Archive for the ‘Wednesday One-Liners’ Category

Come on In– The Wednes­day One-Lin­er Is Fine!

20-some­thing chick: Sea cap­tains do­ing ta­ble-ser­vice is nev­er okay.

–A Train

Over­heard by: La­dle

La­dy on Blue­tooth: Well, if you prove to every­one that your vagi­na is as wide as an ocean, then go ahead!

–Brook­lyn

Teenage girl to friend: So, I heard back from the life­guard ap­pli­ca­tion. (paus­es, then ut­ter­ly be­wil­dered) I need to know how to swim!

–Up­town 1 Train

Over­heard by: tothe­world

Loud woman on es­ca­la­tor: No, you don’t get it. When you’re un­der wa­ter, you’re not wet.

–Queens Cen­ter Mall

Over­heard by: Burn­ing Ve­g­an

Mid­dle-aged man watch­ing sev­en-year old swim­ming deft­ly in shal­low end: Oh, yeah? Well, I can dri­ve. Can you? My feet can touch the bot­tom. Can yours?

–CUNY Swim Class

Over­heard by: obyun

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Get Paid Fri­day

Man look­ing at the Metronome clock: I think that’s the na­tion­al deficit.

–Union Square

Em­ploy­ee: Shit, I don’t have no pen­nies. Tell Dunkin’ Donuts they owe you nine cents!

–Dunkin’ Donuts, Gra­ham Ave

Girl: Non-prof­it groups are, like, so non-lu­cra­tive!

–Ful­ton St

Over­heard by: Pants

Spas­tic kid: All I have to my name is a cig­a­rette and two Saca­gawea coins!

–Web­ster Hall

Over­heard by: Jess Co­hennnnn

JAP on cell: I had a night­mare last night that Mom can­celed my cred­it card state­ment… I know! It was the worst — like, I woke up sweat­ing!

–NYU

Over­heard by: glam­our­charm

Chick: ‘In­suf­fi­cient fare’?! What does that mean?

–7th Ave sub­way sta­tion

The Unit­ed States of Wednes­day One-lin­ers

Hobo: You want to know why Amer­i­ca is the land of free? Go to jail; free food, free bed.

–53rd & Madi­son

Over­heard by: Ram­blin Bradley Scott

Guy on cell: I’m just so sick of hear­ing about Gaza. So many peo­ple get­ting shot…it just sounds like LA.

–86th & CPW

Girl: “AKA” means “oth­er­wise known as.” This is Amer­i­ca!

–23 Street C sta­tion

Hip­ster guy on cell: How’s Delaware?…Aw, I’m sorry…Your grand­ma what?…Ew!

–Co­lum­bia Uni­ver­si­ty

Over­heard by: Shawn Chester­field

Hobo: I wish all of Amer­i­ca was in Jor­dan.

–Stuyvesant Park

Woman: …It’s not the mon­ey I’m wor­ried about, it’s just that
Hobo­ken taxi dri­vers are shit­heads.

–Of­fice, 50th & 6th

Woman on cell: …and I mean, where the fuck am I sup­posed to find a hook­er? This is­n’t Las Ve­gas!

–54th & 6th

Over­heard by: Eface

Tourist man: One way tick­et to Hew­ston please.

–50th Street 1 sta­tion

Tur­baned white guy: Well, ob­vi­ous­ly I’m Amer­i­can, but my pre­ferred re­li­gion is Pun­jabi.

–Union Square

Over­heard by: misha

Suit: Hawaii is so bor­ing! There’s noth­ing to do but stay calm.

–52nd & Lex­ing­ton

Girl: Have you been to the rest of the coun­try? The rest of the coun­try is not New York. They ob­vi­ous­ly don’t know any­thing about fash­ion.

–Shea Sta­di­um

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers are Part of New York City… Tech­ni­cal­ly

Hip­ster girl: ‘Flush­ing Queens’ would be a great name for a man.

–Barnard Col­lege

Over­heard by: Beau­ti­ful Barnard Woman

Drunk dude watch­ing girl rip the shirt off a guy: What, no blood? Queens is lame.

–Shea Sta­di­um

Boyfriend to girl­friend: Pre­pare to be blown away by the majesty of Queens!

–E train plat­form, Penn Sta­tion

Con­duc­tor: This is a Queens-bound A train.

–Brook­lyn-bound A train

Over­heard by: Mag­gie

Con­duc­tor: This is a Queens-bound… No, Man­hat­tan-bound… No, Queens… Wait, hang on. This is a Man­hat­tan-bound E train. Next stop: 53rd and Lex… Shit.

–Man­hat­tan-bound E train, 53rd & Lex

An­nounce­ment over the sub­way: This is not the Queens-bound E train. [Half the train emp­ties] This is the Queens-bound E train.

–E train, Penn Sta­tion

The Unit­ed One-Lin­ers Of Wednes­day

Fe­male suit on cell: And if we get cus­tody, we can take the girls to North Car­oli­na! Fuck it! Yeah, we can!

–37th St & Madi­son

Over­heard by: catch­ing a train

Lit­tle boy: Mom­my, is Cal­i­for­nia re­al­ly far? Would we have to take the f train to get there?

–N Train

Crazy-eyed la­dy on sub­way: The pub­lic schools failed my son! He flunked out, and now he’s get­ting all As in pri­vate school! We need to stop putting mon­ey in­to Geor­gia and put mon­ey in­to our schools! You know what else we need to do? We need to drill in Alas­ka, be­cause if we don’t, Rus­si­a’s go­ing to get a pipeline in there and take it all!

–Up­town R Train

Over­heard by: An­na P.

20-some­thing woman: I think he’s just go­ing to club me…and drag me back to Alas­ka.

–Bleeck­er & 11th

Over­heard by: Im­ma club you

Fa­ther to five-year-old daugh­ter touch­ing sign­posts and cars: You can rub any­thing you want in Con­necti­cut, hon­ey, but we have to be care­ful in New York.

–Union Square

Thugette: Ohio was mad crazy. Hill­bil­lies be fuck­ing chill­in’ on the block. Ain’t no one had teeth! No one! You ever seen one of those movies where some white guy goes fuck­ing crazy and kills, like, ten peo­ple? Like he’s walk­ing down the street and just stabs a cat in the neck? It was like that.

–V Train

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers: “Is This Thing On?”

PA sys­tem: Leia, please meet your par­ty at the front. Leia, not the princess, please meet your par­ty at the front.

–Bed, Bath & Be­yond, 18th & 6th

Over­heard by: Re­bec­ca

An­nounc­er over loud­speak­er: The time is now one am o’­clock!

–Bag­gage Claim, JFK

Over­heard by: Kim­mie

Loud­speak­er an­nounce­ment: At­ten­tion, all late night shop­pers, this is a live an­nounce­ment. I re­peat, this is not a record­ing! Right now, in our deli de­part­ment, ful­ly-cooked chick­ens! Come on over and get your chick­ens! They’re hot! They’re fresh! And they were alive this morn­ing!

–Path­mark, Cropsey Ave, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Sta­cy

An­nounce­ment over loud­speak­er dur­ing class: Hel­lo, I’m sor­ry for the in­ter­rup­tion. Mr Poland Spring, you have to go out­side, they’re about to tow your truck.

–Stuyvesant High School

Loud­speak­er: Good af­ter­noon, East Side. Fag football…oops, I mean “flag foot­ball” will meet in the cafe­te­ria im­me­di­ate­ly fol­low­ing ad­vi­so­ry.

–East Side Com­mu­ni­ty High School

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are Like a Dog in Heat

Con­duc­tor: Hey, clear the clos­ing doors, bitch.

–8th St

Chick on cell: So, how did your date go? Did she call the po­lice on you this week? … Did she have you es­cort­ed out of her build­ing this week? … No? Then why did you call me? You just want­ed to tell me that? … Oh, you had a big fight? Was it be­cause she’s a crazy bitch?

–225th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Rose Fox

Eight-year-old boy to younger kid: If we were in prison you’d be my bitch!

–Hud­son & Christo­pher

Over­heard by: Talia

Black man: Went out, got that bitch some food. Bitch was hun­gry. Got her some food, took her out back, and she sucked my dick. Licked my balls. She’s on­ly 21. Gonna mar­ry that bitch.

–34th & 8th

Guy to bud­dy: No, it ac­tu­al­ly sucks be­cause she’s a self­ish bitch. She switched our cell phones be­cause mine vi­brates bet­ter… So she can get off in her cube.

–Her­shey store, Times Square

Dude on cell: Well… Well, there’s groups of bitch­es. There’s, like, a group of bitch­es here… and a group of bitch­es there.

–Out­side bar, 32nd & 4th, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: A Lone Bitch

Guy in full yel­low suit with match­ing hat: I don’t get this girl. You know what I’m say­ing, ’cause you know I’m the nicest nig­ga to a bitch.

–Wait­ing for the L, Union Square

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are Car­ry­ing Low

Guy: I had to yell at her and tell her that she could­n’t be preg­nant — I mean, dude, that was last week.

–St. Marks & 3rd Ave

Preg­gers to male friend: And that ass­hole came up and body-slammed me on the train plat­form! Of course, every­one was look­ing at me like I’m the an­i­mal. How can you body-slam a woman who’s sev­en months preg­nant and not feel bad?

–D train

Over­heard by: Jan­nine Ram­lochan

Preg­gers to la­dy push­ing to get to cup­cake ta­ble: La­dy, I am four months preg­nant. Get­ting be­tween me and those cup­cakes is a re­al­ly, re­al­ly good way to lose an arm.

–Mag­no­lia Bak­ery

Snot­ty ac­tress: Oh my gosh, she is such a good writer for my act­ing type. Her script is so like, like — preg­nant with promise.

–14th & Broad­way

Over­heard by: Emil­ia

Girl on phone: No, I can’t have sex with you. Be­cause then if I got preg­nant I’d have to be like, ‘Whose ba­by is it? Well, let’s see — is it black, white, brown…?’

–Grand Cen­tral Sta­tion

British moth­er to young son: Do you know what I had to eat when I was preg­nant with you, Bill? Buns! Buns! Buns! Buns! That’s why you’re mad about buns. [To daugh­ter] And that’s why you like brown things.

–Var­ick & King St

Young woman to friends: And she keeps get­ting preg­nant, and I’m like, ‘Stop it, woman!’

–Co­lum­bia cam­pus

Over­heard by: Ch­eney

Meds­day One-Lin­ers

Ra­di­ol­o­gy nurse: I have been asked out be­fore. But nev­er while giv­ing a bar­i­um en­e­ma!

–Ra­di­ol­o­gy Med­ical Of­fice, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Pa­per

Doc­tor on cell: I have to get ori­ent­ed as to the lo­ca­tion of those ca­dav­ers!

–3rd Ave, Near Cabri­ni Med­ical Cen­ter

Old­er doc­tor to younger doc­tor in a group: You ac­tu­al­ly tried to get a der­ma­tol­ogy con­sul­tant to come in the mid­dle of the night? That was pret­ty dumb. You know those guys would­n’t get out of their Shea but­ter body wraps un­less the world was end­ing.

–Kings Coun­ty Emer­gency Room

Suit to la­dy friend: If you re­al­ly want­ed to smoke crack you’d go to the hos­pi­tal!

–Nas­sau St & Ann St

Over­weight girl to fe­male friend: Wan­na play gy­ne­col­o­gist?

–St. Mark’s Place

Over­heard by: Sarah Booz

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are in a Tran­si­tion­al Phase

Con­duc­tor (af­ter a few min­utes wait­ing at sig­nal): One of those trains bet­ter hur­ry it up and move it, I have bet­ter things to do.

–N Train

Con­duc­tor: Across the plat­form is an ex­press 3 train. The doors are open, you can make it. Go for it! Go! Catch that train! (af­ter a few stops) There is an ex­press 2 train across the plat­form. You will make it. You will not miss it. You will make it.

–1 Train

Over­heard by: mo­ti­vat­ed

Cheer­ful con­duc­tor: Wel­come to the sta­tion for­mer­ly known as Prince!

–R Train

Con­duc­tor: We are now ar­riv­ing at Grand Cen­tral. This is our fi­nal stop. We’re six min­utes ear­ly, so now you can’t say any­thing bad about us.

–Metro North Train

Over­heard by: An­gela

Con­duc­tor: That is a 1 train and all trains are run­ning ex­press. An­oth­er lo­cal won’t run til 5 am Mon­day. You can wait but we don’t serve din­ner or break­fast, and I’m all out of sleep­ing bags.

–1 Train

Over­heard by: Steve

Con­duc­tor: Ladies and gen­tle­men, the train’s emer­gency brakes have been ac­ti­vat­ed for some rea­son. The train op­er­a­tor is go­ing to walk around the train and check if there’s a…body, or some­thing, un­der the train. Af­ter that, we’ll be able to move!

–C Train

Over­heard by: Pa­tient Pas­sen­ger

Train con­duc­tor: Last call for the 10:00 local…last call! Get on the train cause away we go, and it’s 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…blastoff!

–Metro North

Over­heard by: to mount kisco, and BE­YOND!