Archive for the ‘Wednesday One-Liners’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Are the Fourth Sacrament

Girl: I can’t complain because we’re not married — then I can complain all I want.

–Iron Sushi

14-year-old girl to mom: If you had married that other guy I would have been so much taller!

–70th & Lex

Overheard by: Evelyn

Hobo to bystander: You’re gonna marry a woman and not know she’s a government agent? How retarded can you get?!

–Queens-bound V train

Chick: What you’re saying is, he couldn’t afford the wastebasket so he got a wife?

–140th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ladle

20-ish chick on cell: I don’t care! He has chubby fingers… I’m still not going to marry him.

–97th & Broadway

Professor: Will you marry me?! Your father is dead!

–NYU

Wednesday, with a One-Liner Chaser

Female day-drinking tourist: Oh shit, I left my vodka in the church!

–Outside Trinity Church

Man on cell: If it’s possible to ferment it, we have fermented it.

–7th St b/w 2nd & 3rd Ave

Middle-aged man to younger man: You know how cats and dogs–they eat and then they go? In one end and out the other. I’m like that. My bladder has room for the equivalent of one good cocktail.

–10th Ave and W 50th St

Overheard by: Ah.…middle age

Commuter at 8 am: Beer. Beer.

–Grand Central

Overheard by: baconista

Old drunk walking into a liquor store, to clerk: Have you got my prescription?

–Broadway & 106th St

Overheard by: rickbruner

Wednesday One-Liners Know How to Read, but Not Why

Teen girl to mom: Here, this is what you need [points to Sex for Dummies book].

–Barnes & Noble, Union Square

Girl: I read all of the gossip magazines, but I should probably read the Wall Street Times.

–Chelsea Piers

Bimbette: Like, why would you stay home and read when there’s so much other stuffs to do?

–89th & 3rd

Overheard by: Ben A

Chick: Do you have Dante’s Inferno? I don’t know the author…

–Strand Bookstore

Dude on cell: Yeah, I’m just buying a book ’cause I got bored. Then I’m going back to finish my Bloody Mary.

–Burgen & Flatbush

Wednesday One-Liners for Kings County

Scholar: Brooklyn is the Paris of New York.

–Grand Army Plaza Station, Brooklyn

Overheard by: ivel

Crazy: Fuck Brooklyn! I can pay for Brooklyn on any other day. Yes, that’s right — I’m a black man, and I am not going to Brooklyn. What do you know about that! And you, you’re a Jew. I’ll still pray for you. Wherever we end up, I’ll still pray for you. Fuck all you people. Except you, Jew. I love you.

–L train from 6th Ave to 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Nash Astor

Girl: I just don’t like living in Brooklyn. My place is, like, four whole blocks away from Dunkin’ Donuts.

–Tenacious D album signing, Virgin Megastore

Guy: Sobriety is my back, I am the camel, and Brooklyn is the straw.

–A/C/E subway platform, Lower West Side

Overheard by: Magaret

Lady: I like the brown eggs more than the white. Well, I have 12 at home in my fridge — it’s like Brooklyn in there.

–15th St & Union Square West

Wednesday One-Liners Are a Real Page-Turner

Woman: He read a book on fisting, and now he wants to share it with his class.

–L train

Dude: They should have made Beowulf into a book — they would have made a lot more money.

–34th & 8th

Overheard by: LetheaBu

Girl: It used to be the only reason I liked Anna Quindlen was ’cause she was blind. Now it’s like, ‘Dude, she can read?!’

–Barnard College

NYU bimbette to studious friend: Your problem is that you read for all your classes. Sobriety and scholarly. Those are your problems.

–Starbucks, W 4th St

Overheard by: wine girl

Nine-year-old girl: I forgot my book, and I was supposed to do a report on it! Now what am I going to do?! I’m so senile.

–JFK

Overheard by: mr itchie

Book-hawking hobo: … And this is my new book, ‘If You Don’t Beat Your Children, They’ll End Up Like Me’!

–6 train

Overheard by: Zarek

Make Womb for Wednesday One-Liners

Suit on phone: I don’t think she knows. (pause) But it’s just a night job! (pause) No, there’s no way I’m pregnant. (pause) Why not?! Because I’m a man, goddammit!

–Starbucks

Woman on cell: So remember that time I thought I had that miscarriage?

–Grand Concourse & Fordham Road

Overheard by: Erica S

Slightly overweight girl: Thank you for the offer, sweetie, but I’m not pregnant. I’m just fat!

–M100 Bus

Overheard by: Tinathetiny

Tall girl on cell: No way! I thought *you* were going to impregnate *me*. I wanna have *your* children.

–Prince & Broadway

Overheard by: Ken Paprocki

Wednesdays Are Profoundly One-Linered

Yankees fan to Mets friends: When we go to the Yankees stadium I’ll be like a retard at a Chuck E. Cheese.

–Shea Stadium

Overheard by: Danial

Police officer in van, on loudspeaker: Move to the right! (people in cars ignore the order) Retards! You heard me! Move to the right!

–27th St & 10th Ave

Crazy guy, ranting: You can’t have sex with people who aren’t retarded because they charge too damn much!

–V Train

Overheard by: Ryan P.

Guy to girl: I never said that I wasn’t retarded. Technically, I’m not a hypocrite.

–L Train

Overheard by: Julia

Heavily made-up girl: Do you think retarded people are, like, conceptually aware that they’re retarded?

–6 Train

Overheard by: You tell me

Girl: The idea of a retarded Jack Russell Terrier is completely foreign to me, because as I recall, Wishbone was exceptionally well-read.

–Columbia University

A Tree Grows in Wednesday One-Liners

Father to daughter: Girl, whatchu doing? You tryin’a go to cross the bridge? You tryin’a go to Brooklyn? You want some cheesecake? Some crack?

–Centre St & Park Row

Overheard by: Barry P.

NYU social planner: I wanted to get all the freshmen out of the city for a little so I took them to Brooklyn.

–Main Building, NYU

Girl on cell: I’m not going to Brooklyn sober!

–12th & Broadway

Woman on cell: So are you in town this weekend or in Brooklyn?

–39th & 8th

Overheard by: The Lovely Miss Katie

Chick: Do you know the rules for being in Brooklyn?

–Law office, 54th & 5th

Overheard by: The legal intern

Bill Batson: It’s like the Native Americans all over again. Brooklynites, we’re indigenous. And now Manhattan wants Manifest Destiny.

–Vanderbilt & Dekalb, Fort Greene, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Larissa Kyzer

Little boy: I’m not going to Brooklyn! It’s stupid!

–110th & Broadway

Wednesday One-Liners Prefer Omaha

Tourist: I don’t like this train line. On the L line they have benches so that you can kneel down and pray… And they don’t have crevices digging into your ass and shit.

–1 train

Tourist girl: Let’s go to the Upper Wet Side.

–Palace Theatre, Broadway

Tourist: You haven’t been raped and stabbed ’til you’ve been raped and stabbed in New York.

–Central Park

Dude with huge backpack, clutching a map: Sometimes you just don’t want to see a huge ball of twine, y’know? It’s, like, 200 miles away. [Guy next to him nods head vigorously.] 

–Manhattan-bound L train

Middle-aged tourist on cell: No, we gotta go to Penn Central. Trust me, I know this place — we gotta get to Penn Central.

–Penn Station

High Colonic Wednesday One-Liners

Scruffy man to scruffy friend: … And then I stuck my thumb up her ass for some grip. Like a bowling ball!

–34th & 6th

Overheard by: Jared

Male student to two friends: No, they literally put it in your ass!

–51st & Broadway

Overheard by: tin steve

Bilingual hipster skank on cell: … So I was like, ‘I don’t care if it is my shit — you were the one who wanted to order the flan and you were the one who wanted to put it up where it doesn’t belong! Exit only! Flan exit only! No entrada por nada!’ … No, we just slept on the floor and left it all for housekeeping…

–Lobby of W Hotel, Union Square

Train announcer: In the rear, if it won’t fit, don’t force it.

–2 train, 72nd St

Overheard by: Brett

Gay man in kitchen: There’s absolutely nothing gay about me other than the cooking and the cleaning, and the taking it up the ass.

–207th St, Woodlawn, Bronx

Thug: Baby… C’mon… Take that thing out of your butt and we’ll talk when I get back.

–Hoboken PATH Station

Overheard by: Seph

Guido: You take it in the ass! You’re a 24-hour ass-taker-inner!

–Prospect Park

Overheard by: Patrick Di Justo