Archive for the ‘Wednesday One-Liners Vary’ Category

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Have Trou­ble Re-Fold­ing the Map

New York­er: …and then the tourists paused near the con­struc­tion of the New York Times’ new build­ing, and one, who was I guess their leader, point­ed to it and said, “Every­one, that’s Ground Ze­ro.”

–26th & Park

Tourist: And this is H Street. So we’ll be in So­Ho next.

–Hous­ton Street

Tourist girl: Oh, look! I think that’s Times Square!

–Broad­way & Hous­ton

Over­heard by: Sum­i­tra

Woman on cell: No, I can’t. I’m in the Times Square area right now.

–Canal & Bax­ter

Over­heard by: Steph J.

Dude: Ex­cuse me, is this Times Square?

–Times Square

Over­heard by: Dumb­found­ed

Teenage girl: Does this train go to Man­hat­tan?

–Times Square, wait­ing for the down­town C train

Over­heard by: Court­ney

Tourist: Wait, are we in Man­hat­tan or just New York?

–Times Square

Over­heard by: bet­sy

Aus­tralian hip­ster: Could you tell me how to get back to Man­hat­tan?

–112th & Broad­way

Holy Wedne­say-One-Lin­ers, Bat­man!

Lit­tle boy, hear­ing loud ex­plo­sion: Je­sus Christ!

–Up­per East Side

Over­heard by: Far­ley

Suit to girl­friend: Are you mad at Je­sus?

–Penn Sta­tion

Over­heard by: Matt

Girl, point­ing to eye­brow ring: I re­ceive God through this hole in my eye!

–Fi­nancier Patis­serie, Stone St

Over­heard by: Gen

Teen girl: Yeah, so I was about to go down on him, and I got smacked in the face with Je­sus. It was so not hot.

–Sheepshead Bay

Over­heard by: Lotte

Black man: Free Post! Free Post! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, free at last! Free Post!

–34th St & 7th Ave

Over­heard by: jack­at­tack

JAP: When I told my mom I did­n’t want to fast to­day she said ‘That’s ok, no one said you had to’ and I said ‘Um­mm, I think God did.’

–33rd St & 8th Ave

Over­heard by: ak

Man to cop: Can’t you do nuthin’ about those damn Je­ho­vah’s Nitwits?

–Grand Cen­tral

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Get Paid Fri­day

Man look­ing at the Metronome clock: I think that’s the na­tion­al deficit.

–Union Square

Em­ploy­ee: Shit, I don’t have no pen­nies. Tell Dunkin’ Donuts they owe you nine cents!

–Dunkin’ Donuts, Gra­ham Ave

Girl: Non-prof­it groups are, like, so non-lu­cra­tive!

–Ful­ton St

Over­heard by: Pants

Spas­tic kid: All I have to my name is a cig­a­rette and two Saca­gawea coins!

–Web­ster Hall

Over­heard by: Jess Co­hennnnn

JAP on cell: I had a night­mare last night that Mom can­celed my cred­it card state­ment… I know! It was the worst — like, I woke up sweat­ing!

–NYU

Over­heard by: glam­our­charm

Chick: ‘In­suf­fi­cient fare’?! What does that mean?

–7th Ave sub­way sta­tion

The Unit­ed States of Wednes­day One-lin­ers

Hobo: You want to know why Amer­i­ca is the land of free? Go to jail; free food, free bed.

–53rd & Madi­son

Over­heard by: Ram­blin Bradley Scott

Guy on cell: I’m just so sick of hear­ing about Gaza. So many peo­ple get­ting shot…it just sounds like LA.

–86th & CPW

Girl: “AKA” means “oth­er­wise known as.” This is Amer­i­ca!

–23 Street C sta­tion

Hip­ster guy on cell: How’s Delaware?…Aw, I’m sorry…Your grand­ma what?…Ew!

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: Shawn Chester­field

Hobo: I wish all of Amer­i­ca was in Jor­dan.

–Stuyvesant Park

Woman: …It’s not the mon­ey I’m wor­ried about, it’s just that
Hobo­ken taxi dri­vers are shit­heads.

–Of­fice, 50th & 6th

Woman on cell: …and I mean, where the fuck am I sup­posed to find a hook­er? This is­n’t Las Ve­gas!

–54th & 6th

Over­heard by: Eface

Tourist man: One way tick­et to Hew­ston please.

–50th Street 1 sta­tion

Tur­baned white guy: Well, ob­vi­ous­ly I’m Amer­i­can, but my pre­ferred re­li­gion is Pun­jabi.

–Union Square

Over­heard by: misha

Suit: Hawaii is so bor­ing! There’s noth­ing to do but stay calm.

–52nd & Lex­ing­ton

Girl: Have you been to the rest of the coun­try? The rest of the coun­try is not New York. They ob­vi­ous­ly don’t know any­thing about fash­ion.

–Shea Sta­di­um

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers are Part of New York City… Tech­ni­cal­ly

Hip­ster girl: ‘Flush­ing Queens’ would be a great name for a man.

–Barnard Col­lege

Over­heard by: Beau­ti­ful Barnard Woman

Drunk dude watch­ing girl rip the shirt off a guy: What, no blood? Queens is lame.

–Shea Sta­di­um

Boyfriend to girl­friend: Pre­pare to be blown away by the majesty of Queens!

–E train plat­form, Penn Sta­tion

Con­duc­tor: This is a Queens-bound A train.

–Brook­lyn-bound A train

Over­heard by: Mag­gie

Con­duc­tor: This is a Queens-bound… No, Man­hat­tan-bound… No, Queens… Wait, hang on. This is a Man­hat­tan-bound E train. Next stop: 53rd and Lex… Shit.

–Man­hat­tan-bound E train, 53rd & Lex

An­nounce­ment over the sub­way: This is not the Queens-bound E train. [Half the train emp­ties] This is the Queens-bound E train.

–E train, Penn Sta­tion

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are Like a Dog in Heat

Con­duc­tor: Hey, clear the clos­ing doors, bitch.

–8th St

Chick on cell: So, how did your date go? Did she call the po­lice on you this week? … Did she have you es­cort­ed out of her build­ing this week? … No? Then why did you call me? You just want­ed to tell me that? … Oh, you had a big fight? Was it be­cause she’s a crazy bitch?

–225th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Rose Fox

Eight-year-old boy to younger kid: If we were in prison you’d be my bitch!

–Hud­son & Christo­pher

Over­heard by: Talia

Black man: Went out, got that bitch some food. Bitch was hun­gry. Got her some food, took her out back, and she sucked my dick. Licked my balls. She’s on­ly 21. Gonna mar­ry that bitch.

–34th & 8th

Guy to bud­dy: No, it ac­tu­al­ly sucks be­cause she’s a self­ish bitch. She switched our cell phones be­cause mine vi­brates bet­ter… So she can get off in her cube.

–Her­shey store, Times Square

Dude on cell: Well… Well, there’s groups of bitch­es. There’s, like, a group of bitch­es here… and a group of bitch­es there.

–Out­side bar, 32nd & 4th, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: A Lone Bitch

Guy in full yel­low suit with match­ing hat: I don’t get this girl. You know what I’m say­ing, ’cause you know I’m the nicest nig­ga to a bitch.

–Wait­ing for the L, Union Square

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are Car­ry­ing Low

Guy: I had to yell at her and tell her that she could­n’t be preg­nant — I mean, dude, that was last week.

–St. Marks & 3rd Ave

Preg­gers to male friend: And that ass­hole came up and body-slammed me on the train plat­form! Of course, every­one was look­ing at me like I’m the an­i­mal. How can you body-slam a woman who’s sev­en months preg­nant and not feel bad?

–D train

Over­heard by: Jan­nine Ram­lochan

Preg­gers to la­dy push­ing to get to cup­cake ta­ble: La­dy, I am four months preg­nant. Get­ting be­tween me and those cup­cakes is a re­al­ly, re­al­ly good way to lose an arm.

–Mag­no­lia Bak­ery

Snot­ty ac­tress: Oh my gosh, she is such a good writer for my act­ing type. Her script is so like, like — preg­nant with promise.

–14th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Emil­ia

Girl on phone: No, I can’t have sex with you. Be­cause then if I got preg­nant I’d have to be like, ‘Whose ba­by is it? Well, let’s see — is it black, white, brown…?’

–Grand Cen­tral Sta­tion

British moth­er to young son: Do you know what I had to eat when I was preg­nant with you, Bill? Buns! Buns! Buns! Buns! That’s why you’re mad about buns. [To daugh­ter] And that’s why you like brown things.

–Var­ick & King St

Young woman to friends: And she keeps get­ting preg­nant, and I’m like, ‘Stop it, woman!’

–Co­lum­bia cam­pus

Over­heard by: Ch­eney

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Spend Most of Their Time Fundrais­ing

Man to guy try­ing to avoid him: Be­cause, you see — all Re­pub­li­cans are Nazis. I don’t know why no one else can tell.

–67th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: kendra

Thug to an­oth­er: Damn, nig­ga! That’s why the De­moc­rats ain’t go­ing to win the moth­er­fuckin’ White House in 2008!

–Union Square

Over­heard by: guy who’s not sure if it’s racist or not

Right­eous girl: I am glad I slept with him be­fore I found out he was a Re­pub­li­can.

–6 train, Up­town

Over­heard by: Su­san

Rollerblad­ing twelve-year-old to friend: Sean Han­ni­ty is such a douche!

–44th and 8th

An­ti-Bush crazy at an­ti-war stand on the street: There’s an id­iot in the White House! There’s an id­iot in the White House! .… Ac­tu­al­ly, he’s a mon­key — we got the DNA re­sults back!

–Out­side of the Met

Man on cell: Well, they killed 3,000 peo­ple! …Nooo, not the Arabs, the Con­ser­v­a­tives — the New York Con­ser­v­a­tives!

–181 St & Ft. Wash­ing­ton, Star­bucks

Over­heard by: One of the teach­ers

Hobo: I hope I nev­er run for of­fice, be­cause you peo­ple aren’t the first group I’ve said fucked-up shit to.

–F Train