Archive for the ‘Wednesday One-Liners’ Category

If the Wednesday Fits, One-Liner It

Young thug to friends: Stop, stop, stop! Stop, seriously, stop. C’mon, I’m not kidding! Seriously. I have shoe phobia!

–Metro-North Rail

Guy with shoe in hand, catching up to woman who lost it: Here you go, Cinderella!

–Manhattan Mall

Overheard by: thorn

Manager of ladies’ shoe store: It’s easy to close. You put the hooker boots–all this hoochie stuff, with the hooker boots, you put the flats with the flats, you put the day shoes with the day shoes. Now, Narnia over there is another story…

–Macy’s

Overheard by: Sarah R

Chick to guy: If you buy me Jimmy Choos, I’ll have your baby.

–Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: Lets hope she’ll have the baby anyway…

Four-year-old girl stepping out of taxi: Mommy, can we go online to buy shoes today?

–Upper West Side

Overheard by: …wow.

Wednesday One-Liners–Easy As 1, 2, 3

Conductor: This is 72nd St. Stand clear of the closing doors. B train. B for “brighten up your day” train. (at the next stop) Folks, this is 59th Street, and just like magic we are now an express train. B express train. Stand clear of the closing doors.

–B Train

Overheard by: ryder

Train conductor: You can transfer to the M as in “money,” the N as in “Nick,” and the R as in “Romeoooooo!”

–D Train

Guy on cell, giving directions: So you take the D line… No, D as in “David.” D! D! A, b, c, d! (pause) No, D. Okay…then you walk down to Hoffman Street… Hoffman Street, as in “Dustin Hoffman.” He’s that actor, with a big nose, that you really like, the one that’s in that movie about your life…yeah…yeah! He’s a cross-dresser! Tootsie! That’s you, bro!

–Arthur Ave

Overheard by: eternal student

Creepy old man to creepy friend: We should be on the V. V for “vagina”. We’re on the F. F for “fuck.”

–Downtown F Train

Overheard by: CL

Conductor: There is no C train like “Charlie” all weekend. The D train like “Dick” is helping us out. I probably shouldn’t have said that. It’s okay, you’ll overlook that when I tell you that this A train will keep its express status.

–A Train

Overheard by: Nay

Wednesday One-Liners Sock It to Me, Sock It to Me, Sock It to Me, Sock It to Me…

Ghetto black woman to four-year-old son: The ice ain’t gonna respect you, you gotta respect the ice, nigga.

–Grand Central

Overheard by: Steven

Obnoxiously loud drunk guy: I need a girl who will respect my receding hairline!

–Virgil’s, W 44th St

Overheard by: Check, please!

Thugette: I’m just going to say, “Look, I mean no disrespect, but go fuck yourself. I mean no disrespect, but just go fuck yourself.”

–6 Train

Overheard by: i mean disrespect

20-something guy to friend: Man, you don’t understand. I really respect this broad…

–35th St & Lexington

Wednesday One-Liners Are Pissed About Gay Bishops

Proselytizer: You’ve got to make sure you’re reading the King James Bible. God uses the other ones for conversion, but they’re ten percent less effective.

–Downtown 2 train

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

Mom: Look, this one’s from Jordan and Israel. That’s where Jesus is from!

–Mouse House, Bronx Zoo

Overheard by: LT$

Woman: I’m gonna give him a holy bath and all kinds of things.

–Columbus Bakery, 83rd & Columbus

Pamphlet lady: That’s why you’ve got no power! Where’s the mayor? He’s not Jesus! He’s not coming to save you!

–Penn Station

Soccer mom: …and then he asked if he could go to church with Grandma, and I said, “Well, I don’t think so, Ryan*. Daddy’s had to yell at you all night and spank you twice, and only good boys get to go to church.”

–Central Park

Overheard by: God would be proud

Hobo: The Holy Spirit will whup yo’ ass!

–Court St

Young passerby, to old man entering church: Good luck!

–48th & 8th

Overheard by: Russell Z

What’s a Nice Wednesday Like You Doing in a One-Liner Like This?

Creepster to woman with child entering train: You can sit here. There’s no reason to be standing when you have a child with you. (woman sits) Not to sound creepy, but the view was much better when you were standing.

–6 Train

Overheard by: Creeped out.

Black hobo to young white girl: If you and I got together, we could make the next Obama.

–4 Train

Overheard by: Katie

Greasy white suit to hot black chick: My name is Mark, but you can call me “The Vagina Whisperer.”

–Moe’s Bar. Brooklyn

Guy hitting on four younger girls: I’ll take you home and we can do something weird… I’ll pour honey all over you. Then I’ll put you in the closet and let loose 200 bees in there with you! Or, we could do sexy-weird! I’ll pour butter all over you, and I’ll make toast, and I’ll wipe the butter off your back with it!

–1 Train

Older fat man yelling at attractive young woman: Hey bay! You’re beautiful! Look at me! You don’t want to say hi? (spreads his arms) Hey, come on, look at me. I’m Tony Baloney.

–Broadway & Hewes, Brooklyn

Wednesday One-Liners and the Pooper-Scooper

Hipster to her dog: You know, you really are the best pooper I know!

–Prince & MacDougal

Overheard by: Yann

Woman to dog: Why do you always have to pee on your paws? Oh, honey… Do not pee on your feet!

–12th St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Thompson

Hispanic guy to his dog: What are you do–? Why don’t you listen to me? What the hell — didn’t I tell you that is bad?!

–98th & Lex

Overheard by: Laughing my ass off

Queer to his yappy dog: No, no, no! You’ve already peed on that. You’ve peed on everything!

–28th St & 8th Ave

Woman to dog in baby talk: Yes, other people’s poo makes me very happy, yes!

–48th St & 9th Ave

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

Wednesday Puts Its One-Liners on One Leg at a Time

Guy on cell: In a wig, with his pants down, watching her from his car.

–33rd St, Astoria

Overheard by: Ferna

Teen to another: Barack Obama said, “pull your pants up!”

–Broadway & 72nd St

NYU girl: I wanna do it, and I wanna do it in my pants box.

–Weinstein Hall, NYU

Border’s employee to man sleeping in chair: Sir, could you please wake up? …and also zip up your pants.

–Borders

Guy on phone: Well, I guess I thought you might be kind of gay after you invited me to that “no pants” party.

–Astoria

Assault and Wednesday-One-Liners

Father-of-the-year: My son. He came home with a swollen eye. I asked him why and he said another boy hit him. I asked him if he hit him back and he said, ‘No.’ I asked him why and he said, ‘Because that would hurt him.’ So I said, ‘He’s hurting you, isn’t he?’ So I told him to hit him back. That’s how the world is. Do you think when he starts going to school he’ll catch on?

–53rd & 6th

Hard hat meathead: Hey man, I haven’t seen you since that time you hit that guy in the face with a wrench!

–LIRR — Long Beach to Penn Station

Evander Childs graduate: Oh, you went to Spellman? I think I beat up a kid from Spellman.

–125th & Lenox

Angry man on cell: Tell her that if she walks in the wrong direction again, I am going to punch her in the fucking face!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Marissa

Guy: Dude, I’ve totally had girls ask me to give them bloody noses before sex.

–5th St between 1st & 2nd

Overheard by: MMS

Girl: There were these spiders on her so the guy she was with gave her a good beating all over.

–1 train

Overheard by: arachnophile

Make Womb for Wednesday One-Liners

Suit on phone: I don’t think she knows. (pause) But it’s just a night job! (pause) No, there’s no way I’m pregnant. (pause) Why not?! Because I’m a man, goddammit!

–Starbucks

Woman on cell: So remember that time I thought I had that miscarriage?

–Grand Concourse & Fordham Road

Overheard by: Erica S

Slightly overweight girl: Thank you for the offer, sweetie, but I’m not pregnant. I’m just fat!

–M100 Bus

Overheard by: Tinathetiny

Tall girl on cell: No way! I thought *you* were going to impregnate *me*. I wanna have *your* children.

–Prince & Broadway

Overheard by: Ken Paprocki

Wednesday One-Liners Like to Move It, Move It!

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are being delayed by a stalled train directly behind us. We hope to be moving shortly. Once again, ladies and gentlemen, we are being delayed by a train directly behind us. Thank you for your patience.

–6 Train

Overheard by: little_pooh_1

Conductor: The bathrooms on this train are located four cars from the rear; count four cars as you move forward from the end of the train. Forward is the direction the train is traveling in.

–Metro-North Railroad

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, the next and last stop on this train is Jamaica. If you want to go somewhere, we’re probably not going there… unless it’s Jamaica, but that’s highly unlikely. Jamaica, next and last stop!

–LIRR

Overheard by: Christian

Train conductor: This is Times Square, 42nd Street. Transfer is available to any train you could possibly imagine.

–Uptown Q Train

Train conductor, stalling train: Luis Garcia, could you please step off the train? The cops is lookin’ for you… We will not move the train til Luis Garcia steps off the train. Luis?

–2 Train