Archive for the ‘Wednesday One-Liners’ Category

One Life to Wednesday One-Liner

Five-year-old boy to father: Is this an important life lesson?

–14th & 6th

Overheard by: A

Young Asian man to woman ignoring him: Hey, let's go get a falafel. Hey, hey–you live around here often?

–Union Square

Overheard by: serena

Woman, throwing McNuggets at man: Get the fuck out of my life!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Elliot

Frantic crazy guy: I'm gonna go have a seat in Starbucks and get my life together!

–6th Ave & 25th St

Overheard by: tbomb

Suit on phone: Well that's life, you screw people over and then you go to the Bahamas.

–Train into Penn Station

It Depends on Whether She Swallows

Girl #1: Aw, he sent me a message that says “Sweet dreams, gorgeous.”
Girl #2: Hmm. Isn’t that what they say to Mafioso girlfriends before they slit their throats and throw them in the East River?

–Morningside Heights

Overheard by: djlindee

Yuppie #1: …and it’s not just because she’s a chick.
Yuppie #2: Yeah, it’d be the same if she were a dude.
Yuppie #1: Totally! And it’s not because I really like to work, because I don’t.
Yuppie #2: Totally!

–Dock’s Oyster Bar, 40th & 3rd

Overheard by: Greg Rutter

Wednesday One-Liners Died for Our Sins

Hipster: So I was walking down the street, and I saw Jesus, and then I was like, ‘Hey, how’s it going, Jesus?’

–Union Square

Overheard by: Kanad

Subway preacher: The ocean is full of water. Jesus changed water into wine. It’s all good. Michael Jackson called it ‘Jesus Juice.’

–Rockefeller Plaza subway

Overheard by: G-Lime

Queer: I replaced my imaging of Jesus as a transvestite serial killer to an image of Jesus as a militaristic terrorist…

–1 train

Queer to another: I think Jesus loves Halloween.

–23rd St, between 7th & 8th

Overheard by: adam

20-ish guy: Let me get this straight — it’s spelled like ‘Jesus,’ but it’s pronounced ‘Hey-Seuss’? That’s just weird.

–49th & 8th

Overheard by: JoBell

Bible thumper: Ladies, you may see a handsome man and think to yourself, ‘I want him to be my sugar daddy.’ Oh, yes! And he becomes your sugar daddy, and he takes you to Macy’s and he buys you a crock pot. Oh, yes! But then later he beats you with that crock pot. Oh, yes! Then you realize that it is not he who is your sugar daddy, it is really Jesus Christ who is your sugar daddy! Oh, yes!

–4 train

Wednesday One-Liners Hang Weird Shit on Their Mirrors

Cab driver, getting cut off: Yeah, drive like you want that cheeseburger!

–Columbus Circle

Cabbie: I got in some trouble and my wife threw all my clothes out of the house. I never realized how many clothes I have! I know New York streets better than my own closet! (laughs)

–Cab, Broadway & Houston

Cab driver to colleague who just honked after he stopped for a pedestrian: What, you want me to kill him?

–Battery Park

Middle Eastern cab driver: I used to have a video store in Washington Heights. But the black bastard put me out of business! Can you believe it? After ten years the black bastard put me out of business! Do you now the black bastard on Dyckman? C'mon! Everybody knows the back bastard! Black bastard! Black bastard video!

–Cab, Washington Heights

Overheard by: Gene Gray

Cab driver: When you drive for ten hours a day, you learn that over 50% of drivers are, how do you say it…stupid.

–Queens

Overheard by: Fiasco

Under the Influence of Wednesday One-Liners

Drunk Santa to drunk female Santa: I didn’t know what to do! I don’t know anything about kids!

–Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: James

Tipsy LI teen to friend buying LIRR ticket: Is the machine gonna give you a bunch of Sacajaweas? … Dude… Sack-a-ja-wee-wee! She’s gonna be all up in your piece!

–LIRR

Overheard by: pri

Drunk girl sobbing to another: You’re my opposite! You’re my everything!

–Sala One Nine

Overheard by: And I’m in the fifth dimension…

Drunk man: My penis can touch my asshole!

–12th & 3rd

Drunk girl: You know what would be really weird and sort of pointless? A life-size map.

–12th & 2nd

Drunk white guy to passerby: He act like is my fault that I’m drunk.

–39th & 8th

Overheard by: How odd is that

Smooth As a Wednesday One-Liner’s Bottom

Girl: So, I saw this woman using her baby as a weapon, and I was like, ‘I don’t think you should be using your baby like a weapon.’

–LIRR

Overheard by: Gaby

Woman on cell with her man: Daaamn! Your baby-mama be cock-blockin’.

–F train

Girl: I don’t want AIDS, I just want his baby!

–Queens

Blue collar Yankees fan about father’s car, to friends: I never did nothing to that car… ‘cept I burned a cigarette hole in the seat. I did do that. But nothin’ else. I drove that car like a baby.

–E train

Overheard by: John G

Preggers on cell: I’m in labor right now, but it’s okay because I told the baby that they have to wait a while. I still need to eat, and I want to take my time and enjoy this meal. Any child of mine can come after.

–Ecco, Chambers St

The Unbearable Lightness Of Wednesday One-Liners

Rastafarian man to white basketball female player with dreads: Hey! Why you white people always trying to look like me!

–Union Square

Black guy selling Empire State Building tickets: You're from Scotland? I love the Scots… They're puuuuuuurrreee white!

–Outside Empire State Building

Black woman to another, about frat guys nearby: Man, white people are so loud.

–109th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Becks

Black hobo to white teen: Get out of this neighborhood with your white crotch! You don't belong here!

–Upper West Side

Black woman to cops walking away: But I'm a Caucasian!

–Bed-Stuy

Wednesday Two-Timers

Guy to buddy: It’s not cheating if it’s underground.

–Prince & Elizabeth

Overheard by: emilia

Man on cell: Yes, darling… I miss you, too… Can’t wait to wrap myself around you again… You are so hot… Oooh, yeah, you make me crazy… Hold on a sec, I’ve got a call coming in [looks at phone]… Shit! It’s my wife. Lemme call ya right back.

–JetBlue terminal, JFK

Overheard by: Big Larry

Crazy guy to train: Does anyone know how I can convince my wife that I won’t cheat on her?

–F train

Overheard by: tko

20-something on cell: I genuinely think we’d be a good match, except for the whole being married and cheating on his wife thing.

–49th & Rockefeller Plaza

Hispanic girl: You should send him a card that says, ‘Congratulations on marrying the girl you cheated on and dumped for me and then got back together when I dumped yo’ cheatin’ ass for someone way better.’

–6 train

Wednesday One-Liners?

Girl: Is it spring that makes the cherry blossoms bloom, or the cherry blossoms that make spring bloom?

–Hunter College cafeteria

Overheard by: Traczie

Tourist chick looking at subway map: Is the Irish pub on here?

–6 train, Grand Central

Overheard by: Dee Phunk

Woman on cell, looking at directions: Numbers go up, right?

–23rd & 6th

Overheard by: V

Tourist girl: Manhattan is an island?! Is it a man-made island?

–N train

Overheard by: Sirius

Chick to friend: What religion is Buddha the king of?

–Central Park

Blonde: Why haven’t they just fixed the economy already?

–L train

Overheard by: widdershawns

Wednesday One-Liners Need a Pamprin

Woman: When it’s a tampon, you can stick it anywhere.

–59th St

Overheard by: Rich

Woman on cell: …and then this big glop of bloody goop came out, and so I reached into the toilet and squeezed it to make sure it wasn’t a baby…

–13th & Broadway

20-Something chick: My shit bled like it’s never bled before.

–Elevator, 57th & 6th

Overheard by: Matt

Mulleted queer: Imagine if Virginia Slims designed a tampon!

–Bushwick, Brooklyn

Overheard by: ‘nuther black charlie chaplin

Creative genius: Just imagine if I had a tampon gun!

–St. Mark’s

Woman on cell: Well, you can’t just go handing out sanitary napkins to everyone!

–15th & Union Square East

Loud girl on cell: Yeah, so he was going for it, and I was like, “No, baby, I can’t tonight,” and he was like, “Why?” and I was like, “I got it today,” and he was like, “Aww, then nothing for a whole week!”

–CVS, 58th & 9th

Overheard by: Kate Melvin