Archive for the ‘Wednesday One-Liners’ Category

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers for Kings Coun­ty

Schol­ar: Brook­lyn is the Paris of New York.

–Grand Army Plaza Sta­tion, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: iv­el

Crazy: Fuck Brook­lyn! I can pay for Brook­lyn on any oth­er day. Yes, that’s right — I’m a black man, and I am not go­ing to Brook­lyn. What do you know about that! And you, you’re a Jew. I’ll still pray for you. Wher­ev­er we end up, I’ll still pray for you. Fuck all you peo­ple. Ex­cept you, Jew. I love you.

–L train from 6th Ave to 3rd Ave

Over­heard by: Nash As­tor

Girl: I just don’t like liv­ing in Brook­lyn. My place is, like, four whole blocks away from Dunkin’ Donuts.

–Tena­cious D al­bum sign­ing, Vir­gin Mega­s­tore

Guy: So­bri­ety is my back, I am the camel, and Brook­lyn is the straw.

–A/C/E sub­way plat­form, Low­er West Side

Over­heard by: Ma­g­a­ret

La­dy: I like the brown eggs more than the white. Well, I have 12 at home in my fridge — it’s like Brook­lyn in there.

–15th St & Union Square West

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are a Re­al Page-Turn­er

Woman: He read a book on fist­ing, and now he wants to share it with his class.

–L train

Dude: They should have made Be­owulf in­to a book — they would have made a lot more mon­ey.

–34th & 8th

Over­heard by: Lethe­aBu

Girl: It used to be the on­ly rea­son I liked An­na Quindlen was ’cause she was blind. Now it’s like, ‘Dude, she can read?!’

–Barnard Col­lege

NYU bim­bette to stu­dious friend: Your prob­lem is that you read for all your class­es. So­bri­ety and schol­ar­ly. Those are your prob­lems.

–Star­bucks, W 4th St

Over­heard by: wine girl

Nine-year-old girl: I for­got my book, and I was sup­posed to do a re­port on it! Now what am I go­ing to do?! I’m so se­nile.

–JFK

Over­heard by: mr itchie

Book-hawk­ing hobo: … And this is my new book, ‘If You Don’t Beat Your Chil­dren, They’ll End Up Like Me’!

–6 train

Over­heard by: Zarek

Make Womb for Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Suit on phone: I don’t think she knows. (pause) But it’s just a night job! (pause) No, there’s no way I’m preg­nant. (pause) Why not?! Be­cause I’m a man, god­dammit!

–Star­bucks

Woman on cell: So re­mem­ber that time I thought I had that mis­car­riage?

–Grand Con­course & Ford­ham Road

Over­heard by: Er­i­ca S

Slight­ly over­weight girl: Thank you for the of­fer, sweet­ie, but I’m not preg­nant. I’m just fat!

–M100 Bus

Over­heard by: Tina­thetiny

Tall girl on cell: No way! I thought *you* were go­ing to im­preg­nate *me*. I wan­na have *your* chil­dren.

–Prince & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Ken Pa­proc­ki

Wednes­days Are Pro­found­ly One-Linered

Yan­kees fan to Mets friends: When we go to the Yan­kees sta­di­um I’ll be like a re­tard at a Chuck E. Cheese.

–Shea Sta­di­um

Over­heard by: Da­nial

Po­lice of­fi­cer in van, on loud­speak­er: Move to the right! (peo­ple in cars ig­nore the or­der) Re­tards! You heard me! Move to the right!

–27th St & 10th Ave

Crazy guy, rant­i­ng: You can’t have sex with peo­ple who aren’t re­tard­ed be­cause they charge too damn much!

–V Train

Over­heard by: Ryan P.

Guy to girl: I nev­er said that I was­n’t re­tard­ed. Tech­ni­cal­ly, I’m not a hyp­ocrite.

–L Train

Over­heard by: Ju­lia

Heav­i­ly made-up girl: Do you think re­tard­ed peo­ple are, like, con­cep­tu­al­ly aware that they’re re­tard­ed?

–6 Train

Over­heard by: You tell me

Girl: The idea of a re­tard­ed Jack Rus­sell Ter­ri­er is com­plete­ly for­eign to me, be­cause as I re­call, Wish­bone was ex­cep­tion­al­ly well-read.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

A Tree Grows in Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Fa­ther to daugh­ter: Girl, whatchu do­ing? You try­in’a go to cross the bridge? You try­in’a go to Brook­lyn? You want some cheese­cake? Some crack?

–Cen­tre St & Park Row

Over­heard by: Bar­ry P.

NYU so­cial plan­ner: I want­ed to get all the fresh­men out of the city for a lit­tle so I took them to Brook­lyn.

–Main Build­ing, NYU

Girl on cell: I’m not go­ing to Brook­lyn sober!

–12th & Broad­way

Woman on cell: So are you in town this week­end or in Brook­lyn?

–39th & 8th

Over­heard by: The Love­ly Miss Katie

Chick: Do you know the rules for be­ing in Brook­lyn?

–Law of­fice, 54th & 5th

Over­heard by: The le­gal in­tern

Bill Bat­son: It’s like the Na­tive Amer­i­cans all over again. Brook­lynites, we’re in­dige­nous. And now Man­hat­tan wants Man­i­fest Des­tiny.

–Van­der­bilt & Dekalb, Fort Greene, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Laris­sa Kyz­er

Lit­tle boy: I’m not go­ing to Brook­lyn! It’s stu­pid!

–110th & Broad­way

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Pre­fer Om­a­ha

Tourist: I don’t like this train line. On the L line they have bench­es so that you can kneel down and pray… And they don’t have crevices dig­ging in­to your ass and shit.

–1 train

Tourist girl: Let’s go to the Up­per Wet Side.

–Palace The­atre, Broad­way

Tourist: You haven’t been raped and stabbed ’til you’ve been raped and stabbed in New York.

–Cen­tral Park

Dude with huge back­pack, clutch­ing a map: Some­times you just don’t want to see a huge ball of twine, y’­know? It’s, like, 200 miles away. [Guy next to him nods head vig­or­ous­ly.]

–Man­hat­tan-bound L train

Mid­dle-aged tourist on cell: No, we got­ta go to Penn Cen­tral. Trust me, I know this place — we got­ta get to Penn Cen­tral.

–Penn Sta­tion

High Colonic Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Scruffy man to scruffy friend: … And then I stuck my thumb up her ass for some grip. Like a bowl­ing ball!

–34th & 6th

Over­heard by: Jared

Male stu­dent to two friends: No, they lit­er­al­ly put it in your ass!

–51st & Broad­way

Over­heard by: tin steve

Bilin­gual hip­ster skank on cell: … So I was like, ‘I don’t care if it is my shit — you were the one who want­ed to or­der the flan and you were the one who want­ed to put it up where it does­n’t be­long! Ex­it on­ly! Flan ex­it on­ly! No en­tra­da por na­da!’ … No, we just slept on the floor and left it all for house­keep­ing…

–Lob­by of W Ho­tel, Union Square

Train an­nounc­er: In the rear, if it won’t fit, don’t force it.

–2 train, 72nd St

Over­heard by: Brett

Gay man in kitchen: There’s ab­solute­ly noth­ing gay about me oth­er than the cook­ing and the clean­ing, and the tak­ing it up the ass.

–207th St, Wood­lawn, Bronx

Thug: Ba­by… C’­mon… Take that thing out of your butt and we’ll talk when I get back.

–Hobo­ken PATH Sta­tion

Over­heard by: Seph

Gui­do: You take it in the ass! You’re a 24-hour ass-tak­er-in­ner!

–Prospect Park

Over­heard by: Patrick Di Jus­to

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers, the Shep­herds of New York

Con­duc­tor: This is the last stop — Brook­lyn Bridge, City Hall. Y’all have a nice day and be good, now… But if you can’t be good, be baaad.

–6 train

Over­heard by: Paul Schroed­er

Con­duc­tor: Good morn­ing, every­body. This is your 7:15 New Haven train, ex­press to Green­wich. To in­fin­i­ty, and be­yond!

–Con­necti­cut-bound Metro-North train

MTA work­er: This sta­tion is now closed. No train is com­ing here. You all have to get out of here!

–8th St N/Q/R/W sta­tion

Over­heard by: bKSquared+AV

Con­duc­tor: Ladies and gen­tle­men, please re­mem­ber that every car of this train has four doors, so 27 peo­ple in front of one door — well, it is not schol­ar­ship ma­te­r­i­al. Let’s use our brains, peo­ple. Then you won’t have to bump your guns and com­plain that the A is nev­er on time.

–A train, 96th St

Over­heard by: Emi­ly B.

Con­duc­tor: At­ten­tion pas­sen­gers, the last two cars will not plat­form at Bellerose, ei­ther. That means if the doors did­n’t open for you at the last sta­tion, they won’t open at Bellerose, ei­ther, so stop stand­ing look­ing con­fused, and walk for­ward!

–Hemp­stead-bound LIRR

Over­heard by: Nathalie

Con­duc­tor: For those of you stand­ing in the first five cars, the back three cars are al­most emp­ty. Come sit down! I’m lone­ly back here.

–Metro-North

Con­duc­tor: And now… the mass ex­o­dus!

–F train

Over­heard by: da sarkastik nin­ja.

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Rent Bronx Butt-Sluts

Hip­ster: And I was like, ‘Okay, well, here’s some ad­vice for you, then: Why don’t you peel a ba­nana and shove it up your ass?’

–Bed­ford Ave

Sassy black girl: Man, I love anal sex! That shit puts me to sleep!

–Man­hat­tan Mall

Over­heard by: Aus­ton McLain

Girl to guy: I am not shov­ing any­thing in your hole!

–LIRR

Over­heard by: mish

Mid­dle-aged man: Now I want you to take your dick out and fuck him in the ass.

–5th Ave & Union

Over­heard by: Stephen

Woman on cell: You tell him he bet­ter pay for it. I bet­ter get his mon­ey. He needs a dick up the ass, that’s what he needs. A fuck­ing dick up the ass. ‘Cause I got it. I got it all. So he bet­ter fuck­ing pay for it.

–Re­stroom, JFK

Over­heard by: co­lette

An­gry man to friend: Well, fuck you up the ass! You just don’t un­der­stand re­li­gion!

–Em­pire State Build­ing, 34th & 5th

Over­heard by: Wendy Booz

Womb­s­day One-Lin­ers

Woman hold­ing large ice cream, to man: You don’t know what it’s like to men­stru­ate! You have no idea!

–Lafeyette & As­tor Pl

Over­heard by: I have some idea

News­pa­per guy: It’s just like when I was sell­ing tam­pons to Ali­cia Sil­ver­stone. I was like, ‘Is this my life?’

–34th & Broad­way

Chick to friends: I think my mom is go­ing through menopause. She wants to move to Col­orado.

–St. John’s Uni­ver­si­ty, Queens

Biotech to friend: Stop do­ing the tam­pon dance and let’s get out of here al­ready.

–Du­ane Reade

Well-dressed In­di­an man shout­ing at woman: You don’t need no fuck­ing tam­pons! Tam­pax — that’s a tam­pon! Tam­pax is the fuck­ing mafia!

–2 train

Over­heard by: Still Con­fused