Archive for the ‘Weirdness’ Category

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Tend to Ram­ble On

Old man at the bar: Every­day that I wake up and see that my name is­n’t in the obit­u­ar­ies is a good day.

–Cafe des Artistes Bar

Old­er woman, to friend: Then we’re go­ing to have to do the sun­tan lo­tion thing, and that’s go­ing to be a night­mare.

–Grand Cen­tral Sta­tion

Over­heard by: EthanK

Pre-teen boy, to friend: Yo, man, there’s a lot of old peo­ple on this train. I bet they’re all wish­ing they were our age again. Suck­ers!

–N Train

Over­heard by: Han­nah

Old la­dy, to man play­ing steel drums as she dances along to the mu­sic: Shalom! That was awe­some, my man!

–1 Train

Over­heard by: Court­ney Mess­er

El­der­ly woman to el­der­ly friends: So then Andy comes down in his biki­ni, and of course all the old women go crazy…

–56th & 1st Ave

Old la­dy look­ing in­to fan­cy cafe: An­oth­er shit­hole!

–74th near Broad­way

Over­heard by: Har­ri­et Vane

Old la­dy: Geral­dine, do you want to come up lat­er and play… With my wire­less router!

–Clark & Herny

Over­heard by: Lacy

Wednes­day-One-Lin­er and Dis­or­der­ly

Stu­dent: I feel like I’m drunk. Like when I was six.

–Mid­dle School Dance, Span­ish Harlem

Six-year-old girl: I drank beer once and I went crazy!

–Cen­tral Park

Dad, about his young son who has just run face-first in­to a chair: Don’t wor­ry about him, he’s just drunk.

–In­di­an Road Cafe, In­wood

Over­heard by: Rose Fox

Five-year-old boy: Next stop, wine store!

–Uni­ver­si­ty & 9th St

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Breathe through Their Noses

Black girl on blue­tooth head­set: You want every­one to suck yo dick, dontcha? Dontcha?! You want every­one to suck yo dick!

–W. 59th & 9th Ave

Over­heard by: Alexan­dra

Twelve-year-old gui­do, near tears, dou­bled over in the street scream­ing on his cell phone: You sucked Char­lie’s dick last night, you blow job! You sucked Char­lie’s dick last night, you blow job!

–Brook­lyn

20 some­thing blonde on cell: … Is that nor­mal? [Pause.] No, it’s dif­fer­ent every time, like it al­most dis­ap­pears… Then an­oth­er time its all swing­ing and shit… Is that nor­mal? [Listens.]Oh no! Thats just fine, like it gags me when … [Mum­bles.]

–LIRR

Man­ag­er to em­ploy­ee: You are a cock guz­zling thun­der­cunt!

–Chelsea

Gay guy, to his friend: I mean…I may suck dick but at least I don’t take it up the ass.

–16th & 9th

Woman: Short of blow­ing him in Mo­Ma, I re­al­ly don’t know how to get his at­ten­tion.

–A Train

Over­heard by: Why Mo­Ma?

Wednes­day One-Lin­ers Are An­oth­er Year Old­er but None the Wis­er

20-some­thing: I did­n’t even re­al­ize it was my birth­day un­til I checked Face­book!

–Up­per West Side

Over­heard by: mtraine­ti­quette

Girl to friend: We should cel­e­brate tonight–it’s my half birth­day in 10 days.

–Croc­o­dile Lounge, E 14th St

Tourist: See no­body is wear­ing birth­day scars…

–34th St & 5th Ave

Guy to girl: Wait, did you re­al­ly be­lieve I was go­ing to get you a Hel­lo Kit­ty vi­bra­tor for your birth­day?

–45th & 8th

Drunk girl to hobo: It’s my birth­day! You should be giv­ing *me* mon­ey!

–111 & Broad­way

So We Played Naked Cha­rades and I Guessed It Right Away

Girl to friend: So, I found out that Jon has her­pes and he nev­er told me.
(friend looks at her in shock)
Girl: Not that kind of her­pes, the oth­er kind. But I talked to him about it. It’s pret­ty fun­ny, ac­tu­al­ly. But he did­n’t tell me. Well…we don’t re­al­ly talk about stuff like that.

–110th St & Broad­way

Head­line by: ik­ki nik­ki

Run­ners-Up:
· “…Un­til I Googled Val­trex, That Is” — keeps on giv­ing
· “Gen­i­tal Sores Tend to Speak for Them­selves” — DCGeek
· “So Long As He Keeps It in His Ass, It Does­n’t Af­fect Our Re­la­tion­ship” — Ben­Gay
· “The Line for Guest Ap­pearences on Mau­ry Starts Here…” — John
· “We Don’t Want Things to Get Too Sim­plex” — er­ak
· “Which Is Why He Does­n’t Know About My Three Abor­tions” — Jesse
· “You Mean the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” Kind Of Her­pes?” — leoladie23

Click here to see the new Head­line Con­test

Trans­la­tion: “God, I Need a Woman.”

Man: Yeah, my moth­er raised me right. I make sure I eat break­fast every day.
Woman: Mmm-hmm.
Man: I have sar­dines and grits every day.
Woman: Sar­dines?
Man: Hell, yes. Some­times I give some of the gravy to the cats, and they go crazy for it. I mean, it don’t mat­ter if they just ate or noth­ing, they just love the gravy.
Woman: Mmm-hmm.
Man: Gravy. I usu­al­ly give them a lit­tle of what­ev­er I cook. You know, and then they ei­ther eat it or they don’t. They like turn their heads away if they don’t like it. But they sure like gravy. Gravy.

–B26 Bus, Brook­lyn

Over­heard by: Dun­can Pflaster