Archive for the ‘Wednesday One-Liners Vary’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Are the Reason for the Season

Bus driver: Just a friendly reminder, folks: it is now holiday season! Holiday shopping season! So, for those of you who insist on utilizing the crosstown bus, please remember to add six hours onto your regular travel time!

–M14D crosstown bus

Conductor: This is the A express. Forty-second Street is next. And remember: only ten shopping days left until Christmas!

–A train, 59th St

Overheard by: Call me Santa

Man on cell: What did I get you for for Christmas last year? … Oh, yeah, I bought you all that! [Smiles sheepishly.] Well, I ain’t buying you shit this Christmas!

–1 train

Overheard by: marcusmarc

Old black dude to Salvation Army Santa: Hahaha! You ring that bell like a faggot!

–33rd & 7th

Conductor: Now would be a good time to discuss the idea of pickpockets — they’re running wild everywhere during this Christmas time! And that’s your paranoia for the day!

–F train

Santa on cell: Bro, I totally almost fucked a girl dressed as a reindeer last night.

–Ludlow St

Overheard by: ryan

Conductor: Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. I hope you’re all doing well. Just wanted to remind you to take all your belongings with you as you exit the train. Have a wonderful holiday… Be safe, be good, and if you can’t be good, be good-looking.

–2 train

Overheard by: apparently out of luck

Wednesday One-Liners Have Been Formatted to Fit Your Screen

Southern tourist: By the way, if you’re ever watching Law and Order, this is where everyone gets murdered and gets raped.

–Central Park South

Overheard by: Adam Schiff

Man lunching with buddy: No, I’m not a monk. That was just TV.

–18th & 5th

Crazy guy, through ventilator: Sonoco… Cablevision… Sonoco… Cablevision… Sonoco… Cablevision…

–West End Ave

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

Trader on cell: Well, she’s certainly not MTV yet — not VH1. She’s more like 60 Minutes.

–Trading floor, NY Stock Exchange

Overheard by: Trader Joey

Hot girl to boyfriend: See, I don’t think ass sex is necessarily something I want to do whilst watching X-Files

–Pietrasanta Restaurant, Hell’s Kitchen

Overheard by: Ta-da!

Enthusiastic hobo: What time is Desperate Housewives on?!

–Astor Pl

Man, after changing his shoes in a lively manner: What, you never saw Mr. Rogers?

–Jamaica-bound E train

Overheard by: He Was Quite Handsome…..

You May Now Kiss the Wednesday One-Liner

Woman: Just because I’m married doesn’t mean I have to touch him!

–W 32nd & 5th

Street preacher pointing at ladies in short skirts: We’ve gotta get them married! We can’t be havin’ them fornicating in the streets!

–59th & 5th

Lady on cell: I mean, there were some funny pictures… Whitney freaking on me just isn’t what I had in mind… I just don’t really want pictures of beer pong in my wedding album, y’know?

–Gramercy Park

20-ish girl on cell: Grandma, it is so important that you are at my wedding. I need to have you there… Dad and I were talking, and we’re going to get you a refundable ticket… Just in case anything happens.

–Chinatownbus

Overheard by: Kaiti

Man to friend: No, it’s over. We had the wedding planned and everything and then she never got a divorce.

–NJ Transit to Penn Station

Wednesday One-Liners Are Accident Prone

Cute 20-something queer on cell: I slipped and fell and slid about fifteen feet on 34th Street. Thank God I have a fat ass. It was like a Slip ‘n Slide without the warm, the bathing suit, or the fun.

–6 train

Overheard by: Looking at his not fat ass

Peter Sarsgaard: That was like the time my sister got hit by her own school bus!

–Outside of the Ars Nova Theatre, 54th & 10th

Overheard by: Danielle

Wednesday One-Liners Are Moving to Florida Soon

Teen girl on cell: So, this weekend I have to go to Louisiana. Can you believe it? My grandmother’s dying. Yeah, again — she’s dying again. My grandmother is always dying. I can’t believe I have to go to Louisiana.

–Union Square

Father to four-year-old daughter facing American Indian in bear costume: Looks like Grandma, doesn’t it?

–Museum of Natural History

Girl on cell with boyfriend: So, what? I can’t talk down to your grandmother in front of you? What’s fucking wrong with that?!

–Jamaica Ave & Parsons Blvd

Overheard by: Rod-Rod

Latina on cell: What am I supposed to tell her? ‘Oh, my grandma’s dying and my cat’s eating her toes, and… um… I lost the papers’? I can’t do that… [After pause, she switches to rapid Spanish.]

–30th & 6th

Overheard by: avenueF

Creepster: I would totally marry my grandmother.

–Sly Fox, 9th & 2nd

Overheard by: Will

Go Back Where You Came from, Wednesday One-Liners!

Woman: I just have a lot of leftover Mexican anger…

–7 train

Overheard by: Elle-train

Man: This guy is a well-known thief, and he’s mad at me for ratting him out about something everyone knows. You just can’t trust anyone, and that’s how I feel about all Canadians.

–NYU

Overheard by: Eleanor

Stoner: That girl was either French or retarded…

–14th St

Overheard by: jenna

Chick on cell: If you can’t tell what it is, it’s an armless mannequin with a wedding dress half on, breasts bared, with a nice Mexican woman posing her for me.

–Harlem

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Boisterous SI woman: Just push those foreigners out of the way. I’ve got your back — they just want to see the green bitch in the water!

–Staten Island Ferry

Overheard by: Mr. Anderson & Poki

Drink Up, Wednesday One-Liners!

Man singing "My Girl": White girl — talking ’bout whiiite girl! Yeah, you! If I could, I would take you home right now and give you some Kool-Aid!

–2 train

Old guy playing chess: I can’t drink orange juice anymore. It makes my eyes sweat.

–Bleecker & Thompson

Overheard by: fancypants

Woman on cell: Just drink cranberry juice. It cures everything.

–Starbucks, Astor Pl

Overheard by: Brian

Man on cell: I don’t think somebody would put poison in milk…

–Union Square

Overheard by: SixthFloorGirls

Woman on cell: My cabbie just handed me a can of Coors. What the fuck?

–Harlem

Overheard by: Ladle

Outraged eight-year old boy: They didn’t have any fucking chocolate milk! I was so pissed off!

–76th & West End

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

I’m Thankful for My Family

Little boy: Twain!
Mom: Yeah, yeah, train, Darniel, train. Nobody cares!

–Prospect Heights

Overheard by: Michael Barthel

Mother: Did you do these questions or was this the part you copied from the board in class?…What the fuck was that? Speak in actual words!
Little boy: This part was from the board and this part I did.
Mother: Don’t fucking lie to me. I’m gonna bust you in the mouth. Why didn’t you do your homework?…Did you look at yourself before we left the house? You look like fucking shit!
Little boy: I’m sorry.
Mother: Sorry looking.

–F train

Man on cell: You stupid little bitch!…That’s right I want a better report card next year.

–West 4th Street & 6th Avenue

Overheard by: Scott Hoffman

Teen girl: I’m not allowed to go home this weekend ’cause my father’s having one of his girlfriends over. He told me, “you’re gonna have to sleep somewhere else, because, uh, you know…”

–A train

Little girl: Mommy, what’re we getting?
Mommy: Pshh, I don’t know. You better figure out quick, you’re the one’s gotta eat.

–Fine Fair, Avenue C

Overheard by: Catechist

Boy: Did you get my Christmas list?
Dad: I don’t need your Christmas list.
Boy: I want a PSP. A portable Playstation.
Dad: I’m not gettin’ you video games.
Boy: Then I just want money.
Dad: You want my money, I want you to get good grades. Neither of us get what we want, do we?

–6 train

Overheard by: Chris Mohney

Are Your Wednesday One-Liners Tingling?

Professor: So, let’s return to the topic of male nipples for a moment.

–Sophomore seminar, Bard High School Early College

JAP on cell: … So I picked up and was like, ‘Hello?’ and she was all, ‘Come on, we’re going to get our nipples pierced.’ And I was like, ‘Oh. Um, okay.’

–49th & 7th

Biker chick: You don’t understand! You don’t understand that I can’t feel my nipples right now!

–St. Mark’s & 3rd

Overheard by: Gemma

Tough guy to another: We all bang. We love each other. So what if I pinched your nipples?! What’s the big deal? I pinched your nipples!

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Jim Conroy

Girl on cell: At the gallery, a woman offered me her nipple covers. She was like, ‘Hey, do you want my nipple covers?’ … Yeah, it’s been that kind of day.

–Stuyvesant Town

Wednesday One-Liners Get Aufed

Heinously-dressed chick on cell: I wish I could see you today! I’m wearing a really cool outfit!

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: fashionbly competent

Ghetto chick: I hate skinny jeans. Them shits be mad tight!

–H&M, 125th St

Overheard by: Alison R.

Girl: Okay, those might be Givenchy, but she totally bought them at DSW.

–Houston & Broadway

Salesperson: The trousers are unfinished so you have to go to a tailor when you get home and have them fitted. Are there any tailors where you come from?

–Macy’s

Overheard by: Other suit-buying tourist

Two UES ladies passing by a child laughing at her reflection in upscale shoe store window: That baby has a head start — she already likes stilettos.

–79th & Lex

Overheard by: B.B.

Girl to guy: You should just wear nude leggings!

–1 train

Overheard by:

Girl on cell: Those are the gayest jeans I’ve ever seen. As long as you wear them, you will always be gay. Congratulations.

–H&M, SoHo

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