Archive for the ‘Wednesday One-Liners Vary’ Category

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers for Kings Coun­ty

Schol­ar: Brook­lyn is the Paris of New York.

–Grand Army Plaza Sta­tion, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: iv­el

Crazy: Fuck Brook­lyn! I can pay for Brook­lyn on any oth­er day. Yes, that’s right — I’m a black man, and I am not go­ing to Brook­lyn. What do you know about that! And you, you’re a Jew. I’ll still pray for you. Wher­ev­er we end up, I’ll still pray for you. Fuck all you peo­ple. Ex­cept you, Jew. I love you.

–L train from 6th Ave to 3rd Ave

Over­heard by: Nash As­tor

Girl: I just don’t like liv­ing in Brook­lyn. My place is, like, four whole blocks away from Dunkin’ Donuts.

–Tena­cious D al­bum sign­ing, Vir­gin Mega­s­tore

Guy: So­bri­ety is my back, I am the camel, and Brook­lyn is the straw.

–A/C/E sub­way plat­form, Low­er West Side

Over­heard by: Ma­g­a­ret

La­dy: I like the brown eggs more than the white. Well, I have 12 at home in my fridge — it’s like Brook­lyn in there.

–15th St & Union Square West

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are a Re­al Page-Turn­er

Woman: He read a book on fist­ing, and now he wants to share it with his class.

–L train

Dude: They should have made Be­owulf in­to a book — they would have made a lot more mon­ey.

–34th & 8th

Over­heard by: Lethe­aBu

Girl: It used to be the on­ly rea­son I liked An­na Quindlen was ’cause she was blind. Now it’s like, ‘Dude, she can read?!’

–Barnard Col­lege

NYU bim­bette to stu­dious friend: Your prob­lem is that you read for all your class­es. So­bri­ety and schol­ar­ly. Those are your prob­lems.

–Star­bucks, W 4th St

Over­heard by: wine girl

Nine-year-old girl: I for­got my book, and I was sup­posed to do a re­port on it! Now what am I go­ing to do?! I’m so se­nile.

–JFK

Over­heard by: mr itchie

Book-hawk­ing hobo: … And this is my new book, ‘If You Don’t Beat Your Chil­dren, They’ll End Up Like Me’!

–6 train

Over­heard by: Zarek

Wednes­day Con­ga Lin­ers

Man on cell: Yeah, so do you know that show Danc­ing with the Stars? They got the idea for it from the cam­era in my show­er.

–6th Ave & 55th St

Over­heard by: Ali­cia

Ag­ing badass to la­dy friend: Yeah, I to­tal­ly got es­cort­ed out of a Tom Pet­ty con­cert for danc­ing in the aisles.

–17th St & 5th Ave

Over­heard by: Orig­i­nal Badass

Black guy: Hey every­body! Stop what you’re do­ing! There’s two black guys about to dance on this train! That’s some­thing you don’t see of­ten!

–A Train

Flam­boy­ant gay man to friend: You can’t sashay in there. There’s no room to sashay at all.

–Out­side LGBT Com­mu­ni­ty Cen­ter, dur­ing Fur Ball

Over­heard by: pan­darants

Drunk Asian girl: It’s al­ways time to dance in North Ko­rea.

–2nd St & Ave B

A Tree Grows in Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Fa­ther to daugh­ter: Girl, whatchu do­ing? You try­in’a go to cross the bridge? You try­in’a go to Brook­lyn? You want some cheese­cake? Some crack?

–Cen­tre St & Park Row

Over­heard by: Bar­ry P.

NYU so­cial plan­ner: I want­ed to get all the fresh­men out of the city for a lit­tle so I took them to Brook­lyn.

–Main Build­ing, NYU

Girl on cell: I’m not go­ing to Brook­lyn sober!

–12th & Broad­way

Woman on cell: So are you in town this week­end or in Brook­lyn?

–39th & 8th

Over­heard by: The Love­ly Miss Katie

Chick: Do you know the rules for be­ing in Brook­lyn?

–Law of­fice, 54th & 5th

Over­heard by: The le­gal in­tern

Bill Bat­son: It’s like the Na­tive Amer­i­cans all over again. Brook­lynites, we’re in­dige­nous. And now Man­hat­tan wants Man­i­fest Des­tiny.

–Van­der­bilt & Dekalb, Fort Greene, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Laris­sa Kyz­er

Lit­tle boy: I’m not go­ing to Brook­lyn! It’s stu­pid!

–110th & Broad­way

High Colonic Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Scruffy man to scruffy friend: … And then I stuck my thumb up her ass for some grip. Like a bowl­ing ball!

–34th & 6th

Over­heard by: Jared

Male stu­dent to two friends: No, they lit­er­al­ly put it in your ass!

–51st & Broad­way

Over­heard by: tin steve

Bilin­gual hip­ster skank on cell: … So I was like, ‘I don’t care if it is my shit — you were the one who want­ed to or­der the flan and you were the one who want­ed to put it up where it does­n’t be­long! Ex­it on­ly! Flan ex­it on­ly! No en­tra­da por na­da!’ … No, we just slept on the floor and left it all for house­keep­ing…

–Lob­by of W Ho­tel, Union Square

Train an­nounc­er: In the rear, if it won’t fit, don’t force it.

–2 train, 72nd St

Over­heard by: Brett

Gay man in kitchen: There’s ab­solute­ly noth­ing gay about me oth­er than the cook­ing and the clean­ing, and the tak­ing it up the ass.

–207th St, Wood­lawn, Bronx

Thug: Ba­by… C’­mon… Take that thing out of your butt and we’ll talk when I get back.

–Hobo­ken PATH Sta­tion

Over­heard by: Seph

Gui­do: You take it in the ass! You’re a 24-hour ass-tak­er-in­ner!

–Prospect Park

Over­heard by: Patrick Di Jus­to

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Rent Bronx Butt-Sluts

Hip­ster: And I was like, ‘Okay, well, here’s some ad­vice for you, then: Why don’t you peel a ba­nana and shove it up your ass?’

–Bed­ford Ave

Sassy black girl: Man, I love anal sex! That shit puts me to sleep!

–Man­hat­tan Mall

Over­heard by: Aus­ton McLain

Girl to guy: I am not shov­ing any­thing in your hole!

–LIRR

Over­heard by: mish

Mid­dle-aged man: Now I want you to take your dick out and fuck him in the ass.

–5th Ave & Union

Over­heard by: Stephen

Woman on cell: You tell him he bet­ter pay for it. I bet­ter get his mon­ey. He needs a dick up the ass, that’s what he needs. A fuck­ing dick up the ass. ‘Cause I got it. I got it all. So he bet­ter fuck­ing pay for it.

–Re­stroom, JFK

Over­heard by: co­lette

An­gry man to friend: Well, fuck you up the ass! You just don’t un­der­stand re­li­gion!

–Em­pire State Build­ing, 34th & 5th

Over­heard by: Wendy Booz

Womb­s­day One-Lin­ers

Woman hold­ing large ice cream, to man: You don’t know what it’s like to men­stru­ate! You have no idea!

–Lafeyette & As­tor Pl

Over­heard by: I have some idea

News­pa­per guy: It’s just like when I was sell­ing tam­pons to Ali­cia Sil­ver­stone. I was like, ‘Is this my life?’

–34th & Broad­way

Chick to friends: I think my mom is go­ing through menopause. She wants to move to Col­orado.

–St. John’s Uni­ver­si­ty, Queens

Biotech to friend: Stop do­ing the tam­pon dance and let’s get out of here al­ready.

–Du­ane Reade

Well-dressed In­di­an man shout­ing at woman: You don’t need no fuck­ing tam­pons! Tam­pax — that’s a tam­pon! Tam­pax is the fuck­ing mafia!

–2 train

Over­heard by: Still Con­fused

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers’ Next Stop Is Meth

Man shout­ing to woman near­by: Yo! You bet­ter hur­ry up. I got you a ride. I’m go­ing straight to the bridge, and I ain’t stop­ping for no crack!

–Am­s­ter­dam Ave & 92nd St.

Over­heard by: Dana

Girl in dress to friends: And that was the first time I sucked dick for crack…

–10th St & Ave A

Man to an­oth­er as he walks away: Don’t spend it all in one crack­house.

–So­Ho

Woman, yelling at man twen­ty feet ahead: Hey! Don’t walk away from me. At least you got crack yes­ter­day!

–Broad­way & 96th St

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Have a View to a Kill

God freak: The Chris­tians are pray­ing and not killing. The Chris­tians on­ly kill once in two thou­sand years, or maybe a thou­sand years. Three hun­dred years. God will for­give you for killing a hun­dred men, but he will kill you be­cause of the ra­dio.

–R train

Chick on cell: You mur­dered him? Oh… you did­n’t. Well that’s good. It would have been bad for your im­age.

–Cen­tral Park

Over­heard by: Lau­ra

Dude: Yo, don’t be so an­gry while I kill every­one.

–GWB Ter­mi­nal, 175th St

Bean-Lover: And I said, “Yo, bitch, I kill you for a can o’ pin­to beans.”

–10th St & 1st Ave

B&T girl: I want that ex­act kind of re­la­tion­ship. Ex­cept for, like, the whole mass mur­der­ing thing.

–Knit­ting Fac­to­ry, Leonard St

Pro­fes­sor: Why kill your­self when you can just steal some­one else’s idea?

–Hunter Col­lege

Over­heard by: acep & arielle

Woman on cell: Do you know how many ex­e­cu­tions I’ve been to over the last year?…5.

–Cen­tral Park

Over­heard by: MC