Stripper: Hey, baby! You got a cigarette?
Gentleman customer: No, baby. I’m Jamaican — I only smoke the herb.
–Scores, East Side
Archive for the ‘Weed’ Category
A Misunderstanding Regarding Whether Her Man Should Continue Breathing
Woman: This is the second time I been to New York, though, ’cause last time my girl was like, “Do you like the nightlife?” and I said, “Yeah,” and she was like, “Then you gotta get to the city, bitch,” and I got arrested for smoking a blunt on someone’s brownstone.
Man: That’s terrible.
Woman: Oh no, I mean, it was like the second time I got arrested, you know, so it was like no big deal.
Man: What happened the first time?
Girl: Oh, that was just a misunderstanding. I was like 14, and I was wit’ ma man, and we was having words–like, we was having a disagreement–and I stabbed him, is all. It was just a misunderstanding.
–Chinatown bus
Overheard by: Fung Wahhahahahaha
Wednesday One-Liners Thank God for Their Piggy Banks
Little boy,jumping up and down: The Dow Jones is up! The Dow Jones is up!
–86th & Lexington
Overheard by: Some Random Girl
Crazy man, shouting at no one in particular: Fuck the economy, your asshole just dropped 200 points!
–8th Ave & 19th St
Slacker on a smoke break: Yeah, McCain said he is going to suspend his campaign so that he can work on the economy. I mean, really. It would be like me saying I'm suspending my pot distribution so that I can work on quantum physics.
–Forest Ave., Staten Island
Overheard by: political listener
Hobo on subway to man in suit: Spare change? Anyone? Spare change for the homeless? You look like you worked for Lehman Brothers, you're excused.
–51st St
Overheard by: Kate
Wednesday One-Liners Ain't Got the Money, Honey
Older man, to no one in particular: That's why I keep my income low, so no one jumps me.
–Myrtle & Clinton, Brooklyn
Woman with scratch-off lotto card to friend: I won four dollars! I won four dollars! You know I can't spend that, though. I gotta get food for my kids. Those niggas be hungry!
–Staten Island Ferry
Angelic-looking teen girl screaming into cell: Are you coming to the movies with me? You're broke? Just mug someone on the way. Mug someone! (pause) Mug! M-u-g! Rhymes with "thug"!
–Chambers & West St
Puerto Rican dude on cell: I ain't got no money. I got weed, but I ain't got no money.
–25th St & 7th Ave
Village lady: She was in foreclosure before it was fashionable to be in foreclosure.
–Bleecker & Mercer
Wednesday One-Liners Prefer Subway Sandwiches
Lost-looking chick on cell: Why do they always fuck with the trains on weekends? Don't they know there are stoned people trying to get home?
–Subway Platform, Grand Central
Overheard by: Poogtastic
Loudspeaker dispatcher lady: Hey you! Uptown number 5! You better stop sticking your head out the window and answer me on the radio!
–Uptown 4,5,6 Train, Union Square
Overheard by: da sarkastik ninja.
Elegant gentleman, as train starts to depart station: Oh, I didn't realize the train was going to move.
–Crowded Uptown 1 Train
MTA announcement: The uptown 1 train is running.
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Krisztina
Dispatcher: The arriving train will be the next train. The arriving train will be the next train.
–G Train, Court Square
Overheard by: Katrink
Old man: I'm coming, train. I'm coming. I'm coming, train, you son of a bitch bastard!
–6 Train
Wednesday One-liners, the Play
British guy: Two tickets to Grand Central, please.
–Bowling Green station
Overheard by: Kirsten Teasdale
Woman on cell: I’m not going to punch her in the mouth, Danny.
–Grand Central station
Suit: You’re ruining my life, you pot-smoking whore!
–34th & Broadway
No — The Bong.
Girl #1: So I like, panicked, and I ate it.
Girl #2: You ate the weed?
–Park Slope
Overheard by: E
She Sells Him the Weed and Beer
Man: I think going to the gym really helps me get rid of stress.
Woman: And smoking pot. And the drinking.
Man: Yeah, well… Oh, and you — you’re at the top of the list.
–7th Avene, Park Slope
Some Half-Baked Wednesday One-Liners
Woman on cell: I have to get home so I can put away the b-o-n-g.
–19th & Broadway
Overheard by: Kyle
Man in light green suit with orange-red gators: Read the bible tonight. Don't smoke that Scooby Doobie Doo. Don't get high tonight!
–125th & Lenox
Overheard by: Plausible
Young hipster: So I said, "Mom, did you smoke with me?"
–Central Park Reservoir
Angry girlfriend to boyfriend: Okay, so you don't want me smoking pot, you don't want me smoking cigarettes or cloves, you don't want me chewing gum and now you don't like lollipops? So tell me, Peter, what can I put in my mouth that's okay with you?
–L Train
Overheard by: It's me, bitches.
Teacher: Steve*, I need to talk to your pot dealer, because the stuff you're smoking is really good.
–Cooper Union
Overheard by: me too
Guy talking on blue tooth: I should be there in about 45 minutes. (pause) Yeah, I'm serious! (pause) Look. I got an idea for ya. Why don't you go roll a big fat blunt, smoke it until you can't see anymore and then I'll be there. Alright? Bye.
–8th Ave & 27th St
Overheard by: Erica Friedman
Girl: I mean honestly, who at NYU doesn't smell like weed?
–Washington Square Park
The Day Mombolu Changed Professions
Talkative hobo, seeing woman holding papers about Africa: What's up in Africa? You don't look African.
Dignified woman: I used to work in Angola.
Talkative hobo: That's the best kind of job to have, where they pay to send you all over the world. Damn, I bet it costs $2000 to fly to Angola if you were paying for it out of your own pocket.
Dignified woman: Actually, it costs more than that. It's about $4000 to fly to Angola and back from here.
Talkative hobo: Holy shit! $4000 to fly to Angola and back? Do you know how much weed I could buy for $4000? I could sit my ass in the park all day and smoke myself to death! Damn!
–1 Train