Archive for the ‘Wednesday One-Liners Vary’ Category

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers are Part of New York City… Tech­ni­cal­ly

Hip­ster girl: ‘Flush­ing Queens’ would be a great name for a man.

–Barnard Col­lege

Over­heard by: Beau­ti­ful Barnard Woman

Drunk dude watch­ing girl rip the shirt off a guy: What, no blood? Queens is lame.

–Shea Sta­di­um

Boyfriend to girl­friend: Pre­pare to be blown away by the majesty of Queens!

–E train plat­form, Penn Sta­tion

Con­duc­tor: This is a Queens-bound A train.

–Brook­lyn-bound A train

Over­heard by: Mag­gie

Con­duc­tor: This is a Queens-bound… No, Man­hat­tan-bound… No, Queens… Wait, hang on. This is a Man­hat­tan-bound E train. Next stop: 53rd and Lex… Shit.

–Man­hat­tan-bound E train, 53rd & Lex

An­nounce­ment over the sub­way: This is not the Queens-bound E train. [Half the train emp­ties] This is the Queens-bound E train.

–E train, Penn Sta­tion

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are Like a Dog in Heat

Con­duc­tor: Hey, clear the clos­ing doors, bitch.

–8th St

Chick on cell: So, how did your date go? Did she call the po­lice on you this week? … Did she have you es­cort­ed out of her build­ing this week? … No? Then why did you call me? You just want­ed to tell me that? … Oh, you had a big fight? Was it be­cause she’s a crazy bitch?

–225th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Rose Fox

Eight-year-old boy to younger kid: If we were in prison you’d be my bitch!

–Hud­son & Christo­pher

Over­heard by: Talia

Black man: Went out, got that bitch some food. Bitch was hun­gry. Got her some food, took her out back, and she sucked my dick. Licked my balls. She’s on­ly 21. Gonna mar­ry that bitch.

–34th & 8th

Guy to bud­dy: No, it ac­tu­al­ly sucks be­cause she’s a self­ish bitch. She switched our cell phones be­cause mine vi­brates bet­ter… So she can get off in her cube.

–Her­shey store, Times Square

Dude on cell: Well… Well, there’s groups of bitch­es. There’s, like, a group of bitch­es here… and a group of bitch­es there.

–Out­side bar, 32nd & 4th, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: A Lone Bitch

Guy in full yel­low suit with match­ing hat: I don’t get this girl. You know what I’m say­ing, ’cause you know I’m the nicest nig­ga to a bitch.

–Wait­ing for the L, Union Square

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are Car­ry­ing Low

Guy: I had to yell at her and tell her that she could­n’t be preg­nant — I mean, dude, that was last week.

–St. Marks & 3rd Ave

Preg­gers to male friend: And that ass­hole came up and body-slammed me on the train plat­form! Of course, every­one was look­ing at me like I’m the an­i­mal. How can you body-slam a woman who’s sev­en months preg­nant and not feel bad?

–D train

Over­heard by: Jan­nine Ram­lochan

Preg­gers to la­dy push­ing to get to cup­cake ta­ble: La­dy, I am four months preg­nant. Get­ting be­tween me and those cup­cakes is a re­al­ly, re­al­ly good way to lose an arm.

–Mag­no­lia Bak­ery

Snot­ty ac­tress: Oh my gosh, she is such a good writer for my act­ing type. Her script is so like, like — preg­nant with promise.

–14th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Emil­ia

Girl on phone: No, I can’t have sex with you. Be­cause then if I got preg­nant I’d have to be like, ‘Whose ba­by is it? Well, let’s see — is it black, white, brown…?’

–Grand Cen­tral Sta­tion

British moth­er to young son: Do you know what I had to eat when I was preg­nant with you, Bill? Buns! Buns! Buns! Buns! That’s why you’re mad about buns. [To daugh­ter] And that’s why you like brown things.

–Var­ick & King St

Young woman to friends: And she keeps get­ting preg­nant, and I’m like, ‘Stop it, woman!’

–Co­lum­bia cam­pus

Over­heard by: Ch­eney

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Spend Most of Their Time Fundrais­ing

Man to guy try­ing to avoid him: Be­cause, you see — all Re­pub­li­cans are Nazis. I don’t know why no one else can tell.

–67th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: kendra

Thug to an­oth­er: Damn, nig­ga! That’s why the De­moc­rats ain’t go­ing to win the moth­er­fuckin’ White House in 2008!

–Union Square

Over­heard by: guy who’s not sure if it’s racist or not

Right­eous girl: I am glad I slept with him be­fore I found out he was a Re­pub­li­can.

–6 train, Up­town

Over­heard by: Su­san

Rollerblad­ing twelve-year-old to friend: Sean Han­ni­ty is such a douche!

–44th and 8th

An­ti-Bush crazy at an­ti-war stand on the street: There’s an id­iot in the White House! There’s an id­iot in the White House! .… Ac­tu­al­ly, he’s a mon­key — we got the DNA re­sults back!

–Out­side of the Met

Man on cell: Well, they killed 3,000 peo­ple! …Nooo, not the Arabs, the Con­ser­v­a­tives — the New York Con­ser­v­a­tives!

–181 St & Ft. Wash­ing­ton, Star­bucks

Over­heard by: One of the teach­ers

Hobo: I hope I nev­er run for of­fice, be­cause you peo­ple aren’t the first group I’ve said fucked-up shit to.

–F Train

Nor­man Rock­well’s Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Dude: Well, it would be re­al­ly nice if I could sleep with your sis­ter.

–Wash­ing­ton Sq South

White girl: Well, if I’m so white, why do I have an un­cle named Juan?!

–Hunter Col­lege

Scan­di­na­vian-look­ing girl: My ma­ma has broth­ers who were Nazis. That’s why we don’t talk to them any­more. Oh, and be­cause they’re dead, too.

–Bloom­ing­dales

Girl cry­ing and plead­ing with bounc­er af­ter he took her fake ID: But I need that back! It’s my sis­ter’s, and she’s dead!

–Union Bar, Park Ave South

Over­heard by: BOB Sled

Loud black chick on cell: Yo, mom, I’m gonna fuck your daugh­ter up!

–H&M, Her­ald Square

Over­heard by: Limey

Chick: I told her if she don’t sign it, I’m gonna dig Dad­dy up and set him on her porch.

–18th & Park

Over­heard by: Tony Jones

Woman on cell: Do we have a con­scious grand­moth­er or an un­con­scious grand­moth­er? … Oh, goood!

–Ma­cy’s

Over­heard by: white_on_white

The Gates Changed New York For­ev­er

El­der­ly woman: Ex­cuse me, do you know where 81st Street is? We’re try­ing to get to the high­est point in the park to see The Gates.

A NY­er points out the way. Af­ter she leaves, he says: I’m pret­ty sure I gave her the wrong di­rec­tions, but I think she’s high enough.

–The Ram­ble

Over­heard by: Nathan K. Claus

Guy: Man, this will re­al­ly put New York back on the map.

–The Gates

Suit: Ex­cuse me, I want­ed to ask you about your [big or­ange] wig. Are you ad­vo­cat­ing your sup­port for The Gates or are you com­ment­ing on how crazy and triv­ial they are?
Guy: Uh…what wig?

–The Gates

Over­heard by: Greg Rut­ter

Boy: Mom! Was that “art”?
Moth­er: No, Michael. That was laun­dry.

–Cen­tral Park

Over­heard by: Darko Vraither

Old woman #1: Is­n’t it love­ly?
Old woman #2: Well, I would­n’t call it art, but I’m cer­tain­ly glad New York has some­thing to amuse it dur­ing the month of Feb­ru­ary.

–Mo­MA roof

Over­heard by: Michael Bra­cy

It De­pends on Whether She Swal­lows

Girl #1: Aw, he sent me a mes­sage that says “Sweet dreams, gor­geous.”
Girl #2: Hmm. Is­n’t that what they say to Mafioso girl­friends be­fore they slit their throats and throw them in the East Riv­er?

–Morn­ing­side Heights

Over­heard by: djlindee

Yup­pie #1: …and it’s not just be­cause she’s a chick.
Yup­pie #2: Yeah, it’d be the same if she were a dude.
Yup­pie #1: To­tal­ly! And it’s not be­cause I re­al­ly like to work, be­cause I don’t.
Yup­pie #2: To­tal­ly!

–Dock­’s Oys­ter Bar, 40th & 3rd

Over­heard by: Greg Rut­ter

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Died for Our Sins

Hip­ster: So I was walk­ing down the street, and I saw Je­sus, and then I was like, ‘Hey, how’s it go­ing, Je­sus?’

–Union Square

Over­heard by: Kanad

Sub­way preach­er: The ocean is full of wa­ter. Je­sus changed wa­ter in­to wine. It’s all good. Michael Jack­son called it ‘Je­sus Juice.’

–Rock­e­feller Plaza sub­way

Over­heard by: G‑Lime

Queer: I re­placed my imag­ing of Je­sus as a trans­ves­tite se­r­i­al killer to an im­age of Je­sus as a mil­i­taris­tic ter­ror­ist…

–1 train

Queer to an­oth­er: I think Je­sus loves Hal­loween.

–23rd St, be­tween 7th & 8th

Over­heard by: adam

20-ish guy: Let me get this straight — it’s spelled like ‘Je­sus,’ but it’s pro­nounced ‘Hey-Seuss’? That’s just weird.

–49th & 8th

Over­heard by: Jo­Bell

Bible thumper: Ladies, you may see a hand­some man and think to your­self, ‘I want him to be my sug­ar dad­dy.’ Oh, yes! And he be­comes your sug­ar dad­dy, and he takes you to Ma­cy’s and he buys you a crock pot. Oh, yes! But then lat­er he beats you with that crock pot. Oh, yes! Then you re­al­ize that it is not he who is your sug­ar dad­dy, it is re­al­ly Je­sus Christ who is your sug­ar dad­dy! Oh, yes!

–4 train