Archive for the ‘Wednesday One-Liners Vary’ Category

Nor­man Rock­well’s Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Dude: Well, it would be re­al­ly nice if I could sleep with your sis­ter.

–Wash­ing­ton Sq South

White girl: Well, if I’m so white, why do I have an un­cle named Juan?!

–Hunter Col­lege

Scan­di­na­vian-look­ing girl: My ma­ma has broth­ers who were Nazis. That’s why we don’t talk to them any­more. Oh, and be­cause they’re dead, too.

–Bloom­ing­dales

Girl cry­ing and plead­ing with bounc­er af­ter he took her fake ID: But I need that back! It’s my sis­ter’s, and she’s dead!

–Union Bar, Park Ave South

Over­heard by: BOB Sled

Loud black chick on cell: Yo, mom, I’m gonna fuck your daugh­ter up!

–H&M, Her­ald Square

Over­heard by: Limey

Chick: I told her if she don’t sign it, I’m gonna dig Dad­dy up and set him on her porch.

–18th & Park

Over­heard by: Tony Jones

Woman on cell: Do we have a con­scious grand­moth­er or an un­con­scious grand­moth­er? … Oh, goood!

–Ma­cy’s

Over­heard by: white_on_white

The Gates Changed New York For­ev­er

El­der­ly woman: Ex­cuse me, do you know where 81st Street is? We’re try­ing to get to the high­est point in the park to see The Gates.

A NY­er points out the way. Af­ter she leaves, he says: I’m pret­ty sure I gave her the wrong di­rec­tions, but I think she’s high enough.

–The Ram­ble

Over­heard by: Nathan K. Claus

Guy: Man, this will re­al­ly put New York back on the map.

–The Gates

Suit: Ex­cuse me, I want­ed to ask you about your [big or­ange] wig. Are you ad­vo­cat­ing your sup­port for The Gates or are you com­ment­ing on how crazy and triv­ial they are?
Guy: Uh…what wig?

–The Gates

Over­heard by: Greg Rut­ter

Boy: Mom! Was that “art”?
Moth­er: No, Michael. That was laun­dry.

–Cen­tral Park

Over­heard by: Darko Vraither

Old woman #1: Is­n’t it love­ly?
Old woman #2: Well, I would­n’t call it art, but I’m cer­tain­ly glad New York has some­thing to amuse it dur­ing the month of Feb­ru­ary.

–Mo­MA roof

Over­heard by: Michael Bra­cy

It De­pends on Whether She Swal­lows

Girl #1: Aw, he sent me a mes­sage that says “Sweet dreams, gor­geous.”
Girl #2: Hmm. Is­n’t that what they say to Mafioso girl­friends be­fore they slit their throats and throw them in the East Riv­er?

–Morn­ing­side Heights

Over­heard by: djlindee

Yup­pie #1: …and it’s not just be­cause she’s a chick.
Yup­pie #2: Yeah, it’d be the same if she were a dude.
Yup­pie #1: To­tal­ly! And it’s not be­cause I re­al­ly like to work, be­cause I don’t.
Yup­pie #2: To­tal­ly!

–Dock­’s Oys­ter Bar, 40th & 3rd

Over­heard by: Greg Rut­ter

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Died for Our Sins

Hip­ster: So I was walk­ing down the street, and I saw Je­sus, and then I was like, ‘Hey, how’s it go­ing, Je­sus?’

–Union Square

Over­heard by: Kanad

Sub­way preach­er: The ocean is full of wa­ter. Je­sus changed wa­ter in­to wine. It’s all good. Michael Jack­son called it ‘Je­sus Juice.’

–Rock­e­feller Plaza sub­way

Over­heard by: G‑Lime

Queer: I re­placed my imag­ing of Je­sus as a trans­ves­tite se­r­i­al killer to an im­age of Je­sus as a mil­i­taris­tic ter­ror­ist…

–1 train

Queer to an­oth­er: I think Je­sus loves Hal­loween.

–23rd St, be­tween 7th & 8th

Over­heard by: adam

20-ish guy: Let me get this straight — it’s spelled like ‘Je­sus,’ but it’s pro­nounced ‘Hey-Seuss’? That’s just weird.

–49th & 8th

Over­heard by: Jo­Bell

Bible thumper: Ladies, you may see a hand­some man and think to your­self, ‘I want him to be my sug­ar dad­dy.’ Oh, yes! And he be­comes your sug­ar dad­dy, and he takes you to Ma­cy’s and he buys you a crock pot. Oh, yes! But then lat­er he beats you with that crock pot. Oh, yes! Then you re­al­ize that it is not he who is your sug­ar dad­dy, it is re­al­ly Je­sus Christ who is your sug­ar dad­dy! Oh, yes!

–4 train

Smooth As a Wednes­day One-Lin­er’s Bot­tom

Girl: So, I saw this woman us­ing her ba­by as a weapon, and I was like, ‘I don’t think you should be us­ing your ba­by like a weapon.’

–LIRR

Over­heard by: Ga­by

Woman on cell with her man: Daaamn! Your ba­by-ma­ma be cock-blockin’.

–F train

Girl: I don’t want AIDS, I just want his ba­by!

–Queens

Blue col­lar Yan­kees fan about fa­ther’s car, to friends: I nev­er did noth­ing to that car… ‘cept I burned a cig­a­rette hole in the seat. I did do that. But noth­in’ else. I drove that car like a ba­by.

–E train

Over­heard by: John G

Preg­gers on cell: I’m in la­bor right now, but it’s okay be­cause I told the ba­by that they have to wait a while. I still need to eat, and I want to take my time and en­joy this meal. Any child of mine can come af­ter.

–Ec­co, Cham­bers St

Wednes­day Two-Timers

Guy to bud­dy: It’s not cheat­ing if it’s un­der­ground.

–Prince & Eliz­a­beth

Over­heard by: emil­ia

Man on cell: Yes, dar­ling… I miss you, too… Can’t wait to wrap my­self around you again… You are so hot… Oooh, yeah, you make me crazy… Hold on a sec, I’ve got a call com­ing in [looks at phone]… Shit! It’s my wife. Lemme call ya right back.

–Jet­Blue ter­mi­nal, JFK

Over­heard by: Big Lar­ry

Crazy guy to train: Does any­one know how I can con­vince my wife that I won’t cheat on her?

–F train

Over­heard by: tko

20-some­thing on cell: I gen­uine­ly think we’d be a good match, ex­cept for the whole be­ing mar­ried and cheat­ing on his wife thing.

–49th & Rock­e­feller Plaza

His­pan­ic girl: You should send him a card that says, ‘Con­grat­u­la­tions on mar­ry­ing the girl you cheat­ed on and dumped for me and then got back to­geth­er when I dumped yo’ cheatin’ ass for some­one way bet­ter.’

–6 train

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Need a Pam­prin

Woman: When it’s a tam­pon, you can stick it any­where.

–59th St

Over­heard by: Rich

Woman on cell: …and then this big glop of bloody goop came out, and so I reached in­to the toi­let and squeezed it to make sure it was­n’t a ba­by…

–13th & Broad­way

20-Some­thing chick: My shit bled like it’s nev­er bled be­fore.

–El­e­va­tor, 57th & 6th

Over­heard by: Matt

Mul­let­ed queer: Imag­ine if Vir­ginia Slims de­signed a tam­pon!–Bush­wick, Brook­lynOver­heard by: ‘nuther black char­lie chap­lin

Cre­ative ge­nius: Just imag­ine if I had a tam­pon gun!

–St. Mark’s

Woman on cell: Well, you can’t just go hand­ing out san­i­tary nap­kins to every­one!

–15th & Union Square East

Loud girl on cell: Yeah, so he was go­ing for it, and I was like, “No, ba­by, I can’t tonight,” and he was like, “Why?” and I was like, “I got it to­day,” and he was like, “Aww, then noth­ing for a whole week!”

–CVS, 58th & 9th

Over­heard by: Kate Melvin

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Seek Asy­lum

Chick on cell: God, is she crazy? Even I would­n’t do that, and I’m a to­tal slut.

–39th St & 3rd Ave

NYU girl on cell: Yeah, she re­al­ly is a crazy bitch. At least I’m get­ting a book out of it, though. I’m go­ing to call it Next Year I’ll Be in a New Room, But You’ll Still Be Fuck­ing Nuts.

–Wash­ing­ton Square Park

Con­duc­tor: Some­one has lost a bag of mar­bles in the cafe car. I re­peat, we have a bag of mar­bles found in the cafe car. Has any­one lost their mar­bles?

–Am­trak, Penn Sta­tion

Com­mu­ni­ca­tions & me­dia stud­ies pro­fes­sor: I don’t mean to pon­tif­i­cate, but this is the last day of class and I have some im­por­tant ad­vice for you — nev­er sleep with any­one who is cra­zier than you are. It can get you in a lot of trou­ble.

–Ford­ham Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: Switch­ing De­part­ments

10-year-old boy wait­ing for mom: Hooray, hooray, I’m in­sane, I’m in­sane, okay!

–Out­side Met Food, Corte­ly­ou Rd & E 16th St, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Leela

Wednes­day One-lin­ers: The Next Gen­er­a­tion

Thug: I need a girl who’s re­spon­si­ble and don’t got no kids.

–40th & 5th

Dude: Are we talk­ing about the truth now? The truth is that you’re scared that she’s go­ing to take your son away from you!

–27th Street of­fice

Black guy on cell: Yeah, it was ac­tu­al­ly all right. We were both cir­cum­cised.

–Union Square green­mar­ket

Over­heard by: Lisa Ra­maci