Archive for the ‘Wednesday One-Liners’ Category

“What What (In the Wednes­day One-Lin­er)”

Girl to teenage posse: Ei­ther the pen was re­al­ly weak or his butt was re­al­ly strong.

–Jack­son Heights, Queens

Over­heard by: News­bun­ny does­n’t want to know

Crazy guy to self, af­ter av­er­age woman walks by: Damn, that was a fine ass, a fine ass, that ass was so fine I’d eat a sand­wich out that ass!

–36th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Din­gle­ber­ry

Large grown woman to grown man: I thought you have all sorts of butt mag­a­zines…

–34th & 8th

Guy to girl: I like it when you wear jeans, girl! It’s like your ass is gift wrapped!

–33rd & 7th

Old­er woman to younger woman: If your booty de­serves the cred­it, give it the cred­it!

–Cen­tral Park

Over­heard by: Hell Yeah Give it the Cred­it!

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Up the Wa­zoo

Guy on cell: Wow! That’s a lot of cook­ies. If I had that many cook­ies, I’d put a cou­ple of them in my ass. (pause). It does­n’t mat­ter, I’ve got the space. I can’t eat that many cook­ies.

–23rd & Lex­ing­ton

Teen girl to teen boy: Un­less you want a 9 mil­lime­ter stuck up your ass­hole.

–Grand Cen­tral Ter­mi­nal

Girl on cell: Well, it’s still rec­tal.

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: La­dle

20-some­thing girl to 20-some­thing guy, quite loud­ly: Yeah, but putting a met­al spike up his ass was­n’t ex­act­ly what I had in mind!

–28th St & 5th Ave

Over­heard by: Jar Aaron

20-some­thing woman: Ba­by, I think we’re go­ing to keep the Thanks­giv­ing din­ner out of my ass­hole.

–Herkimer St., Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: M. Fresh

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Spend Most of Their Time Fundrais­ing

Man to guy try­ing to avoid him: Be­cause, you see — all Re­pub­li­cans are Nazis. I don’t know why no one else can tell.

–67th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: kendra

Thug to an­oth­er: Damn, nig­ga! That’s why the De­moc­rats ain’t go­ing to win the moth­er­fuckin’ White House in 2008!

–Union Square

Over­heard by: guy who’s not sure if it’s racist or not

Right­eous girl: I am glad I slept with him be­fore I found out he was a Re­pub­li­can.

–6 train, Up­town

Over­heard by: Su­san

Rollerblad­ing twelve-year-old to friend: Sean Han­ni­ty is such a douche!

–44th and 8th

An­ti-Bush crazy at an­ti-war stand on the street: There’s an id­iot in the White House! There’s an id­iot in the White House! .… Ac­tu­al­ly, he’s a mon­key — we got the DNA re­sults back!

–Out­side of the Met

Man on cell: Well, they killed 3,000 peo­ple! …Nooo, not the Arabs, the Con­ser­v­a­tives — the New York Con­ser­v­a­tives!

–181 St & Ft. Wash­ing­ton, Star­bucks

Over­heard by: One of the teach­ers

Hobo: I hope I nev­er run for of­fice, be­cause you peo­ple aren’t the first group I’ve said fucked-up shit to.

–F Train

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are Just “So­cia­ble”

Drunk gay man: I’ve slept with more men than my mom has!

–Ave A

Over­heard by: Let his own mom win that con­test

Woman to man: I don’t want to be known as the whore of New York­ers.

–9th Ave & 44th St

Woman on cell: It’s just sex. There’s no way you guys can ever be per­ma­nent­ly tied, or any­thing.

–Ma­cy’s

Prep­py, mid­dle-aged woman, about man on iPhone: Who is that whore?

–Book­store, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: ‑she prob­a­bly said

Nor­man Rock­well’s Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Dude: Well, it would be re­al­ly nice if I could sleep with your sis­ter.

–Wash­ing­ton Sq South

White girl: Well, if I’m so white, why do I have an un­cle named Juan?!

–Hunter Col­lege

Scan­di­na­vian-look­ing girl: My ma­ma has broth­ers who were Nazis. That’s why we don’t talk to them any­more. Oh, and be­cause they’re dead, too.

–Bloom­ing­dales

Girl cry­ing and plead­ing with bounc­er af­ter he took her fake ID: But I need that back! It’s my sis­ter’s, and she’s dead!

–Union Bar, Park Ave South

Over­heard by: BOB Sled

Loud black chick on cell: Yo, mom, I’m gonna fuck your daugh­ter up!

–H&M, Her­ald Square

Over­heard by: Limey

Chick: I told her if she don’t sign it, I’m gonna dig Dad­dy up and set him on her porch.

–18th & Park

Over­heard by: Tony Jones

Woman on cell: Do we have a con­scious grand­moth­er or an un­con­scious grand­moth­er? … Oh, goood!

–Ma­cy’s

Over­heard by: white_on_white

The Gates Changed New York For­ev­er

El­der­ly woman: Ex­cuse me, do you know where 81st Street is? We’re try­ing to get to the high­est point in the park to see The Gates.

A NY­er points out the way. Af­ter she leaves, he says: I’m pret­ty sure I gave her the wrong di­rec­tions, but I think she’s high enough.

–The Ram­ble

Over­heard by: Nathan K. Claus

Guy: Man, this will re­al­ly put New York back on the map.

–The Gates

Suit: Ex­cuse me, I want­ed to ask you about your [big or­ange] wig. Are you ad­vo­cat­ing your sup­port for The Gates or are you com­ment­ing on how crazy and triv­ial they are?
Guy: Uh…what wig?

–The Gates

Over­heard by: Greg Rut­ter

Boy: Mom! Was that “art”?
Moth­er: No, Michael. That was laun­dry.

–Cen­tral Park

Over­heard by: Darko Vraither

Old woman #1: Is­n’t it love­ly?
Old woman #2: Well, I would­n’t call it art, but I’m cer­tain­ly glad New York has some­thing to amuse it dur­ing the month of Feb­ru­ary.

–Mo­MA roof

Over­heard by: Michael Bra­cy

Jews for Wednes­day One-Lin­ers

Nine-year-old boy to friends: Don’t be talk­ing smack about Je­sus. He was one of our great­est pres­i­dents!

–Q train

Over­heard by: J‑Lo

Hip chick in black whose dog poops in street: No! No! Je­sus fuck­ing Christ! [Looks up and no­tices she’s in front of large church.] Oops.

–71st & Am­s­ter­dam

Over­heard by: She did­n’t even pick it up

High school boy: He’s like a fat home­less Je­sus who stole a rich man’s coat.

–Bronx

Soc­cer mom to an­oth­er: You know, Fri­day nights are al­ways a great time for Je­sus.

–82nd and Colum­bus

Over­heard by: Just bought a bot­tle of Jack to share with Je­sus

Stu­dent on phone: All I have to say about be­ing friends with Je­sus is that un­lim­it­ed fish sand­wich­es and wine does­n’t sound like a bad deal.

–NYU

Crazy guy: Praise Je­sus! But stay out­ta my way — I will stab you.

–W 17th St

Over­heard by: dawl­lyl­la­ma

Girl to friend: I mean, come on — who re­al­ly cares about Je­sus?

–El­e­va­tor, NYU Sil­ver Cen­ter

One Life to Wednes­day One-Lin­er

Five-year-old boy to fa­ther: Is this an im­por­tant life les­son?

–14th & 6th

Over­heard by: A

Young Asian man to woman ig­nor­ing him: Hey, let’s go get a falafel. Hey, hey–you live around here of­ten?

–Union Square

Over­heard by: ser­e­na

Woman, throw­ing Mc­Nuggets at man: Get the fuck out of my life!

–Times Square

Over­heard by: El­liot

Fran­tic crazy guy: I’m gonna go have a seat in Star­bucks and get my life to­geth­er!

–6th Ave & 25th St

Over­heard by: tbomb

Suit on phone: Well that’s life, you screw peo­ple over and then you go to the Ba­hamas.

–Train in­to Penn Sta­tion

It De­pends on Whether She Swal­lows

Girl #1: Aw, he sent me a mes­sage that says “Sweet dreams, gor­geous.”
Girl #2: Hmm. Is­n’t that what they say to Mafioso girl­friends be­fore they slit their throats and throw them in the East Riv­er?

–Morn­ing­side Heights

Over­heard by: djlindee

Yup­pie #1: …and it’s not just be­cause she’s a chick.
Yup­pie #2: Yeah, it’d be the same if she were a dude.
Yup­pie #1: To­tal­ly! And it’s not be­cause I re­al­ly like to work, be­cause I don’t.
Yup­pie #2: To­tal­ly!

–Dock­’s Oys­ter Bar, 40th & 3rd

Over­heard by: Greg Rut­ter