam

Wednesday One-Liners Support the Repeal of the Estate Tax

Filthy rich lady: Darling, you must get a private jet. We just don’t fly commercial anymore.

–Armory Art Show, 66th & Park

Saleswoman: Well, you can’t really compare a 16-hundred-dollar haircut to a 15-dollar one.

–C.O. Bigelow, 9th & 6th

Overheard by: Joey Gillis

Yuppie teen in wheel: Dude, we should totally start hanging out with public school kids. Not the ghetto ones, but, like — you know, the cool ones.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Eri

Little brat: But Mo-ooom, seven hundred dollars is not that much for a pair of shoes!

–89th & Broadway

Overheard by: Maddi

Old suit: You should really make at least a hundred grand a year to live in Manhattan. You know, la crème de la crème . And if you can’t deal with that you should move to Jersey City with the Indians and the Asians.

–Theatre lobby

Sorority girl: No, it’s not like that. It’s just, like, he’s from Greece… And there’s, like, not a lot of rich people there…

–13th & 1st

Overheard by: Heather

Old lady employee : Oh, I want to be adopted by a nice rich family!

–F.A.O. Schwartz

Overheard by: fao

Wednesday One-Liners Burp the Worm

Teen girl: If you want to lose weight, watch a lot of porn. I’m serious, if you watch porn, you won’t have to eat for hours. Oh, and masturbating burns a lot of calories, too.

–Brooklyn

Very upset drunk hobo, after conductor announces last stop: Your kickin’ all these people out to wait for the next train, just so you can jerk off?

–Bowling Green Station

Street dancer: Everyone on earth was born as a result of an orgasm. Everyone masturbates. And if they say they don’t, they’re lying. Even the Pope masturbates!

–Union Square

Irish dude, throwing tea to the ground: It’s not right, man! Asshole masturbated in my tea!

–Outside Starbucks

Teen thug: I wanna pleasure myself while writing an essay, what’s the problem with that?

–Q Train

Overheard by: Robert G.

Dude, You’d Steal the One-Liners Off a Wednesday

One-armed cracked-out dude to equally cracked-out girlfriend: And he’s lookin’ at me like he ain’t never seen nobody stealin’ before!

–Maria Hernandez Park, Bushwick

Overheard by: matthias

Drunk man to random girl on street: I mean, I stole this girls’ shoelaces, and then she got really mad at me…

–2nd Ave & 4th St

Comedy show peddler: Who wants to buy some stolen shit? (pause) Nah, just kidding, who wants to see a comedy show?

–Times Square

Overheard by: Ali

Woman with pink hair to friend: Fuck that bitch, she still stole my clothes when I was in jail.

–6 Train

Overheard by: Renny

Man to woman, about his father: Yeah, he was so great, so smart… A drug addict. He was always there for me. Like, if I needed something, anything, he’d go steal it for me. That’s what sticks with you, you know?

–1 Train

Overheard by: RDM

Wednesday’s Too Sexy for Its One-Liners

Thug: Yo, baby! You so sexy! You look just like Ugly Betty!

–26th & Lex

Overheard by: Myrtle

Wandering popcorn vendor : Popcorn! Get your sexy popcorn here!

–Shea Stadium

Overheard by: Mets Fan

Ghetto mom to young sons: Where my sexy glasses at?!

–W 96th St & Central Park West

Overheard by: Megan W.

Teen thugette: You know who sexy? Mickey Mouse. That nigga sexy!

–Q11 bus, Queens

Jogger: I’m checking out my shadow to see how long my hair is in the back — it’s fuckin’ sexy!

–Central Park

Man: I love sexy cheese. I love sexy cheese!

–Outside Fordham University

Overheard by: …sexy cheese?

The Man Who Boned Grandma (NYC Short Stories)

Tourist grandpa: I’m going to sit here. Do you want a snack?
Tourist grandson: Sure.
Tourist grandpa: Here’s some money. Go over there and buy yourself something. And if you can find somebody nice, ask where we can get some cheesecake. 

–Greeley Square

Overheard by: Nick Turner 

Hasidic boy: Poppola, I heard a rumor that when a cow gets a cut from the milking machine, and blood gets in the milk…they have to turn it into chocolate milk, so people won’t know it’s there.
Hasidic grandpa: We should be so lucky!

–4 train

Overheard by: Raden Mutter

Wednesday One-Liners As Portrayed by Steinbeck

Hobo, after playing keyboard and screaming Christmas carols: Ladies and gentlemen, if you have any change I would greatly appreciate it. It would be going to a good cause — I need a lot of therapy.

–L stop, Union Square

Overheard by: sunny maguire

Crazy hobo to no one: It’s the Hudson River — it moved! On Christmas day, it will be April 15th. Sign my petition.

–M15 bus, Ave A

Overheard by: Getting off at next stop

Hobo: I’ll be your lover for a month if you buy me a motorcycle.

–79th & Broadway

Hobo to puddle: You don’t fucking know, man. Shit. You don’t fucking know.

–Penn Station

Homeless woman at 11 in the morning: I’m sorry to bother you all. I am homeless, and I haven’t had a decent meal since earlier today.

–F train to Brooklyn

Overheard by: I hadn’t had a decent meal at all at that time

Hobo to hobo friend: Yo, let me get your e‑mail!

–W 27th St

Wednesday One-Liners Reach Maximum Occupancy

Professor: All the buildings in Florence are five stories high, because they were built before elevators, and that’s how many stories you can walk up with groceries before you die.

–Fordham University

20-something tourist girl to family, about subway: It’s like an elevator, but opposite.

–N Train

Bimbette: I, like, ran into them in the elevator and they, like, literally gang-banged me.

–Astoria

20-something woman: Do you think he ever found out I didn’t fall down an elevator shaft?

–F Train

If You Can’t Do the Time, Don’t Do the Wednesday One-Liners

Woman: I can’t believe it. I just can’t believe I’m being charged in connection with this crime. I mean she’s the one – she’s the one who committed manslaughter.

–Elevator, Macy’s

Cashier girl: You know, we haven’t gotten robbed in a while. I can’t believe it!

–Blockbuster, 94th & Broadway

Man: If I had anything to say him it would be this: prison is going to be hard on you because fraud is a crime!

–E train platform, 14th St

Overheard by: Cameron Rose 

Dude: I’m just glad to be off the FBI’s Most Wanted list. 

–Bleecker & MacDougal

Guy on cell: Guess who I interviewed today? This guy got sent to jail twice for sodomy…I had to call him back after I read that…But at least he’s not, like, a thief or something. I bet those two tear drops were for the guys he fucked.

–Union Square

Overheard by: confabulation nation

20-Something guy: It wouldn’t look good on your job application if you got arrested.

–5th Ave

Overheard by: Kathy 

Cop, arresting a man: I understand that, but you know it’s not really about being a good guy or being a bad guy. It’s about you taking that nice woman’s wallet.

–Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: SUSAN