Archive for the ‘Wednesday One-Liners’ Category

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Get Schooled

Pro­fes­sor: So what do we know about these debt notes?” (si­lence) So what do *I* know about these debt notes, that ob­vi­ous­ly you don’t know?

–NYU Law School

Over­heard by: Ames

Pro­fes­sor: My fa­vorite words to hear are “just do noth­ing.” My sec­ond fa­vorites are “open bar.”

–Col­lege of Mount Saint Vin­cent, Bronx

En­vi­ron­men­tal his­to­ry pro­fes­sor: Look at some of the items on this menu from a ho­tel of Chica­go Thanks­giv­ing din­ner from 1872: loin of buf­fa­lo, an­te­lope steak in mush­room sauce, ham of bear, black tail deer, leg of moun­tain sheep, buf­fa­lo tongue… Miss Palin, your ta­ble is ready.

–Class­room, Ford­ham Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: Mar­tin Van Nos­trand

Lin­guis­tics pro­fes­sor, about Span­ish-speak­ing fam­i­lies who live in Span­ish-speak­ing neigh­bor­hoods: The on­ly Eng­lish these peo­ple hear is from their land­lords and so­cial work­ers.

–NYU Sil­ver Cen­ter

Over­heard by: Lat­ka Hero

NYU pro­fes­sor: So we’re go­ing to be walk­ing, and you’ll no­tice I walk pret­ty fast. But we’re in New York, and you’re sup­posed to walk like you know ex­act­ly where you’re go­ing in life and noth­ing is in your way. Be­cause if you slow down you’ll get mugged. (beat) It’s dog eat dog, peo­ple.

–NYU Class­room

Russ­ian lit­er­a­ture pro­fes­sor: Oh my god, you just to­tal­ly missed the point of Je­sus!

–NYU Class­room

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers for Pride Week, Part II

Guy: If I’m go­ing to swal­low sperm it has to be for love. That’s just how I feel, man.

–Out­side the Win­ter­gar­den The­ater

Over­heard by: Dawn-Kate

Club-hop­per: I don’t like that bar. But it’s a good scene if you want a 700-pound gay Re­pub­li­can sit­ting on your face.

–Ty­phoon, 18th & 8th

Over­heard by: Se­bas­t­ian White

I See Lon­don, I See France, I See Wednes­day’s One-Lin­ers!

Blonde: So, I woke up and Jes­si­ca’s un­der­wear was still on my head…

–P.S. 1, Queens

Drunk dude on cell: I want to take the blue panties you left at my place and wear them on my face! … I said I want to wear your blue panties on my face!

–Grand Cen­tral

Chick on cell: I do have un­der­wear in my purse in case I need it.

–113th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: La­dle

La­dy to son: Well, it is nev­er ap­pro­pri­ate to ask a woman about her un­der­gar­ments.

–20th & 8th

Hoochie: He of­fered me 10 dol­lars for my un­der­wear, but I would­n’t do it.

–St. Mark’s & 1st

Over­heard by: Ni­na

You Can’t Judge a Wednes­day by Its One-Lin­er

Col­lege stu­dent: This is the best Barnes & No­ble I’ve ever seen!

–Bor­ders, Time Warn­er Cen­ter

Stu­dent: So, the au­thor of the Tao Te Ching, Lao-low… Fuck it, we’re call­ing him L‑train.

–Eu­gene Lang Col­lege

Over­heard by: Hark­er

Large woman with friends: Oh, girl, I got to tell you about this book I’m read­ing. It’s off the hook! They’re send­ing in this un­der­cov­er agent, and I think it’s his sis­ter, but he’s all get­ting ready to have sex with her!

–White Cas­tle, 36th & 8th

Over­heard by: Dun­can Pflaster

Woman on phone: I was in Union Square, so I stopped in Barnes & No­ble. (pause) Nig­ga, I can read!

–Union Square

Lit­tle British boy: Oh my good­ness, dad, look! They have books on dat­ing. How to Date? is prob­a­bly like, “Don’t take her to Mc­Don­ald’s!”

–Barnes & No­ble

Over­heard by: Lau­ra

Tat­tooed art­sy guy, putting hand on art­sy Asian girl’s shoul­der: I read your book and re­al­ly liked it… lot­ta piss­ing, huh?

–Mott & Prince

The Sum Of All Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Woman on cell: And when my broth­er got near him, his poop came out. That’s how scared he was.

–107th & Broad­way

Woman on cell: So yeah, they are re­al­ly scary, like if you walk in the house they will bark re­al­ly loud, and that’s to­tal­ly worse than them bit­ing you.

–Ma­jes­tic The­ater

Girl on cell: I went in for ge­net­ic coun­sel­ing and I found out things that scared me.

–10th Ave & 39th St

Over­heard by: Todd Fletch­er

Girl on cell: No, you can’t go! I’m too stoned and too scared. Just stay on the phone with me, please.

–Su­per­mar­ket, As­to­ria

Con­duc­tor: Nev­er fear! The phan­tom of the train is here!

–7 Train

Over­heard by: Alex

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers: So Life­like!

Girl: If I made a sex doll that smelled like elk, he would to­tal­ly do it!

–Queens

Mid­dle-aged Lati­no: I’ve got bar­bie dolls!

–Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Con­fab­u­la­tion Na­tion

News­pa­per ven­dor: Cause I have that mul­ti­ple sneez­ing thing! I hate that crap! I’m like a bob­ble-head doll!

–96th St & Madi­son Ave

Over­heard by: Galatea

Girl leav­ing nail sa­lon: It looks like Mal­ibu Bar­bie just threw up all over my feet.

–11th St & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Bill

De­spon­dent lit­tle girl in cof­fee shop: Um, I don’t play with the doll house that much be­cause you said we’re not sup­posed to play in the med­i­ta­tion room.

–Car­roll Gar­dens, Brook­lyn

He­m­or­rhoidal Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Girl on cell: Hon­ey, they zapped my ass­hole.

–Out­side Tribeca Grand Ho­tel

Girl to friends: There’s this boy in my class, and his name is Ash-oh-lee, but it’s spelled A‑S-S-H-O-L‑E, with an ac­cent on the E… His ma­ma named him Ass­hole!

–Bus, be­tween 77th & 76th

Over­heard by: It’s a Jer­sey thing

Queer on cell: Tell him that if his ass­hole tin­gles, he’ll know I’m near.

–Franklin & Broad­way

Hobo: It does­n’t take a ge­nius to see it. He’s a flam­ing ass­hole who needs to be spanked.

–Times Square

Over­heard by: i wish i was a tourist some­times

Man to friend: He’s a fuckin’ ass­hole… Even in a wheel­chair he’s a fuckin’ ass­hole!

–9th St & 2nd Ave

Chick: Oh, he’s much bet­ter than any oth­er guy I’ve dat­ed… He’s not an ass­hole, he’s not Type A… My on­ly prob­lem with him is that he’s not de­pressed enough.

–Amore’s Piz­za, 14th St

Over­heard by: dues

Damp, De­li­cious Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Man on cell: Is your vagi­na swelled to the same de­gree as my pe­nis is swelled?

–Union Square

Over­heard by: Say­Wh­h­haat

40-ish guy on cell: So, did she show you her vagi­na?

–43rd & 3rd

Black guy on cell: This is why I nev­er beg for pussy!

–Spring St & 6th Ave

Over­heard by: Emi­ly B

Girl: My vagi­na is the Lin­coln Tun­nel.

–NJ Tran­sit, Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: Ja­son Kru­ta

13-year-old boy to teen girl: I mean, the pussy’s good, but it ain’t that good.

–Ja­maica-bound E train

Over­heard by: Rhon­da hearts Queens

Chick on cell: I don’t know why I lis­tened to you. It hurt. A lot. My vagi­na feels like it’s on fire. I’m nev­er do­ing that again.

–92nd & 3rd

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers for Cele­bre­tards

Young black guy to an­oth­er: You know, Oba­ma is to pol­i­tics what Richard Sim­mons is to ex­er­cise.

–PATH Train

Guy stand­ing out­side bar: And she was like, “What, like Gary Cole­man?” and I’m like, “No, not like fuck­ing Gary Cole­man!”

–4th & 10th

Girl to boyfriend: Well, Tom Green on­ly had one tes­ti­cle. It’s to­tal­ly fine.

–E 11th St

Over­heard by: j

Suit on cell: And I was like, “Fuck you, Ryan Cabr­era”!

–Bed­ford & 6th St

Black girl on cell: I told you, we’re like the Paris Hiltons of Liberia.

–Bor­ders, Wall St

Over­heard by: step

Guy (af­ter tak­ing pic­ture with Je­re­my Piv­en): Damn! I can’t put this on My­Space. I’m wear­ing the same shirt I wore when I met Chazz Palminteri!

–Out­side Bar­ry­more The­atre

Over­heard by: Pasta…Salad