Archive for the ‘Wednesday One-Liners Vary’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Refer to 110th Street As ‘Downtown’

Exchange student: I was just telling him how to use a Post-it.

–Columbia

20-ish male: Actually, global warming is only going to benefit New York City.

–Columbia

Overheard by: martina m.

Chick: I am not eating somewhere with a misplaced apostrophe in its menu.

–Columbia

Overheard by: Ladle

Young Columbia student: Yeah, so all of a sudden I was walking home drunk, in a diaper, with a huge scar.

–1 train

Columbia grad student: … And if you ask him he’ll say, ‘I’m making money for the school! I’m making money for the school! I do drugs! I do drugs!’

–1 train

Student to another: As for the article, I don’t care about the truth of my argument. I care about people knowing how big my penis is.

–Columbia

Conductor: This is 116th Street, Columbia University. Good luck paying your tuition.

–116th St

Overheard by: Sam

Can You Use Wednesday One-Liners in a Sentence?

20-ish woman: Why do they call it waiting on line instead of waiting in line? Is that like a New York thing? Is that like calling it smoking up instead of smoking out?

–58th & Park

Overheard by: marisa

Guy: Well, I think absent-minded means more like… Uh… Like…

–Broadway & Waverly

Future lawyer chick: Wait… So that’s the rebuttal? Rebuttal? Is that a word? Or is the word ‘counterargument’? Or am I just making up words?

–LSAT class, Cooper Square

Four-year-old girl to little boy who spoke in Spanish: I don’t speak your English!

–Claremont Park, Bronx

Overheard by: ClaRity

JAP to boyfriend: I don’t want anything that I can’t, like, pronounce right now.

–St Mark’s falafel district

Wednesday One-Liners Are Friends With Tom

Geeky boy: I think I’m having trouble meeting people online because my MySpace page is so intimidating.
Goth girls: [Silence.]

–Eileen’s Cheesecake

Girl: Hey, why didn’t you Friendster me on MySpace yet?

–46th & 6th

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

Girl departing with friend: MySpace-message me when you get your new phone! But I’m sure I’ll see you before then.

–Hunter College

Overheard by: acep

Nerd: So I broke up with her by changing my MySpace status from ‘In a relationship’ to ‘Single.’

–Starbucks, Astor Place

Overheard by: Adrienne

Ghetto boy: Where the fuck has he been? Fuck. I’m going to hunt that nigger down on MySpace.

–Wendy’s, 23rd St

Guido in car full of guidos, taking girl’s picture with cell: Hey, girl! Didn’t I see you on MySpace last night?

–Hughes Ave & Fordham Rd

Overheard by: Greg

Skinny girl on cell: What? I’m sorry! Listen, you asked! That’s what happens when you bend over and you aren’t wearing underwear: your pussy definitely ends up on MySpace.

–65th & Lex

Wednesday One-Liners Would Never Call It “Vay-Kay”

Dude: Maybe I’ll just go on vacation with my left hand.

–67th & Columbus

Overheard by: Meli

Teen tourist on cell: I’m on vacation — I’m allowed to be a slut!

–Times Square

Trinidadian conductor on PA: This is Broadway-Nassau/Fulton Street. Transfer on the upper level for 2-3-4-5, J, M and Z… And please keep in mind that this time tomorrow, I’ll be landin’ in Trinidad in the sun, hahaha!

–A train

Overheard by: Russ Wall

Conductor: Just remember that on Sunday, I’ll be on my way to Acapulco! Ho, ho, ho! Did you ever see Santa in short pants and a t-shirt?

–A train

Overheard by: amc

Girl to friends: Yeah, so, you know how I was obsessed with my ex, right? So, he totally doesn’t know this, but one time when he was on vacation with his family, I broke into his house, looked through all his stuff for like three hours, and then took a huge dump in his parents’ bathroom and peaced.

–Grand Central

Worker to another: Wear something non-flammable when you go on vacation.

–Tiffany & Co.

Wednesday One-Liners Strut, Preen and Peck

Asian lady is eating something, and a black man takes his cell out and starts taking a video, documenting what’s going on.

Black man: She seems to be eating some type of seed — maybe a bird food. It appears to be that she is some sort of bird woman. Ka-kawww, ka-kawww!

–B train

Girl to friend: First you insult my turkey, and then you put a gourd on your face!

–Union Square

Crazy lady on bus: The turkeys! The turkeys! All you people care about is the turkeys and how they feel! What about the carrots and candied yams? No one cares about them!

–M104 bus

Overheard by: Susan Elliott

Little kid running across the street flapping his arms: I can’t help it that I’m a chicken!

–90th & Lex

Overheard by: Zach

Hospital employee to another: You see, I don’t call them chicken breasts; I call them chicken titties.

–Hospital cafeteria, Upper East Side

Overheard by:

Guy to girl: So you’d rather screw a duck than a geese? Is that what you’re telling me?

–Columbia University

You Really Shouldn’t Joke about Wednesday One-Liners

Black girl: But, I mean, other than the hating everyone part, he was the nicest neo-Nazi I’ve ever met.

–Penn Station

Biker dude: I’m a Puerto Rican Nazi! I can’t be racist!

–Outside Pyramid Club, Ave A

Thug entering train at rush hour: Man, it’s like the fucking Holocaust in here.

–1 train

Overheard by: Stella Blue

Worker: I think the Holocaust sounds so bad because it’s the ‘Holocaust.’ We should start calling it the ‘Jollycaust.’

–Strand Bookstore

Blonde tourist: The date was okay… I mean, the only problem I have is with his politics. And then there was that whole, um, like… racial thing. You know, all that Aryan stuff.

–Crowded M96 crosstown bus

Overheard by: Socky

If Wednesday One-Liners Did It

Woman on cell: Are you really surprised that Marcus turned out to be a serial killer?

–Times Square

Overheard by: shex

College dude on cell: No, the entire male species is going to die, remember?

–Times Square

Overheard by: glad i’m a girl.

Aviator-wearing rocker wannabe: Dude, seriously, think about it. Why aren’t there more serial killers?!

–Union Square West at 16th St

Guy: You know, I pray for the days when I find bodies…

–Lorimer St & Metropolitan Ave

Columbia newspaper reporter: Dude, you can’t just kill one person and be a serial killer. You have to work up to being a serial killer.

–Columbia Spectator Office

Overheard by: And you know from experience?

Cashier to friend: Yeah, there’s this couple that comes in every week and rents serial killer movies.

–Brooklyn Video Rental Store

Overheard by: tiff

Conductor: Thank you for riding MTA, and remember to smile. You’ll confuse the people who want to kill you!

–L train

Overheard by: Paige

The Little Wednesday One-Liners That Could

Lady suit: Every time I get on the subway there’s always some freak of nature sitting there. I wish they’d do something about that!

–34th & 7th

Dorky teen boy: This is the subway station?! Wow!

–2nd floor, Port Authority

Overheard by: JoBell

Lady suit: If you smoke enough pot, the B Train becomes the Hogwarts Express!

–DeKalb station

Overheard by: jaded

Blonde: I’ve only ever taken the shuttle from Grand Central to Times Square. I’ve never gone East on it. I don’t know how.

–1 train

Overheard by: minerfa

Dad to young son as doors close: Come on, come on, come on! [He holds the closing doors, and they make it inside.] Um, don’t ever do that.

–F train

Overheard by: dianora

Let’s Face Wednesday One-liners

Guy: My eyelashes have decided to declare war against my eyes.

–12th Street & 6th Avenue

Overheard by: E. F. Schubert

Woman: All I wanted was some sunflower seeds and I wound up with my face on a milk carton.

–41st & 5th

Overheard by: rebecca h.

Teen girl on cell: So I finally talked to him and I was like, “Do you have any safety pins?” and he was all, “No!” and then I was like,
“What about all the ones in your face?”

–Red Hook

Overheard by: linda

Wednesday One-Liners Have Tunnel Vision

Conductor: The next stop is…155th Street.

–Uptown D train, 170th St

Overheard by: Jess McGins

Conductor, over radio: Hey, Steve, do we have to fill out an unusual occurrence report for being on time?

–Amtrak train out of Penn Station

Overheard by: Mike

Conductor: This is a downtown 4 train making local stops. I repeat, this…Stop looking at me like that, nigga, or I’ll kill yo’ ass…This is a downtown 4 train making local stops…

–Downtown 4 train

Conductor, over loudspeaker: Come on! Step on the train. Don’t just look at the doors. Walk on!

–N train

Overheard by: Lila

Conducter: This is the back! This is the back of the train! The back, as in not the front!

–NJ Transit train, Penn Station

Overheard by: stupid tourist

Conductor: This is South Orange. South Orange. South Orange. [sound of a group of people cheering is heard over the speaker] Hallelujah! Hallelujah! This is South Orange!

–NJ Transit train from Penn Station to Dover

Conductor: We’re being held up by a C train in front of us. If you’re nervous or scared, we’ll be moving to our destination in a moment. No worries!

–Uptown A train

Overheard by: wasn’t too worried