Archive for the ‘Wednesday One-Liners Vary’ Category

Smooth As a Wednes­day One-Lin­er’s Bot­tom

Girl: So, I saw this woman us­ing her ba­by as a weapon, and I was like, ‘I don’t think you should be us­ing your ba­by like a weapon.’

–LIRR

Over­heard by: Ga­by

Woman on cell with her man: Daaamn! Your ba­by-ma­ma be cock-blockin’.

–F train

Girl: I don’t want AIDS, I just want his ba­by!

–Queens

Blue col­lar Yan­kees fan about fa­ther’s car, to friends: I nev­er did noth­ing to that car… ‘cept I burned a cig­a­rette hole in the seat. I did do that. But noth­in’ else. I drove that car like a ba­by.

–E train

Over­heard by: John G

Preg­gers on cell: I’m in la­bor right now, but it’s okay be­cause I told the ba­by that they have to wait a while. I still need to eat, and I want to take my time and en­joy this meal. Any child of mine can come af­ter.

–Ec­co, Cham­bers St

Wednes­day Two-Timers

Guy to bud­dy: It’s not cheat­ing if it’s un­der­ground.

–Prince & Eliz­a­beth

Over­heard by: emil­ia

Man on cell: Yes, dar­ling… I miss you, too… Can’t wait to wrap my­self around you again… You are so hot… Oooh, yeah, you make me crazy… Hold on a sec, I’ve got a call com­ing in [looks at phone]… Shit! It’s my wife. Lemme call ya right back.

–Jet­Blue ter­mi­nal, JFK

Over­heard by: Big Lar­ry

Crazy guy to train: Does any­one know how I can con­vince my wife that I won’t cheat on her?

–F train

Over­heard by: tko

20-some­thing on cell: I gen­uine­ly think we’d be a good match, ex­cept for the whole be­ing mar­ried and cheat­ing on his wife thing.

–49th & Rock­e­feller Plaza

His­pan­ic girl: You should send him a card that says, ‘Con­grat­u­la­tions on mar­ry­ing the girl you cheat­ed on and dumped for me and then got back to­geth­er when I dumped yo’ cheatin’ ass for some­one way bet­ter.’

–6 train

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Need a Pam­prin

Woman: When it’s a tam­pon, you can stick it any­where.

–59th St

Over­heard by: Rich

Woman on cell: …and then this big glop of bloody goop came out, and so I reached in­to the toi­let and squeezed it to make sure it was­n’t a ba­by…

–13th & Broad­way

20-Some­thing chick: My shit bled like it’s nev­er bled be­fore.

–El­e­va­tor, 57th & 6th

Over­heard by: Matt

Mul­let­ed queer: Imag­ine if Vir­ginia Slims de­signed a tam­pon!–Bush­wick, Brook­lynOver­heard by: ‘nuther black char­lie chap­lin

Cre­ative ge­nius: Just imag­ine if I had a tam­pon gun!

–St. Mark’s

Woman on cell: Well, you can’t just go hand­ing out san­i­tary nap­kins to every­one!

–15th & Union Square East

Loud girl on cell: Yeah, so he was go­ing for it, and I was like, “No, ba­by, I can’t tonight,” and he was like, “Why?” and I was like, “I got it to­day,” and he was like, “Aww, then noth­ing for a whole week!”

–CVS, 58th & 9th

Over­heard by: Kate Melvin

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Seek Asy­lum

Chick on cell: God, is she crazy? Even I would­n’t do that, and I’m a to­tal slut.

–39th St & 3rd Ave

NYU girl on cell: Yeah, she re­al­ly is a crazy bitch. At least I’m get­ting a book out of it, though. I’m go­ing to call it Next Year I’ll Be in a New Room, But You’ll Still Be Fuck­ing Nuts.

–Wash­ing­ton Square Park

Con­duc­tor: Some­one has lost a bag of mar­bles in the cafe car. I re­peat, we have a bag of mar­bles found in the cafe car. Has any­one lost their mar­bles?

–Am­trak, Penn Sta­tion

Com­mu­ni­ca­tions & me­dia stud­ies pro­fes­sor: I don’t mean to pon­tif­i­cate, but this is the last day of class and I have some im­por­tant ad­vice for you — nev­er sleep with any­one who is cra­zier than you are. It can get you in a lot of trou­ble.

–Ford­ham Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: Switch­ing De­part­ments

10-year-old boy wait­ing for mom: Hooray, hooray, I’m in­sane, I’m in­sane, okay!

–Out­side Met Food, Corte­ly­ou Rd & E 16th St, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Leela

Wednes­day One-lin­ers: The Next Gen­er­a­tion

Thug: I need a girl who’s re­spon­si­ble and don’t got no kids.

–40th & 5th

Dude: Are we talk­ing about the truth now? The truth is that you’re scared that she’s go­ing to take your son away from you!

–27th Street of­fice

Black guy on cell: Yeah, it was ac­tu­al­ly all right. We were both cir­cum­cised.

–Union Square green­mar­ket

Over­heard by: Lisa Ra­maci

She Blind­ed Wednes­day-One-Lin­ers with Sci­ence

Teen thug: You know, if you put’em on hot they dry faster. On hot the clothes dry faster.

–Kings­land Ave & Jack­son Ave., Willams­burg

Over­heard by: con­fab­u­la­tion na­tion

Hip­ster on cell: She thinks the en­tire world re­volves around her. What is she, the sun?

–Union Square

Would-be physi­cist: Did you ever hear of mag­net­ic re­pul­sion? Be­cause I swear to god that door has an east­ern pole or some­thing.

–Wal­greens Drug­store, Union Square

Over­heard by: kbot

Guy: So, you’ve dis­sect­ed cats be­fore?

–Lafayette & Cen­tre St

Over­heard by: Janelle

Loud chick: So I was look­ing on the In­ter­net to learn more about our plan­et and bio­di­ver­si­ty and shit, and there’s like five more ex­tinc­tions sup­posed to hap­pen! You know, like the di­nosaurs and shit!

–Ray’s Piz­za, E Hous­ton

Over­heard by: just vis­it­ing!

Soc­cer mom: He has had some re­al­ly hard so­cial stud­ies stuff… Like why the sea­sons change and the how the earth moves around the sun.

–War­ren Fields, Mur­ray & West Side High­way

Over­heard by: Soc­cer Nan­ny

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Aren’t a Tourist At­trac­tion, Ass­holes

Chick to friend, stand­ing silent­ly for sev­er­al min­utes: You know, there re­al­ly is­n’t that much to see here.

–Ground Ze­ro

Woman on cell: What about the Christ­mas cards with the twin tow­ers sur­round­ed by flow­ers? … Yeah. Kin­da grim, huh?

–Barnes & No­ble, Lin­coln Cen­ter

Over­heard by: Karyn Re­gal

Wannabe-hard­core bim­bette: So, this is where it all went down, huh? Where the shit hit the fan…

–PATH sta­tion, WTC

Over­heard by: Wes­T­exMike

Tourist man to MTA la­dy: I want to go to that World Trade Cen­ter thing.

–14th St sta­tion

Tourist: Is this nine-eleven?

–Ground Ze­ro

Over­heard by: du­plic­i­ty

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Shit You Not

Dad to two lit­tle kids: Hur­ry. Hur­ry! Dad­dy just crapped him­self!

–27th & 7th

Man on cell: Yeah, at that point it was just one stool sam­ple too many…

–In front of Brook­lyn Acad­e­my of Mu­sic

Over­heard by: TMI

Col­lege dude to girl­friend in loud whis­per: I took such a good shit to­day. [Girl­friend smiles and kiss­es him.]

–PATH sta­tion, 14th St

Over­heard by: Ab­by

Girl: So I woke up the next morn­ing, looked over, and there was a hu­man shit a foot away from my head.

–Pu­ri­ty Din­er, Park Slope

Guy: That Mary Pop­pins… she’s a spoon­ful of shit!

–Times Square

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers, Now with 10 Per­cent More Stank

Suit in sun­glass­es: This en­tire plat­form smells like a hith­er­to un­known species of ass.

–D train plat­form, 34th St

Ag­ing hip­ster on cell: At worst, you emit a gen­er­al smell. If peo­ple no­tice it, I don’t think they as­so­ciate it with you.

–Worth St & W Broad­way

Loud woman: Yo, where you at? I can smell your breath, but I can’t see your face!

–Shoe store

Drunk chick in room of fe­males: It smells like pe­nis in here.

–Pi2 Lounge, W 12th & Surf Ave

Over­heard by: Iou­lia Fe­doro­va

Teen on cell: Dude, they kicked me off cam­pus! Be­cause they said I smelled like I was high. I mean, I am a lit­tle high, but I don’t smell like it!

–Stuyvesant High

Fat man: Why did­n’t any­one call Pat­ty* and tell her that her breath stinks?

–Vic­to­ry Hos­pi­tal

Over­heard by: Suqua­ia

Guy, smelling girl’s armpit: Man, that’s bru­tal! But I kin­da like it…

–NYU