Archive for the ‘Wednesday One-Liners Vary’ Category

The Little Wednesday One-Liners That Could

Lady suit: Every time I get on the subway there’s always some freak of nature sitting there. I wish they’d do something about that!

–34th & 7th

Dorky teen boy: This is the subway station?! Wow!

–2nd floor, Port Authority

Overheard by: JoBell

Lady suit: If you smoke enough pot, the B Train becomes the Hogwarts Express!

–DeKalb station

Overheard by: jaded

Blonde: I’ve only ever taken the shuttle from Grand Central to Times Square. I’ve never gone East on it. I don’t know how.

–1 train

Overheard by: minerfa

Dad to young son as doors close: Come on, come on, come on! [He holds the closing doors, and they make it inside.] Um, don’t ever do that.

–F train

Overheard by: dianora

Let’s Face Wednesday One-liners

Guy: My eyelashes have decided to declare war against my eyes.

–12th Street & 6th Avenue

Overheard by: E. F. Schubert

Woman: All I wanted was some sunflower seeds and I wound up with my face on a milk carton.

–41st & 5th

Overheard by: rebecca h.

Teen girl on cell: So I finally talked to him and I was like, “Do you have any safety pins?” and he was all, “No!” and then I was like,
“What about all the ones in your face?”

–Red Hook

Overheard by: linda

Wednesday One-Liners Have Tunnel Vision

Conductor: The next stop is…155th Street.

–Uptown D train, 170th St

Overheard by: Jess McGins

Conductor, over radio: Hey, Steve, do we have to fill out an unusual occurrence report for being on time?

–Amtrak train out of Penn Station

Overheard by: Mike

Conductor: This is a downtown 4 train making local stops. I repeat, this…Stop looking at me like that, nigga, or I’ll kill yo’ ass…This is a downtown 4 train making local stops…

–Downtown 4 train

Conductor, over loudspeaker: Come on! Step on the train. Don’t just look at the doors. Walk on!

–N train

Overheard by: Lila

Conducter: This is the back! This is the back of the train! The back, as in not the front!

–NJ Transit train, Penn Station

Overheard by: stupid tourist

Conductor: This is South Orange. South Orange. South Orange. [sound of a group of people cheering is heard over the speaker] Hallelujah! Hallelujah! This is South Orange!

–NJ Transit train from Penn Station to Dover

Conductor: We’re being held up by a C train in front of us. If you’re nervous or scared, we’ll be moving to our destination in a moment. No worries!

–Uptown A train

Overheard by: wasn’t too worried

Where in the World are Wednesday One-Liners?

Tourist: Is this 49th Street? Oh no, I think we’re at Times Square!

–Uptown R Train at Union Square

Overheard by: Limey

Lady on cell: I’m on the corner by the trash can and the lamp.

–Union Square

Man on cell: Wait, I’m on 4th and Broadway…Hey wait, are you me? Who are you?

–4th and Broadway

Guy on cell: Ey! Eeeey! What, like you can’t SEE me? I’m up heeeeh, waving my arms like an ingrate!

–Shea Stadium, upper deck

Overheard by: Infield Fly

Guy on cell: Yeah I’m here in the NYU park. We are gonna talk about feng shui. Not your feng shui, my feng shui.

–washington square park

Overheard by: ak

Guy on cell: I can see a big building, can you see a big building where you are?

–University and 8th Street

Wednesday One-Liners Sit around the House

Teen: When I was young and fat I used to dream about scooping out my fat with a teaspoon. I was a deeply disturbed child.

–C train

Hobo: I had a wife! She was 389 pounds and had three stomachs. Now, I know a man never runs from his wife, but after a night with her — call me what you want — but I ran.

–C train

Little girl: All ugly and fat people should be banned from the train.

–4 train

Hipster: Have you ever seen a fat girl in spandex on weed?

–Union Square

Chubby teen chick: Bacon and soda, that’s my fucking bread and butter!

–14th & 1st

Overheard by: Bread and butter, that’s my fucking bread and butter

Fat lady eating pizza: Well, you know, I figured this was just as good as a salad…

–JFK

Overheard by: Wondering

Eww, Wednesday One-Linerss!

Woman on cell: So he gave me this huge body hug…and he was covered in vaseline!

–34th St

Overheard by: Fishwives

JAP: Oh my god, I just sneezed, like, all over that girl!

–Uptown 6 train

Overheard by: that girl

Guys walking: I’ve got the most disgusting couch in the world.

–Coffee Shopp, Union Square

Sanitation man sorting through garbage: Hey Vinnie, wanna half hero?

–67th St

Man on cell: She was shmearing neosporin all over the place.

–Christopher and 7th Ave

Woman: I must say, I’ve eaten a lot of things off the floor today.

–Park Slope

Drunk girl: Seriously, is this what it’s come to? My stomach fat covers my vagina?

–Four Faced Liar, West 4th St

Overheard by: pebbles

Man on cell: Well, for the past few days I’ve been coughing up phlegm.

–Citarella, 3rd Ave and 75th St

Wednesday One-Liners Hit the Bottle

Woman on train yelling to one who didn’t make it: I’m still not giving the baby back!

–1 train

Overheard by: ana

Pregnant teen: Yeah, I smoked weed with her, and the next thing I heard she had a crack baby…

–6 train

Overheard by: Hoping her baby isn’t a crackhead…

Hipster on cell: So, how’s your baby? What? Oh, I heard you got knocked up!

–10th & Broadway

Overheard by: Evan

Bus driver to another: … And I was like, ‘How do you forget your baby on the bus?!’

–Astor Pl

Overheard by: Elliott

Woman: Oh my god, I was in the other elevator and this lady was going in with a crib. I didn’t know she had a baby! So I stepped in front of her and the crib thing… I totally was in my own world and didn’t mean it, but they kicked me out of that elevator, so now I’m here.

–Crowded elevator, BPC South End Ave

Chick to friend: If she had never aborted that baby me and him woulda never got together, ’cause I don’t fuck with niggas with kids. Fuck that shit.

–L train, Montrose Ave stop

Overheard by: Emily

Wednesday One-Liners Are the Reason for the Season

Bus driver: Just a friendly reminder, folks: it is now holiday season! Holiday shopping season! So, for those of you who insist on utilizing the crosstown bus, please remember to add six hours onto your regular travel time!

–M14D crosstown bus

Conductor: This is the A express. Forty-second Street is next. And remember: only ten shopping days left until Christmas!

–A train, 59th St

Overheard by: Call me Santa

Man on cell: What did I get you for for Christmas last year? … Oh, yeah, I bought you all that! [Smiles sheepishly.] Well, I ain’t buying you shit this Christmas!

–1 train

Overheard by: marcusmarc

Old black dude to Salvation Army Santa: Hahaha! You ring that bell like a faggot!

–33rd & 7th

Conductor: Now would be a good time to discuss the idea of pickpockets — they’re running wild everywhere during this Christmas time! And that’s your paranoia for the day!

–F train

Santa on cell: Bro, I totally almost fucked a girl dressed as a reindeer last night.

–Ludlow St

Overheard by: ryan

Conductor: Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. I hope you’re all doing well. Just wanted to remind you to take all your belongings with you as you exit the train. Have a wonderful holiday… Be safe, be good, and if you can’t be good, be good-looking.

–2 train

Overheard by: apparently out of luck

Wednesday One-Liners Have Been Formatted to Fit Your Screen

Southern tourist: By the way, if you’re ever watching Law and Order, this is where everyone gets murdered and gets raped.

–Central Park South

Overheard by: Adam Schiff

Man lunching with buddy: No, I’m not a monk. That was just TV.

–18th & 5th

Crazy guy, through ventilator: Sonoco… Cablevision… Sonoco… Cablevision… Sonoco… Cablevision…

–West End Ave

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

Trader on cell: Well, she’s certainly not MTV yet — not VH1. She’s more like 60 Minutes.

–Trading floor, NY Stock Exchange

Overheard by: Trader Joey

Hot girl to boyfriend: See, I don’t think ass sex is necessarily something I want to do whilst watching X-Files

–Pietrasanta Restaurant, Hell’s Kitchen

Overheard by: Ta-da!

Enthusiastic hobo: What time is Desperate Housewives on?!

–Astor Pl

Man, after changing his shoes in a lively manner: What, you never saw Mr. Rogers?

–Jamaica-bound E train

Overheard by: He Was Quite Handsome…..

You May Now Kiss the Wednesday One-Liner

Woman: Just because I’m married doesn’t mean I have to touch him!

–W 32nd & 5th

Street preacher pointing at ladies in short skirts: We’ve gotta get them married! We can’t be havin’ them fornicating in the streets!

–59th & 5th

Lady on cell: I mean, there were some funny pictures… Whitney freaking on me just isn’t what I had in mind… I just don’t really want pictures of beer pong in my wedding album, y’know?

–Gramercy Park

20-ish girl on cell: Grandma, it is so important that you are at my wedding. I need to have you there… Dad and I were talking, and we’re going to get you a refundable ticket… Just in case anything happens.

–Chinatownbus

Overheard by: Kaiti

Man to friend: No, it’s over. We had the wedding planned and everything and then she never got a divorce.

–NJ Transit to Penn Station

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