Archive for the ‘Wednesday One-Liners’ Category

Wednesday One-Liner: The Musical

Girl to class: I love classical music! I listen to the Bambi soundtrack all the time!

–Curtis High School, Staten Island

Guy in lobby, at intermission: Hands down, the best band I've ever seen in concert… Hootie and the Blowfish.

–Jazz at Lincoln Center

Guy on cell: I guess they're musicians. They put bitches ahead of practice.

–79th St b/w York & 1st

Overheard by: Queixa

Gay man to another, walking out of a bank: I mean, if you listen to like, one Sade song every six years, it's okay.

–15th St & 8th Ave

Lesbian: Fuck her! All she wants to do is stay home and sit in the kitchen and drink beer and listen to Melissa Etheridge! Fuck her! She can take a cab home!

–Staten Island

Overheard by: Kateri

Straight girl with a seat at the piano: No, I've never been here before, but I'm actually having a good time. I mean, I don't know most of these songs, but earlier he was playing The Sound of Music, and I was rocking out to that.

–Marie's Crisis Piano Bar

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

Crazy old cat lady to guy who just shut off obnoxiously loud music in next lane: Why'd you shut it off? I liked that song!

–Marathon Parkway & Northern Boulevard

Wednesday One-Liners, from the Redwood Forest to the Gulf Stream Waters

Very heavy ten-year-old boy, yelling excitedly: I heard they have bacon flavored popcorn in Florida! I love the south!

–Flushing, Queens

Hipster girl on cell: The entire state of Mississippi isn't a complete waste of space, even though it seems like it right now.

–Atlantic & Smith, Brooklyn Heights

Wino, grabbing can of beer: Here's 15 cents. I'll get the rest of it for you today. I promise! I'm from Georgia, I know how this shit works!

–Deli at 33rd & 7th

Overheard by: EthanK

Loud girl to friend: Maria? Maria's not dead, Maria's in Virginia?

–BxM10 Bus

Overheard by: bxgirl

Girl to boyfriend: I mean, when someone says they're throwing an "Iowa State Fair"-themed wedding, you don't think twice about going!

–30th Ave, Astoria

Wednesday One-Liners and the World of Tomorrow

Little boy to mom: I didn’t know that sometimes alarm clocks don’t work. This conversation is over now. We are not discussing it anymore.

–F train, Park Slope

Thug: Don’t whiz on the electric fence!

–D train, Fordham Rd station

Overheard by: Jess McGins

Guy shouting at motorcyclist revving engine: It’s a fucking Yamaha! It’s only a fucking Yamaha!

–St. Marks & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: shadday

Ghetto chick: Dwayne stole that iPod, anyway. He should have given it to me for free!

–14th St station

Overheard by: am I missing an ipod?

Guy: It’d take a big-ass blowtorch to circumcise a robot.

–Waverly Pl & Greene St

Wednesday One-Liners Are Masters of Their Own Verbal Domain

Guy: They’re squatters and ravers. They squat and rave…They squave.

–Belle and Sebastian show, Battery Park

Overheard by: Lacey

Suit: You know how some people wing it? Well I wanged it. I totally wanged it.

–52nd & 7th

Overheard by: Jatmos

Asian guy: It seems like everyone is giving headjobs these days.

–Flinders St

Overheard by: duygu

Female nurse: I’m telling you, he is totally intercontinental. I have to change him 4 times a day.

–Hudson & Spring

Overheard by: AJ Stone

Wordsmith, on the phone: Ma’am, her train is being delayed because of constipation.

–Office, 1250 Broadway

Teen on cell: He’s not very smart…Yeah, I just need someone to conversate with.

–Macy’s

Overheard by: Chelsea

College guy: The word “secretion” just fucks me up.

–NYU

10-Year-Old boy: I ain’t speakin’ no language.

–B48 bus, Franklin & DeKalb

Overheard by: Kyri

Tourist: Sexual attention is the only language I really understand.

–Around the Clock Diner, Stuyvesant & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: gweny

Woman: The lesbians don’t like the Jews…I mean the Lebanese.

–Party, 16th & 1st

Girl: Stop staring at all the buildings, you look like a terrorist!…I mean tourist. Same thing.

–8th & Broadway

Overheard by: ceci

Girl: Oh, my shoes totally fell asleep…Fell asleep? Fell apart!

–Fort Greene Park, Brooklyn

The Rainbow Flag Hangs Over Wednesday One-liners

Queer: That’s why you never bring a drunk pussy to a gay club.

–17th between 5th & 6th

Overheard by: Robert

Girl on cell: But wait, was she gay or was she lesbian?

–8th & Broadway

Queer on cell: Pussy? You mean Pussy?…No?… No, I know Hibiscus…Is that the one with the boyfriend at the bar?…Pussy!…Well, are you the good witch or the wicked witch? Oh, I guess that won’t work for you, you’ve never seen Wizard of Oz.

–Madison Square Park

Overheard by: mh

Girl: Oh my God, I hear heterosexual voices!

–18th & 8th

Older guy: I’m still trying to figure out who designed this bathroom. I mean, whoever designed this place wanted something up their ass.

–Pavilion movie theater, Park Slope

Overheard by: Daniel Radosh

Girl: Yeah, but I mean, this gay thing’s gonna be in him forever…

–East Drive, Central Park

Woman on cell: Well, if he wears a dress shirt with really nice jeans, that makes it a little less gay for them.

–4th Avenue & 12th Street

Overheard by: Tommy Raiko

RuPaul II: Mmm, I would suck spare rib outta his dick…sauce and all.

–Christopher Street

Guy: Yeah, I don’t like lip rings that much. They get dirty too easily, y’know, from food and sucking cock…

–MacDougal Tattoo, Sullivan Street

Overheard by: gwen limbach

Chelsea boy on cell: Hey, honey, I saw you leave with that hot bartender last night. I’m coming over with a couple of videos and that vinaigrette I borrowed, and you’re telling me everything.

–21st & 7th

Woman: Of course. I’m in and out of the closet all the time.

–Dojo, St. Mark’s Place

Overheard by: Ellen

Girl on cell: So he told me that sucking cock didn’t make him gay…and I said, “How’s that if you never go down on me?”…fucking faggot!

–F train

Wednesday One-Liners Have a Crash Moment

Teen chick: You know, when I think about it, I really don’t know how she can be my sister. Our birthdays are exactly one month apart, and she’s light-skinned.

–B48 bus, Brooklyn

Overheard by: eefers

Kid to another: No, really. I’m telling you — Michael Jackson used to be black. I saw it on TV.

–B61 bus, Brooklyn

Lady to friend: Your black ass is going to melt just as fast as my white ass if there is a nuclear war.

–116th & Broadway

White girl to another: So, what’s your dream ethnicity?

–Q train, Canal St

Big black guy: I love Old Navy because it’s like GAP, but for black people.

–Old Navy, 6th Ave

Conductor: Next stop, Penn Station. Black power, motherfuckers.

–2 train, 42nd St

The Wednesday One-Liners behind the Badge

Male cop to another: Did I tell you today how much I love you?

–34th & 8th

Overheard by: Egon

Thug jumping onto train just as doors were closing: Yo, what train is this? Nah, I don’t care as long as the cops didn’t see me.

–C train, Penn Station

Overheard by: go rangers!

Cop car loudspeaker to random driver: Please use your turn signal when you make an illegal left turn and cut off the bus causing an accident.

–8th & University

Overheard by: misspenny

Conductor: Do not go in between cars at any time, whether or not the train is moving. This is becoming a police state. That’s why I’m outta here.

–S train, Grand Central

Overheard by: Hametuka

Pepé Le Pew’s Scentimental Wednesday One-Liners

Hobo: Hey, ladies. [Girls giggle.] You smell so good — like Campbell’s soup!

–10th & Broadway

Overheard by: Emily

Man on cell: You tell your smelly sisters that they have to shower tonight.

–39th & 5th

Queer hipster to fag hag: Oh my god, his placenta stank!

–N train

Overheard by: Lauren

Chick to friend: Shut up, or I’ll sniff you in a minute!

–Central Park

JAP: Ew, like — I like, washed my hair, like, this morning… Why does it, like, smell? Ewww… That’s sooo bimmey!

–1 train

Chipper thugette: I smell pussy!

–L train, Bedford stop

What's Eating Wednesday One-Liners?

NYU guy on cell: Hey dude, I just wanted you to know that I left my burrito in your fridge. Yeah, I'll come around next Tuesday to pick it up.

–South Street Seaport

Overheard by: Julium

Rotund old woman at lesbian hipster cafe: Give me a sesame bagel, pound it down till it's flat, then toast it till it has a nice rich brown coating. And please, a coffee with cream. Make it a nice tan color.

–Paradise Cafe, 8th & 17th

Overheard by: Sebastian White

Middle aged dad, yelling while crossing street with sons: I will learn to make Pad Thai!

–Union Square

Girl on phone: But seriously, you give me good food, and there's a pretty good chance I'll have a thing for you.

–Union Square Park

Overheard by: molly

Man: You know, when I was 25 all I thought about was spending the night at the Playboy mansion. And now I'm 35, and all I really want to do is eat barbecue.

–Hill Country BBQ

Overheard by: I'm just here for the ribs.

Looks Like a Job for the Wednesday One-Liner Whisperer

Urban Tarzan: I grew up in a house of monkeys. My mother was a monkey, my father was a monkey, my brother was a pig.

–Main St, Roosevelt Island

Overheard by: king volcano

Customer on cell: Well, the kids finally found Grandma’s python.

–Dollar Store, Fulton St

Overheard by: fiat lux

Genius: I really can’t stand cats. They’re just furry rats.

–Washington Square Park

Woman: I feel so guilty when the cat catches me masturbating.

–B&J Fabrics, 7th Ave

Overheard by: Shamrock

Young man on cell: Wait. Are you talking about what’s normal for penguins or what’s normal for four-year-olds?

–Elevator, Bellevue Hospital

Overheard by: patient

White teen: Turkeys are mad strong, you know that?

–Bleecker between Lafayette & Broadway

Overheard by: Jon A.

Middle-aged woman on cell: I have to get home to cook spaghetti for my cat.

–3rd Ave, between 53rd & 54th